Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Furlough Cronicals. volume 1

So I knew it had to happen. no one makes it thru a career with the IRS without getting furloughed once. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck. The biggest part about all of this is that A) I was screwed into my number at the bottom of the list. and B) I will lose school next semester over this. Let me explain:
Part A. I am a good worker. I know it. I am willing to work my way up and do everything that is asked of me and then some. I have no errors and a production rate about average. As a good worker I expect certain things. I expect that my actions be recognized and that I get credit for them. Not publically but at least privately. I expect the managers to follow the rules and when the managers overstep/breech them (accidently or on purpose) that the union to which I belong and pay dues to every pay period do their job and correct it. Thus far in my experience at the IRS (a job that I wanted and worked towards since I was 16 I might add) none of these things have happened. I have gone to the Union a total of 6 times in my 22 months with the IRS and they have done 0 squat nada for me. Some of these were real problems (two counts of hostile work environment with a manager and one count of my evaluation being lowered without written counseling {for those of you don’t know your annual evaluation (or eval) is what gets you better paying jobs/permanent jobs(non furloughable)/or on day shifts so to have it lowered is bad enough but to have it lowered without reason because the manager and I…didn’t see eye to eye…and she was mad that she was getting kicked down from a manager to a pee-on is infuriating} ) I go to them with real breeches of the contract and they poo-poo me or make me feel like I am in the wrong for asking them to uphold the promises they have made. I am livid. I just have to hope that something will come thru….
And B) I cannot get my Tuition Payment Letter if I cannot get to my work email- which I can’t if I’m furloughed. So I can’t register for class unless I can come up with $1400 to pay for it. Awesome. What’s more I can’t turn in my grades to prove that I upheld my side of the agreement and passed so they will prolly say I owe them money when I come back. I’m livid. I guess we’ll see
Well after 8 hours of furlough I’m going nuts. I’ve decided to go to the gym 5 days a week for a few hours until I can go back to work

Lets see how this goes

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Waiting for Zaid...

I decided I'm not done yet for today, and where I'm teathered to my phone waiting for the call to come down to the hospital and see my nephew I'll vent and wallow some more.

So I took the day off work cuz Erin was getting induced today. I've sat on pins and needles all day just waiting. I cannot wait to meet him. It sounds bad but I've felt connected to Zaid since we found out Erin was preggers. I'm not sure why but I've never felt this way about any of the others. I mean I loved Clay and Lexi from day one but I didn't meet them until they were like 3 and 1. And then when Amanda got Pregnant with Austin I was.. actually really jealous. But once I got over that I was excited again. But I never really felt anymore connect to Austin than with any of the others. I dunno if it's just that I didn't spend as much time with Amanda while she was prego or what but for whatever reason I just never felt as close to him. Also he cries everytime I touch him. I still love him but I think I've made my point.
Zaid on the other hand, I attribute it to the fact that Paul was gone almost all of Erins pregnancy working in Iraq. I mowed Erins lawn for her all summer and got to go with her to register for her baby shower. It was so neat and I will forever be grateful for the experience. As clueless as we were in the store (how many of these will I need. Oh I dunno. We shoulda brought Amanda huh?) it was so much fun. I've talked to him a few times thru Erins tummy and let him know that I'm here with a whole room full of toys and no one for him to have to share them with. So when he gets mad at his parents he can call me and I will come get him. They all laugh but I'm serious. Like I said I've felt connected to him in a new way. I'd like to think that we really will be buddies and I can help him in some way. I'm not sure tho. I can't really help myself right now let alone anyone else. I'm letting myself get beaten by some setbacks. Albeit a lot of setbacks but still... So what I got screwed at work so what I have to start from the bottom yet again with managment that treats me like crap. does that mean I should curl up and die? No. I'm still going to fight at work to keep my job. or at least get something positive outta this endevor. I know that I deserve better and I know that I am willing to fight to get what I deserve. Acting like a baby is only going to make things worse. I have a valid case and I will be heard and keep going until I get results. It's unfair sure but a lot if things are. Everyone else can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It sucks. anyone who has never had to experience this has no idea what it's like. and anyone who tells me it'll happen when it's time doesn't have a clue either. I've decided that in Nov I'm going to my dr and saying I've done everything you've asked and none of it works and I need to get pregnant. Help me as is or I will find someone who will.
Anywho I'm going to go get some dinner then hopefully go meet Zaiden.

