More random late night thoughts.(mostly venting)

Hey Ya'll. Guess who's up at 430 in the effing morning eating cheese and crackers and blogging cuz she can't sleep. like ever? If you guessed me then you are....wrong. The answer I was going for was Robyn. Robyn... Nah I'm just messing with you. it's me (also I've been watching How I met your mother. Awesome show. if you haven't seen it go get Season one disk 2 and watch game night. That's game night. Then go get season 4 I believe also disk two and watch the naked man.- just trust me on this one- If you aren't hooked then there is something seriously wrong with you.) So I figured I'd maybe try and sort out some of these thoughts that are racing thru my head. And staring at a computer screen usually makes me really tired.

First. Denver lost by one point... ONE POINT to Oakland. This was not a good way to start of my Sunday. The Oakland/Denver game used to be one of the biggest ticket games in the NFL. This is a rivalry that is as old as the NFL. It was the toughest game of the season. Twice as big as the U of U/ BYU football game and more brutal than walking thru a dog pound with bacon pants. Lately it's not been that huge since both teams... have not been playing their best. Between Jay Cutler and Jamarcus Russell It's been a low scoring circus of a game. Earlier this year (before the broncos fell apart what up with that?) Denver was able to kill the Raiders on their home turf. Hold them to only a field goal. This time it seems that the Raiders were back with a vengeance. They held us to only Field goals. I wasn't able to watch the game on TV because green bay was playing and we had to watch that and then I just deleted the game off my dvr but How the hell did that happen? I mean really they manage to get 2 or 3 touchdowns and we can't do one? WTF guys? I don't mind losing by a lot to a team that is consistently better than me. I can respect that. But to lose to a team that normally can't pull their heads out on our turf by one fricken point? unacceptable.(Although one really fat raiders receiver lost his pants during a tackle. Funniest thing I've seen in a while.)
That Green Bay Game we had to watch? They also Played my Most hated team ever. EVER The Pittsburgh Steelers. And Green bay also managed to lose by one fricken point. It was not a good day at this household.
And since we are on the subject of Pro football I'll vent on a little longer about that. Up until this point this season there have been two undefeated teams- The colts and the saints- Now I can respect a good team and a good player don't get me wrong. Got nothing against Peyton (Eli is another story) but everything has gone just too perfectly for the Colts. There have been games where the first half they are down by 20+ points with not so much as a holding call on either team and then all of a sudden second half the opposing team gets 37 penalties on them and the colts are able to squeak by and chalk another win. I'm not saying that the colts did anything wrong- aka paid off the refs like a certain Pittsburgh team has admitted to doing. or anything- but I am accusing the NFL big wigs of something. Here's an idea. How bout instead of what team will bring the most money statistically and will cause the fans to go nuts over and lets take the black rookie coach give him a team whose fan base used to be huge but has been slipping a little and a veteran QB who has something to prove cuz his dad played for the same team years ago and whose younger brother has been getting all the glory for the past few years and put them together with a lot of advantages and calls that are questionable to say the least and they'll do what the Patriots couldn't do a few years ago and go undefeated all the way thru the Superbowl to make us so damn much money and instead how bout we go back to that basics? I think that if football (or basketball or any pro sport really) was played the way it was back in the 40's and 50's when honesty and integrity reined supreme that we would have some different standings. also I believe you could get many more people to watch more regularly and players would play for 15 years easy. Instead now you have people that can't even watch the game because the teams take 5 minute breaks between plays to figure out how to physically incapacitate the other team and the refs spend 20 minutes or more on a call that has been challenged haggling the price of their integrity. I hope that in heaven they have sports and on Saturday morning you can go catch a game with all the great players and know that it was a fun friendly game. and then go back to your daily life and have no hard feelings. (I'm personally hoping that I get to play with Floyd Little and Craig Morton and John Elway and and The 2009 roster. As mad as I am right now They are still my heroes to date. I see some potential in the next few years if we're giving a chance.)
Anyway I think the point of that whole paragraph was that the saints lost to my second most hated team the Dallas Cowboys Thursday leaving the Colts the only undefeated team just as it was planned.

Sorry one more, Both my college teams have made it to bowls tho. #8 Ohio State will be first facing #7 Oregon in the first game of the new year that I care about the rose bowl on Jan 1st 2010 at 430 on ABC . watch it. I'm thinking Oregon's explosive offense will be our downfall but I'm just happy we made it. Watch it. Just do it. and then following that on Jan 4Th at 8 pm on fox Boise State will be taking on TCU in the Fiesta bowl. Again prolly going to lose. Still Psyched we made it. Yay.

OK on to real more important things than sports. (although I effectively managed to procrastinate away a full hour)So I've been having some second thoughts about life choices I've recently made. I know these are supposed to come before but I've never really been one for what you're supposed to do. Darcy a month or so ago informed me that she had decided to go on a mission. It pretty much rocked my world. I mean we've been talking about it since we were little kids-no really- and there are few people that would make a better missionary than Darcy but it totally made me stop and go whoa. I mean before when Angi left (she comes back in may. I hope to get another letter to her before that) a mission was still an option for me. In fact it was my plan. I was OK with my life because I was working a respectable job during the day and hanging out with my friends at night. (mostly at the TPP) but then my whole world changed. First we all got laid off. Then I had 3 months of unemployment then I found the worst job in the world and the only way to take it was on nights. which I thought I would like better. I mean get to sleep in during the day and be making money (with night diff I might add) when I was already up? Sounds great right? I was wrong. Then I got on with the IRS again what I've wanted since High School and able to move out of a dead end area into one that would give me lots of experience in the systems that I would need to move up in the company. then i got engaged, then my unit turned into the unit from hell, then married. then extra hellish unit. then I got a grade raise and went from seasonal to perm but I'm still on nights. and now we are here. I mean I know everything happens for a reason and I have to think that if I'm moving up in the IRS so quickly that this is where I'm supposed to be but a part of me almost wishes I had asked Andy to wait and gone on a mission. I wonder where I would've gone and how I would've done and what I could've learned and who I could've helped and all that. As it is I feel like I'm in a rut. I'm constantly pissed off. Andy and I have some of the stupidest fights on a regular basis. Everything that I used to find cute and fun about him pretty much just annoys me at this point. I haven't seen any of my old friends in a very long time. I pretty much have no chance of seeing them for a while cuz of my stupid work schedule. I don't go to school. I don't have a kid, I don't do anything. I stay up doing nothing until 7 am then sleep on the couch til 1230 get up shower go get lunch go to work come home watch TV til 3 toss and turn in bed til 4 get up and start all over again. I haven't been to church since July making me a terrible example to my family. I mean I went thru the whole thing to be married somewhere where they couldn't be and went thru all that turmoil to become inactive the week after? Hell we could've gotten married wherever and went thru a year later. When I was more ready. at least then maybe we'd still be going to church. What incentive will my sister have to want to ever make it to the temple? or my mom or even my dad? none. And if I don't step up I know that someday I will have to answer for that. I know that they are all their own people and have their agency but I want to know that I did everything I could to show them the true happiness that could be found. and I'm not. That peace and happiness that I once had feels like it was a hundred years ago. Lately all I feel is contentious and angry. At everyone. I'm pissed at Andy for being so damn complacent and not having any motivation to even follow thru on anything that we once talked about. I feel like I have to punish him and yell and threaten to get anything done. And I'm taking second place to the damn video games again. which causes my blood to boil. I'm mad at my friends for moving on and living their lives and mostly I'm just mad at myself. I haven't changed. I'm still the fucked up little weirdo form High school. I'm unhappy with myself and the direction that my life has taken but I'm too damn lazy to do a thing about it. I had all these plans of college and friends and not living paycheck to paycheck and not being fat and out of shape and doing something with my life and instead here I sit. I don't know why I thought I was ready for any of this. But I'm also too damn stubborn to admit I was wrong. So instead I'll go on being miserable and lashing out at people I love and not actually saying what's wrong til it boils over in an overreacted manner and then try and clean up the pieces possibly ruining things in the process.

anyway now that I have publicly verbally beaten myself up I still feel like shit but I'm finally kinda tired. I'm going to watch spongebob and fall asleep on an uncomfortable couch for 3 or 4 hours only to wake up to this mess again. Hopefully things will get better with the holidays and such but I fear that even Christmas(my most beloved of all holidays) can't help me feel too much better. I'm hoping that I get to hang out with Charla and Lana the day after Christmas. I usually feel better after talking to them. Charla may get a random text today cuz I can talk to her about absolutely nothing and feel better. I love that about her. And I'll work my butt off at work in hopes of getting off review quickly and beginning the process of rejection for new internal jobs now that I am much more picky and will only accept perm day 5's (or above) and try and figure everything out one thing at a time.

No one said it would be easy. They only said it would be worth it.

it's been a while.. also I need to vent

so as some of you may or may not know about a week ago Andy and I came to a very much life changing decision (although not "official" yet so...) now I'm sitting here really trying to understand what this means. so I'm going to blog. if any of ya'll have any kind o advice/ suggestions feel free to leave them.

