it's been a while.. also I need to vent

so as some of you may or may not know about a week ago Andy and I came to a very much life changing decision (although not "official" yet so...) now I'm sitting here really trying to understand what this means. so I'm going to blog. if any of ya'll have any kind o advice/ suggestions feel free to leave them.

Kk so basic overview: on valentines day after we went and did all that hoopla Andy and I had a discussion about where we saw this(our relationship) going. and both kinda came to the conclusion that both of us see this ending in marriage. so it was basically a proposal without the whole "proposal" thing.-thus the it's not official part of this- so we've been talking about it a lot. which is where all this stems from.

After the intital excitement of the whole deal it kinda hit me. oh shit. now I have to tell my family. let me give you a little background on my family(in bulleted form)

• my parents anniversary is may 7 1988, my birthday is Nov 5 1988. go ahead count those. there are only 7 months... yeah and I wasn't early
• my dad is pretty anti Mormon for the most part despite what he claims. his actions say it all
• my dad has a wow problem. and not the computer game type o wow problem. the type Andy and I both have struggled with in the past
• my dad is stubborn. he hasn't been to church in years, when he does go he bitches and moans the whole time and causes much contention and discord and refuses to believe that someone here on this earth knows more than him and that "hocus pocus 'visions' and 'feelings' " actually have truth to them

aka even if we offered to wait and give my family time to clean up so that they could be there with us(which was my first suggestion. I would give anything for my family to be there. It's just not ) it wouldn't happen. and I'm not getting married outside the temple. it's that important to me and I know it is the right thing to do. so basically we have to tell my family our plans, make them feel included, explain our reasons in a way that makes sense to them and that they can understand and accept and not let them find out third party. oh and then plan and execute a meet the in laws and then a wedding. haha I'll trade anyone for the stress of finals right now straight across ;) not really but you know just trying to lighten the mood for myself. back off

so basically the only way we've come up with for telling my fam is to wait until Andy has a ring and then have him ask my dad for permission in a 'I'm-asking-for-permission-but-it's-going-to-happen-anyway' kinda way. and if they do by chance find out third party (which with any luck they won't.) We'll just fess up and explain our reasoning for waiting. but only cuz Andy doesn't go for the whole eloping idea ;) again. joke. kinda i mean my family isn't stupid for the most part. they know it's coming. I'm just hoping things will go smoothly enough that my entire side can live with it. cuz i know i will always have a hard time dealing with the fact that the only people there from my side will be my grandma maybe and a few friends also maybe. but with great sacrifice comes great reward... that's what I keep telling myself.

yeah so that's about it

just eff my dad at this point(and other random ramblings)

So. my last post was amazingly.. depressing. But I had some more realizations last night:

1. My dad is amazingly childish.


2. I have the same weaknesses he does. But unlike him I am willing to admit that I am wrong and don't know anything and trust God even if i don't like what I am being told.


3. I'm done putting forth all the effort to try and keep things pleasant, or at least livable.


4. and I was going to lose him when I got married anyway. We're just starting a little early.

It's amazing. I went from feeling like the most worthless piece of sh*t on the planet and in 20 minutes with Andy all that went away. Gone. I was level headed-well as levelheaded as I get-and wondered why I cared in the first place. I have Andy and I am happy. Nothing else should matter. Amazing. I then went to work(which is a joke anymore. I'm not learning jack squat at this point I'd rather be out on the floor. yes I still wouldn't know how to do what I'm aposta be learning but at east if I got a live call about it I would have to learn-baptism by fire and all you know- but I'm still hoping for an IRS job right quick like January. before the job bid at teleperformence. but that's a whole different story) and learned about the history of the spork. I kid you not. I was that bored(btw 50,400 seconds until the weekend. yes. again.I was that bored) and then it was time to come home. I listened to Christmas music and choir music and night driving by thrice so I would be calm when I got home so I could try and at least not make things worse. I got in my dad just glared at me from the time i walked in and I went "hi" as pleasantly as I could(I'm good at faking pleasant. remember? Wendy's 3 years. telemarketer now. yeah. I can be sweet as pie.. or so you would think) And he takes that an shits on it. "I won't ask you about your life anymore so you won't rip my head off. I'm sorry I care too much." (My first thought was a giant. I'm sorry you care too much about yourself and you resent me.... but I was trying to not sever this completely) so I said you know what? I tried and you rejected. Sit her and be a bitter selfish old man. I'm done putting forth effort. I'm not hurt or mad anymore but I sure as hell am done." and I walked away. He hasn't spoken or even looked at me since but that's fine. I was going to lose him anyway.

