Just a random musing from work today.
I was eating sunflower seeds today(I've picked that habit back up again) and I realized they are kinda like life. It doesn't seem to matter how many delicious salty perfectly cooked ones you find there will always be one that is burned or rotten or just yucky. And when you find that one yucky one you focus on that one. at least I do. That is like my life. Almost everything can be going just fine and then all of a sudden something with the house does go thru as fast as I would like it too or my ipod gets dropped in the toilet and stops working and I let it ruin my whold day. Just like I let that one yucky seed ruin a whole bag of perfectly good ones. Just an observation I made while sitting in silence at work cuz my ipod wasn't working.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
might as well...
I'm up really early and my stomach is turning with nervousness for what may come today so i figured I would blog a little to try and calm myself down so i can have a few more hours sleep before trying to tackle another 10 plus hour day on 2 hours sleep... maybe 2 and a half.
I think I'm really liking my new shift. aside from the fact that I feel like all I do is work and sleep monday-thursday having a 3 day weekend every week is worth it. now if only I could get them to give me this shift on days I'd be set.
I've decided that sitting around waiting to find out that I didn't even make these rosters I haven't heard from yet is killing me. between the house stuff, my sisters shit she is pulling and working the worst shift possible has made me a grumpy beast. so if I haven't heard anything by noon I'm calling the contact numbers on these jobs and finding out if I'm even on the list or just waiting to get another rejection letter. it'll basically make or break.. well everything. My whole old unit got to go to days as did my good buddy Daniel and sounds like it won't be long til Andy does. I'm apparently the only person that can't get a day job. I'm sick of having to work super hard for everything in my life. Jobs, possesions, recognition. Since Jr high nothing has come easy for me except drinking and messing up my life. I paper the town trying to get anyone to hire me for my first job. finally 100 plus applications and interviews later I get a crappy fast food job at Wendy's. I work there for 3 years being the go to person for 2.5 of those years and at the end of it I am still a minimum wage crew member doing the work for a manager without the pay or title. I then go to files and work my ass off there to become a walking IRM (procedural manual basically) of how things are done only to get laid off at the end of that year. i then paper the town again for 6 weeks with 4 years of working experience behind me cuz no one will still hire me. and on top of that I can't even collect unemployment cuz I go to school during the day. so I then while being unemployed and being contiunally turned down for jobs I also am in the middle of a fight to get unemployment as an honest american citizen when any lazy slob or illegal can go collect every week no problem. I finally have to take a shitty CSR job and then 4 weeks later get my unemployment I'm due. Now I am being skipped over for irs jobs and mocked by 2 irs buildings that I have to see every day. I finally 6 months later get an irs job on swings and get jerked around for 2 weeks then get thrown into the worst unit ever. I end up being on the wrong side of the numbers so i desperatly try to jump ship and get into a new unit and put in well over 100 applications again and still hear nothing. Finally 9 months and not a day too soon get this job that I'm currently in. Despite all their promises of "you're a perfect fit to move right into ladder jobs with this training" it doesn't seem like any of us have a shot cuz everyone puts in for every ladder job and nothing. I'm sick of having to claw my way up an inch at a time while people like my sister are able to get any job they put in for no problem. I've tried to be positive about the whole thing but you know what? the next person who says 'it could be worse you could have no job" is getting smacked. It could be worse. I could have a rare flesh eating desease that is slowly killing me from the inside out but I don't right now I have this. and frankly I think losing my sanity feeling trapped in a job cuz I can't go back to my old unit and take a $150 pay cut and be stuck with 3 bitches who are out for my blood and even if that happened there would be no way for me to take another $150 pay cut to go to days unless I moved up a grade cuz we are buying a house. Andy doesn't seem to understand that he needs to get his act together and get out of a 4. He's on a swing to days list and since his job exsists on days it won't take long. I can't tell him he can't go to days unless he goes up a grade cuz he just says things like "we'll make it work." but he talks about going golfing and going to movies and stuff if he got to days. I kinda don't see how to make him understand that if he stays a 4 and goes to days he will sit home every night not playing video games doing chores and never getting to go do anything fun cuz we'll be house broke as it is. him losing $110 a pay check will kill any chance of doing anything fun for both of us. plus I'll prolly still be stuck on nights for god knows how much longer so the resentment thing will come into play no matter how hard I try not to. it'll bad deal. Maybe I'm being selfish and can't see the big picture but I don't see any good coming out of this. at all. basically I'm sick of waiting. I wish it was noon already so i could just call and get this over with. I never knew I could hate a shift this much. I just wanna be on days and feel normal. is that so fucking mutch to ask? I come to work every day. I'm honest if I'm late. Yes I do take longer breaks and lunches than I'm supposed to but who can say they don't? no one in the irs. that's for damn sure. I am dependable to get my work done on time and even pick up the slack for others. I'm a quick learner and a great trainer. I may offend people with some of the things I say but people at the irs are too sensitive anyway for the most part. and I may be a little unbalenced at times but when you can't control how anything is going in your life aren't we all a little emotionally streached? arg! enough about this I'm more worked up than when I began... fingers crossed I hear good news I guess all I can do is wait another 5 hours...
speaking of the house. I have no new news. they should've done the appraisal and inspection this weekend sometime and after that is done we should be clear to have it in 2 weeks or so. again not a whole lot to do but wait. All this waiting...ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now to my sister. she is becoming an idiot since turning 18. hanging out with way too old for her guys with kids from other relationships and way too old for her girls and people the rest of the family isn't comfortable with. then when i tell her I'm not comfortable with any of this she tells me I don't understand. Right I don't fucking understand what it's like to deal with dad and his mood swings or graduating high schhol and having to figure out your life or working two jobs (but I worked 70 hours a week at my two jobs. not fucking 10.. total) or stressing about all of this rolled into one. I've never had to deal with any of that ever. certainly not you know 4 years ago. Don't fucking tell me I don't understand. You don't understand. You've never had to deal with real life for even a second. you've never had to work a job you hate. You have the luxurey of getting whatever job you want. and if you don't like it. you'll quit and have a new job in a week. So let me break it down for you Dad is right. you are a people user. Exhibit A. You've gone thru more "boyfriends" in the last year than I have ever had in my life. I don't think you keep them around for more than a month or so. ever. you let them buy you things and take you places and tell you how pretty you are and that they love you then you dump them and leave them heartbroken for the next "hotter" better not all used up guy. Guy or girl that makes you a sleezeball and a slut. Exhibit B. Darcy has been my best friend since grade school. she always will be my best friend (female). I can tell her anything and anything I can't tell her I shouldn't be doing. despite 3 years of almost never seeing or talking to Darcy I still feel as close to her as ever. Steph has been a good friend since grade school as well. Still is. My group from jr high and high school? for the most part the 12 of us are still in connection and still friends. Tara, Lana, Charla? Still in connection with them. still good friends (at least I think so.) I add to my circle of friends I don't
puch people out to make room for others. Lets look at your Friend history. Ally? good friend til you got "hot" then all of a sudden in jr high she was "too busy" for you (not what she said btw. I asked her wednesday when I saw her she says you left them) Emily? too busy for you.. really? Tesha? Her mom drove us apart. really? she was always tolerable of you when I was around at the very least. sometimes she even seemed downright nice. Michelle. She did screw up. I'll admit that. choosing her boyfriend over you. but she tried to apologize and you snubbed her. people make mistakes. she deserved at least a second chance...cautiously. so your group of 4 from childhood you have no contact with now. amazing. lets see every time I turn around you have a new "BFF" and a new group of friends. all of which I hate. i couldn't name any of them except for amie who i hate. She is a snot and a bitch. And I think Amie was stalking your exbf sam so I think you two are on the outs now. What is the common denomiator here? you. Have I made my point yet? well if not watch mean girls and see how you act. just like Cady? wow. as far as you wanting to go to college. I don't see how you think it'll be any different than high school which you barely manage to go to and pass. Except that in college you pay them and they could give a shit whether you pass or fail as long as your check clears. so good luck with that. and as far as this I don't wanna live anymore God hates me and so I'm just going to throw up everything I eat and hang out with lowlifes and dumb asses to prove how much everyone hates me then yell at anyone who tries to help me crap. Well number one I'm sure God isn't too thrilled with the choices you are making but he doesn't hate you. and If I ever hear you say that again I will box your ears in. Number two if my mother ever. EVER calls me crying like that again you had better be in the hospital or you will be in the hospital. Number three. If I ever hear you treating my mother the way you were last week when she brought you over here for a blessing You will need a new blessing. the got her ass whooped by her sister kind. You may be 18 but you are still my little sister and i will still kick your ass if you need it. and that is my mother you are talking to. The woman who gave me life and taught me everything. The woman who is willing to drop everything and let me curl up in a ball and cry until i throw up if I need to. The woman I want to be just like someday and The woman who I cried for when my life and marraige felt like it was in the toilet. You. Will. Not. Talk. To. Her. Like. That. Again. EVER! I realize i caused her a lot of grief in my time and you know what? I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that. and this is part of it. And Number four. This self harm crap is done. Until you stop all this crap you are no longer welcome to use my house as a refuge. And I've told andy my feelings and he said he will respect my wishes. Quite franlly til you stop going out with losers and harming yourself I will side with dad. and andy will side with me. if that means that you consider me an enemy then so be it. you have no idea how bad things can and will get for you if you keep this up. But your choice
well that is all. now that I am cried out and angried up I think I will try to sleep. HA!