Kk so basic overview: on valentines day after we went and did all that hoopla Andy and I had a discussion about where we saw this(our relationship) going. and both kinda came to the conclusion that both of us see this ending in marriage. so it was basically a proposal without the whole "proposal" thing.-thus the it's not official part of this- so we've been talking about it a lot. which is where all this stems from.

After the intital excitement of the whole deal it kinda hit me. oh shit. now I have to tell my family. let me give you a little background on my family(in bulleted form)

• my parents anniversary is may 7 1988, my birthday is Nov 5 1988. go ahead count those. there are only 7 months... yeah and I wasn't early
• my dad is pretty anti Mormon for the most part despite what he claims. his actions say it all
• my dad has a wow problem. and not the computer game type o wow problem. the type Andy and I both have struggled with in the past
• my dad is stubborn. he hasn't been to church in years, when he does go he bitches and moans the whole time and causes much contention and discord and refuses to believe that someone here on this earth knows more than him and that "hocus pocus 'visions' and 'feelings' " actually have truth to them

aka even if we offered to wait and give my family time to clean up so that they could be there with us(which was my first suggestion. I would give anything for my family to be there. It's just not ) it wouldn't happen. and I'm not getting married outside the temple. it's that important to me and I know it is the right thing to do. so basically we have to tell my family our plans, make them feel included, explain our reasons in a way that makes sense to them and that they can understand and accept and not let them find out third party. oh and then plan and execute a meet the in laws and then a wedding. haha I'll trade anyone for the stress of finals right now straight across ;) not really but you know just trying to lighten the mood for myself. back off

so basically the only way we've come up with for telling my fam is to wait until Andy has a ring and then have him ask my dad for permission in a 'I'm-asking-for-permission-but-it's-going-to-happen-anyway' kinda way. and if they do by chance find out third party (which with any luck they won't.) We'll just fess up and explain our reasoning for waiting. but only cuz Andy doesn't go for the whole eloping idea ;) again. joke. kinda i mean my family isn't stupid for the most part. they know it's coming. I'm just hoping things will go smoothly enough that my entire side can live with it. cuz i know i will always have a hard time dealing with the fact that the only people there from my side will be my grandma maybe and a few friends also maybe. but with great sacrifice comes great reward... that's what I keep telling myself.

yeah so that's about it

it's been a while.

haha so this is a catch up post cuz I haven't posted for a while.

Holidays were great. I got to spend most all of them with my favorite guy in the whole world. It was awesome. Christmas eve I had to work. I came home and my family had gotten Andy's number out of my phone number out of my phone and invited him over. so I came home and he was there. which was awesome. kinda. I kinda worry about him being around my family when I'm not there. but I trust him... so yeah.

Then Christmas morning I got up at 3 am to make my parents gift.. well put it together.. and then I did the secret Santa thing I'd been working on for a few months. Then I slept again for like 3 hours. when I was woken up again to do the whole Christmas morning thing.

OK. Let me explain. My family has the worst luck around the holidays. something major always ALWAYS craps out and we end up having to buy a new.. whatever it is. Transmissions, fridges, stove, dryer something like that always goes out about the end of nov early dec. this year it was the washer. so my parents had to buy a new washer. My mom was basically setting us up for only getting pants for Christmas. In a nut shell. anywho so me and Ellie decided to work more and such and kinda play Santa this year. my parents had no idea. so I moved everything out about 3 am when I was setting up the fire pit we got for my parents. My mom and dad were pretty much like. wow. (OK they both started crying. which I hate. but it was a good cry) so it was pretty cool to be able to do that for my family.

Then I got to go hang with Andy and his family. who I also love. They are so awesome! I love his house. I'm actually there now. Even when it is chaotic it's got a nice calm feeling to it. It's nice. for whatever reason-respect, trust, priesthood, or something else- I love the feeling and spirit around Andy's house. His brother is like so awesome! I love Jim and Amanda(older brother and sister in law) and their two kids are so cute! Lexi-his niece- is like 7 months old and she spend like an hour just opening one present. it was adorable! I love kids! his 2 year old nephew is also adorable! I love Clayton! He knows my name and likes to come talk to me til I poke him in the belly then he runs away laughing. and I love his older sister Erin. She is awesome. actually aside from him and his parents I believe she was the first person I met from his family. It was on the way to his little sister Kaycee's birthday party and she had pulled up just as I'd pulled up and she was so friendly. Despite the fact she had no fucking idea who I was. I even like Paul-her boyfriend she's marrying pretty soon cuz I can't spell the other word- who seems to be kinda... different. He's just kinda aloof. kinda like me. I think it's cuz he's not a member. of the church or the family quite yet. But he's cool. a little odd. but he's always been nice when I've seen. Kaycee is.. and 8 year old. but she is so funny. I like her. she's not sure about me I don't think... but she's still cool. I love his dad as well. Jim is a big teddy bear-which he is. I kinda imagine emmett off of twilight to be like him- his dad is too. He is so awesome. I think Andy has kinda explained the situation at my house to him a little. but he is always trying to teach me about the church without teaching me about the church. He's also a big gamer like Andy-but not quite as big a one as he is- and so he is always including me in their games. even tho I suck with a Capitol S. lol His mom is pretty awesome too. They are all so awesome! I still kinda feel a little out of place but I'm just like that for the most part. But I got to hang with them. The bad part was trying to drive home later.... but even that was kinda fun. Exhilarating even. lol but you know me. always the thrill seeker.

Then I had to work again New years eve-I hate being the new guy. getting all the shit shifts- but then when I got off everyone was at parties and such so Andy came over and I made eatable food and we watched meet the Spartans and prom night. it was really nice. ;) and I actually got a sober new years kiss from someone I care about. unlike the last few years. so that was good. and it was nice to be able to sit at my house. where I'm pretty comfortable. With the person I am most comfortable with and no one else to bother us. I can't wait til I move out and I can do that more often. I mean even now we are just chillin in his room doing our own thing and it's kinda nice. but his fam is still here. It's not like we're doing anything we shouldn't be and it's not like I don't love them.(as does he I'm sure) but it's just nice to get away you know? does any of that make sense? I Dunno. it does to me.. kinda

but yeah. since then I've pretty much just worked. Friday was Andy's birthday and so he had the day off. we went to Iggy's for dinner after I got off work and then went to see the unborn.

Iggy's was funny. It was good food but the service sucked. I mean really really sucked. There was a table near us that the people left about 830. and it was still unbused when we left at 945! I mean it wasn't like they were so busy they couldn't do it. They were just lazy. and a Knife was dropped on the floor near us.. like a steak knife... and 3 people kicked it out of the way instead of picking it up! who does that? lol

Then we went to see the unborn. SCARY AS FUCK! just a warning. I am a chicken. but this movie was scary. Poor Andy prolly still has no feeling in his arm. It's full of Jewish lore and old WWII stuff. but I don't deal with movies about debouks-evil spirits- and possession and such well. and this wasn't your normal blood and guts movie either. it was scary in the fact that it was actually creepy. We then went to wal marts and messed around and talked and stuff til like 4. then I went home and stayed up til like 6 when I could finally see stuff and get to sleep. I slept until about 10 when my parents woke me to see if I wanted to go to the movie and breakfast with them. again. my answer is always no. I then showered, changed, and went up to see Ellie at work. We went to lunch then I went home. played on facebook and addictinggames.com again and then I went to dinner with Andy's while family at Texas roadhouse. Andy's birthday is the 9th. His dad's is the 10th. they usually celebrate together I guess. which is what that was. I guess. Then we went to his brothers and played trivial pursuit. Then he and I sat in his car making shadow puppets and just being idiotic. It was really fun. I love being able to just be stupid with him. It's so nice.

now I'm sitting here watching him play wow and blogging. and listening to him on vent. which is a voice.. thingy. they use on wow. so I can listen and talk with him and his nerd friends-who prolly think I'm a bitch. and I'm ok with that- and blogging. lol that's pretty much it

insomiatic.. is that a real word?

I can't sleep. again. So my solution again? blogging. lol I never thought I would like blogging as much as I do. Thanks Annie!

So I hit the floor Monday. This means that I will be out job hunting again on Tuesday. lol but no all things considered I'm still really nervous. I can't remember how to even do the simplest of things. So here's hoping I get an IRS job between now and then(it won't happen) or that I make it thru monday without freaking out or dying or getting fired

I get to go down to SLC with my favorite guy tomorrow... I think. I'm much excited. I also get to try and get my mom out of the house so I can put together my parents Christmas gift. I'll blog about what it is after Christmas to preserve the secret ;)

Speaking of Christmas, it'll be interesting this year. I am apparently going over to Andy's and spending a good chunk of the day with his family. They have like totally adopted me. Which makes things easier, except that you know I haven't told my family yet that I will be gone a chunk of the day. It's not like we do anything, get up open presents, then watch 8 hours of a Christmas story or go visit relatives that I don't even think are related to me they are so distantly related. But still... I dunno. It'll be an interesting day.

Yeah. I'm kinda hopped up on dew and pixy stix so this blog is random and short. But I'm going to go roll around in the snow and then hopefully get to sleep. yeah the end

I don't really have a good title for this...