Next point. I'm finally OK with getting married at 20. lol it didn't take much to convince me, just a few divine kicks upside the head. ;) The problem now comes when it becomes official and we have to tell our-my-family.(I guess I should still speak hypothetically.. if it becomes official) Andy comes from an extra religious family. as in he is like directly related to some of the first members of the church(I think its the smiths but I'm not sure.) there was really never any doubt he was going to go on mission and he's never been accused of being "too good for this family" I'm sure. His brother was married in the temple. Even tho his two sisters couldn't come. It won't be a big huge deal. they would all go good basically.

My family is different. There are 4 relatives on my side that could actually be inside the temple. 4. And at least two of them aren't close enough to me to make the trip up here from Nephi or wherever. yeah. so my two grandmas.. maybe. My mom and I have already had a big blow out about this a few months ago. It went something like this:

Mom: So what's the deal with you and Andy?

Me: I dunno. We're dating.

Mom: So is it like serious?

Me: I dunno

Mom: well if things do become serious I'd like you to think about getting married outside the temple first so your father and I can be there.

Me: That won't happen. If you guys want to be there when/if I get married you know what you need to do. you've got plenty of time

Mom: You just hate your family and don't want them there. You Know your father would never change and never let me do what it would take.

Me: Well that's you Guy's choice. I don't hate you. I would like nothing more than for you guys to be there. But I won't compromise. I will never end up in a house like this again. Full of distrust and resentment and anger. and if/when I find someone I would care enough about to give myself to I won't risk losing him. I will be with him for all eternity. What if in that year before we could go again One of us died? or something. or we were never eligible again? cuz that happens more often than one would think. Then the whole til death do you part would stand. I won't have that happen.

Mom: you know your father would be crushed...

Me: again, his choice. But I've made mine and I won't waiver so get used to the idea*turns to leave*

Mom:*screaming* you just want any excuse to cut your family out of your life! That boy has brainwashed you with a bunch of pretty pictures! You'll regret not having your family there for the rest of your life!

Me:*now severely ticked and also screaming* He is not brainwashing me! I made this choice long ago! You are the one who got brainwashed! I'm sorry I have standards and won't settle. You made your choices long ago too! I'll regret not having my family there sure. but I'd regret not doing what I know is right even more. And my kids will have the example to look up to. one or both parents will be rms and married in the temple. the first time. you can be to the reception after and all the other stuff but I won't change. And if I ever hear you talk about Andy that way again regardless of if you are my mother or not I will knock you on your ass. You do not get to talk about him like that. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. EVER! He accepts me for who I am and he has saved me from myself so many times before. So I suggest you either find a way to change or accept that you can't be there. Cuz this discussion is over!

I then got in my car and drove away. This was months ago. like August. when we had first started dating. So I've always kinda known the impact this choice would have. Now I'm actually purely terrified to start this up again. It would break my mom's heart to not be able to actually be there. But She'd accept my decision even if she didn't agree. My dad on the other hand would think it was just my way of Keeping him out of my life and would disown me. Not only that but he would force my mom and sister-as long as they lived there- to ostracise me as well. Ellie would support me. I'm sure. We've talked about it. And maybe if I went thru all the hard huge fights-that I can handle. or I would. whether I could or not-it would make things easier on her when and if her time comes and she makes that choice. I don't want to lose my family or have to choose between them and my God. But if forced I will. And My God will win. Every time. Then hopefully things would work out from there. But yeah. again. These are initial concerns. I've decided I will deal with any and all of them when the time comes from here on out-HA as I laugh at myself right...-or so I say.

Yeah. So this is my amazing life. Aren't you jealous?

eff my family, and my life.

I realized a few things last night:

1. My dad is a stubborn selfish asswipe that refuses to change
2. I am just like him
3. I have to get out of this house. and soon. or One of us will end up dead or in jail
4. Andy is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I don't know what I did to deserve him but it was obviously something amazing. and
5. because of this I can't let him in my life more than he is.