I think I'm really liking my new shift. aside from the fact that I feel like all I do is work and sleep monday-thursday having a 3 day weekend every week is worth it. now if only I could get them to give me this shift on days I'd be set.
I've decided that sitting around waiting to find out that I didn't even make these rosters I haven't heard from yet is killing me. between the house stuff, my sisters shit she is pulling and working the worst shift possible has made me a grumpy beast. so if I haven't heard anything by noon I'm calling the contact numbers on these jobs and finding out if I'm even on the list or just waiting to get another rejection letter. it'll basically make or break.. well everything. My whole old unit got to go to days as did my good buddy Daniel and sounds like it won't be long til Andy does. I'm apparently the only person that can't get a day job. I'm sick of having to work super hard for everything in my life. Jobs, possesions, recognition. Since Jr high nothing has come easy for me except drinking and messing up my life. I paper the town trying to get anyone to hire me for my first job. finally 100 plus applications and interviews later I get a crappy fast food job at Wendy's. I work there for 3 years being the go to person for 2.5 of those years and at the end of it I am still a minimum wage crew member doing the work for a manager without the pay or title. I then go to files and work my ass off there to become a walking IRM (procedural manual basically) of how things are done only to get laid off at the end of that year. i then paper the town again for 6 weeks with 4 years of working experience behind me cuz no one will still hire me. and on top of that I can't even collect unemployment cuz I go to school during the day. so I then while being unemployed and being contiunally turned down for jobs I also am in the middle of a fight to get unemployment as an honest american citizen when any lazy slob or illegal can go collect every week no problem. I finally have to take a shitty CSR job and then 4 weeks later get my unemployment I'm due. Now I am being skipped over for irs jobs and mocked by 2 irs buildings that I have to see every day. I finally 6 months later get an irs job on swings and get jerked around for 2 weeks then get thrown into the worst unit ever. I end up being on the wrong side of the numbers so i desperatly try to jump ship and get into a new unit and put in well over 100 applications again and still hear nothing. Finally 9 months and not a day too soon get this job that I'm currently in. Despite all their promises of "you're a perfect fit to move right into ladder jobs with this training" it doesn't seem like any of us have a shot cuz everyone puts in for every ladder job and nothing. I'm sick of having to claw my way up an inch at a time while people like my sister are able to get any job they put in for no problem. I've tried to be positive about the whole thing but you know what? the next person who says 'it could be worse you could have no job" is getting smacked. It could be worse. I could have a rare flesh eating desease that is slowly killing me from the inside out but I don't right now I have this. and frankly I think losing my sanity feeling trapped in a job cuz I can't go back to my old unit and take a $150 pay cut and be stuck with 3 bitches who are out for my blood and even if that happened there would be no way for me to take another $150 pay cut to go to days unless I moved up a grade cuz we are buying a house. Andy doesn't seem to understand that he needs to get his act together and get out of a 4. He's on a swing to days list and since his job exsists on days it won't take long. I can't tell him he can't go to days unless he goes up a grade cuz he just says things like "we'll make it work." but he talks about going golfing and going to movies and stuff if he got to days. I kinda don't see how to make him understand that if he stays a 4 and goes to days he will sit home every night not playing video games doing chores and never getting to go do anything fun cuz we'll be house broke as it is. him losing $110 a pay check will kill any chance of doing anything fun for both of us. plus I'll prolly still be stuck on nights for god knows how much longer so the resentment thing will come into play no matter how hard I try not to. it'll bad deal. Maybe I'm being selfish and can't see the big picture but I don't see any good coming out of this. at all. basically I'm sick of waiting. I wish it was noon already so i could just call and get this over with. I never knew I could hate a shift this much. I just wanna be on days and feel normal. is that so fucking mutch to ask? I come to work every day. I'm honest if I'm late. Yes I do take longer breaks and lunches than I'm supposed to but who can say they don't? no one in the irs. that's for damn sure. I am dependable to get my work done on time and even pick up the slack for others. I'm a quick learner and a great trainer. I may offend people with some of the things I say but people at the irs are too sensitive anyway for the most part. and I may be a little unbalenced at times but when you can't control how anything is going in your life aren't we all a little emotionally streached? arg! enough about this I'm more worked up than when I began... fingers crossed I hear good news I guess all I can do is wait another 5 hours...
speaking of the house. I have no new news. they should've done the appraisal and inspection this weekend sometime and after that is done we should be clear to have it in 2 weeks or so. again not a whole lot to do but wait. All this waiting...ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now to my sister. she is becoming an idiot since turning 18. hanging out with way too old for her guys with kids from other relationships and way too old for her girls and people the rest of the family isn't comfortable with. then when i tell her I'm not comfortable with any of this she tells me I don't understand. Right I don't fucking understand what it's like to deal with dad and his mood swings or graduating high schhol and having to figure out your life or working two jobs (but I worked 70 hours a week at my two jobs. not fucking 10.. total) or stressing about all of this rolled into one. I've never had to deal with any of that ever. certainly not you know 4 years ago. Don't fucking tell me I don't understand. You don't understand. You've never had to deal with real life for even a second. you've never had to work a job you hate. You have the luxurey of getting whatever job you want. and if you don't like it. you'll quit and have a new job in a week. So let me break it down for you Dad is right. you are a people user. Exhibit A. You've gone thru more "boyfriends" in the last year than I have ever had in my life. I don't think you keep them around for more than a month or so. ever. you let them buy you things and take you places and tell you how pretty you are and that they love you then you dump them and leave them heartbroken for the next "hotter" better not all used up guy. Guy or girl that makes you a sleezeball and a slut. Exhibit B. Darcy has been my best friend since grade school. she always will be my best friend (female). I can tell her anything and anything I can't tell her I shouldn't be doing. despite 3 years of almost never seeing or talking to Darcy I still feel as close to her as ever. Steph has been a good friend since grade school as well. Still is. My group from jr high and high school? for the most part the 12 of us are still in connection and still friends. Tara, Lana, Charla? Still in connection with them. still good friends (at least I think so.) I add to my circle of friends I don't
puch people out to make room for others. Lets look at your Friend history. Ally? good friend til you got "hot" then all of a sudden in jr high she was "too busy" for you (not what she said btw. I asked her wednesday when I saw her she says you left them) Emily? too busy for you.. really? Tesha? Her mom drove us apart. really? she was always tolerable of you when I was around at the very least. sometimes she even seemed downright nice. Michelle. She did screw up. I'll admit that. choosing her boyfriend over you. but she tried to apologize and you snubbed her. people make mistakes. she deserved at least a second chance...cautiously. so your group of 4 from childhood you have no contact with now. amazing. lets see every time I turn around you have a new "BFF" and a new group of friends. all of which I hate. i couldn't name any of them except for amie who i hate. She is a snot and a bitch. And I think Amie was stalking your exbf sam so I think you two are on the outs now. What is the common denomiator here? you. Have I made my point yet? well if not watch mean girls and see how you act. just like Cady? wow. as far as you wanting to go to college. I don't see how you think it'll be any different than high school which you barely manage to go to and pass. Except that in college you pay them and they could give a shit whether you pass or fail as long as your check clears. so good luck with that. and as far as this I don't wanna live anymore God hates me and so I'm just going to throw up everything I eat and hang out with lowlifes and dumb asses to prove how much everyone hates me then yell at anyone who tries to help me crap. Well number one I'm sure God isn't too thrilled with the choices you are making but he doesn't hate you. and If I ever hear you say that again I will box your ears in. Number two if my mother ever. EVER calls me crying like that again you had better be in the hospital or you will be in the hospital. Number three. If I ever hear you treating my mother the way you were last week when she brought you over here for a blessing You will need a new blessing. the got her ass whooped by her sister kind. You may be 18 but you are still my little sister and i will still kick your ass if you need it. and that is my mother you are talking to. The woman who gave me life and taught me everything. The woman who is willing to drop everything and let me curl up in a ball and cry until i throw up if I need to. The woman I want to be just like someday and The woman who I cried for when my life and marraige felt like it was in the toilet. You. Will. Not. Talk. To. Her. Like. That. Again. EVER! I realize i caused her a lot of grief in my time and you know what? I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that. and this is part of it. And Number four. This self harm crap is done. Until you stop all this crap you are no longer welcome to use my house as a refuge. And I've told andy my feelings and he said he will respect my wishes. Quite franlly til you stop going out with losers and harming yourself I will side with dad. and andy will side with me. if that means that you consider me an enemy then so be it. you have no idea how bad things can and will get for you if you keep this up. But your choice
well that is all. now that I am cried out and angried up I think I will try to sleep. HA!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
It's been a while
So I realized it's been like a month since I last updated. but working on nights seems to make your whole life blend together. so here is an update.