Yesterday was.. I dunno..

I'd gotten in about 6 am Saturday morning cuz I stayed out with some people from teleperformance to watch them get smashed. so I came in and went to sleep for a minute. Then about 830 or 9 my mom came in and asked if I wanted to to go to breakfast with her and my dad. I don't know why she asks my answer is always the same. always. no. because
A) it's too damn early
B) I'm almost always fighting with my dad or on a neutral ground but I still would rather stay away to minimize the chances of starting said fight back up and
C) The two of them act like 17 year olds.. all the time. It drives me up the wall. If I so much as hold Andy's hand I get lectured but they get to make out all the time. no. it pisses me off cuz I don't wanna see that and it always happens.
So I waited for them to leave then got up, showered, did all my computer stuff I was going to do and then went back to sleep. Then my alarm went off at 2 pm so I could get up and go to Andy's family party with him. As I was leaving my dad spoke the first words he'd said to me in 3 days which was "it'll freeze tonight, drive safely" which isn't much but it's more than I have been getting and it means he respects my decision to stop putting forth effort. well at least acknowledges it.

So I went to Andy's family thing. Which was really fun. It was his mom's side of the family and there were like cute little kids running all over and i got to meet all kinds of his relatives.. some were awesome. some were... interesting.. but it was fun. Then we decided that that was enough family time for a while so we decided to go see the day the earth stood still. Which was also interesting. But I really liked it. I would recommend it to anyone looking for a movie to go see. It's got some cool special effects and although I don't much care for Jennifer connely-I did love her in requiem for a dream, but I just love that movie-I love Keanu Reeves and Will Smiths little boy-Jaden- is such a good actor. And so cute!

After the movie got over-it was almost midnight-we had to go up to walmart and get some milk and stuff for Andy's family then we went back to his house and sat in the car talking until like 2 am when we decided to go to the bk lounge and get chicken wraps and cheesy tots. (and because even tho he won't admit it he wanted to listen to the rest of my Broadway/disco music ;) ).. well he wanted food. I just didn't want to go home. Then we went back to his house and stood talking until like almost 4. Then I came home.

WARNING: this next part contains a paragraph so cheesy a Kraft box couldn't handle it and so much sap that it puts a maple tree to shame ;) you have been warned

It was so weird. I've never been able to really talk to anyone like him. And I love being held by him. I'm not usually all about being all touchy feely. but I feel so safe with him. like nothing could ever hurt me. I can be feeling so horrible and not care about anything and 2 hours with him makes life worth living again(IE last Thursday) He can make me feel like things I constantly beat myself up for don't matter anymore, and he never allows me to make jokes at my own expense. I dunno what I did to deserve him but I should do more of it.

anywho yeah. that's pretty much it

just eff my dad at this point(and other random ramblings)

So. my last post was amazingly.. depressing. But I had some more realizations last night:

1. My dad is amazingly childish.


2. I have the same weaknesses he does. But unlike him I am willing to admit that I am wrong and don't know anything and trust God even if i don't like what I am being told.


3. I'm done putting forth all the effort to try and keep things pleasant, or at least livable.


4. and I was going to lose him when I got married anyway. We're just starting a little early.

It's amazing. I went from feeling like the most worthless piece of sh*t on the planet and in 20 minutes with Andy all that went away. Gone. I was level headed-well as levelheaded as I get-and wondered why I cared in the first place. I have Andy and I am happy. Nothing else should matter. Amazing. I then went to work(which is a joke anymore. I'm not learning jack squat at this point I'd rather be out on the floor. yes I still wouldn't know how to do what I'm aposta be learning but at east if I got a live call about it I would have to learn-baptism by fire and all you know- but I'm still hoping for an IRS job right quick like January. before the job bid at teleperformence. but that's a whole different story) and learned about the history of the spork. I kid you not. I was that bored(btw 50,400 seconds until the weekend. yes. again.I was that bored) and then it was time to come home. I listened to Christmas music and choir music and night driving by thrice so I would be calm when I got home so I could try and at least not make things worse. I got in my dad just glared at me from the time i walked in and I went "hi" as pleasantly as I could(I'm good at faking pleasant. remember? Wendy's 3 years. telemarketer now. yeah. I can be sweet as pie.. or so you would think) And he takes that an shits on it. "I won't ask you about your life anymore so you won't rip my head off. I'm sorry I care too much." (My first thought was a giant. I'm sorry you care too much about yourself and you resent me.... but I was trying to not sever this completely) so I said you know what? I tried and you rejected. Sit her and be a bitter selfish old man. I'm done putting forth effort. I'm not hurt or mad anymore but I sure as hell am done." and I walked away. He hasn't spoken or even looked at me since but that's fine. I was going to lose him anyway.

Next point. I'm finally OK with getting married at 20. lol it didn't take much to convince me, just a few divine kicks upside the head. ;) The problem now comes when it becomes official and we have to tell our-my-family.(I guess I should still speak hypothetically.. if it becomes official) Andy comes from an extra religious family. as in he is like directly related to some of the first members of the church(I think its the smiths but I'm not sure.) there was really never any doubt he was going to go on mission and he's never been accused of being "too good for this family" I'm sure. His brother was married in the temple. Even tho his two sisters couldn't come. It won't be a big huge deal. they would all go good basically.

My family is different. There are 4 relatives on my side that could actually be inside the temple. 4. And at least two of them aren't close enough to me to make the trip up here from Nephi or wherever. yeah. so my two grandmas.. maybe. My mom and I have already had a big blow out about this a few months ago. It went something like this:

Mom: So what's the deal with you and Andy?

Me: I dunno. We're dating.

Mom: So is it like serious?

Me: I dunno

Mom: well if things do become serious I'd like you to think about getting married outside the temple first so your father and I can be there.

Me: That won't happen. If you guys want to be there when/if I get married you know what you need to do. you've got plenty of time

Mom: You just hate your family and don't want them there. You Know your father would never change and never let me do what it would take.

Me: Well that's you Guy's choice. I don't hate you. I would like nothing more than for you guys to be there. But I won't compromise. I will never end up in a house like this again. Full of distrust and resentment and anger. and if/when I find someone I would care enough about to give myself to I won't risk losing him. I will be with him for all eternity. What if in that year before we could go again One of us died? or something. or we were never eligible again? cuz that happens more often than one would think. Then the whole til death do you part would stand. I won't have that happen.

Mom: you know your father would be crushed...

Me: again, his choice. But I've made mine and I won't waiver so get used to the idea*turns to leave*

Mom:*screaming* you just want any excuse to cut your family out of your life! That boy has brainwashed you with a bunch of pretty pictures! You'll regret not having your family there for the rest of your life!

Me:*now severely ticked and also screaming* He is not brainwashing me! I made this choice long ago! You are the one who got brainwashed! I'm sorry I have standards and won't settle. You made your choices long ago too! I'll regret not having my family there sure. but I'd regret not doing what I know is right even more. And my kids will have the example to look up to. one or both parents will be rms and married in the temple. the first time. you can be to the reception after and all the other stuff but I won't change. And if I ever hear you talk about Andy that way again regardless of if you are my mother or not I will knock you on your ass. You do not get to talk about him like that. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. EVER! He accepts me for who I am and he has saved me from myself so many times before. So I suggest you either find a way to change or accept that you can't be there. Cuz this discussion is over!

I then got in my car and drove away. This was months ago. like August. when we had first started dating. So I've always kinda known the impact this choice would have. Now I'm actually purely terrified to start this up again. It would break my mom's heart to not be able to actually be there. But She'd accept my decision even if she didn't agree. My dad on the other hand would think it was just my way of Keeping him out of my life and would disown me. Not only that but he would force my mom and sister-as long as they lived there- to ostracise me as well. Ellie would support me. I'm sure. We've talked about it. And maybe if I went thru all the hard huge fights-that I can handle. or I would. whether I could or not-it would make things easier on her when and if her time comes and she makes that choice. I don't want to lose my family or have to choose between them and my God. But if forced I will. And My God will win. Every time. Then hopefully things would work out from there. But yeah. again. These are initial concerns. I've decided I will deal with any and all of them when the time comes from here on out-HA as I laugh at myself right...-or so I say.

Yeah. So this is my amazing life. Aren't you jealous?

eff my family, and my life.

I realized a few things last night:

1. My dad is a stubborn selfish asswipe that refuses to change
2. I am just like him
3. I have to get out of this house. and soon. or One of us will end up dead or in jail
4. Andy is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I don't know what I did to deserve him but it was obviously something amazing. and
5. because of this I can't let him in my life more than he is.

