The (abridged) life of a swing shift zombie

So I've been nelecting my blog for quite some time. Since very few people read it (that I know about) I don't feel too bad except that I like keeping it up as a sort of journal. I will justy give a breif overveiw of what has been going on:

1. I got a new job at work. I move from a clerk to a Tax Examiner. (yay) I love it I have my own cubicle (or condo as they are affectionatly called in my building) It's awesome. there a few problems Like the two people trying to rip our unit apart but over all I love it. My manager isn't a complete power hungry moron. She's actually quite good. And I moved from a gs 4 to a gs 5. For those of you not familliar with government pay scales that basically amounts to 120 buck more a paycheck after taxes. And I went from seasonal to perm. Meaning I won't have to worry about furlough. I'm still on swings but I'm learning a lot of specialized things that may help me move to days eventually.
2. The broncos are 8-5. They are the first place wild card in the afc right now. (WOOO!) We have only the cheifs the raiders and the eagles to go before the end of the season. and if we win all those games then we should stay asa the first place wild card to go and at least make it to the playoffs (something that hasn't been done since '98 with Elway I believe) I'm super excited. Oakland and Kc although they are division games (which are notoriously hard)0souldn't present much of a problem. Those teams have been struggling for the last few years and they are both home games. and philly is up and down. So we'll see what happens. Cross your fingers for me.
3. I got my laptop. It took almost 3 weeks and a lot of call ing a screaming and they didn't even get the whole order right (thankd tigerdirect.com for the shittiest service I've ever recieved) but it's here and awesome. I wish I woulda bought one earlier.

On anouther note: My winter insomnia combined with swing shift is making life Hell on earth. I hate not being able to sleep til 6 or 7 am and then having to get up at 1230pm for work. woo. So there may be many updates to this blog bassed on the afore mentioned insomnia and the new laptop that needs some loving. that is all.

First day of Fediness

Yesterday was my first day of IRS. And although I managed to piss off a lead almost immediately(I seem to have that effect on people) it was pretty good.



First thing we did was get badges so we could get in everyday. Already this place was so much more organized that IAP(aka the files) I had to wait almost a month to get one there. so basically everyday they lost 20 minutes of their time and mine cuz I'd have to wait for a manager to sign me in and out. Grr. There was a big line and you signed like 93 papers and then boom. badge.



Then they put us in this training room. There were like 12 people too many so we had to o to the break room and get chairs. By this time I had found my friends shantel and daniel so we all sat in the back corner(the trouble corner as my friend daniel so eloquently named it. but we'll get to that later)



Then the training. there is a thousand page manual on how to take mail out of an envelope correctly. and the envelope is already cut open. I'm very serious. My friends and I were making fun of the training and kept laughing.. and trying to stifle said laughs. Thus the reason we took on the moniker the trouble corner.

then we went home after 8 hours. basically it's a monkey job. But I'm ok with that. $15 an hour almost great benefits. not to hard. Dream come true. and it's at night so no need to get up way stinkin early or stay up way to stinking late

it's been a while.

haha so this is a catch up post cuz I haven't posted for a while.

Holidays were great. I got to spend most all of them with my favorite guy in the whole world. It was awesome. Christmas eve I had to work. I came home and my family had gotten Andy's number out of my phone number out of my phone and invited him over. so I came home and he was there. which was awesome. kinda. I kinda worry about him being around my family when I'm not there. but I trust him... so yeah.

Then Christmas morning I got up at 3 am to make my parents gift.. well put it together.. and then I did the secret Santa thing I'd been working on for a few months. Then I slept again for like 3 hours. when I was woken up again to do the whole Christmas morning thing.