1) We got approved for a house loan. It's called the FHA loan and basically it allows you to put all of your closing costs and down payments and things like that into the loan. It's a super sweet deal. We're running around like mad men trying to get into a contract before the end of the month so we can maybe qualify for that tax credit next year. It's actually really stressfull and if we don't make the April 30th deadline I think I may reconsider. the more I think about buying a house the more stressed I get. Stupid growing up. worrying about bills and budgets and all that crap. But I am kinda leaving this one up to... fate? God? whatever you want to call it. The market is prime right now for a house and I am all for not having noisy neighbors downstairs and being able to have a dog or two and being able to hang things up and all that. but at the same time I also worry about being "house broke" and hurting the credit (again) I've worked so hard to build (again). I guess we'll see what happens right?
2) The IRS approved me to go back to school this fall. YAY! I've never been so happy to get to go to school. I'm only allowed 2 classes a semester and if I don't pass then I have to pay back the IRS with interest (great incentive right?) but it's free and the classes I have picked out should help me move within the IRS. I figure if they will approve all my classes I need (doubtful but one can hope) I can have my degree in 5 years. I know I'm a few years late in starting but after watching what just an associates in accounting did for my friend Daniel I'm all for it. Weber State Here I come
3) I got my 4/10's shift at my job with every friday off starting next week. I'm super pumped about that. It'll give me a day to be normal. I hope it'll help me cope with my super sucky zombie life that I am forced to live until my shameless whoreing for day jobs finally pays off. I never thought I would want a day job so badly. And yet today I found myself spending a half an hour introducing myself to higher ups at a job fair as "Hi my name is Myndi Barnett. Does your department have day jobs and how do I get them?" I think most of them thought I was joking. but hey if that's what it takes to get them to remeber my name then so be it. I'm hoping that the lines of "This job's experience will give you a leg up on the compition for the ladder positions"(which happen to have many day shifts) coupled with my never missing an opportunity to tell anyone I meet the ridiclous things I would do to get on day shift. (This weeks answer Quote 'Put a puffer fish in my shoe and run around the building' end quote)and my pulling of every string I can even think to find along with trying to be a great employee will pay off soon. God seems to be giving me a little break lately. I know it's asking a lot but if you could just let me have this one last thing.. well I'd like to hope that it would be benificial in some way but in reality I'm just so sick of nights I could scream. It's making me grumpy and short with everyone I meet. I'm deathly afraid that Andy will move to days (cuz the more I talk about my NEED to be on days for my sanity the more he says I think I want to go to days again. And his job exsists on days. whereas my exact job does not)before I can and that old monster resentment will rear it's ugly head. But I got my fridays off so I can start going back to the terrace and having a night off and trying to stay sane til I prove myself worthy of a day job. Or they take pity on me. Whatever gets me on a normal schedual again. I'm not picky.
4) Darcy Finally got her mission call. She is going to the Ohmaha Nebraska Winter Quarters Mission. Yay! I may actually be able to send her more than 3 letters her whole mission (sorry Angi. see #3 the post office is not open when I am up in my zombie state. You can blame the IRS) On the 28th She is going thru the temple and has invited me to go along. I am so proud of her for these choices and so very honored that she would include me in her day. Way to go Darc! You'll do great!
5) Daniel-See #2- Was ordained an Elder last sunday. He also invited us to be there when he was ordained and it was amazing. I am so proud of him and the choices he has made since I met him 2 years ago at files. I cannot wait for Aug to see him and his wife and son be sealed toether for time and all eternity. Way to go Daniel! I know how hard you've worked for this and you deserve it.
6) Steph Got engaged and is getting married in june (23rd I believe). She looks so happy and Allen really does care. I don't know him very well but you can see it. I'm super happy for them both. Best of luck.
7) Things with me and andy have never been better. We bottomed out a few weeks ago and had the mother of all fights. it lasted all night. we didn't go to work the next day cuz of it. He was ready to move back with his parents and I never knew how strongly I felt about all of this til then. I basically told him that if he left that he would leave with theclothes on his back and a single man who couldn't keep a promise to his God , his family, his wife or himself. Durring this massive fight we were able to weed through the minor stupid things and get to one of the major problems in this whole thing. 3 Guesses what it was? yeah. The games. well the computer in general. After a long talk in which he finally admited that is was an addiction and agreed to get help. and guess what? something stuck. he hasn't been this happy in months. Although I don't agree with depression pills and shrinks you can't argue results. at least I won't for the time being. I am thinking that he is emerging. Will there be other fights. indoubitably. Especially with my irrational behavior lately. and I know that there are things that I need to work on but this has help us so much. It's incrediable.
8) The kids thing has come up a lot lately. Apparently I missed the barnett family memo that everyone was supposed to get prego at the same time. I'm not kidding. Amanda and Erin (sister in laws that are not 9 years old) Audry (Andy's cousin who got married like 6 months before us) and at least one other cousin (whose name I don't know) on his side are prego. Add that to my plethora of friends that are prego (Heidi and Joe, Shatel and Tyler, Andrea and Jonny, Darcy's brother Kyle and his Wife Katie and Emilie and Nate off the top of my head) and a dr that keeps telling me that unless I lose over half my body weight (haha guess what doc? Tried your diet and your exercise plan and gained weight), drop my blood pressure by 50 points (again doc. Taking those pills you gave me? raises it by and average of 15 points no matter what I eat or do) and get right on having kids now i will never have kids and you get one very confused and angry ball of emotion known more commonly as myndi Awesome. I aim to prove her wrong. I know for a fact that my only job on this earth is to be a mommy. I've come to realize that I would've made a pretty shitty missionary, (the fact that I refer to myself as a "Shitty Missionary" is proof enough) that's why I wasn't able to do that despite how badly I wanted to and instead I was given the path to get married. (which is totally fine. I'm not knocking that one bit) But ever since then all I've wanted is to have kids. my whole life is focused on that (and well getting back to a normal schedual) I've always planned on having kids. when I was little I wanted like 15. Through the years I've wheedled it down to a more manageable number-3. All this oppositon telling me to just forget about it is driving me crazy. all I have to cling onto on the "it'll happen side" is a few feelings and things like that I think i may have gotten in the last few years that I could totally be misinterpreting. But Andy- in his more aware state of mind that he is now in- has mentioned a few times that after the house thing is done we should start working on the kids thing. I dunno if he can tell that I am like dying to have some or if someone is telling him or what. but I think withing the next few months we'll get to start down that path of disapointment and heartbreak. or perhaps it'll be a cakewalk like all those sexually active and/or drug addicted teenagers and people who have no problem getting prego but can't seem to be bothered to use any kind of protection so they justify killing hundreds of innocent childred each year so they can be lazy. (bit of a sore subject. if you ever so need a soap box rant come see me about abortion.) But we'll see. I'll bet there are lots more posts on this subject. but in conclusion I may get to join the ranks of the prego army that is surrounding me sometime in the near future.
so in conclusion. Life is going pretty good except for a few things. I'm actually hoping that 4 months of deep dark depression means that I get 6-8 months of happiness. the last time I was as sad and confused an miserable as I was from about Christmas to The end of last month was when I lost my job. then after that I got engaged and got 6-8 months of everything going right... mostly. so if that pattern is following again then there is hope. But only time will tell.
1) We got approved for a house loan. It's called the FHA loan and basically it allows you to put all of your closing costs and down payments and things like that into the loan. It's a super sweet deal. We're running around like mad men trying to get into a contract before the end of the month so we can maybe qualify for that tax credit next year. It's actually really stressfull and if we don't make the April 30th deadline I think I may reconsider. the more I think about buying a house the more stressed I get. Stupid growing up. worrying about bills and budgets and all that crap. But I am kinda leaving this one up to... fate? God? whatever you want to call it. The market is prime right now for a house and I am all for not having noisy neighbors downstairs and being able to have a dog or two and being able to hang things up and all that. but at the same time I also worry about being "house broke" and hurting the credit (again) I've worked so hard to build (again). I guess we'll see what happens right?