I love him too much to put him thru this hell hole that I call life. I can't. I would rather die alone and miserable than ever condemn another person to this. I can't stand the thought of being so insecure that I have to rule him with fear and guilt the way my dad has been doing to my mom of late. And I can't stand the thought of resenting my future children the was my dad does me. If I hadn't come along he wouldn't've ever had to marry my mom. they coulda just continued living in sin. Or the thought of my kids being chased out of their own house, Knowing that the damn dog has more claim to this house than they do. I can't stand it. And the person that would do that to them is me. That gene or trait or blood or idea has been natured or nurtured into me so strongly that I don't know that I could ever change it. The only way to be sure and not do this to the ones I love is to never let them get close enough for me to do it. Once I am out of this contentious shithole of a house I can never come back. and I will never allow my house to get like this. ever. I don't know what to do. I love andy more than I ever thougth possible and I think I got divine permission last night but I know that in order to be worthy to enter the temple and have myself ready to receive.. whatever it is I'm aposta learn when I go in there I would have to forgive my dad. Truly forgive him. And I can't do that. I'll be eternally damned but I cannot do it. And I could never allow anyone I love so strongly to settle for the broken distrustful person that I am. Not in good conscience. And even as I type this I know that I would rather be with andy and the knowledge that he had settled and that I was a selfish human than ever lose him. My life revolves around him and I have a life because of him. he's stopped me from doing stupid things so many times he doesn't even know. From giving up and ending up back in the word of wisdom prison that I struggled so hard to escape to talking enough sense into me that I realize that assault with a deadly weapon is not the answer. Even tho it would force my father to listen to me it would forever sever any chance of repairing this and it would land me my second or third strike. at 20 I could be facing life with no parole. it's not worth it. I dunno.

random realizations all because of eggs

so today was a weird day.

I start a swing shift job next week so I've been trying to get back into swing sleeping (IE staying up and being productive until about midnight) but I also was forced to push my classes up to from 8-10 in the morning. Yeah. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a morning person.. like at all.. oh I can pretend for a while and when its for like rehearsals or something I'll be a total grouch until I start working on something then I'll kinda wake up... also after about two dews(I'm talking 20 ozers) get into my system I'm.. fuctional... somewhat but I am not able to hold my tongue and pretend not to wish you were dropping off the face of the earth like I sometimes can later in the day (I'm not very good at that sometimes either) so anyway.. so this whole getting up at 7 am for school thing.. I dunno how well that'll work... but I get up yesterday morning and I go out to my car to go to school and my car has been egged..for the second time in a week. I mean I park it out on the street but I've never had so much as a dog whiz on it(well except my dogs) in over a year.. and my mom never had problems when she used to park out there... anywho needless to say I was not happy and the air around me was quite profane for quite some time. Then I had to go to school to the advisor who doesn't really know that much more than I do.. and treats all of us like crap... I was not thrilled... so I decided to sleep outside and try and catch whoever was doing this. No one messes with me or my car and gets away with it.



So I positioned the cars just so I could sleep in the back of my mom's truck (yes I realize it's November.. and yes it was cold.. but it was the principle of the thing) and watch my car from there to see if the "Easter bunnies" would be making their "deliveries" again. I didn't really expect to catch anyone cuz who is stupid enough to hit the same car 3 times in a row like that? apparently these kids were.. but I was ready for them if they did come..