OK. Let me explain. My family has the worst luck around the holidays. something major always ALWAYS craps out and we end up having to buy a new.. whatever it is. Transmissions, fridges, stove, dryer something like that always goes out about the end of nov early dec. this year it was the washer. so my parents had to buy a new washer. My mom was basically setting us up for only getting pants for Christmas. In a nut shell. anywho so me and Ellie decided to work more and such and kinda play Santa this year. my parents had no idea. so I moved everything out about 3 am when I was setting up the fire pit we got for my parents. My mom and dad were pretty much like. wow. (OK they both started crying. which I hate. but it was a good cry) so it was pretty cool to be able to do that for my family.

Then I got to go hang with Andy and his family. who I also love. They are so awesome! I love his house. I'm actually there now. Even when it is chaotic it's got a nice calm feeling to it. It's nice. for whatever reason-respect, trust, priesthood, or something else- I love the feeling and spirit around Andy's house. His brother is like so awesome! I love Jim and Amanda(older brother and sister in law) and their two kids are so cute! Lexi-his niece- is like 7 months old and she spend like an hour just opening one present. it was adorable! I love kids! his 2 year old nephew is also adorable! I love Clayton! He knows my name and likes to come talk to me til I poke him in the belly then he runs away laughing. and I love his older sister Erin. She is awesome. actually aside from him and his parents I believe she was the first person I met from his family. It was on the way to his little sister Kaycee's birthday party and she had pulled up just as I'd pulled up and she was so friendly. Despite the fact she had no fucking idea who I was. I even like Paul-her boyfriend she's marrying pretty soon cuz I can't spell the other word- who seems to be kinda... different. He's just kinda aloof. kinda like me. I think it's cuz he's not a member. of the church or the family quite yet. But he's cool. a little odd. but he's always been nice when I've seen. Kaycee is.. and 8 year old. but she is so funny. I like her. she's not sure about me I don't think... but she's still cool. I love his dad as well. Jim is a big teddy bear-which he is. I kinda imagine emmett off of twilight to be like him- his dad is too. He is so awesome. I think Andy has kinda explained the situation at my house to him a little. but he is always trying to teach me about the church without teaching me about the church. He's also a big gamer like Andy-but not quite as big a one as he is- and so he is always including me in their games. even tho I suck with a Capitol S. lol His mom is pretty awesome too. They are all so awesome! I still kinda feel a little out of place but I'm just like that for the most part. But I got to hang with them. The bad part was trying to drive home later.... but even that was kinda fun. Exhilarating even. lol but you know me. always the thrill seeker.

Then I had to work again New years eve-I hate being the new guy. getting all the shit shifts- but then when I got off everyone was at parties and such so Andy came over and I made eatable food and we watched meet the Spartans and prom night. it was really nice. ;) and I actually got a sober new years kiss from someone I care about. unlike the last few years. so that was good. and it was nice to be able to sit at my house. where I'm pretty comfortable. With the person I am most comfortable with and no one else to bother us. I can't wait til I move out and I can do that more often. I mean even now we are just chillin in his room doing our own thing and it's kinda nice. but his fam is still here. It's not like we're doing anything we shouldn't be and it's not like I don't love them.(as does he I'm sure) but it's just nice to get away you know? does any of that make sense? I Dunno. it does to me.. kinda

but yeah. since then I've pretty much just worked. Friday was Andy's birthday and so he had the day off. we went to Iggy's for dinner after I got off work and then went to see the unborn.

Iggy's was funny. It was good food but the service sucked. I mean really really sucked. There was a table near us that the people left about 830. and it was still unbused when we left at 945! I mean it wasn't like they were so busy they couldn't do it. They were just lazy. and a Knife was dropped on the floor near us.. like a steak knife... and 3 people kicked it out of the way instead of picking it up! who does that? lol