I love him too much to put him thru this hell hole that I call life. I can't. I would rather die alone and miserable than ever condemn another person to this. I can't stand the thought of being so insecure that I have to rule him with fear and guilt the way my dad has been doing to my mom of late. And I can't stand the thought of resenting my future children the was my dad does me. If I hadn't come along he wouldn't've ever had to marry my mom. they coulda just continued living in sin. Or the thought of my kids being chased out of their own house, Knowing that the damn dog has more claim to this house than they do. I can't stand it. And the person that would do that to them is me. That gene or trait or blood or idea has been natured or nurtured into me so strongly that I don't know that I could ever change it. The only way to be sure and not do this to the ones I love is to never let them get close enough for me to do it. Once I am out of this contentious shithole of a house I can never come back. and I will never allow my house to get like this. ever. I don't know what to do. I love andy more than I ever thougth possible and I think I got divine permission last night but I know that in order to be worthy to enter the temple and have myself ready to receive.. whatever it is I'm aposta learn when I go in there I would have to forgive my dad. Truly forgive him. And I can't do that. I'll be eternally damned but I cannot do it. And I could never allow anyone I love so strongly to settle for the broken distrustful person that I am. Not in good conscience. And even as I type this I know that I would rather be with andy and the knowledge that he had settled and that I was a selfish human than ever lose him. My life revolves around him and I have a life because of him. he's stopped me from doing stupid things so many times he doesn't even know. From giving up and ending up back in the word of wisdom prison that I struggled so hard to escape to talking enough sense into me that I realize that assault with a deadly weapon is not the answer. Even tho it would force my father to listen to me it would forever sever any chance of repairing this and it would land me my second or third strike. at 20 I could be facing life with no parole. it's not worth it. I dunno.

I'm not sure what just happened but I think I got one of my wishes.. or will be soon..I think

Last night was My Rigby/Sparkes/like 5 other surnames side of the family Christmas party(aka my moms). I've never really been all about this party cuz.. well take me at my loudest and most obnoxious and times it by about 200. You now have the Rigby side of the family. We are big fat loud redneck mofos! Actually it's really close to the party in my big fat Greek wedding..you know.. just loud and boisterous and welcoming and HUGE! It can be fun at times. But add that to the fact that I don't really know about 185 of the people on that side and my cousins are like 43 and 38. yes. my first cousins. their kids are closer to my age than they are. it's not so much fun. There was always me and Ren(my 3rd cousin) that were the same age.. and everyone else was either like 4 years younger or 10 years older. Crazy.

Anyway. so I decided-after much guilt from my mom and much begging and pleading from various aunts and grandmas and stuff-that Andy needed to meet this side of the family. For a few reasons:

1. It would be a good test. If he can handle this side of my family without running away in fear he's a keeper
2. He needs to know the gene pool he's getting into-perhaps
3. Someone for me to talk to and
4. This is the side of the family that at my Grandma's 90th birthday party(when Andy didn't come) kept asking things like "where's this Andy we've heard so much about" and "When is your wedding? let me see your ring" and "where are your two kids and husband?"-I dunno where that one came from-I was in a constant changing state of relationship. from pregnant unwed mother that the "babydaddy" ran off to married with two kids and everything in between. I felt the need to generate a few rumors *mischievous grin*. Hey they are my blood. They are stuck with me Forever! So I feel that it's OK to be an ass once in a while

so I took him. We had to show up a little early to help set up cuz it was the sparkes turn to set up-we rotate who is in charge by "family" so my grandma's three kids-my mom my aunt and my uncle-and their immediate families-ie kids and kids kids and spouses-and that was defiantly the worst part. There were only like 12 people there so it was interrogation city for him. But then as more people showed up we were able to slip under the radar and not get interrogated too badly. Haha and my 90 year old grandma ran right up to Andy and gave him this Huge hug when we both got there and was all "there's my Andy!" and he just kinda laughed like.. ok? haha My grandma is one of those people you can't help but love. So we ate then it was time for the gift exchange. Which meant He had to go sit with the guys. and I had to sit with he girls.. on the other side of the room. so that was interesting. but we got thru that then we left right quick. And were were driving around and talking about all the weddings we have coming up-I have like at least 3 friends, and one family friend and he has his sister and his cousins- and he stops halfway thru his sentence and goes "G*****n my brain" and I go.."Um......K...what?" and he goes"nevermind. it just has to do with a topic that has been brought up quite a few times tonight" and I kinda internally went "ah!!!!" cuz the last time those two sentences were put together was when the whole love thing came up... but anyway we decided to go see bolt-which is ADORABLE! btw- and then we got to his house so I could drop him off and we were sitting there talking cuz I was pissed cuz my dad had left me like 3 voicemails all of them starting with "don't ignore me.. why do you think I pay for you to have a phone?"-when it goes straight to voicemail without ringing. the phone is off.. I'm not ignoring you-gr.. anywho and we were talking about Jeff Dunham and he goes you have got to see the Christmas special. I've got it on my ipod.. you wanna watch? and I said yeah I do. so we sat in my car watching Jeff Dunham(.com lol anyone who watches him gets that) for an hour then it was like 1:15 in the morning so I started trying to leave kinda so we got out and started talking and making horrible lame jokes and stuff.. cuz it was really late for both of us-neither of us got much sleep the night before- and so we were standing there and I was talking about how that side of the fam only gets together once a year so he's safe for another year and how I'm not all about extended family usually and he goes "well my brother says when you get married your extended family consists of your brothers and sisters" all cryptic like. And whatev. So yeah we finally decided at about like 2:15 it was time to go in cuz he was about to lose extremities cuz the boy doesn't wear a coat. I really won't think less of you for not wanting frost bite. Hell I admit I'm cold all the time.. I steal his coat in his car all the time. ;) but so yeah I left adn then cuz I'm much braver over text than I ever would be in person I sent him this:

Btw is this your way of telling me I should be paying tithing and all that other stuff that would allow me to enter the temple again?

And his response was:

Lol I guess if you want to say that. But I need to do that too lol.

WHAT THE CRAP DOES THAT MEAN?! AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dunno what to even think.. and he knows I'll stew on it that why he's hinting about it. And the worst part is I totally texted Darcy. like immediately. cuz yeah.. I needed advice and all that jazz and said:

I realize you're sleeping and I hope your phone is off so I don't wake you.. but I think I was just told I should plan on not going on a mission...

and I woke up to this response:

Wow... you THINK? You mean you aren't SURE? ;) what happened? and You want to know the bizarre thing? when you told me that you were taking Andy to your party I had the weirdest feeling and I knew something was going to happen! Of course I just laughed at myself but.. wow.. that's weird...

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Ok... lol now that that is kinda out of my system if anyone has any thoughts I could totally use them.. I'm going to go attempt to clean my room I think to try and keep my mind shut off...I mean I love him and I'm pretty sure this is what I've wanted from day like.. 5.. but now that this is an actual possibility instead of just wishful thinking I'm really really nervous.. I think.. it's all really new... I think.. I dunno.

insomnia

No matter how tired I am in class when I get home I am horribly awake so I stay that way til about 130. The good news? Malcolm in the middle plays on CW30 at 1 am. the bad news? at 7 when my alarm goes off. I'm freakin tired and grumpy. So i am going to blog about everything til either A) I get tired or B) Malcolm comes on

First: work.

It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I mean Granted I'm still in training and I haven't had that pissed off guy that threatens my life cuz I won't give him 5 free iphones but when they told me there were like 29 different computer programs that you use like every day I got a little nervous but so far I am retaining the info pretty well and able to use about 5 systems. and my years at Wendy's have taught me how to up sell so as long as I can keep my temper in check(I'm taking bets on this... I have everything form 5 minutes after I get a call to never getting fired if you would like to place one.. you have til the 21st on midnight)I think I'll do OK.

Speaking of keeping my temper in check. I'm learning about that this week. The girl I sit next to in class for this week is the most negative person I I have ever met! Emo/goth kids are more positive than this lady She complains about everything and acts like we should all care that her boyfriend is in jail leaving her to fend for herself and her two kids. She sits in class doing her make up and texting and drawing and then will wait til it's free time to independently work on what we've just discussed then she will bug me until I show her. This is how it usually goes:

Instructor: Ok class. You have ten minutes to work on adding a group feature and an individual feature

Girl who shall not be names (GWSNBN): *grabs my arm* wait what? I'm so lost and stupid. I'm just so tired cuz my boyfriend's in jail and my kid is sick and blah blah blah

Me:*mutters under breath* maybe if you payed attention...

G: What?

M: nothing.. get into the billing system...

G: what? csp? is it this *clicks on calculator*

M: *mutters* oh my.. *to other girl next to me* Hey Kristy since you've worked here before can you show [GWSNBN] how to do this so I can learn this too *whispers* and cuz you are more patient than I am

K: sure *moves over*

then this girl talks during the whole thing. asking questions that either a) have already been asked.. twice. b) have nothing to do with what we are discussing (IE we are discussing the billing system GWSNBN will ask about text messaging plans) or c) are just random comments about her life that have no relevance whatsoever... I can't freakin hear with her and when we partner up and I get stuck with her nothing gets done and I end up pulling something out of my ass to cover the fact that she wouldn't do anything but complain and mope and get so lost in the computer that the simplest thing-go to the at&t website- is like asking her to calculate the trajectory of this space probe.. in Latin. Grr.


Next item to calm down: My wonderful boyfriend.