Well about 230 I heard a truck go by kinda slow with its brights on.. I wasn't sleeping like I normally do so I heard it and woke up.. my first thought was "they are either lost.. on a back road.. at 230 on a Monday morning or these are my guys that are stupid enough to hit up the same car 3 times in a week". the truck drove past kinda slow then went up the road a mile or so then turned around and flipped off the lights.. "Bingo" so I got out of the truck and kinda crept up where I figured the truck door would be.. the passenger managed to get one egg off before I opened the driver side door and hit the driver. (I'm not usually an advocate of violence.. but again don't mess with me or my car.. and if you are stupid enough to hit the same car 3 out of 4 nights you deserve whatev you get)-they were going like 1 mile an hour if that.. I then began turning the air around the truck blue with profanities and the driver-whose nose I think I broke with my initial angry punch parked the car-yes in the middle of the road.. again back road.. 230..I just punched him in the face... I'm impressed he remembered to park it..-and passenger both got out to find out who has the nerve to interrupt their illegal activities.. I manged to get the driver again as he got out and then the passenger got ahold of me.. he got in a few good punches-I have a bruise on my ribs and a nick under my lip to prove it- then I dunno what happened.. somehow I managed to knock the wind out of one of them (the crow bar I'd stashed under my car prolly helped ;) I never said I fight fair... I'm all about giving myself the advantage) and pin the other under my foot.. I then very politely told them that if I so much as saw that truck or either of them withing 100 yards of my car again this would look like a tickle fight. I then let them limp off.. then after they were gone I crawled inside in hopes of getting some sleep and to circumvent any visible markings I might have.. (I managed to get rid of the black eye I shoulda prolly gotten.. the rest are visible but not that noticeable)

Anywho the point of this story is that I think I matured a little last night. I used to pick fights with strangers just to fight. I would get all antsy and nervous and excited when I knew that there MIGHT be a fight... and I still do.. it's a natural by product. But I don't live for them like I used to..

Also after all that anger and frustration and planning what I would do to them if I caught them But funny thing...when it was all said and done.. I really didn't feel all that great. I kinda felt really crappy. Like i had stooped down to their level..I dunno.. it was a weird realization. And I don't think I'll be fighting much anymore... After all weekend all the crap that's gone on with my family and within myself with the whole mission thing and having to defend my beliefs to my mom to the point of an out an out screaming war about my having a temple marriage that isn't even in the books yet and all of that.. I think I had the Spirit with me more in the last few days then I have in my whole life.. I just don't think i noticed it.. But I sure noticed the lack of it lately... it was weird.. I dunno

Boys, Wow, and a Mission...maybe,

OK so this has been bugging me for a while so I'm going to attempt to organize my thoughts via blog.. and if anyone reads this and has advice.. let me know.. I'll take any and all. But this will prolly jump a whole lot and not make much sense.. but here goes:

so Wednesday was my 20th bday.. so I officially have less than a year until I can go on a mission if I want... now I have to figure out if that's what God wants me to do...

I've wanted to go on a mission as far back as I could remember.. even during my uber inactive years and thru all the bad stuff I've done.. but my family wouldn't be all about it.. my dad says he'll support me.. but I don't think he gets it.. especially since he is pretty anti most the time... he'd support me til I got my mission call and I went to like south America or Australia or Germany or something like that.. then he'd be all "there is no way in hell I'm letting you go there!" or if I got called stateside he'd come try and visit me (which btw I'm almost certain isn't allowed.. its 18 months-for girls- to two years for guys of no seeing your family and friends except for letters and such). He also frequently accuses me of thinking I'm better than the family cuz I choose to say go to church instead of stay home and do the chores he thinks I should do... I hate to think what he would accuse me of if I started to prepare to go on a mission... *shudders*

My mom is a different story: she would be all about it until I started doing things like going thru the temple and stuff like that that she can't do.. she just can't.. not right now and there's no way my dad would let her do the things that would make her eligible... no way... then things would get a little weird... also when it came time for me to leave she'd have a meltdown (again 18 months... letters and like 2 phone calls a year I think... that's it)... plus she doesn't really have a good foundation in the church.. neither of them do.. my mom goes for me and Ellie.. but since I moved to the singles branch and Ellie decided she wanted to be an "actress" they don't really go at all anymore.. I mean I don't go all that often either(maybe like twice a month) but it's way more often than say the once in the last 13 weeks they have gone.. my dad on the other hand just claims he's Mormon if asked but has problems with fundamental points.. like listening to the prophet and certain points of repentance and stuff like that.. he also kinda thinks that God should cater to him.. not the other way around.. yeah doesn't work like that sorry

I dunno how Ellie would react. She used to be really religious... then after constantly being ripped apart by my dad and even me sometimes(I feel really bad about that..) she kinda stopped.. also I don't think the whole acting thing helped.. at all. So I dunno.. She'd prolly support me either cuz she knew it was the right thing to do or because she'd get to take over my room/dvd player/ipod/car/not have to fight for the computer or bathroom/etc.. prolly more the latter.. but a lot of the things I do I do for her benefit. to be an example. The fact that I go to sacrament and institute and pitch a fit when anyone tries to stop me from going to these things is for me but also for her. I want to try and balance out the negative example I've been for the last few years.... I'm not always the best at it.. but I try..