2) The IRS approved me to go back to school this fall. YAY! I've never been so happy to get to go to school. I'm only allowed 2 classes a semester and if I don't pass then I have to pay back the IRS with interest (great incentive right?) but it's free and the classes I have picked out should help me move within the IRS. I figure if they will approve all my classes I need (doubtful but one can hope) I can have my degree in 5 years. I know I'm a few years late in starting but after watching what just an associates in accounting did for my friend Daniel I'm all for it. Weber State Here I come
3) I got my 4/10's shift at my job with every friday off starting next week. I'm super pumped about that. It'll give me a day to be normal. I hope it'll help me cope with my super sucky zombie life that I am forced to live until my shameless whoreing for day jobs finally pays off. I never thought I would want a day job so badly. And yet today I found myself spending a half an hour introducing myself to higher ups at a job fair as "Hi my name is Myndi Barnett. Does your department have day jobs and how do I get them?" I think most of them thought I was joking. but hey if that's what it takes to get them to remeber my name then so be it. I'm hoping that the lines of "This job's experience will give you a leg up on the compition for the ladder positions"(which happen to have many day shifts) coupled with my never missing an opportunity to tell anyone I meet the ridiclous things I would do to get on day shift. (This weeks answer Quote 'Put a puffer fish in my shoe and run around the building' end quote)and my pulling of every string I can even think to find along with trying to be a great employee will pay off soon. God seems to be giving me a little break lately. I know it's asking a lot but if you could just let me have this one last thing.. well I'd like to hope that it would be benificial in some way but in reality I'm just so sick of nights I could scream. It's making me grumpy and short with everyone I meet. I'm deathly afraid that Andy will move to days (cuz the more I talk about my NEED to be on days for my sanity the more he says I think I want to go to days again. And his job exsists on days. whereas my exact job does not)before I can and that old monster resentment will rear it's ugly head. But I got my fridays off so I can start going back to the terrace and having a night off and trying to stay sane til I prove myself worthy of a day job. Or they take pity on me. Whatever gets me on a normal schedual again. I'm not picky.
4) Darcy Finally got her mission call. She is going to the Ohmaha Nebraska Winter Quarters Mission. Yay! I may actually be able to send her more than 3 letters her whole mission (sorry Angi. see #3 the post office is not open when I am up in my zombie state. You can blame the IRS) On the 28th She is going thru the temple and has invited me to go along. I am so proud of her for these choices and so very honored that she would include me in her day. Way to go Darc! You'll do great!
5) Daniel-See #2- Was ordained an Elder last sunday. He also invited us to be there when he was ordained and it was amazing. I am so proud of him and the choices he has made since I met him 2 years ago at files. I cannot wait for Aug to see him and his wife and son be sealed toether for time and all eternity. Way to go Daniel! I know how hard you've worked for this and you deserve it.
6) Steph Got engaged and is getting married in june (23rd I believe). She looks so happy and Allen really does care. I don't know him very well but you can see it. I'm super happy for them both. Best of luck.
7) Things with me and andy have never been better. We bottomed out a few weeks ago and had the mother of all fights. it lasted all night. we didn't go to work the next day cuz of it. He was ready to move back with his parents and I never knew how strongly I felt about all of this til then. I basically told him that if he left that he would leave with theclothes on his back and a single man who couldn't keep a promise to his God , his family, his wife or himself. Durring this massive fight we were able to weed through the minor stupid things and get to one of the major problems in this whole thing. 3 Guesses what it was? yeah. The games. well the computer in general. After a long talk in which he finally admited that is was an addiction and agreed to get help. and guess what? something stuck. he hasn't been this happy in months. Although I don't agree with depression pills and shrinks you can't argue results. at least I won't for the time being. I am thinking that he is emerging. Will there be other fights. indoubitably. Especially with my irrational behavior lately. and I know that there are things that I need to work on but this has help us so much. It's incrediable.
8) The kids thing has come up a lot lately. Apparently I missed the barnett family memo that everyone was supposed to get prego at the same time. I'm not kidding. Amanda and Erin (sister in laws that are not 9 years old) Audry (Andy's cousin who got married like 6 months before us) and at least one other cousin (whose name I don't know) on his side are prego. Add that to my plethora of friends that are prego (Heidi and Joe, Shatel and Tyler, Andrea and Jonny, Darcy's brother Kyle and his Wife Katie and Emilie and Nate off the top of my head) and a dr that keeps telling me that unless I lose over half my body weight (haha guess what doc? Tried your diet and your exercise plan and gained weight), drop my blood pressure by 50 points (again doc. Taking those pills you gave me? raises it by and average of 15 points no matter what I eat or do) and get right on having kids now i will never have kids and you get one very confused and angry ball of emotion known more commonly as myndi Awesome. I aim to prove her wrong. I know for a fact that my only job on this earth is to be a mommy. I've come to realize that I would've made a pretty shitty missionary, (the fact that I refer to myself as a "Shitty Missionary" is proof enough) that's why I wasn't able to do that despite how badly I wanted to and instead I was given the path to get married. (which is totally fine. I'm not knocking that one bit) But ever since then all I've wanted is to have kids. my whole life is focused on that (and well getting back to a normal schedual) I've always planned on having kids. when I was little I wanted like 15. Through the years I've wheedled it down to a more manageable number-3. All this oppositon telling me to just forget about it is driving me crazy. all I have to cling onto on the "it'll happen side" is a few feelings and things like that I think i may have gotten in the last few years that I could totally be misinterpreting. But Andy- in his more aware state of mind that he is now in- has mentioned a few times that after the house thing is done we should start working on the kids thing. I dunno if he can tell that I am like dying to have some or if someone is telling him or what. but I think withing the next few months we'll get to start down that path of disapointment and heartbreak. or perhaps it'll be a cakewalk like all those sexually active and/or drug addicted teenagers and people who have no problem getting prego but can't seem to be bothered to use any kind of protection so they justify killing hundreds of innocent childred each year so they can be lazy. (bit of a sore subject. if you ever so need a soap box rant come see me about abortion.) But we'll see. I'll bet there are lots more posts on this subject. but in conclusion I may get to join the ranks of the prego army that is surrounding me sometime in the near future.
so in conclusion. Life is going pretty good except for a few things. I'm actually hoping that 4 months of deep dark depression means that I get 6-8 months of happiness. the last time I was as sad and confused an miserable as I was from about Christmas to The end of last month was when I lost my job. then after that I got engaged and got 6-8 months of everything going right... mostly. so if that pattern is following again then there is hope. But only time will tell.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
well that lasted long....
Here I am back for more ventingish.
My good friend Steph just got engaged. so Congrats to her. I hope things for her and Allen work out. I miss that time. as hectic and stressful as it was it seems like things for me and Andy have gone downhill since then. But I'm super happy for her. They are planning june 23rd so hopefully Darcy will still be here and all that we'll see. Congrats Steph and Allen.
Tonight Jim and Amanda invited us over for dinner. That was super nice to get out and see Clay and Lexi and them and just visit. Thanks you guys.
Now for the venting part of the post. I'm not sure where to start but here goes
I'm pretty fed up with the state of things here. I thought we had a real breakthrough last week but it feels like that was crap. He claimed he was going to do something about it and yet nothing. I'm pretty fed up with this technology crap tho. Everything has to be about technology. Last night I went to sleep in the bed cuz I was actually tired instead of fine and then asleep like normal. He went to bed half hour earlier. I get there and he was playing solitare on his ipod. He played that for prolly another hour before I fell asleep and god knows how long after. I get up today realize I have slept thru church yet again, went out started watching tv and then was asleep again. I dunno how that happened. When I woke up andy was in on his stupid computer as always. he stayed on it til prolly 6 or 615 when we started getting ready to go to his brothers house for dinner as mentioned above. on the way there he bitched about the road being closed and 12th street being remodled. Then we didn't say anything til we got there. There he didn't say much and then proceeded to get in an argument with his brother over freaking pineapple. Really? After Dinner Amanda and I stayed in the kitchen for a while talking and Jim and Andy went out into the living room to talk. then Amanda and I went into the living room. Durring this discussion andy pulled out his phone to 'look at the time' and then proceeded to mess with it totally reverting his attention to that instead of the discussion with his brother and sister in law. really? REALLY?! That sealed it. I don't care what kinda fight there is he will not be having internet on his phone when he jumps to my plan. I will shut data off completely. This is ridiculous. Then nothing was said on the way back and then we get home I go to the bathroom and by the time I was out he was in the bedroom and hasn't come out since. You know this "depression" crap is a bull. I don't really care what anyone says. He claimes it runs in his family. Guess what? runs on both sides of mine too. and yet I've learned to deal with it. I don't spend my whole life scared and angry at everyone and everything. I don't take pills and I am hesitant to even let that be an option. those pills are a joke. Dr's just perscribe them to assuge people. the real problem is in the mind. people who take them are quitters and can't freaking deal with life. So since it's been weeks since he said he would do something about it and surprise surprise nothing has been done then I am now doing something about it. But it won't be pills and it sure as hell won't be spending life on that fucking computer. "It's how I relax" well I suggest you find a new way. this technology crap is done. He won't go to school or better himself with it and only hide behind it. the ultimatum is now. Unless tomorrow I lear something that blows me away it will be me or that computer and those fucking games. It is getting really hard for me to keep caring about someone that doesn't give a shit about himself or anything else. I'm sorry his parents didn't do this a long time ago but I sure am. And he can either choose to change or he will choose to get the fuck outta my house. But I cannot take this depressed-lazy-hide from taking reponsiblity-bullshit anymore. It's wearing on me and it's wearing on my health. I guess I better go get the number for LDSfamily services. they are getting a call tomorrow from me. My buddy Daniel recomended a great mariage councler but we are going a step farther. we are going to get a single councelor for his "depression" til that councelor and God tell me that there is no other way except pills that WILL NOT be an option. Mark my words.