Then we went to see the unborn. SCARY AS FUCK! just a warning. I am a chicken. but this movie was scary. Poor Andy prolly still has no feeling in his arm. It's full of Jewish lore and old WWII stuff. but I don't deal with movies about debouks-evil spirits- and possession and such well. and this wasn't your normal blood and guts movie either. it was scary in the fact that it was actually creepy. We then went to wal marts and messed around and talked and stuff til like 4. then I went home and stayed up til like 6 when I could finally see stuff and get to sleep. I slept until about 10 when my parents woke me to see if I wanted to go to the movie and breakfast with them. again. my answer is always no. I then showered, changed, and went up to see Ellie at work. We went to lunch then I went home. played on facebook and addictinggames.com again and then I went to dinner with Andy's while family at Texas roadhouse. Andy's birthday is the 9th. His dad's is the 10th. they usually celebrate together I guess. which is what that was. I guess. Then we went to his brothers and played trivial pursuit. Then he and I sat in his car making shadow puppets and just being idiotic. It was really fun. I love being able to just be stupid with him. It's so nice.

now I'm sitting here watching him play wow and blogging. and listening to him on vent. which is a voice.. thingy. they use on wow. so I can listen and talk with him and his nerd friends-who prolly think I'm a bitch. and I'm ok with that- and blogging. lol that's pretty much it

first day of live calls(and possibly last)

so in case anyone wonders or cares today was my first day of live calls. Let me tell you. God has a sense of humor. I wanted a chance to prove myself and he delivered by handing me all the angriest horribliest hardest calls he could find.

First off I was the first one on the headsets out of my class no one else could log in. So I was the first one to take calls. and of course first call I get is a troubleshooting call with an angry customer. Oh joy. Everyone watched as I flubbed and floundered and got hung up on after 25 minutes. Great first call. not! The next 2 calls were also troubleshooting with semi angry calls as well. actually to save time I'm just going to list all the calls I got:

• 6 troubleshooting
• 2 cancellations
• one lady that I argued with for 20 minutes about protocol, it ended when she called me a few derogatory names for "Mexican" and my manager-who was basically camped out next to me all day cuz I was having such a hard time- got on the line and told the customer that she could not treat me like that
• 3 other people who were... irate... about my inability to give them classified info.
• and 3 nice people who were very patient and understood that I was doing the best I could

and I also managed to hang up on one customer while trying to transfer her to tech support-but luckily she was one of the really nice ones. Actually all I did all day was transfer people. I felt like a switchboard operator. I can't do a damn thing in the billing system or anything but I can sure as hell transfer calls! I am the call transferring Guru. All I can say is that 8 hours is so worth an IRS job and I'd better get one. But again karma is out to get me and God has a sense of humor. I'll prolly get an IRS job as an inbound call rep. At which point I just pull out a shotgun and kill myself. if anyone hears of another, not phone related, job opening you should let me know. yeah that's pretty much it. I'm just venting. The one good thing is that there is no way tomorrow can be any worse than today was. and yet I say that and Karma will go ahhaha just to prove that's not true here's an even worse day. BOO!!!!!!!!!!

insomiatic.. is that a real word?

I can't sleep. again. So my solution again? blogging. lol I never thought I would like blogging as much as I do. Thanks Annie!

So I hit the floor Monday. This means that I will be out job hunting again on Tuesday. lol but no all things considered I'm still really nervous. I can't remember how to even do the simplest of things. So here's hoping I get an IRS job between now and then(it won't happen) or that I make it thru monday without freaking out or dying or getting fired

I get to go down to SLC with my favorite guy tomorrow... I think. I'm much excited. I also get to try and get my mom out of the house so I can put together my parents Christmas gift. I'll blog about what it is after Christmas to preserve the secret ;)

Speaking of Christmas, it'll be interesting this year. I am apparently going over to Andy's and spending a good chunk of the day with his family. They have like totally adopted me. Which makes things easier, except that you know I haven't told my family yet that I will be gone a chunk of the day. It's not like we do anything, get up open presents, then watch 8 hours of a Christmas story or go visit relatives that I don't even think are related to me they are so distantly related. But still... I dunno. It'll be an interesting day.