My extended family would be mixed. My Grandma Greenwell would be all about it. My Grandma Sparkes would be all about it as well.. I think.. but she's 90.. she'd forget in a few minutes.. my uncle Jim.. the lecher.. he would prolly support my decision but not really like it.. wouldn't talk about it or want to really know anything about it.. I think.. his two sons (my two cousins that I'm closest to) would hate it.. Tyler may never speak to me again.. he hates religion and everything to do with it as far as I can tell... I dunno about Steven... but see the thing is I haven't seen either of them for well over a year so...all in all I would face a lot of ridicule for leaving a job and school and such... I can see it being a big mess

My friends would support it. Darcy and I have talked about it a lot. She's all about my going if that's what I think is best. I'm sure if nothing else I could count on regular letters from her ;) but there'd be more I'm sure
Steph would write me too I'm sure. in fact I bet most of my friends would write me cuz they are all awesome like that: Cami Heidi Charla Tara Lana.. I bet I could get a few letters out of each of them ;) Even Kimi and Prolly Angi and Julie and even Dustin would write if I asked I bet. Dustin told me once when I was venting to him during one of the LONGEST plays EVER that he would support me if I decided to go even if my family didn't and that he thought I would make a good missionary. (he doesn't know it or prolly remember it.. but I still have the text that says that. It meant a lot to me.. still does.. ) Julie and I have discussed it a few times. she's also all about my going. She thinks I would do well too. Actually Lana is all bout my going last time I checked too..

Now for the biggest one.. aside from my family Andy.

I know he would support me. I know he would... despite all the stupid stuff we've done and the religious rut he was in when I met him always spoke about his mission with the highest respect. He know the importance of it. If that's where I thought I needed to be he would support it. No questions asked.
The problem being that I'm scared to go away. I really do love him. Some of the stuff he does bugs the living HELL out of me..(wow being one and the lighthearted way he takes his priesthood sometimes..) but over all I love him.. and I wouldn't want to lose him.. I can't go a day without texting him..I dunno how I could go a year and a half without seeing him... plus the whole losing him thing.. a year and a half is a long time.. out of sight out of mind.. he could up and get married while I was gone.. to which I would say I wish you the best of luck.. and I would truly mean it.. if that's what was best for him then that's what I would want.. even if it's not what I want... but I dunno.. last night while I was sitting there watching him play wow for like 7 hours and talking to Darcy I was kinda venting my frustrations to her(cuz she'll listen.. and I value her input) I kinda was just wondering.. what happens if things get more involved with us? I mean you claim you're not addicted to wow.. and I can get you to leave every once in while... and for big stuff.. but you're almost constantly on it... I can handle one or two nights a week.. but like 40 hours or more a week? I'm not all about that... what happens if we were to get married? Could i get him to cut back? Or later on If there were kids? could he handle not regularly playing or would we have to make a spot in our lives for wow? these are the things that I think about.. I also sometimes curse the guy that showed him wow... I mean i get that he enjoys video games and all and that's fine.. but all things in moderation.. getting up at 2 on a Saturday logging into wow, staying on til I come over at 5.. staying on til about 830 when you get hungry, going to Carl's Jr, then coming back and staying on til 1130 when I say OK I'm going to bounce then spending 2 hours in the freezing cold talking(which is what I live for.. I love our talks) then going in and playing for prolly another hour or more then going back to sleep.. that's.. a little excessive... I dunno.. I couldn't do it... the whole damn day would feel wasted... and then playing all night Sunday from like noon til like midnight.. then all night Monday Tuesday and Wednesday some Thursday and Friday from like 330 til midnight... kinda feels.. really excessive..almost to an addictive state.. I don't think that I ever was jonesin that hard even in the worst part of my life.. I'm all about this new swing shift he starts tomorrow.. except I feel that he'll be playing all morning.. I dunno.. again.. this would be an issue that would come up if things were getting really serious (IE he proposed) or if I ever get feeling especially pissy... but the point of that rant was that maybe we both need some time to.. I dunno.. prioritize? figure things out? find myself? I'm not that ready for marriage(although who among us is..) I don't think.. now if it was right and God approved.. I don't argue with God anymore. I would trust that I was ready and go for it... but yeah.. as much as I would love to never leave him at his doorstep ever again.. I dunno anyone who can decipher what feeling that is besides conflicted please let me know.. I love everything about him and when he's away from wow...He's such an amazingly deep person and he's so smart and awesome to talk to... away from the computer... ( iusually don't have a problem with it.. I really don't.. I dunno why yesterday bugged me so much... maybe i'm just feeling kinda.. hormonal.. right now.. and if he does read this I hope he won't get pissed..)