My good friend Steph just got engaged. so Congrats to her. I hope things for her and Allen work out. I miss that time. as hectic and stressful as it was it seems like things for me and Andy have gone downhill since then. But I'm super happy for her. They are planning june 23rd so hopefully Darcy will still be here and all that we'll see. Congrats Steph and Allen.
Tonight Jim and Amanda invited us over for dinner. That was super nice to get out and see Clay and Lexi and them and just visit. Thanks you guys.
Now for the venting part of the post. I'm not sure where to start but here goes
I'm pretty fed up with the state of things here. I thought we had a real breakthrough last week but it feels like that was crap. He claimed he was going to do something about it and yet nothing. I'm pretty fed up with this technology crap tho. Everything has to be about technology. Last night I went to sleep in the bed cuz I was actually tired instead of fine and then asleep like normal. He went to bed half hour earlier. I get there and he was playing solitare on his ipod. He played that for prolly another hour before I fell asleep and god knows how long after. I get up today realize I have slept thru church yet again, went out started watching tv and then was asleep again. I dunno how that happened. When I woke up andy was in on his stupid computer as always. he stayed on it til prolly 6 or 615 when we started getting ready to go to his brothers house for dinner as mentioned above. on the way there he bitched about the road being closed and 12th street being remodled. Then we didn't say anything til we got there. There he didn't say much and then proceeded to get in an argument with his brother over freaking pineapple. Really? After Dinner Amanda and I stayed in the kitchen for a while talking and Jim and Andy went out into the living room to talk. then Amanda and I went into the living room. Durring this discussion andy pulled out his phone to 'look at the time' and then proceeded to mess with it totally reverting his attention to that instead of the discussion with his brother and sister in law. really? REALLY?! That sealed it. I don't care what kinda fight there is he will not be having internet on his phone when he jumps to my plan. I will shut data off completely. This is ridiculous. Then nothing was said on the way back and then we get home I go to the bathroom and by the time I was out he was in the bedroom and hasn't come out since. You know this "depression" crap is a bull. I don't really care what anyone says. He claimes it runs in his family. Guess what? runs on both sides of mine too. and yet I've learned to deal with it. I don't spend my whole life scared and angry at everyone and everything. I don't take pills and I am hesitant to even let that be an option. those pills are a joke. Dr's just perscribe them to assuge people. the real problem is in the mind. people who take them are quitters and can't freaking deal with life. So since it's been weeks since he said he would do something about it and surprise surprise nothing has been done then I am now doing something about it. But it won't be pills and it sure as hell won't be spending life on that fucking computer. "It's how I relax" well I suggest you find a new way. this technology crap is done. He won't go to school or better himself with it and only hide behind it. the ultimatum is now. Unless tomorrow I lear something that blows me away it will be me or that computer and those fucking games. It is getting really hard for me to keep caring about someone that doesn't give a shit about himself or anything else. I'm sorry his parents didn't do this a long time ago but I sure am. And he can either choose to change or he will choose to get the fuck outta my house. But I cannot take this depressed-lazy-hide from taking reponsiblity-bullshit anymore. It's wearing on me and it's wearing on my health. I guess I better go get the number for LDSfamily services. they are getting a call tomorrow from me. My buddy Daniel recomended a great mariage councler but we are going a step farther. we are going to get a single councelor for his "depression" til that councelor and God tell me that there is no other way except pills that WILL NOT be an option. Mark my words.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
okey day
So obviously a lot of people read this. I would just like to reitterate that this is used as a vent space for me. mostly. yeah. also I use it to organize my thoughts. so for all you awesome people who will some day have a nice gramatically/politically correct, well put together collection of fun memories and photos with little to no swearing to show your kids, good for you. This is not one of those blogs.
ok so moving on.things between me and Andy have gotten better. We had a real breakthrough a few nights ago and things have felt better since then. at least between us. I am still getting over a bout of homesickness but the only thought that seems to keep popping into my head is what I've told other people time and time again. "the hard scary things are the things worth doing." I think I'm just scared of the unknown. So I'm trying to muscle thru this. We'll see what happens.
Number two. I. Am. So. Sick. Of. Swing. Effing. Shit!.. I mean Shift.I thought I would love it. I absolutly HATE it. I mean I like my job-I won't go as far as to say I love it-and it is a hellova lot better than the shithole I came from(at least here I have yet to be pegged a racist by a 50 year old loser who had nothing better to do but make my life miserable, but I am sick of not having a life. I feel like crap all the time. I never get to see anyone. I can't help at the playhouse. I con't even go to the playhouse, and therefore I have become a bitch to live with. I know that. I try and keep my temper under control and let stupid things roll off, but there is only so much I can take. I have been on nights for two years. I am sick of it. I've heard a lot of people talk about how swing is the shift to move up in until you are comfortable with your job then try and get to days. and others talk about how universtiy was so much easier being on nights and how once that degree is done then it's so much easier to go to days. and Still others just say relax and see what happens this is a great place for you to be. you don't want ot be on opposite shifts as your husband. Not til you have to. To those people I say. Bah! I've done this swing shift shit long enough. If I didn't have friends I would like to see and I was content to just sit around playing video games and watching tv and being online then yes swing would be perfect. But I get antsy being cooped up. I feel like I am missing things. My best friend is leaving on a mission soon and I feel like I haven't spent any time with her since high school. She went to BYUI and I stayed here. She comes back and I am on swings and in the middle of planning a wedding. I try and plan things around my day off I get a new job and that day off is taken from me with little to no hope of gettig it back til middle of the summer the way things are going. She is working, taking university classes and preparing for a mission. we don't even really text anymore cuz we are so busy. My little sister is growing up before my eyes and I am missing it. Last time I saw her she had a seasonal christmas stint at Shopko and was trying to get on track for graduation. Now she has a perm job at shopko, a volunteer job at a retirement home, she is taking a concurrent enrollment cna class and looking at going to Utah Carrer College for vet tech this fall. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?! SO here we are again. At the brink of an assload of rejection. But I am going to get on days before I am 22 or die trying. Forests of the world. prepare yourself. cuz the IRS is about to send me hundreds of rejection letters telling me I didn't make the cut or I'm not eligable. But maybe, Just maybe, in all those day jobs someone will take pity on me and give me a chance. Or perhaps people will get sick of my bitching and moaning and bellyaching and stick me somewhere just to shut up. But I will kiss whatever ass I have to, pull whatever strings I can find to pull, say and do whatever it takes. But I am getting out of this swing shift puragtory as fast as humanly possible.
Anywho. I'm about to start a long time period of 12 hour days until I reach the 24 hour credit limit or they take it away (about 8 days I think) so I am going to attempt to get my fill in of watching tv and sleeping for the next 3 days. Cuz I have this funny feeling nither will be happening again til friday night. So for all you who may or may not read this. Night ya'll.
ok so moving on.things between me and Andy have gotten better. We had a real breakthrough a few nights ago and things have felt better since then. at least between us. I am still getting over a bout of homesickness but the only thought that seems to keep popping into my head is what I've told other people time and time again. "the hard scary things are the things worth doing." I think I'm just scared of the unknown. So I'm trying to muscle thru this. We'll see what happens.
Number two. I. Am. So. Sick. Of. Swing. Effing. Shit!.. I mean Shift.I thought I would love it. I absolutly HATE it. I mean I like my job-I won't go as far as to say I love it-and it is a hellova lot better than the shithole I came from(at least here I have yet to be pegged a racist by a 50 year old loser who had nothing better to do but make my life miserable, but I am sick of not having a life. I feel like crap all the time. I never get to see anyone. I can't help at the playhouse. I con't even go to the playhouse, and therefore I have become a bitch to live with. I know that. I try and keep my temper under control and let stupid things roll off, but there is only so much I can take. I have been on nights for two years. I am sick of it. I've heard a lot of people talk about how swing is the shift to move up in until you are comfortable with your job then try and get to days. and others talk about how universtiy was so much easier being on nights and how once that degree is done then it's so much easier to go to days. and Still others just say relax and see what happens this is a great place for you to be. you don't want ot be on opposite shifts as your husband. Not til you have to. To those people I say. Bah! I've done this swing shift shit long enough. If I didn't have friends I would like to see and I was content to just sit around playing video games and watching tv and being online then yes swing would be perfect. But I get antsy being cooped up. I feel like I am missing things. My best friend is leaving on a mission soon and I feel like I haven't spent any time with her since high school. She went to BYUI and I stayed here. She comes back and I am on swings and in the middle of planning a wedding. I try and plan things around my day off I get a new job and that day off is taken from me with little to no hope of gettig it back til middle of the summer the way things are going. She is working, taking university classes and preparing for a mission. we don't even really text anymore cuz we are so busy. My little sister is growing up before my eyes and I am missing it. Last time I saw her she had a seasonal christmas stint at Shopko and was trying to get on track for graduation. Now she has a perm job at shopko, a volunteer job at a retirement home, she is taking a concurrent enrollment cna class and looking at going to Utah Carrer College for vet tech this fall. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?! SO here we are again. At the brink of an assload of rejection. But I am going to get on days before I am 22 or die trying. Forests of the world. prepare yourself. cuz the IRS is about to send me hundreds of rejection letters telling me I didn't make the cut or I'm not eligable. But maybe, Just maybe, in all those day jobs someone will take pity on me and give me a chance. Or perhaps people will get sick of my bitching and moaning and bellyaching and stick me somewhere just to shut up. But I will kiss whatever ass I have to, pull whatever strings I can find to pull, say and do whatever it takes. But I am getting out of this swing shift puragtory as fast as humanly possible.
