insomnia strikes again.

So my insomnia is striking again. I was up blog stalking a few old friends from high school and then I thought I would give my blog some loving.

Ok first off I have a new workout goal. I still want to be able to do all those other things but I have a new goal. For anyone that doesn't know I've become ridiculously Baby Hungry since getting married. (and a little before. Crazy huh?) So I found this picture on the internet and printed it off and have it in my gym bag and wallet.. ok well I can't figure out how to post a pic on here cuz I'm pretty computer-tarded and my nerd husband is asleep. like most normal people at this hour. But it's a pic of a really cute little boy about age 2. I've decided that that is my new goal. I want to start trying for a baby this year. I have to see if I can talk Andy into it a little earlier than he was hoping but we'll see what happens. before that can happen tho I need to get my Blood pressure down a little and get to a healthy weight and then get some finacial things taken care of but hopefully by about june or july I can bring up the subject again. (andy wanted to wait til like next jan but I'm not sure I wanna wait that long. I think this is a good compromise) We'll see if I still feel this way if and when I get into weber.

Which brings me to my next random thought. I need to get back to school. and how much fun will it be since I'm married. You know there are times that I miss the single lifestyle. But I know that if I wasn't married I'd be sitting in my cramped little room at my parents doing the same amount of nothing I was doing before. Which gave me a good lesson. When I lost my job at Files in 2008 it started a whole chain of events that I didn't really understand but now looking back I can see what a difference they've made in my life. I now know that everything I was forced to go thru during that time was to prepare me to enter into the house of the Lord and later to seal myself to my best friend for time and all eternity. It was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do. I still remember every agonizing day and week of searching for jobs and getting rejected time and time again. I remember the bills (of which I only had 3 oh the days) pilling up and trying to make everything streach hoping that tomorrow would be the day that the IRS would call. I remeber getting rejected for unemployment because I was in school and therefor was 'unable to accept full time employment' and I rememer what a jerk I was to those closest to me. I also rememeber a few of the good things. I remember having a phone call court date -which sounds and is pretty stupid- and I remember the judge saying "After hearing your case I think you can accept full time work. I hearby grant you unemployment." Best thing a judge has ever done for me. I cried. I had just accepted a job at teleproformance but I wasn't going to get paid for 3 weeks as is the way with most jobs. I had school and a car payment due within the next week. I checked my account 2 days later and there was $1000 in there. Just enough to pay for my next semster of school my car payment and for gas until I was to get paid again. I remember all the time I spent with my mom because I couldn't afford to go anywhere cuz I needed the gas in my car to get me to work and back. We had a few fights but mostly we had a lot of fun. My dad was at work and ellie was in school so it was just me and her. I remember the day that they told me that a few of the perm employees had opted to get laid off early in because of that I got to stay on for 2 more weeks and get an extra paycheck. and perhaps the biggest thing I remember is when I went to Andy for help. I had spent days cring myself to sleep and spending the days just trying to function in a semi normal fashion and figuring out where to go from here (if there is one thing I hate more than not being in control of my life it's not being in control of my emotions and like crying in front of people. and at this point in time I was living on the verge of both all the time) After about three days of this zombie stage my friend Angi texted me and basically told me that I needed a blessing. Anyone that knows my family knows that the very closest realative I could ask is my great uncle or one of my 2nd cousins. I thought about Darcy's dad for a minute and although Jeff's has been like a second home to me for many years that still felt weird. Angi offered her dad or one of her bros but that felt even more weird. the one person that kept coming up was Andy. I don't remember exactly what was said or what happened but I remember going over there feeling so terrible. so Hopeless. and I remeber after the fact as I stood there trying to figure out what had just happened and what had changed. The answer was nothing. I was still jobless. I was still dependent on my parents i was still lost and confused. But there was hope. And that hope kept me going for the next two months in a semi sane fashion. It helped me thru the worst job I have ever had-and I worked fast food for 3 years- telemarketing. and it kept that little spark of hope alive in me that someday I would work in one of the behind teleperformance (there are currently two irs buildings behing there and I am currently working in one of them. a year later) In fact just the other day I stopped and looked at the big now hiring sign and rememebered standing out there just a year prior looking at the building and thinking. Someday. I don't care what it takes. Someday I WILL work there. Well here it is one year later and I do. I learned that when I set my mind to something there is no stopping me. That night was also the night I fell in love and realized that I wanted... no needed.. the priesthood in my life. At one of my pre wedding party thingys Darcy had this game set up where she had already asked andy questions then she asked me the same questions and then compared them to his. One of the questions was when did you know that he/she was the one you would marry? I didn't want to go into this night with all my friends there cuz I knew I would cry (and we all know how much I hate that. see above) so I made up some other answer but this was it. Despite all the little things that he does that just bug the hell outta me I still love him and consiter him my best friend. Lately It seems all we do is argue and I feel like I'm constantly nagging him or irritated with him. This is one of the two memeories that puts things into persepective (the other one can't be posted here. Sorry that's for me only) I've decided to amend my new years resolution. This year I am going to try and keep things into perspective and do everythign I can to strengthen myself physically mentally and spirtually as well as to strengthen my marriage. It doesn't matter if the clothes get hung up or who vaccums in the eternal perspective. I also resolve to notice the little things that God does for me in my day to day life to help push me just a little more. For years i had complained about getting up early to drag myself to work or complained about the hours or wished I had more time to myself or to hang out with friends. after I got laid off I wished I had to get up early to go to work. As much as I hate swing shift I am so greatful to have a job in these times. a job that allows me to make enough to pay all my bills and even occasionally do something fun with. and a job that I (for the most part) enjoy and could see myself in for a long time comfortably. A job that stimulates me intelectually and a job that has opportunities for growth. I already have my eventual goal in place and I am finding ways to take the steps I need to get there. (I want to be an anaylist preferably budget but I'll take any) I needed reminding of this I guess. These random late night tangents are often a very good way for me to learn things. even tho most of the time it just seems like a jumble of spelling errors and lack of punctuation, it usually clears my head and what is left is what I needed to hear. that's pretty much it

oh ps motts pear flavored applesauce and juice consisting of three or more fruits and made from concentrate makes an awesome midnight (or in this case 6:54am) snack. try it ok back to my thought train.