Yeah. I'm kinda hopped up on dew and pixy stix so this blog is random and short. But I'm going to go roll around in the snow and then hopefully get to sleep. yeah the end

insomnia

No matter how tired I am in class when I get home I am horribly awake so I stay that way til about 130. The good news? Malcolm in the middle plays on CW30 at 1 am. the bad news? at 7 when my alarm goes off. I'm freakin tired and grumpy. So i am going to blog about everything til either A) I get tired or B) Malcolm comes on

First: work.

It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I mean Granted I'm still in training and I haven't had that pissed off guy that threatens my life cuz I won't give him 5 free iphones but when they told me there were like 29 different computer programs that you use like every day I got a little nervous but so far I am retaining the info pretty well and able to use about 5 systems. and my years at Wendy's have taught me how to up sell so as long as I can keep my temper in check(I'm taking bets on this... I have everything form 5 minutes after I get a call to never getting fired if you would like to place one.. you have til the 21st on midnight)I think I'll do OK.

Speaking of keeping my temper in check. I'm learning about that this week. The girl I sit next to in class for this week is the most negative person I I have ever met! Emo/goth kids are more positive than this lady She complains about everything and acts like we should all care that her boyfriend is in jail leaving her to fend for herself and her two kids. She sits in class doing her make up and texting and drawing and then will wait til it's free time to independently work on what we've just discussed then she will bug me until I show her. This is how it usually goes:

Instructor: Ok class. You have ten minutes to work on adding a group feature and an individual feature

Girl who shall not be names (GWSNBN): *grabs my arm* wait what? I'm so lost and stupid. I'm just so tired cuz my boyfriend's in jail and my kid is sick and blah blah blah

Me:*mutters under breath* maybe if you payed attention...

G: What?

M: nothing.. get into the billing system...

G: what? csp? is it this *clicks on calculator*

M: *mutters* oh my.. *to other girl next to me* Hey Kristy since you've worked here before can you show [GWSNBN] how to do this so I can learn this too *whispers* and cuz you are more patient than I am

K: sure *moves over*

then this girl talks during the whole thing. asking questions that either a) have already been asked.. twice. b) have nothing to do with what we are discussing (IE we are discussing the billing system GWSNBN will ask about text messaging plans) or c) are just random comments about her life that have no relevance whatsoever... I can't freakin hear with her and when we partner up and I get stuck with her nothing gets done and I end up pulling something out of my ass to cover the fact that she wouldn't do anything but complain and mope and get so lost in the computer that the simplest thing-go to the at&t website- is like asking her to calculate the trajectory of this space probe.. in Latin. Grr.


Next item to calm down: My wonderful boyfriend.

As pissed off as I have been in the past few weeks with him and his gaming "habits" (IE addictions. I feel like i need a wow-anon for him.. Darcy I think I just found the name ;) woot for sleep deprivation! ) When I'm with him all that goes away.. unless he's on the game with his headphones in ignoring me then I feel like I'm on a date with Casper and I start to get ticked.. but again "nother post entirely But he's put up with the greenwell side of the family and is now getting ready to face the rigby/sparkes/like 45 other names (aka my mom's side) side of the family which are a crazy bunch of mofos and he allows me to blow up his inbox venting and come over when I am so crazy and depressed and pissed and a whole plethora of emotions and just let me vent or deal or whatev and be there. This is one of the many reasons I love him and put up with this wow addiction...

Yeah so now Malcolm is on so I'm outtie.. night ya'll

Day one

haha I'm sure you are all DYING to know how my first day as a telemarketer/customer service rep went.. lol you're not? I'm telling you anyway

It sounds like everything will be really technical. there are like 30 different programs you have to use simulatiously. But we didn't really get into anything too technical.. mostly just how we can't talk about info we receive from work and stuff.. yeah.. plus I don't get on phones til like the end of December.. so around then if any of you are having problems with your at&t cell service you should not call and yell.. it could be me on the other end.. and I'd really like to get promoted cuz it sounds like the 100 of us that make up the first classes are going to be eligible for the leads and managers and stuff... that would be nice... lol yeah.. lots of PowerPoint's and stuff.