I also kinda wonder if that's the reason I'm having such a hard time getting a government job.. I mean I shouldn't have this hard of a time... I have a year of experience.. I know what a 941 looks like and what it's used for and where it goes..all that fun stuff that none of you out there know what I'm talking about.. I have a year of experience.. why would people be getting hired ahead of me?.. It makes no sense... but I think if I get one I will be too reluctant to leave it if it turns out I'm aposta go on a mission.. or maybe the government just hates me.. I dunno

but anyway yeah.. that's kinda my thought pattern right now.. I've kinda decided that I'm going to plan on going on a mission in a year and then if that's not what is aposta happen then something will happen and I will know that that's not where I'm needed... I can't really see a bad to preparing to go on a mission.. I'll be bettering myself and straightening my testimony and learning and stuff.. I'm not telling my family anything about this..yet.. they'll just put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me and stuff. Once I get a fer sure kinda thing I'll clue them in (prolly when I put my mission papers in) Darcy knows my plan thus far and I'm sure Andy will find out sooner or later.. cuz I'd like his input...and he can tell when somethings up..and cuz I love him and despite that long rant about his playing I know that he really does care about me.. and that he really is an amazing guy and that I am lucky to have him.. and because I can't keep anything from that kid..and anyone who reads this.. but that's about it..

What was that?! oh right... consicence

So last night was Halloween and instead of staying home and handing out candy to the three trick or treaters we get and being lame I went to a party with Andy. it was an interesting night;



Anywho we went over there about 7 pm and there was just me and Andy and Wes(the guy what owns the trailer we were at) and it was all cool.. we were just watching resident evil and and eating and talking and stuff and it was pretty chill. Then Wes went and got his wife ,now I guess, Mel who had been playing warcraft in the other room(yes... world of warcraft... I know...) and she came out.. and I could immediately tell she'd been drinking... quite a bit.. but that's cool.. she was being the funny drunk and it was fun.. the she brought out the hookah... which I kinda knew would happen which was one reason I was so reluctant to go to this party.. but whatev... so yeah earlier this week Andy and I had kinda had a talk about my.. inhibitions.. to go to this party.. he had promised me he wouldn't drink or get stoned.. but that if the hookah was brought out he'd prolly do that.. and I kinda agreed to this... not out of my being OK with it but out of my not wanting to cause a fight or argument... it's his life.. so yeah I was kinda hoping it wouldn't get brought out.. but it did and so they started up on that and drinking and then the pot came out for a second but with trick or treaters hitting up the door every few minutes that didn't last too long... but yeah nothing else that cool happened.. we played apples to apples and got Mel's ferret drunk.. which was funny as hell!! and watched ghostship but yeah that was pretty much it