As pissed off as I have been in the past few weeks with him and his gaming "habits" (IE addictions. I feel like i need a wow-anon for him.. Darcy I think I just found the name ;) woot for sleep deprivation! ) When I'm with him all that goes away.. unless he's on the game with his headphones in ignoring me then I feel like I'm on a date with Casper and I start to get ticked.. but again "nother post entirely But he's put up with the greenwell side of the family and is now getting ready to face the rigby/sparkes/like 45 other names (aka my mom's side) side of the family which are a crazy bunch of mofos and he allows me to blow up his inbox venting and come over when I am so crazy and depressed and pissed and a whole plethora of emotions and just let me vent or deal or whatev and be there. This is one of the many reasons I love him and put up with this wow addiction...

Yeah so now Malcolm is on so I'm outtie.. night ya'll

Thanksgiving...and my crazy family

So I finally got Andy to come to family stuff.. I'm easing him into my family (unlike he did me but that's another story ;) jk) so anyway I got him to come to my family's thanksgiving and stuff.. It was my dad's side of the family so there was my family of me my mom my dad and my sister- all of which he's met- my grandma greenwell-who he's met- my uncle, one cousin, and my grandma sparkes-which he hasn't met. It was interesting to say the least..

First off within ten minutes of our getting there my dad points at Andy and says "Andy come on"... and Andy does cuz what can you do? THEY THEN GET IN THE CAR AND LEAVE!!!!!!!!!

Let me explain. Andy and I are both night people. Therefore we hang out til like 2 or three in the morning a lot. To my parents, that are both just SO-O trusting of me, this means that he and I are breaking various chastity rules and among other things. (which we are not....in case anyone was wondering) Upon entering my house the first thing I am asked is "what were you doing this late?" and the standard response is "we were just talking" which is true... yeah. I usually have to take a pregnancy test once every other month or so.. you think I'm kidding..now you see a tiny bit of why I was nervous..

Back to the story...where was I? oh yes...ahem.. THEY GET INT HE CAR AND LEAVE!!!!!!!!! It took about .5 seconds for me to FREAK OUT! I have no idea what is going on or if I'll ever see my nerd again.... EVER! They were back in like five minutes but it felt like a long time... like forever and a day then we had dinner where Andy proceeded to rip my sister apart in a hilarious way

then we went to his grandmas house where we talked with his family for like 3 hours.. now I'm watching him play wow on blogging on his laptop so he'll be able to find my blog and read all those posts about him.. and I don't really care because I doubt that he can be near a computer without playing wow.. if it's installed.. so I think I'm safe ;)

Day one

haha I'm sure you are all DYING to know how my first day as a telemarketer/customer service rep went.. lol you're not? I'm telling you anyway

It sounds like everything will be really technical. there are like 30 different programs you have to use simulatiously. But we didn't really get into anything too technical.. mostly just how we can't talk about info we receive from work and stuff.. yeah.. plus I don't get on phones til like the end of December.. so around then if any of you are having problems with your at&t cell service you should not call and yell.. it could be me on the other end.. and I'd really like to get promoted cuz it sounds like the 100 of us that make up the first classes are going to be eligible for the leads and managers and stuff... that would be nice... lol yeah.. lots of PowerPoint's and stuff.

The facility is really nice. There is like a caf where they sell everything from cereal to hot dogs and hamburgers to lighters.. it's really nice. there are 2 video game consoles so you can bring like your x box game and play and they have an on site gym and a "relaxation room" with like a huge beanbag chair and stuff.. it's pretty nice... yeah.. that's about all I know... they did manage to misspell my name on my badge while I spelled it to them.. not even the hard first name.. they misspelled Greenwell... the easy one... my badge now reads Myndi Greenweel.. I need to go get that fixed.. If I can manage to not get fired it'll be a miracle!

Speaking of miracles!)(remember: mental contract....) I GOT ANDY TO AGREE TO LEAVE HIS CAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All I had to do is beg and plead and beg some more... ;) lol no it wasn't that bad... I just asked when I could extract him from his cave(again.. haha hint hint ;) boys and their lack of getting subtle hints) and he said how bout tomorrow... Buhwhat? I was standing in the caff with Mabe-his cousin or Cody-going.. wow.. and Mabe just laughed and then went outside while I ate my delicious burger.(oh yeah.. I work with Andy's cousin Mabe/Cody and his sister in law's sister-technically his sister in law to I guess.. and a few people I went to high school with it'll be nice) yeah.. the end.

and grows..

Again, No speaking to Andy about the contents of this blog and all that other stuff...Yeah I'll talk to him about it if needs be.. and not before.. I don't want him finding out the extent of my hatred via third party. yeah OK remember mental contract.



I'm still not all about the stupid damn game. Kinda in hate with it-it's the opposite of in love. I mean yes I'm glad that he enjoys it and is having fun and whatever. And he did emerge from his cave to go to church with his family today and have dinner with his family and I even got like 4 texts,(one of which is saved in my box for future use. it states that I can get him out of his cave anytime I ask...you bet I'm going to use that one... more than once...lol) but yeah.. he's once again lost in his virtual world of magic and flying lions and robots and rock creatures and the like..grr.. the good news is I told him At eh very latest Tuesday I'm extracing him from the cave to go out in the sun as much as it may burn... and he didn't object... I don't think.. so Tuesday I'll see him.. hopefully... and for sure Friday when we go see twilight! which comes out on Friday! YAY!!!!!

But I'm still not sure how to take this whole getting thrown over for a game. I mean I told Darcy last night I think I could go over there and do a fan dance with a lettuce leaf and there would be no reaction. I've been quite tempted to test this theory..in a lees extreme manner that is.. or just show up at his house and hear all the embarrassing stories his mom has to offer...I'm sure she'd be more than willing to oblige.. they love me because I love their son and put up with all this gaming crap. I'm also not sure I should care. I mean I totally had a life before I met him. I should be able to entertain myself. And yet... it's way dumb.. I know....grrr... stupid hormones

on a totally unrelated topic the broncos won! the key to their winning seems to be me going to church and not watching the games.... I will support my team by not supporting them!!!

and on another completely unrelated note I start work tomorrow... yeah.. so if you have a problem with your at&t service and call to yell at someone.. don't yell at me.. I need to not get fired.. yeah

the end

Boys, Wow, and a Mission...maybe,

OK so this has been bugging me for a while so I'm going to attempt to organize my thoughts via blog.. and if anyone reads this and has advice.. let me know.. I'll take any and all. But this will prolly jump a whole lot and not make much sense.. but here goes:

so Wednesday was my 20th bday.. so I officially have less than a year until I can go on a mission if I want... now I have to figure out if that's what God wants me to do...

I've wanted to go on a mission as far back as I could remember.. even during my uber inactive years and thru all the bad stuff I've done.. but my family wouldn't be all about it.. my dad says he'll support me.. but I don't think he gets it.. especially since he is pretty anti most the time... he'd support me til I got my mission call and I went to like south America or Australia or Germany or something like that.. then he'd be all "there is no way in hell I'm letting you go there!" or if I got called stateside he'd come try and visit me (which btw I'm almost certain isn't allowed.. its 18 months-for girls- to two years for guys of no seeing your family and friends except for letters and such). He also frequently accuses me of thinking I'm better than the family cuz I choose to say go to church instead of stay home and do the chores he thinks I should do... I hate to think what he would accuse me of if I started to prepare to go on a mission... *shudders*

My mom is a different story: she would be all about it until I started doing things like going thru the temple and stuff like that that she can't do.. she just can't.. not right now and there's no way my dad would let her do the things that would make her eligible... no way... then things would get a little weird... also when it came time for me to leave she'd have a meltdown (again 18 months... letters and like 2 phone calls a year I think... that's it)... plus she doesn't really have a good foundation in the church.. neither of them do.. my mom goes for me and Ellie.. but since I moved to the singles branch and Ellie decided she wanted to be an "actress" they don't really go at all anymore.. I mean I don't go all that often either(maybe like twice a month) but it's way more often than say the once in the last 13 weeks they have gone.. my dad on the other hand just claims he's Mormon if asked but has problems with fundamental points.. like listening to the prophet and certain points of repentance and stuff like that.. he also kinda thinks that God should cater to him.. not the other way around.. yeah doesn't work like that sorry

I dunno how Ellie would react. She used to be really religious... then after constantly being ripped apart by my dad and even me sometimes(I feel really bad about that..) she kinda stopped.. also I don't think the whole acting thing helped.. at all. So I dunno.. She'd prolly support me either cuz she knew it was the right thing to do or because she'd get to take over my room/dvd player/ipod/car/not have to fight for the computer or bathroom/etc.. prolly more the latter.. but a lot of the things I do I do for her benefit. to be an example. The fact that I go to sacrament and institute and pitch a fit when anyone tries to stop me from going to these things is for me but also for her. I want to try and balance out the negative example I've been for the last few years.... I'm not always the best at it.. but I try..