Anywho. I'm about to start a long time period of 12 hour days until I reach the 24 hour credit limit or they take it away (about 8 days I think) so I am going to attempt to get my fill in of watching tv and sleeping for the next 3 days. Cuz I have this funny feeling nither will be happening again til friday night. So for all you who may or may not read this. Night ya'll.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Mostly baby related
Still up to my old insomniatic ways. more thoughts. here goes (In no particular order)
I have been particularly baby hungry lately. It pretty much runs my life anymore. It has been my reason for going to the gym, reason for watching what I eat, reason for going to work and not taking time off. It's my reason for everything. It seems everywhere I look someone is pregnant or just had a baby or has 2 or three little rugrats running around. My two sister in laws that are old enough to be pregnant (Amanda, Erin) are both pregnant. A girl I grew up with (Andrea) is pregnant, my old vocal coach, cast member, and coworker (Shantel) is pregnant, and a girl from my old singles ward (Heidi) is pregnant. Another girl from the singles branch (Maddie) just had a baby recently, Daniel and Katelyn just got the Consent to adoption papers signed by Cayden's birth mother Jordan and Katelyn is always full of stories about the cute things Cayden says or does. Every one of the "gangs" kids have kids, even Hensley's Smack addicted mother has two kids that are being raised by her adulterous half lesbien half psyco mother. I Love little kids but this baby phenomonom is almost starting to make me bitter. It's almost as if God is rubbing my face in babies (and most of them are little boys. Anyone who knows me knows there is nothing I would like more than to have a couple sons running around.) My biggest fear is that I've screwed myself out of ever being able to have kids. I haven't ever taken very good care of myself and as a result I have this awesome condition called Poly Cycstic Ovarien Syndrome(PCOS). I found out that ther reason I have a lower voice, and more bodily hair than other females,very irregular periods, and a lot of other "male" attributes is cuz of this. It Basically means that my Ovaries are covered in Cysts therefore I don't ovulate very often and at very speratic times. It also causes the tesasterone in my body to be at a higher level. Basically it means I'm all out of whack. There is a lady at the terrace that has this same thing. Her name is Sally. She has been trying for prolly 5 years to get pregnant and has yet to have it happen. Hearing about her struggles has scared the crap outta me. They ended up adopting a littel girl just recently and they were so happy to have any baby-even one that has so many potential problems (the mother was a drug addict). It scares the hell outta me that someday that could be me. My friend Shantel also has a hard time getting pregnant-tho not for the same reason-and watching her try and fail and struggle and all that also just scares the living daylights out of me. I don't think I can do that. In fact I know I can't. It's stupid and petty and all that but I don't want to be the broken one. I don't want to be the one that can't have my own kids and has to take someone else's child cuz the teens can't manage to use a condom. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not saying go out and kill your unborn child. Cuz I will beat you into a bloody pulp if you can honestly speak the word 'abortion' in a sentance that starts with "I was pregnant but.." But I want my own. at least one. I want that nervousness of realizing I should prolly go get a stick to pee on. I want the excitment of watching 2 lines or a plus or whatever show up. I want all the dr's visits and excitment of telling everyone and feeling the growth and movment and all of that. Believe it or not I even want the uncomfort and the morning sickness and even the labor(a little). I want the whole shabang. I just fear that I may have fucked it all up for myself by living in the here and now for so long.
Andy doesn't seem to understand this...giant need I guess..and to be fair I've never really explained it to him and even if I tried I don't think I could explain it. I have a hard time explaining it to myself. In fact I can't figure it out at all. Up until like 2 years ago I thought all children were gross. I wanted ntohing to do with them til they were out of high school. The all of a sudden it's like I decided they weren't all that bad. and now I crave one.(Or 3)I'm even ok with the hard stuff. Lexi (niece) was having some serious problems yesterday (she has an auto immune deficiency her body kills her blood platlets and therefore somehow causes sever bruising they can treat it tho) and so we watched Clay for a while and worried about our cute little neice and our family sunday. Everything calmed down about 3 am which wouldn't've been a big deal for me if I had slept til 1 pm like I normally do but I got up at 930 to got to church and had been nervous since I had gotten home. I was exahusted. And the thought came into my head. "are you ready for this? Are you sure this is what you want? Could you do this?" I thought about it for a minute and all I could come up with was "I won't know until I try"(my motto for most everything except trying new foods) hearing Clay Screaming for his Mommy broke my heart. But it also made me want that. I want someone to scream for me when it's bedtime and I'm not around. I want someone to hear me in the kitchen and come running in wanting to help and getting into things even after I've told them a hundred times to not to play with that and then they smile and pretend they aren't doing it. I want someone to come crawl up next to me when the water heater turns on cuz they are scared and just being near me makes it better. I've been watching movies lately about troubled kids (it's not that I pick them more like the movies I have a sudden urge to watch deal with that) and all I can think of is what happens if my kid turns out like tb that? can I handle it? Can I break the Dabb cycle and have the home I always imagined? so many unanswerable questions. Obviously the problems between me and Andy are kinda major and have yet to be resolved. I feel so selfish for even thinking about wanting to bring another soul into this before we settle it that it makes me want to vomit. And yet, I can't stop thinking about it. and I am not the best example. I went to church last week for the first time since before we got married. and the coolest thing was I didn't feel out of place in that ward. I was comfortable enough to speak and share my ideas even on day one class one.
I dunno. I guess I'll deal with one bridge at a time. First I will deal with fixing my spiritual relationship as well as my marital relationship( I have this funny feeling that the two will end up being linked). Then I will worry about the offspring thing.
But I'll never know what I can handle until I'm given a chance to try.
I have been particularly baby hungry lately. It pretty much runs my life anymore. It has been my reason for going to the gym, reason for watching what I eat, reason for going to work and not taking time off. It's my reason for everything. It seems everywhere I look someone is pregnant or just had a baby or has 2 or three little rugrats running around. My two sister in laws that are old enough to be pregnant (Amanda, Erin) are both pregnant. A girl I grew up with (Andrea) is pregnant, my old vocal coach, cast member, and coworker (Shantel) is pregnant, and a girl from my old singles ward (Heidi) is pregnant. Another girl from the singles branch (Maddie) just had a baby recently, Daniel and Katelyn just got the Consent to adoption papers signed by Cayden's birth mother Jordan and Katelyn is always full of stories about the cute things Cayden says or does. Every one of the "gangs" kids have kids, even Hensley's Smack addicted mother has two kids that are being raised by her adulterous half lesbien half psyco mother. I Love little kids but this baby phenomonom is almost starting to make me bitter. It's almost as if God is rubbing my face in babies (and most of them are little boys. Anyone who knows me knows there is nothing I would like more than to have a couple sons running around.) My biggest fear is that I've screwed myself out of ever being able to have kids. I haven't ever taken very good care of myself and as a result I have this awesome condition called Poly Cycstic Ovarien Syndrome(PCOS). I found out that ther reason I have a lower voice, and more bodily hair than other females,very irregular periods, and a lot of other "male" attributes is cuz of this. It Basically means that my Ovaries are covered in Cysts therefore I don't ovulate very often and at very speratic times. It also causes the tesasterone in my body to be at a higher level. Basically it means I'm all out of whack. There is a lady at the terrace that has this same thing. Her name is Sally. She has been trying for prolly 5 years to get pregnant and has yet to have it happen. Hearing about her struggles has scared the crap outta me. They ended up adopting a littel girl just recently and they were so happy to have any baby-even one that has so many potential problems (the mother was a drug addict). It scares the hell outta me that someday that could be me. My friend Shantel also has a hard time getting pregnant-tho not for the same reason-and watching her try and fail and struggle and all that also just scares the living daylights out of me. I don't think I can do that. In fact I know I can't. It's stupid and petty and all that but I don't want to be the broken one. I don't want to be the one that can't have my own kids and has to take someone else's child cuz the teens can't manage to use a condom. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not saying go out and kill your unborn child. Cuz I will beat you into a bloody pulp if you can honestly speak the word 'abortion' in a sentance that starts with "I was pregnant but.." But I want my own. at least one. I want that nervousness of realizing I should prolly go get a stick to pee on. I want the excitment of watching 2 lines or a plus or whatever show up. I want all the dr's visits and excitment of telling everyone and feeling the growth and movment and all of that. Believe it or not I even want the uncomfort and the morning sickness and even the labor(a little). I want the whole shabang. I just fear that I may have fucked it all up for myself by living in the here and now for so long.