The facility is really nice. There is like a caf where they sell everything from cereal to hot dogs and hamburgers to lighters.. it's really nice. there are 2 video game consoles so you can bring like your x box game and play and they have an on site gym and a "relaxation room" with like a huge beanbag chair and stuff.. it's pretty nice... yeah.. that's about all I know... they did manage to misspell my name on my badge while I spelled it to them.. not even the hard first name.. they misspelled Greenwell... the easy one... my badge now reads Myndi Greenweel.. I need to go get that fixed.. If I can manage to not get fired it'll be a miracle!

Speaking of miracles!)(remember: mental contract....) I GOT ANDY TO AGREE TO LEAVE HIS CAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All I had to do is beg and plead and beg some more... ;) lol no it wasn't that bad... I just asked when I could extract him from his cave(again.. haha hint hint ;) boys and their lack of getting subtle hints) and he said how bout tomorrow... Buhwhat? I was standing in the caff with Mabe-his cousin or Cody-going.. wow.. and Mabe just laughed and then went outside while I ate my delicious burger.(oh yeah.. I work with Andy's cousin Mabe/Cody and his sister in law's sister-technically his sister in law to I guess.. and a few people I went to high school with it'll be nice) yeah.. the end.

and grows..

Again, No speaking to Andy about the contents of this blog and all that other stuff...Yeah I'll talk to him about it if needs be.. and not before.. I don't want him finding out the extent of my hatred via third party. yeah OK remember mental contract.



I'm still not all about the stupid damn game. Kinda in hate with it-it's the opposite of in love. I mean yes I'm glad that he enjoys it and is having fun and whatever. And he did emerge from his cave to go to church with his family today and have dinner with his family and I even got like 4 texts,(one of which is saved in my box for future use. it states that I can get him out of his cave anytime I ask...you bet I'm going to use that one... more than once...lol) but yeah.. he's once again lost in his virtual world of magic and flying lions and robots and rock creatures and the like..grr.. the good news is I told him At eh very latest Tuesday I'm extracing him from the cave to go out in the sun as much as it may burn... and he didn't object... I don't think.. so Tuesday I'll see him.. hopefully... and for sure Friday when we go see twilight! which comes out on Friday! YAY!!!!!

But I'm still not sure how to take this whole getting thrown over for a game. I mean I told Darcy last night I think I could go over there and do a fan dance with a lettuce leaf and there would be no reaction. I've been quite tempted to test this theory..in a lees extreme manner that is.. or just show up at his house and hear all the embarrassing stories his mom has to offer...I'm sure she'd be more than willing to oblige.. they love me because I love their son and put up with all this gaming crap. I'm also not sure I should care. I mean I totally had a life before I met him. I should be able to entertain myself. And yet... it's way dumb.. I know....grrr... stupid hormones

on a totally unrelated topic the broncos won! the key to their winning seems to be me going to church and not watching the games.... I will support my team by not supporting them!!!

and on another completely unrelated note I start work tomorrow... yeah.. so if you have a problem with your at&t service and call to yell at someone.. don't yell at me.. I need to not get fired.. yeah

the end

Things are changing again

So I just got a job. I'm now officially a customer service rep for at&t thru teleperformance. ugh. I dunno how I feel about that.. my friend becca loved it there. LOVED IT. But I got a few weeks til I can start (the 17th) then I have 8 weeks of training and with any luck the IRS will have come thru by then so I don't ever have to get on the phones but we'll see what happens.. they sounded really willing to work with my school schedule so that'll keep me pretty close to on the same schedule as Andy which is good.. we'll see