My extended family would be mixed. My Grandma Greenwell would be all about it. My Grandma Sparkes would be all about it as well.. I think.. but she's 90.. she'd forget in a few minutes.. my uncle Jim.. the lecher.. he would prolly support my decision but not really like it.. wouldn't talk about it or want to really know anything about it.. I think.. his two sons (my two cousins that I'm closest to) would hate it.. Tyler may never speak to me again.. he hates religion and everything to do with it as far as I can tell... I dunno about Steven... but see the thing is I haven't seen either of them for well over a year so...all in all I would face a lot of ridicule for leaving a job and school and such... I can see it being a big mess

My friends would support it. Darcy and I have talked about it a lot. She's all about my going if that's what I think is best. I'm sure if nothing else I could count on regular letters from her ;) but there'd be more I'm sure
Steph would write me too I'm sure. in fact I bet most of my friends would write me cuz they are all awesome like that: Cami Heidi Charla Tara Lana.. I bet I could get a few letters out of each of them ;) Even Kimi and Prolly Angi and Julie and even Dustin would write if I asked I bet. Dustin told me once when I was venting to him during one of the LONGEST plays EVER that he would support me if I decided to go even if my family didn't and that he thought I would make a good missionary. (he doesn't know it or prolly remember it.. but I still have the text that says that. It meant a lot to me.. still does.. ) Julie and I have discussed it a few times. she's also all about my going. She thinks I would do well too. Actually Lana is all bout my going last time I checked too..

Now for the biggest one.. aside from my family Andy.

I know he would support me. I know he would... despite all the stupid stuff we've done and the religious rut he was in when I met him always spoke about his mission with the highest respect. He know the importance of it. If that's where I thought I needed to be he would support it. No questions asked.
The problem being that I'm scared to go away. I really do love him. Some of the stuff he does bugs the living HELL out of me..(wow being one and the lighthearted way he takes his priesthood sometimes..) but over all I love him.. and I wouldn't want to lose him.. I can't go a day without texting him..I dunno how I could go a year and a half without seeing him... plus the whole losing him thing.. a year and a half is a long time.. out of sight out of mind.. he could up and get married while I was gone.. to which I would say I wish you the best of luck.. and I would truly mean it.. if that's what was best for him then that's what I would want.. even if it's not what I want... but I dunno.. last night while I was sitting there watching him play wow for like 7 hours and talking to Darcy I was kinda venting my frustrations to her(cuz she'll listen.. and I value her input) I kinda was just wondering.. what happens if things get more involved with us? I mean you claim you're not addicted to wow.. and I can get you to leave every once in while... and for big stuff.. but you're almost constantly on it... I can handle one or two nights a week.. but like 40 hours or more a week? I'm not all about that... what happens if we were to get married? Could i get him to cut back? Or later on If there were kids? could he handle not regularly playing or would we have to make a spot in our lives for wow? these are the things that I think about.. I also sometimes curse the guy that showed him wow... I mean i get that he enjoys video games and all and that's fine.. but all things in moderation.. getting up at 2 on a Saturday logging into wow, staying on til I come over at 5.. staying on til about 830 when you get hungry, going to Carl's Jr, then coming back and staying on til 1130 when I say OK I'm going to bounce then spending 2 hours in the freezing cold talking(which is what I live for.. I love our talks) then going in and playing for prolly another hour or more then going back to sleep.. that's.. a little excessive... I dunno.. I couldn't do it... the whole damn day would feel wasted... and then playing all night Sunday from like noon til like midnight.. then all night Monday Tuesday and Wednesday some Thursday and Friday from like 330 til midnight... kinda feels.. really excessive..almost to an addictive state.. I don't think that I ever was jonesin that hard even in the worst part of my life.. I'm all about this new swing shift he starts tomorrow.. except I feel that he'll be playing all morning.. I dunno.. again.. this would be an issue that would come up if things were getting really serious (IE he proposed) or if I ever get feeling especially pissy... but the point of that rant was that maybe we both need some time to.. I dunno.. prioritize? figure things out? find myself? I'm not that ready for marriage(although who among us is..) I don't think.. now if it was right and God approved.. I don't argue with God anymore. I would trust that I was ready and go for it... but yeah.. as much as I would love to never leave him at his doorstep ever again.. I dunno anyone who can decipher what feeling that is besides conflicted please let me know.. I love everything about him and when he's away from wow...He's such an amazingly deep person and he's so smart and awesome to talk to... away from the computer... ( iusually don't have a problem with it.. I really don't.. I dunno why yesterday bugged me so much... maybe i'm just feeling kinda.. hormonal.. right now.. and if he does read this I hope he won't get pissed..)

I also kinda wonder if that's the reason I'm having such a hard time getting a government job.. I mean I shouldn't have this hard of a time... I have a year of experience.. I know what a 941 looks like and what it's used for and where it goes..all that fun stuff that none of you out there know what I'm talking about.. I have a year of experience.. why would people be getting hired ahead of me?.. It makes no sense... but I think if I get one I will be too reluctant to leave it if it turns out I'm aposta go on a mission.. or maybe the government just hates me.. I dunno

but anyway yeah.. that's kinda my thought pattern right now.. I've kinda decided that I'm going to plan on going on a mission in a year and then if that's not what is aposta happen then something will happen and I will know that that's not where I'm needed... I can't really see a bad to preparing to go on a mission.. I'll be bettering myself and straightening my testimony and learning and stuff.. I'm not telling my family anything about this..yet.. they'll just put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me and stuff. Once I get a fer sure kinda thing I'll clue them in (prolly when I put my mission papers in) Darcy knows my plan thus far and I'm sure Andy will find out sooner or later.. cuz I'd like his input...and he can tell when somethings up..and cuz I love him and despite that long rant about his playing I know that he really does care about me.. and that he really is an amazing guy and that I am lucky to have him.. and because I can't keep anything from that kid..and anyone who reads this.. but that's about it..

What was that?! oh right... consicence

So last night was Halloween and instead of staying home and handing out candy to the three trick or treaters we get and being lame I went to a party with Andy. it was an interesting night;



Anywho we went over there about 7 pm and there was just me and Andy and Wes(the guy what owns the trailer we were at) and it was all cool.. we were just watching resident evil and and eating and talking and stuff and it was pretty chill. Then Wes went and got his wife ,now I guess, Mel who had been playing warcraft in the other room(yes... world of warcraft... I know...) and she came out.. and I could immediately tell she'd been drinking... quite a bit.. but that's cool.. she was being the funny drunk and it was fun.. the she brought out the hookah... which I kinda knew would happen which was one reason I was so reluctant to go to this party.. but whatev... so yeah earlier this week Andy and I had kinda had a talk about my.. inhibitions.. to go to this party.. he had promised me he wouldn't drink or get stoned.. but that if the hookah was brought out he'd prolly do that.. and I kinda agreed to this... not out of my being OK with it but out of my not wanting to cause a fight or argument... it's his life.. so yeah I was kinda hoping it wouldn't get brought out.. but it did and so they started up on that and drinking and then the pot came out for a second but with trick or treaters hitting up the door every few minutes that didn't last too long... but yeah nothing else that cool happened.. we played apples to apples and got Mel's ferret drunk.. which was funny as hell!! and watched ghostship but yeah that was pretty much it



anywho fast forward to when we left... we got in his car and left and were driving back to his house so I could pick up my car and get home before my parents shitted themselves with worry.. (they were all asleep when I came in at 330 anyway.. stupid family) and yeah the whole way back to his house and even while we were at his house the conversation was strained and aloof.. much like it was when we first met.. even when talking about things like religion and stuff that shoulda been easy for us to talk about at this point.. we do it quite frequently.. it was just uncomfortable.. and the safe feeling I get when I'm with him usually was there.. but very dim and hard to feel... I didn't like it... anywho so I went to leave and I gave him a quick hug and then he leaned in to kiss me and I stopped him and said " you've been smoking" and he looked at me and said "you didn't tell me this is what would happen." and I said "you're right. I didn't" and he said something like "that's OK I can deal with it" and I said "no you can't" "you're right I can't" and he kinda looked sad (which hurt so much.. I hate when he isn't happy it hurts me.. stupid cliched I know.. but I almost gave in then but I didn't) and I said went to get into my car and he kinda called back over his shoulder "love you" and I couldn't really say anything back cuz I was.. really conflicted and prolly woulda started crying..so I just left... and then I texted him as I was leaving(cuz I didn't want him thinking I was mad or anything I dunno.. I can't explain about half the stuff I do...just go with it) and I said something like 'you should not smoke anymore cuz truth be told I can't deal with it either.. but since actually gaining a strong testimony of the church and the priesthood things have changed.. I still love you tho and this is in no way a reflection on that' and he texted me back something like 'I know. Its not a good thing to do. I'm not totally sure why I do stupid things like that but after having not smoked for a while then being around it the weed bothered me quite a bit. the hookah was kinda off too. I don't feel as attracted to it as I once was' which also hurt me.. cuz yeah I dunno.. it just does..it kinda feels like he's beating himself up.. and I don't like that... so I attempted to explain myself via text (at 330 am.. yeah I dunno how well it worked) something like 'yeah this one is totally me. there are some things in the religion I left slide.. but anything having to do with the wow(in this blog used as word of wisdom.. Mormon doctrine for anyone who doesn't know...no drinking no smoking no drug use basically not world of warcraft like in most my blogs) I can't.. for myself... I don't mind being around it and I'd never take away anyone else's agency but.. yeah my thought train just derailed' and he sent back one that said something like 'Lol I know what you're gettin at. Even when I was smoking today I could tell you weren't happy and that's not good. I know you won't try to stop me but that doesn't mean I can do it if it's not right. I should know better. I'm sorry if I upset you tonight' and then I kinda went 'it's OK.. I'm sure I do things that bug you too. the important thing is that we can talk about it and get over it" and then I think both of us crashed... cuz I haven't heard from him since.. but I'm sure tonight or whenev I see him again we'll have to have this discussion.