Andy doesn't seem to understand this...giant need I guess..and to be fair I've never really explained it to him and even if I tried I don't think I could explain it. I have a hard time explaining it to myself. In fact I can't figure it out at all. Up until like 2 years ago I thought all children were gross. I wanted ntohing to do with them til they were out of high school. The all of a sudden it's like I decided they weren't all that bad. and now I crave one.(Or 3)I'm even ok with the hard stuff. Lexi (niece) was having some serious problems yesterday (she has an auto immune deficiency her body kills her blood platlets and therefore somehow causes sever bruising they can treat it tho) and so we watched Clay for a while and worried about our cute little neice and our family sunday. Everything calmed down about 3 am which wouldn't've been a big deal for me if I had slept til 1 pm like I normally do but I got up at 930 to got to church and had been nervous since I had gotten home. I was exahusted. And the thought came into my head. "are you ready for this? Are you sure this is what you want? Could you do this?" I thought about it for a minute and all I could come up with was "I won't know until I try"(my motto for most everything except trying new foods) hearing Clay Screaming for his Mommy broke my heart. But it also made me want that. I want someone to scream for me when it's bedtime and I'm not around. I want someone to hear me in the kitchen and come running in wanting to help and getting into things even after I've told them a hundred times to not to play with that and then they smile and pretend they aren't doing it. I want someone to come crawl up next to me when the water heater turns on cuz they are scared and just being near me makes it better. I've been watching movies lately about troubled kids (it's not that I pick them more like the movies I have a sudden urge to watch deal with that) and all I can think of is what happens if my kid turns out like tb that? can I handle it? Can I break the Dabb cycle and have the home I always imagined? so many unanswerable questions. Obviously the problems between me and Andy are kinda major and have yet to be resolved. I feel so selfish for even thinking about wanting to bring another soul into this before we settle it that it makes me want to vomit. And yet, I can't stop thinking about it. and I am not the best example. I went to church last week for the first time since before we got married. and the coolest thing was I didn't feel out of place in that ward. I was comfortable enough to speak and share my ideas even on day one class one.
I dunno. I guess I'll deal with one bridge at a time. First I will deal with fixing my spiritual relationship as well as my marital relationship( I have this funny feeling that the two will end up being linked). Then I will worry about the offspring thing.
But I'll never know what I can handle until I'm given a chance to try.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Thoughts
Hiya. More random thoughts to try and sort out. I'm not even going to attempt to put them in any order. (It's not like any of my blogs ever turn out that way anyway) Let's just file this one under stream of conscienceness-or however that is spelled maybe I need to borrow annie's super smart kids to proofread my blogs.
Well we had our first big fight. Nothing got resolved. At first I thought it did but tonight has shown me that nothing did. We argued and yelled and I felt like a jackass and all that. Seems he doesn't feel like he can talk to me. Which may be true. But I can't fix it if he doesn't try to talk to me. Which seems to be the path most taken lately. Which just exasserbates the problem more. But we'll get into that later. I have my own ideas about what is going on. My theory is that he is letting people from childhood run his life today. He often talks vaguely about how he hates it when people take teasing too far or something of the like. He's never even told me. (which really isn't surprising lately see above) but I think I might be on the right path by his reactions when I bring it up. My feelings? Everyone gets teased until they cry at some point in their life. You can't let it follow you forever. I have struggled with it every once in a while but you know. I found a way around it. It still creeps up into my mind every once in a while. but I've turned it into a positive. I don;t want to be the fat awkward kid anymore. so I got the p90x disks and joined a gym to lose weight. I didn't want to be the quiet shy picked on kid so I started doing plays cuz I loved going and watching them. And by doing that I met a whole lot of people with the same interests as I. Also I found something I was good at. Which further boosted my self esteem A lot of good has come from that playhouse. I met Lana there. And from her I met Tara and Charla. All of which have been instramental in my lifestyle changes. I look up to each and every one of them as I would a sister. Charla used to take me to do baptism's for the dead and 6 am every saturday. I am not a morning person but I would willingly get up every saturday at 5:15 shower, get dressed, drive to roy to pick her up (cuz at the time she didn't have her own car) and we would go do baptisms. It was awesome. Tara was able to take me thru the temple my first time. I've always felt a connection with her. We've had similar family/church situations so she has always been able to give me personal advice. I know it's not just what she's suppose to say but it's actually what I need to hear. Lana had been bugging me about going to church and going to the branch and all that. but Tara was the one that actually got me started going. And from there I met all kinds of people and influences. And Lana. What can I say about Lana. She is the craziest, funnest, most positive and upbeat person I have ever met. It doesn't matter what is happening or anything She just has the best attitude about all of it. She's got a special gift for not making you feel like a service project. A gift that many people need. You fell like she genuianly cares about you and that's prolly because she does. I have yet to meet a more Christlike example than these 3 women. If I can grow up to be half as awesome as any one of them I will consider myself lucky. I met and got to know Dustin. He is such a nice guy so full of good advice and I will always treasure the time we've spent in that tech booth. Dustin doesn't sugarcoat things. If you are not doing things right he will tell you. If teching is not for you he will tell you. The fact that he trusted me with the soundbooth and lights for 2 years speaks volumes. I met and got to know Annie. She is an awesome lady. and so funny. She's always had that motherly touch. She's so positive as well but she knows how to gently encourage you to do better. She's another example of someone I would love to be half as awesome as. Or even a quarter. There are so many more but these are the people that stand out to me right now. There was almost nothing about the Playhouse that could be considered a "con" that I can think of. It was hands down one of the best descions I ever made.
But I digress. The whole point of that ramble was to say that you can't hide from people. How are you going to get over your fear of them if you do? "But Myndi," you may say "I don't want to face my fears. I'm content staying in my own dwelling not facing them" "well," I'd reply "That means that you are my husband and/or that is very sad indeed" You can't just hide from everything. If you did that then you would be classified and a paranoid psyco and locked away forever in the looney bin. So that doesn't hold any weight. "so what is your next excuse?" I would then ask to which you would reply "It takes me out of my comfort zone. I hate meeting new people and big crowds of people" Lets see how long it takes me to blow a hole in this one. (I give it one very wordy paragraph) If that were true then things like Going out to dinner, or a movie theater, or a concert, or work, or anything really would be impossible to do. How about that mission? I seriously doubt you had any person you even remotely knew down in argentina. and yet you went. you made some friends. you leared a lot. you grew. How the hell did you manage that when You can't get up the gall to go to my family's superbowl party where every person there asked where you were and two even mentioned that they wished you were here (I realize it's family friends but I have known them since I was born. They are my family) and yet you can go to IHOP with that moron Rik and meet his friends. That's not a problem. Explain that. Is it cuz you're all nerds and can talk about stupid damn video games? Or is it cuz no one in my "Family" will buy your bullshit excuses and they force you to be socialble? *makes buzzer sound* ehh Wrong. no weight here. (not as wordy as I expected.)
"Ok." you will reply "Here is my last one. My dad is like this and I am just like my dad." Hahah Dear brain. Please shut down 95% of yourself. 5% should be more than enough for this. Thanks. Love Myndi. Here is my first line of attack. I am like my dad. We have a lot of the same tendencies and problems and tastes. Does that mean I'm a clone? no. I have my own opinions and thoughts and feelings and actions. When I die I will not be able to stand before God and say 'I'm just like my dad' and get a pass. I will be help accountable for my own choices and actions. I grew up side by side with my dad and we are two very different people now. So that doesn't hold a lot of weight with me. Number 2. How many times when we were dating did you tell me that you did not want to be like your dad? A lot. Don't even try to deny it. So now you are saying that you can't help it? Bull to the Shit. You expressed not wanting to be like that and then chose not to cuz it's hard. We'll buck the fuck up. Anything that is easy isn't worth doing. If you don't have to reach how will you grow? You won't. When I say I'm married to 16 year old this is what I mean. You haven't reached or tried to do anything. You have no goals and the ones you have a shiftless at best. You took an easy job at the IRS and don't try to do anything. You stay in one place for years until it becomes unbearable and then you finally get up the gall to move. I've worked at the IRS for a year and I managed to get to a GS 5 Tax Examiner. You've worked there for 4 or 5 Years and you are a GS 4 Clerk. I have a clear cut goal. I want to be an anaylist. Budget to be exact but I'll take any. I know that I need to get a lead job. and then a managers job, and take the hard cases and any details so that I know as many aspects of the job as a whole as possible. I know it'll prolly take 20+ years to get there. I know I need to get back into school and get an accounting degree. I know that it will be tough and I don't have a whole lot of connections. But I have goals to get there. Get to days. Get to school. Get to lead. Get to manager. etc. I know that it will be hard. But I am willing to work for it. Wht are your goals? get to work? Talk to Rik about stupid fucking stuff with no purpose? My group at work, We discuss finaces, houses, credit scores, you know. things of importance. What's your comeback? You are happy. Well that's cuz you choose to be. If you love AUR so much then maybe you should move up to be a te in aur. But you know. I'm only 21 and a girl so I'm sure you have a much better idea of how this should go. But shouldn't you at least feel some shame or something at the fact that I am the breadwinner? I dunno. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about. But I think I am onto something here. And you keep giving me clues that I am right.