Speaking of Andy... I sure hope he hasn't found out about this/ reads it....I think I freaking love him. Yesterday was by far one of the worst days in a long time (I realize I keep saying that.. but they keep getting worse beyond all odds). I went form so happy and elated that I got a 97% on my English test I had a job interview for today and I was going to take Andy to institute and then we were going to go see sexdrive or something.. it was a great day.. and then I got home. and the shit hit the fan. my dad was home and started in on emailing the IRS and it pissed me off cuz he won't let up about it and it's just annoying and I had had a particularly frustrating day in keyboarding and I was just on edge and yeah so I got all pissed and my dad then started in on how negative I was being and then he left and then my mom called and I exploded on her and then my dad found out and he came home and took my car keys(which he has no legal right to do.. but that's another story) and yelled at me about exploding on other people(again he has no right or room to talk.. he does it too all of us all the time) and called and cancelled my car insurance right then and there and basically told me I was the biggest burden and cause of most of the problems this family has had in the last 5 years and then left. so I went from a good manic(or elated) stage to a depressive stage in less than 3 hours.. that is one hell of a crash I'll tell you.. and I went down. I texted Cami and told her I wasn't going to make it to institute( and I hope she's not pissed at me.. tho she should be prolly) and then I texted Andy and told him kinda what had happened... well mostly that I wasn't going to be able to go out that night and prolly for a while afterword. and then I was just sitting in my room feeling like shit and a complete ass and a burden and sorry for myself mostly and He called and just basically said he was worried about me and was just checking up on me and i was crying and trying to not cry in front of him (cuz I hate crying in front of anyone) and whatev and I guess he could sense that I didn't want to or wasn't able to talk about it right then so he just started rambling about his day trying to get me to laugh or smile or take my mind off it or something and then I was starting to feel a little better and then my dad came home and started yell to try and find me so I totally hung up on him and went right back to feeling like shit.. again. and my dad opened my door to my room and said "I know this whole situation is hard on you and I'm not going to make it harder" and handed me back my keys and walked away. I'm now in a state of shock and disbelief and relief and a few other emotions that don't have names so I just stood there and then I picked up my phone and called Andy and he answered on like the first ring and said "what happened are you OK?" in a really concerned manner and I just kinda went " i dunno.. my dad gave me back my keys" and kinda told him what happened in a very vague overview and then I kinda went silent and then he kinda went oh.. and started in on his day and stuff again (again trying to get my mind off of it) and just kept talking to me for at least a half hour if not more(he hates talking on the phone if I didn't mention that.. HATES IT) and then my dad came and found me again and said "will you come to dinner with us?" and I nodded and he said "is that Andy?" and I nodded again(I'm on the phone and really close to tears.. I wasn't being an ass) and he said "well see if he would like to come with us" and so I invited him and despite the fact he had this root canal today and he was exhausted from work he came down and me and him followed my family and Ellie's friend that came with us down to dinner and Andy sat there and dealt with all the weird stuff Ellie and her friend were doing and my dad's attempt at making conversation (with which I was pleasantly surprised) and then as we were driving to the megaplex (he said you wanna go see a movie or something? I think you could use some time away from everything tonight. and I check with my family then we went) he just looked at me and said "I want you to really listen to the words of this song" then he played the last night by skillet(look it up it's a good song and they are a christian rock band so nothing should offend) and by the end I was almost crying(hell i was crying.. but silently) and he just kinda looked at me and then we went to the movie and I pretty much just clinged(clanged? I dunno how to put that in this tense..) to him the whole time and I was super fidgety and stuff and he just let me and then we got back to my house and we just stood outside talking then he kissed me and said something like "You have to be careful OK? I'm here anytime you need me.. it'll only take me 10 minutes to get there" and kinda smiled and I said "thank you. the same" or something lame like that cuz I was totally crying again and yeah that's how this story ends.. but yeah the end

Confusion :S(contains mild cursing....sorry)

So I'm really confused so I'm going to blog and hope to get some semblance of understanding.. or at least organization of said confusing thoughts and feelings:

K haha so I'll start with the good: Andy got a gs4 perm job-which is very good. He'll be making more money and stuff so he can move out and what not. The bad(I think) is it's a swing job.. meaning from like 4-1230 at night I think.. so I'm not going to get to see as much of him as I'd like.. but I did manage to see him while he was working graves and I was working days so it can be done. I wonder if this was a little for me too... I've kinda been waiting around hoping to get my old files job back cuz I didn't want to give up my nights to working and days to school. But I made the decision that I am sick of waiting around for something that may or may not happen and I want to get back out there and get a job(I hate Hate HATE!!! not having income.. I have a car payment along with various other bills i.e. school insurance and gas for said car and I'm trying to move out by this time next year so it would be nice to be able to start putting back into that fund instead of taking out) and then this happened so I think that's kinda the go ahead.. i know I can get a swing type job whenev I want.. I'm not all about going back to food but nights aren't that bad and I know how to do it and deal with school at the same time I did it all thru high school and with only 2 or 3 hours of school a day I'd be ok.. but that's a last resort so unless something magical in jobland happens in the next 7 hours or so til I go to bed that's going to be a big part of tomorrow. yeah. it sucks.

ok number two: speaking of Andy! BAH!!!! Why are boys so hard to read?! I have no idea what he is thinking or wants half the time... then again I don't really know what I want most the time either... But yeah I don't even know what to think about the whole Andy situation. I always want to be around him, when my life went to shit a few weeks ago he was the first person I told and some of the only times I could think and breath and not just sit in my room freaking out and unable to function was when I was with him. I always feel so safe when I'm with him, like nothing could ever hurt me, and I hate leaving him at his doorstep (or him leaving me at mine). Last night despite the fact that was freaking cold as hell and way too late for either of us to be up cuz we both had to get up semi early I couldn't help but want to just stay with him( I nearly fell asleep on his shoulder is how this story ended.. he told me I had to go inside and go to sleep or else), I used to be able to go to movies and plays and stuff with Krogman and Zane or by myself and now it just feels weird without him there, I used to not live to hear my phone vibrate hoping i could go over there.. hell even doing homework is more fun and easier to do when I'm with him (well maybe not easier to do but when I do do it I retain more info it's so weird) Knowing him has given me and eternal perspective that 20 years of church couldn't do and that has helped me in so many ways, he's also given me an undying testimony of the priesthood and the knowledge that I both want and need that in my life for the duration there of. I can talk to him about anything and everything under the sun. Last night we went from talking about the movie we had just seen to work to religion to sex to the future to family issues to music to teasing about embarrassing past things to wow to our party days to his mission to my less than wholesome thoughts involving us to south park and back again! I would trust him with my life and then some. I can't even imagine not having him in my life nor can I remember how to have a life without him being a part of it. This scares me. First off because I am too damn young to be feeling like this and making such big decisions such as what I want to do for the rest of my life to pay the bills and if the opportunity arises who I want to be with for the rest of.. forever! I've lived with my family-who I love- for 20 years and I'm about ready to kill all of them on a daily basis! Forever is such a long time! This also scares me for another reason. He has the power to hurt me in a way that no one else does.. or ever has had to my knowledge. that doesn't mean that he will and I am not saying I don't trust him. but that is fact. I have held up pretty ok emotionally thus far despite everything that has gone on but I blame that solely on his allowing me to come hang with him.. like all the time. I dunno it's just big and scary... it almost makes me miss some of my old high school boy problems.. not really but almost.

and finally(well not really but the final big one) school: I'm so not sure if accounting is going to be what I think it will and even if it's what I want.. I mean the classes(aside from keyboarding) have all been relatively easy and unless I get divine intervention I am finishing out this accounting program if nothing else but I don't know if I want to do this for the next 40 years or so... I don't know if I want to do anything for the next 40 or so years hell the way I get bored with things I don't know that there's anything that could interest me for more than 5 or 6 years... I dunno

yeah so that's all... stupid life.. I'm going to go contemplate things whilst watching the Simpsons