anywho fast forward to when we left... we got in his car and left and were driving back to his house so I could pick up my car and get home before my parents shitted themselves with worry.. (they were all asleep when I came in at 330 anyway.. stupid family) and yeah the whole way back to his house and even while we were at his house the conversation was strained and aloof.. much like it was when we first met.. even when talking about things like religion and stuff that shoulda been easy for us to talk about at this point.. we do it quite frequently.. it was just uncomfortable.. and the safe feeling I get when I'm with him usually was there.. but very dim and hard to feel... I didn't like it... anywho so I went to leave and I gave him a quick hug and then he leaned in to kiss me and I stopped him and said " you've been smoking" and he looked at me and said "you didn't tell me this is what would happen." and I said "you're right. I didn't" and he said something like "that's OK I can deal with it" and I said "no you can't" "you're right I can't" and he kinda looked sad (which hurt so much.. I hate when he isn't happy it hurts me.. stupid cliched I know.. but I almost gave in then but I didn't) and I said went to get into my car and he kinda called back over his shoulder "love you" and I couldn't really say anything back cuz I was.. really conflicted and prolly woulda started crying..so I just left... and then I texted him as I was leaving(cuz I didn't want him thinking I was mad or anything I dunno.. I can't explain about half the stuff I do...just go with it) and I said something like 'you should not smoke anymore cuz truth be told I can't deal with it either.. but since actually gaining a strong testimony of the church and the priesthood things have changed.. I still love you tho and this is in no way a reflection on that' and he texted me back something like 'I know. Its not a good thing to do. I'm not totally sure why I do stupid things like that but after having not smoked for a while then being around it the weed bothered me quite a bit. the hookah was kinda off too. I don't feel as attracted to it as I once was' which also hurt me.. cuz yeah I dunno.. it just does..it kinda feels like he's beating himself up.. and I don't like that... so I attempted to explain myself via text (at 330 am.. yeah I dunno how well it worked) something like 'yeah this one is totally me. there are some things in the religion I left slide.. but anything having to do with the wow(in this blog used as word of wisdom.. Mormon doctrine for anyone who doesn't know...no drinking no smoking no drug use basically not world of warcraft like in most my blogs) I can't.. for myself... I don't mind being around it and I'd never take away anyone else's agency but.. yeah my thought train just derailed' and he sent back one that said something like 'Lol I know what you're gettin at. Even when I was smoking today I could tell you weren't happy and that's not good. I know you won't try to stop me but that doesn't mean I can do it if it's not right. I should know better. I'm sorry if I upset you tonight' and then I kinda went 'it's OK.. I'm sure I do things that bug you too. the important thing is that we can talk about it and get over it" and then I think both of us crashed... cuz I haven't heard from him since.. but I'm sure tonight or whenev I see him again we'll have to have this discussion.

now for my commentary: Tuesday when he had told me about this party he said your parents won't care will they? and I said about the party? nah.. I just can't stumble in smelling of weed and alcohol and he said OK I'll try not to get any on you... and I don't care that he jokes about it.. I do it too.. I'm not some stick up her ass Mormon that can't handle that.. it's part of my history and yeah.. but something about the way he said it made me think he wasn't all the way kidding... so then I went to institute and we had a lesson on the new testament story about the rich young man that was told that he needed to sell all his worldly possessions and follow Christ and how it pertained to us in the here and now. the comment was made by one of the girls in my class that an apostle once said (I can't remember which one or when.. or the quote exactly) "that at some point in each of our lives we will be asked to offer up what is most important to us... the Lord does this to test your patience faith and trust" something like that.. and I was sitting there going 'if I push the wow thing too much he could get pissed and I dunno how much more shit I can take right now.. he's the only thing keeping me sane.. but obviously I can compromise my own standing and values...' and then the same girl said something else like" we shouldn't approach the Lord in fear of what we're going to lose.. because whatever it may be there will be something 10 times better waiting" and then I was sitting there thinking "OK.. well if Andy's not right for me.. then there is someone else out there that is obviously more right for me than him (as hard as that is to believe)." so I texted him and I'm sure he knew something was up cuz he's really perceptive like that and asked him to read a scripture and stuff fulling intending to tell him my inhibitions and stuff and then we went to see nightmare before Christmas in 3D yeah awesome and I kinda decided at some point that I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and not accuse him of things that hadn't happened yet.. so I kinda just skirted around it and yeah.. so I'm wondering what the point in this is basically.. is this God testing me Patience and faith and whatev? or is it more of a this is what you believe and you need to know it for yourself with assuredty? or perhaps I'm just being too emotional about it cuz it's near '(on the)rag time' and because of Scotty od'ing and my whole struggles with alcohol and drugs and because I've never felt this close to anyone in my whole life..... I dunno.. unanswerable questions

To Borrow a phrase from my good friend Charla... The Church is true!