So this is a delclaration. I will not coddle you anymore. We are prolly going to get into it hardcore tomorrow becasue I will (as zombieland so eloquently put it- great movie by the way ) nut up or shut up. We are talking about all of this tomorrow in as calm a way as I can muster. and we are clearing the air. And if you are still being a baby then the next step is councling. We made a comitment and I will do whatever it takes to uphold my end of the bargin. But I will not compromise and let you be a lifeless lump. You at least tried when we were dating. We used to be able to talk. What the crap happened? I've invested a lot in you. therefore I am going to try and fix a few of the bad habits I see. If you were more open to suggestion then maybe I would be more open to any you see. But from where I'm sitting I'm the only one trying to improve herself here. I didn't do this when we were dating cuz I didn't have a lot invested in you. Now I do. And I will not allow you to sit stagnet any longer. That is all for now.
Well we had our first big fight. Nothing got resolved. At first I thought it did but tonight has shown me that nothing did. We argued and yelled and I felt like a jackass and all that. Seems he doesn't feel like he can talk to me. Which may be true. But I can't fix it if he doesn't try to talk to me. Which seems to be the path most taken lately. Which just exasserbates the problem more. But we'll get into that later. I have my own ideas about what is going on. My theory is that he is letting people from childhood run his life today. He often talks vaguely about how he hates it when people take teasing too far or something of the like. He's never even told me. (which really isn't surprising lately see above) but I think I might be on the right path by his reactions when I bring it up. My feelings? Everyone gets teased until they cry at some point in their life. You can't let it follow you forever. I have struggled with it every once in a while but you know. I found a way around it. It still creeps up into my mind every once in a while. but I've turned it into a positive. I don;t want to be the fat awkward kid anymore. so I got the p90x disks and joined a gym to lose weight. I didn't want to be the quiet shy picked on kid so I started doing plays cuz I loved going and watching them. And by doing that I met a whole lot of people with the same interests as I. Also I found something I was good at. Which further boosted my self esteem A lot of good has come from that playhouse. I met Lana there. And from her I met Tara and Charla. All of which have been instramental in my lifestyle changes. I look up to each and every one of them as I would a sister. Charla used to take me to do baptism's for the dead and 6 am every saturday. I am not a morning person but I would willingly get up every saturday at 5:15 shower, get dressed, drive to roy to pick her up (cuz at the time she didn't have her own car) and we would go do baptisms. It was awesome. Tara was able to take me thru the temple my first time. I've always felt a connection with her. We've had similar family/church situations so she has always been able to give me personal advice. I know it's not just what she's suppose to say but it's actually what I need to hear. Lana had been bugging me about going to church and going to the branch and all that. but Tara was the one that actually got me started going. And from there I met all kinds of people and influences. And Lana. What can I say about Lana. She is the craziest, funnest, most positive and upbeat person I have ever met. It doesn't matter what is happening or anything She just has the best attitude about all of it. She's got a special gift for not making you feel like a service project. A gift that many people need. You fell like she genuianly cares about you and that's prolly because she does. I have yet to meet a more Christlike example than these 3 women. If I can grow up to be half as awesome as any one of them I will consider myself lucky. I met and got to know Dustin. He is such a nice guy so full of good advice and I will always treasure the time we've spent in that tech booth. Dustin doesn't sugarcoat things. If you are not doing things right he will tell you. If teching is not for you he will tell you. The fact that he trusted me with the soundbooth and lights for 2 years speaks volumes. I met and got to know Annie. She is an awesome lady. and so funny. She's always had that motherly touch. She's so positive as well but she knows how to gently encourage you to do better. She's another example of someone I would love to be half as awesome as. Or even a quarter. There are so many more but these are the people that stand out to me right now. There was almost nothing about the Playhouse that could be considered a "con" that I can think of. It was hands down one of the best descions I ever made.
But I digress. The whole point of that ramble was to say that you can't hide from people. How are you going to get over your fear of them if you do? "But Myndi," you may say "I don't want to face my fears. I'm content staying in my own dwelling not facing them" "well," I'd reply "That means that you are my husband and/or that is very sad indeed" You can't just hide from everything. If you did that then you would be classified and a paranoid psyco and locked away forever in the looney bin. So that doesn't hold any weight. "so what is your next excuse?" I would then ask to which you would reply "It takes me out of my comfort zone. I hate meeting new people and big crowds of people" Lets see how long it takes me to blow a hole in this one. (I give it one very wordy paragraph) If that were true then things like Going out to dinner, or a movie theater, or a concert, or work, or anything really would be impossible to do. How about that mission? I seriously doubt you had any person you even remotely knew down in argentina. and yet you went. you made some friends. you leared a lot. you grew. How the hell did you manage that when You can't get up the gall to go to my family's superbowl party where every person there asked where you were and two even mentioned that they wished you were here (I realize it's family friends but I have known them since I was born. They are my family) and yet you can go to IHOP with that moron Rik and meet his friends. That's not a problem. Explain that. Is it cuz you're all nerds and can talk about stupid damn video games? Or is it cuz no one in my "Family" will buy your bullshit excuses and they force you to be socialble? *makes buzzer sound* ehh Wrong. no weight here. (not as wordy as I expected.)
"Ok." you will reply "Here is my last one. My dad is like this and I am just like my dad." Hahah Dear brain. Please shut down 95% of yourself. 5% should be more than enough for this. Thanks. Love Myndi. Here is my first line of attack. I am like my dad. We have a lot of the same tendencies and problems and tastes. Does that mean I'm a clone? no. I have my own opinions and thoughts and feelings and actions. When I die I will not be able to stand before God and say 'I'm just like my dad' and get a pass. I will be help accountable for my own choices and actions. I grew up side by side with my dad and we are two very different people now. So that doesn't hold a lot of weight with me. Number 2. How many times when we were dating did you tell me that you did not want to be like your dad? A lot. Don't even try to deny it. So now you are saying that you can't help it? Bull to the Shit. You expressed not wanting to be like that and then chose not to cuz it's hard. We'll buck the fuck up. Anything that is easy isn't worth doing. If you don't have to reach how will you grow? You won't. When I say I'm married to 16 year old this is what I mean. You haven't reached or tried to do anything. You have no goals and the ones you have a shiftless at best. You took an easy job at the IRS and don't try to do anything. You stay in one place for years until it becomes unbearable and then you finally get up the gall to move. I've worked at the IRS for a year and I managed to get to a GS 5 Tax Examiner. You've worked there for 4 or 5 Years and you are a GS 4 Clerk. I have a clear cut goal. I want to be an anaylist. Budget to be exact but I'll take any. I know that I need to get a lead job. and then a managers job, and take the hard cases and any details so that I know as many aspects of the job as a whole as possible. I know it'll prolly take 20+ years to get there. I know I need to get back into school and get an accounting degree. I know that it will be tough and I don't have a whole lot of connections. But I have goals to get there. Get to days. Get to school. Get to lead. Get to manager. etc. I know that it will be hard. But I am willing to work for it. Wht are your goals? get to work? Talk to Rik about stupid fucking stuff with no purpose? My group at work, We discuss finaces, houses, credit scores, you know. things of importance. What's your comeback? You are happy. Well that's cuz you choose to be. If you love AUR so much then maybe you should move up to be a te in aur. But you know. I'm only 21 and a girl so I'm sure you have a much better idea of how this should go. But shouldn't you at least feel some shame or something at the fact that I am the breadwinner? I dunno. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about. But I think I am onto something here. And you keep giving me clues that I am right.
So this is a delclaration. I will not coddle you anymore. We are prolly going to get into it hardcore tomorrow becasue I will (as zombieland so eloquently put it- great movie by the way ) nut up or shut up. We are talking about all of this tomorrow in as calm a way as I can muster. and we are clearing the air. And if you are still being a baby then the next step is councling. We made a comitment and I will do whatever it takes to uphold my end of the bargin. But I will not compromise and let you be a lifeless lump. You at least tried when we were dating. We used to be able to talk. What the crap happened? I've invested a lot in you. therefore I am going to try and fix a few of the bad habits I see. If you were more open to suggestion then maybe I would be more open to any you see. But from where I'm sitting I'm the only one trying to improve herself here. I didn't do this when we were dating cuz I didn't have a lot invested in you. Now I do. And I will not allow you to sit stagnet any longer. That is all for now.
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