now for my commentary: Tuesday when he had told me about this party he said your parents won't care will they? and I said about the party? nah.. I just can't stumble in smelling of weed and alcohol and he said OK I'll try not to get any on you... and I don't care that he jokes about it.. I do it too.. I'm not some stick up her ass Mormon that can't handle that.. it's part of my history and yeah.. but something about the way he said it made me think he wasn't all the way kidding... so then I went to institute and we had a lesson on the new testament story about the rich young man that was told that he needed to sell all his worldly possessions and follow Christ and how it pertained to us in the here and now. the comment was made by one of the girls in my class that an apostle once said (I can't remember which one or when.. or the quote exactly) "that at some point in each of our lives we will be asked to offer up what is most important to us... the Lord does this to test your patience faith and trust" something like that.. and I was sitting there going 'if I push the wow thing too much he could get pissed and I dunno how much more shit I can take right now.. he's the only thing keeping me sane.. but obviously I can compromise my own standing and values...' and then the same girl said something else like" we shouldn't approach the Lord in fear of what we're going to lose.. because whatever it may be there will be something 10 times better waiting" and then I was sitting there thinking "OK.. well if Andy's not right for me.. then there is someone else out there that is obviously more right for me than him (as hard as that is to believe)." so I texted him and I'm sure he knew something was up cuz he's really perceptive like that and asked him to read a scripture and stuff fulling intending to tell him my inhibitions and stuff and then we went to see nightmare before Christmas in 3D yeah awesome and I kinda decided at some point that I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and not accuse him of things that hadn't happened yet.. so I kinda just skirted around it and yeah.. so I'm wondering what the point in this is basically.. is this God testing me Patience and faith and whatev? or is it more of a this is what you believe and you need to know it for yourself with assuredty? or perhaps I'm just being too emotional about it cuz it's near '(on the)rag time' and because of Scotty od'ing and my whole struggles with alcohol and drugs and because I've never felt this close to anyone in my whole life..... I dunno.. unanswerable questions

venting my worries.. again..

so Friday is Halloween.. Andy and I got invited to his friends house for a party.. which is cool.. except these people are Partiers! I know they'll have alcohol and weed and prolly various other things that violate the word of wisdom there. Again which is fine.. I can't condemn anyone else's choice to have that around or use it... that would be hypocritical. but I'm also really worried... I dunno if I'm strong enough to resist..especially if Andy doesn't.. and it kinda doesn't sound like he is planning on it. I'm not going to stop him from making that choice. he's a big boy... but I really wish he wouldn't do it.. or treat it like it's no big deal.. I really do love him.. but this him.. I really don't ever wanna see him like he was when I first met him... I don't like inebriated Andy... I just don't.. I dunno.. this is me worrying about things that aren't really in my control...and rambling cuz I need to ramble...

sexdrive and the L word(mild cursing)

yeah so more confusion.. lol so I'm using this blog as my own personal vent/worry space. deal with it you three people that might actually read it ;)

K so last night was a very interesting night...well day in general...in the morning I went and helped Andy's brother and sister-in-law move. which was fun.. I got to prove that I'm not totally useless every once in a while ;) and I pretty much love his brother and sister-in-law and their two kids.. they are so friendly and awesome. Amanda is so much fun.. she helps me not to feel so out of place a lot, mostly cuz I think she knows what I'm going thru. I mean I love his parents and they've always been really awesome but I know that they are sizing me up to see if I am good enough for their son and all that fun stuff.. the same(in a lesser manner) from his brother and sisters.. I know it's normal and it totally happens tenfold and my house but yeah I've just never been good with that... but yeah. So anyway yeah so I helped them move in the morning until I had to go home and change for my grandma's 90th birthday open house.. so Andy took me back to my car and we were standing there talking and I said "OK I really have to go as much as I don't want to" and he said "and as much as I don't want you to" and I kinda stopped and went "what? did your shut up filter just shut off like mine is prone to doing" and he said "nope. go have fun" or something like that so I left and went to my grandma's thing(where he was the main attraction from anyone what talked to me... 'where's your guy?' 'where's this Andy we've heard so much about?' etc. none of my relativies actually cared about my life..mind you they all just wanted to see him.. which I find hilarious) and then afterword I called him and said "If I promise to get you home by 9 can I coax you out of your cave?" and he said "sure" and then we talked on the phone (which if I haven't mentioned he HATES!!!!) til I got to his house like 45 minutes later then we went to the junction and ate at Costa Vida and then went to see sexdrive(hilarious! btw!!) and there's this line in the movie where the main character says something like "you love me" to the main female lead (cuz he loves her and she loves him but neither will admit it) and stuff and one of the whole main themes of the movie is the main female lead won't tell the main male lead that she loves him cuz they are best friends and she doesn't want to ruin that and some lady in jail tells her to not be afraid of what could happen anyway so yeah so we were talking about the movie on the drive back and trying to figure out all the messages and stuff like we do and we got to that one about not thinking about what could happen and Andy goes "damn that stupid movie! I don't like that message" and i kinda go.."um....k?" and then we move on like we do well then we're standing outside his house and I'm about to leave and we were talking about the movie again and I said something like "so what was that line you were going to use from the movie?" and he said "I thought you knew." and I said "well I think I do but you tell me.. come on" and he said "nope" so anyway I left and then I texted him after I left and said 'so what was the line?' and he said 'what do you think it was and I'll tell you if you're right.' and I said 'no way in hell cuz if I'm wrong it'll sound totally stupid' then I reconsidered and sent him one saying 'well I'm trusting the fact that I haven't scared you off thus far and the fact that my shut up filter is long since shut off(it was like 2 am at this point).. it was the you love me line" and he texted back and said 'you're right.. lol it's funny cuz it's true' and I went "what's true? you love me?' and he said' well I think from everything I've heard it goes both ways.. but yeah...' and I was lying in bed going "YESYESYES!!!!!!" and I texted back and said "I think you're right ;) I could kinda tell on tuesday'(see previous blog about Tuesday) and he said 'yeah. that and a few others helped lol. But I've thought about saying that for a while now. a few weeks or so.' and I kinda went "actually me too... but yeah it may take a while to get that actual phrase out there in reality" and yeah that's pretty much it.

Now I'm kinda just worried that I'll fuck this up.. like i am prone to doing... whenever things have gotten half this serious in the past I start acting like and ass and push them away... but yeah.. so that's pretty much it.. I'm sure there will be tonz o more posts on this... but that's enough for now

Things are changing again

So I just got a job. I'm now officially a customer service rep for at&t thru teleperformance. ugh. I dunno how I feel about that.. my friend becca loved it there. LOVED IT. But I got a few weeks til I can start (the 17th) then I have 8 weeks of training and with any luck the IRS will have come thru by then so I don't ever have to get on the phones but we'll see what happens.. they sounded really willing to work with my school schedule so that'll keep me pretty close to on the same schedule as Andy which is good.. we'll see