haha yeah gettin religious again. The Apocalypse is nigh! ;) lol

so today I came home from school and I saw on the top of the TV where any mail that is for not the person that got the mail is(if that makes sense.. so like if I get the mail.. any letters not for me I put there for the rest of the family to go thru and find their mail.. or if my mom gets it she does the same etc) this letter for me from IAP(my ex employer if any of you don't know) and I was kinda like "what?" cuz I haven't worked there since like Sept 30th when they pretty much paid all of us out completely.. or so I thought.. so i opened it and there was a check for the end of my benefit allowance that they used to pay us.. $266.69! I was like wow! that's just enough to pay my car payment and tuition for the month of November! which is awesome! I still woulda been OK had this not come but it woulda been really close(cuz I don't start at teleperformence til Nov 17th and therefore I won't start getting paid from there til like the 2nd week in Dec.. in theory) so this was really nice.. and dare I say.. a miracle... now I'll be just fine on funds until I start working again.. which is really nice... everything is starting to come back together after all this shit.. going thru all this with losing my job and unemployment not paying me and all that it's totally been worth it thus far because of all the things I've learned about myself and all the great testimony building experiences it's given me... and yeah.. that's about it... it prolly doesn't make sense to anyone else who reads it.. but it does to me and that's all that matters ;) lol jk.. kinda

New perspective

So I went to institute today after literally 3 weeks of little to no religion cuz I keep being naughty and skipping church to hang with Andy, or watch the broncs game(which I won't be doing anymore.. they seem to lose when I do that) and I keep hanging with Andy in lieu of institute.. but I went today. Wow! I think I'm going to Skip church and institute for a few weeks anytime it starts to become a chore.. I cannot believe how much I've been missing! and it's just amazing how the same story can teach you different things at different parts of your life. Like today we talked about prolly my favorite scripture story in the new testament the woman taken in adultery in the 8th chapter of st. john (verses 1- 11 for those of you following along at home) I've always really loved that story ever since it was first quoted to me when I was about 15. At that time I was just starting my first real venture into "true darkness" where I knew what I was doing was wrong and I was doing it just to be rebellious and "bad" and one of my good friends one day quoted that story to me word for word as we were walking after I had said something like "it's no use. I don't want to change and it would be too hard anyway... I've gone too far" and she quoted that story to me and we had a nice talk. At that time I needed it to be "there is no sin too awful that you can't come back. Christ is loving and merciful. not all fire and brimstone" kinda story but tonight as we talked about it I got a different meaning. well several. But the one I got tonight was more of a "it may seem like the end of the world right now but it's actually a new beginning" thing. It was really quite eye opening. the other story we talked about was the one where Christ heals the blind man on the sabbath (again for all you following along at home this is in the 9th chapter of St. John.... I dunno what verses off the top of my head tho...sorry) by making mud and having him go wash. Yeah. the thing that stood out to me in this story is that this mans whole life had been one giant trial; he was blind from birth and it says he is of age so he's at least 13 but in my mind I see him as around my age so about 20 and Christ's followers ask him "why is this guy blind?" basically and Christ says basically "so I could heal him" His whole life had been one big trial just for one moment in time (well it does live on forever in the scriptures but work with me here) one miracle took 20 years of humbling and faith and trials. For any of you that know what's going on in my life right now this makes sense anyone who doesn't prolly shouldn't be reading this lol but I'll make it relatively short. My world has turned to shit overnight. I lost my job, I'm getting beat out for getting it back by liars who cheated on the assessment and got a lying excellent score and I did it honestly and got a relatively low score so I'm at the bottom of the list to get called back if they don't get a full staff by the time they work their way down to the 91's, so I started going to school with the idea that that unemployment that I have been paying into for 4 years would be of some use and that the state would say "oh. look. She's going to school to be of some use to society. let's us help her out" but alas it's the government.. they thing it's impossible to accept work and go to school so they are denying me unemployment... so I now need a job...like now. so basically short of losing the single greatest guy I have ever met ever! or someone dying very little can go wrong in my life. So this lesson really made me step back and go "wow. am I missing a teaching moment here? is this to prove to everyone and myself that I really do believe what I claim to believe? Should I be telling my family that the reason I am not freaking out too awful much (I am human... sometimes it does get to me) is that I have been told that it'll work out the way it's aposta even if I don't like it? I dunno.... :S Just some random deep thoughts