Speaking of Andy... I sure hope he hasn't found out about this/ reads it....I think I freaking love him. Yesterday was by far one of the worst days in a long time (I realize I keep saying that.. but they keep getting worse beyond all odds). I went form so happy and elated that I got a 97% on my English test I had a job interview for today and I was going to take Andy to institute and then we were going to go see sexdrive or something.. it was a great day.. and then I got home. and the shit hit the fan. my dad was home and started in on emailing the IRS and it pissed me off cuz he won't let up about it and it's just annoying and I had had a particularly frustrating day in keyboarding and I was just on edge and yeah so I got all pissed and my dad then started in on how negative I was being and then he left and then my mom called and I exploded on her and then my dad found out and he came home and took my car keys(which he has no legal right to do.. but that's another story) and yelled at me about exploding on other people(again he has no right or room to talk.. he does it too all of us all the time) and called and cancelled my car insurance right then and there and basically told me I was the biggest burden and cause of most of the problems this family has had in the last 5 years and then left. so I went from a good manic(or elated) stage to a depressive stage in less than 3 hours.. that is one hell of a crash I'll tell you.. and I went down. I texted Cami and told her I wasn't going to make it to institute( and I hope she's not pissed at me.. tho she should be prolly) and then I texted Andy and told him kinda what had happened... well mostly that I wasn't going to be able to go out that night and prolly for a while afterword. and then I was just sitting in my room feeling like shit and a complete ass and a burden and sorry for myself mostly and He called and just basically said he was worried about me and was just checking up on me and i was crying and trying to not cry in front of him (cuz I hate crying in front of anyone) and whatev and I guess he could sense that I didn't want to or wasn't able to talk about it right then so he just started rambling about his day trying to get me to laugh or smile or take my mind off it or something and then I was starting to feel a little better and then my dad came home and started yell to try and find me so I totally hung up on him and went right back to feeling like shit.. again. and my dad opened my door to my room and said "I know this whole situation is hard on you and I'm not going to make it harder" and handed me back my keys and walked away. I'm now in a state of shock and disbelief and relief and a few other emotions that don't have names so I just stood there and then I picked up my phone and called Andy and he answered on like the first ring and said "what happened are you OK?" in a really concerned manner and I just kinda went " i dunno.. my dad gave me back my keys" and kinda told him what happened in a very vague overview and then I kinda went silent and then he kinda went oh.. and started in on his day and stuff again (again trying to get my mind off of it) and just kept talking to me for at least a half hour if not more(he hates talking on the phone if I didn't mention that.. HATES IT) and then my dad came and found me again and said "will you come to dinner with us?" and I nodded and he said "is that Andy?" and I nodded again(I'm on the phone and really close to tears.. I wasn't being an ass) and he said "well see if he would like to come with us" and so I invited him and despite the fact he had this root canal today and he was exhausted from work he came down and me and him followed my family and Ellie's friend that came with us down to dinner and Andy sat there and dealt with all the weird stuff Ellie and her friend were doing and my dad's attempt at making conversation (with which I was pleasantly surprised) and then as we were driving to the megaplex (he said you wanna go see a movie or something? I think you could use some time away from everything tonight. and I check with my family then we went) he just looked at me and said "I want you to really listen to the words of this song" then he played the last night by skillet(look it up it's a good song and they are a christian rock band so nothing should offend) and by the end I was almost crying(hell i was crying.. but silently) and he just kinda looked at me and then we went to the movie and I pretty much just clinged(clanged? I dunno how to put that in this tense..) to him the whole time and I was super fidgety and stuff and he just let me and then we got back to my house and we just stood outside talking then he kissed me and said something like "You have to be careful OK? I'm here anytime you need me.. it'll only take me 10 minutes to get there" and kinda smiled and I said "thank you. the same" or something lame like that cuz I was totally crying again and yeah that's how this story ends.. but yeah the end

Confusion :S(contains mild cursing....sorry)

So I'm really confused so I'm going to blog and hope to get some semblance of understanding.. or at least organization of said confusing thoughts and feelings:

K haha so I'll start with the good: Andy got a gs4 perm job-which is very good. He'll be making more money and stuff so he can move out and what not. The bad(I think) is it's a swing job.. meaning from like 4-1230 at night I think.. so I'm not going to get to see as much of him as I'd like.. but I did manage to see him while he was working graves and I was working days so it can be done. I wonder if this was a little for me too... I've kinda been waiting around hoping to get my old files job back cuz I didn't want to give up my nights to working and days to school. But I made the decision that I am sick of waiting around for something that may or may not happen and I want to get back out there and get a job(I hate Hate HATE!!! not having income.. I have a car payment along with various other bills i.e. school insurance and gas for said car and I'm trying to move out by this time next year so it would be nice to be able to start putting back into that fund instead of taking out) and then this happened so I think that's kinda the go ahead.. i know I can get a swing type job whenev I want.. I'm not all about going back to food but nights aren't that bad and I know how to do it and deal with school at the same time I did it all thru high school and with only 2 or 3 hours of school a day I'd be ok.. but that's a last resort so unless something magical in jobland happens in the next 7 hours or so til I go to bed that's going to be a big part of tomorrow. yeah. it sucks.

ok number two: speaking of Andy! BAH!!!! Why are boys so hard to read?! I have no idea what he is thinking or wants half the time... then again I don't really know what I want most the time either... But yeah I don't even know what to think about the whole Andy situation. I always want to be around him, when my life went to shit a few weeks ago he was the first person I told and some of the only times I could think and breath and not just sit in my room freaking out and unable to function was when I was with him. I always feel so safe when I'm with him, like nothing could ever hurt me, and I hate leaving him at his doorstep (or him leaving me at mine). Last night despite the fact that was freaking cold as hell and way too late for either of us to be up cuz we both had to get up semi early I couldn't help but want to just stay with him( I nearly fell asleep on his shoulder is how this story ended.. he told me I had to go inside and go to sleep or else), I used to be able to go to movies and plays and stuff with Krogman and Zane or by myself and now it just feels weird without him there, I used to not live to hear my phone vibrate hoping i could go over there.. hell even doing homework is more fun and easier to do when I'm with him (well maybe not easier to do but when I do do it I retain more info it's so weird) Knowing him has given me and eternal perspective that 20 years of church couldn't do and that has helped me in so many ways, he's also given me an undying testimony of the priesthood and the knowledge that I both want and need that in my life for the duration there of. I can talk to him about anything and everything under the sun. Last night we went from talking about the movie we had just seen to work to religion to sex to the future to family issues to music to teasing about embarrassing past things to wow to our party days to his mission to my less than wholesome thoughts involving us to south park and back again! I would trust him with my life and then some. I can't even imagine not having him in my life nor can I remember how to have a life without him being a part of it. This scares me. First off because I am too damn young to be feeling like this and making such big decisions such as what I want to do for the rest of my life to pay the bills and if the opportunity arises who I want to be with for the rest of.. forever! I've lived with my family-who I love- for 20 years and I'm about ready to kill all of them on a daily basis! Forever is such a long time! This also scares me for another reason. He has the power to hurt me in a way that no one else does.. or ever has had to my knowledge. that doesn't mean that he will and I am not saying I don't trust him. but that is fact. I have held up pretty ok emotionally thus far despite everything that has gone on but I blame that solely on his allowing me to come hang with him.. like all the time. I dunno it's just big and scary... it almost makes me miss some of my old high school boy problems.. not really but almost.

and finally(well not really but the final big one) school: I'm so not sure if accounting is going to be what I think it will and even if it's what I want.. I mean the classes(aside from keyboarding) have all been relatively easy and unless I get divine intervention I am finishing out this accounting program if nothing else but I don't know if I want to do this for the next 40 years or so... I don't know if I want to do anything for the next 40 or so years hell the way I get bored with things I don't know that there's anything that could interest me for more than 5 or 6 years... I dunno

yeah so that's all... stupid life.. I'm going to go contemplate things whilst watching the Simpsons

The best and worst Saturday... like Ever ;)

So I posted this blog on my myspace but forgot to set it to private so Andy got ahold of it... so I figured for the rest of the world that doesn't have myspace I'd repost it here... it's just epic enough to merit two blogs ;) lol But I'll prolly edit it and make it easier to understand... so here goes:

Hahaha so I totally don't even know if I'll leave this one public or not but I totally got to get it out....HE FINALLY KISSED ME LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*does happy dance* ok haha I feel better.. as horribly cheesy as it was it was perfect....kinda..... lol we need practice... but I'm sure that won't be much of a problem to convince him of ;)
K so here's what happened:
Me Andy and his Cousin Mabe(aka Cody) went to Quarantine last night and for any of you that don't know i don't handle scary movies. at all. It's slightly better when I'm with him but I still was nearly on his lap at the end (and I'm sure his shoulder was numb from my death grip on it.) Then we went to burger king and we were talking and me and Mabe are freaking out at like every little sound coming from the kitchen and all the cops going by and Andy is laughing at the fact that I'm still shaking from the movie. So we finally leave there around like 1030 and Andy and Mabe drive me back to my car (we met at the mall) and Mabe steps outside "for a smoke" and me and Andy sit in the car talking for like 20 minutes until Mabe gets too cold and knocks on the window so we let him back in cuz it's snowing and really cold and this kid has no body fat whatsoever ;) anywho so the three of us start talking for a minute then I say "ok, I'd really better get going" so me and Andy get out of the car and go over by my car and start talking about Mabe and my horrible day and just stuff in general then we hug and I said something like "I think I need to lose my bet to David tonight(I bet one of my Friends that Andy would take all the hints I've been giving him before I got sick of it and kissed him) " and Andy goes "why? why is this such a necessity?" and I said "I'll tell you when you're older"(He hates when I use that cuz he's 24 and I'm 19) and he goes "ugh" and then we're both staring at each other and I go "this isn't happening one of us needs to grow some guts" and he goes "I can see it in your eyes... you want to " and I said " I know... but I can't read yours" and he said "That's a good thing" then he totally initiated it! I was so proud of him!!! And then we pull away and talk a little bit more then we leave and me and him are texting for a little while and I said "well that helps with the scared" and he said "yeah I would think so" and I said "told you my wow shirt was lucky" and he said " I didn't even notice you had it on" and I said "that's cuz I was very cold so I kept my jacket zipped all night" and he said "I did notice that.. but funny you didn't look cold ;)" AHHH!!!!!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!! it confirmed a lot of things I've been wondering about and shit.... and now I'm just rambling and need to get to church... haha so peace out

so yeah.. that's basically what happened... lol that blog was written the day after It happened and yeah.. I decided except for the typos to leave it alone cuz... I'm pretty lazy haha short answer.