the big bang theory and other ramblings

so I'm sitting here watching my newly aquired seasons of the big bang theory and I thought maybe I'd try and figure some stuff out... or wallow... prolly wallow mostly. and angrily.

so first off I had my second college midterm. 97.1% boo yah! If I only take one class at a time I can graduate college with a 4.0 in only 15.5 years. So when I am 37.5 we will have a fun graduation party. and then another 7 years later we'll have one for my masters and then another 7 years later for my doctorates. so when I am 52 approxamatly I can have the title of dr master. and everyone will refer to me as such. I may legally get my name changed to Dr Master Barnett.... yeah... but I digress. I guess I should focus on the here and now. I'm just throwing the idea out there for you three who read this ( Hi Charla, and possibly Annie and Amanda... best guess) Since you all only have 29.5 years to get used to the idea...

On to the rest of my life. I'm losing a grade and a title at work. And I'm pissed. This pilot program was shit when team one came in. we sat thru three weeks of useless training because no one knew what we would or wouldn't need. We were given the worst desk instructions ever spawned and daily. nay hourly changes for months on end. Then we were told that another team was going to be brought on and we all worried about them taking our jobs. Upper managment swore up and down that the other team was collapsaible. They would go first. now in the interest of being "fair" they have put all of us in a big pot and went by who had been there the longest and who had the best evaluation. so since I've only been there a year and have had shitty lazy power trippy managers I'm getting screwed outta a team I helped build up from the damn ground up. Oh and even better anytime I bring up a valid point about why this is bull shit I get talked in circles or told "that's just the way it is." Then they come to me and ask me to do things like show the super higher ups how to work a case or take extra cases "cuz we're super behind" but still tell me theres nothing they can do. I even got a talking to about my "attitude" after I told my boss to ask someone who would "still be on this team in a month" to take extra work. No shit I have an attitude. You want to work me like a slave then get rid of me. I feel like a whore. I've been paid for my services now I need to get out. I suppose I will start from the bottom again. I know I am better than this. I work my ass off for that place and get shit on in return. Fuck it. Fuck em. My next month will be a cake walk. I hate everyone there and I think my boss understands that I am super pissed and have no problems annoucing it. so I will spend the next two weeks enjoying my last fridays off and catching up on movies and tv shows. Anus. I'm coming back. stay the hell outta my way. I hate you . You hate me. I will try and be outta your hair as quickly as possible.

My Family has become a living hell. My father is a fuckhead and I have had about all of him I can take. Ellie has decided to move into her own aptment. She found one in layton that is afordable for her. Im so not comfortable with her living alone. But She's 18. I can't stop her. And really she has no choice. The way my father is acting right now I'm surprised my mother hasn't slept here once or twice. or infinitly. I've decided as bad of an idea as it may be to set a timeline and at the end of it if things haven't gotten better then I am stepping in. If things stay the same and my father doesn't say or do anything stupid he has til Thanksgiving to straighten the fuck up. He told my mom that He would rather sit at home alone on thanksgiving then lay eyes on the daughter that "quit the family" (which side note. I hear that phrase one more time my timeline and patience will go to zero and I cannot be held responsable for my actions.) If he is so petty as to miss thanksgivine so help me god I will spend this holiday season in jail and he will spend it in the hospital. For my whole life (but more...vigorously(?) the last 8 years or so) he's been so stubborn and stupid. However he percieves things thats the way they are and that is that. Regardless of what kinda logic or reason you put into a situation if he thinks it's this way then its this way. I'm glad Ellie chose a less destructive way of dealing with it rather than bite her tongue and then get wasted. But I still don't like the idea of her getting thrown out 2 weeks after graduation. He has always pitted us against each other. I cannot count how many times Ellie has told me in my life things like "you're the favorite" or "they can't help me cuz they are too busy helping you." It's caused a real riff in our relationship and I would give anything to change it. Between that wedge froom my father and my out of control bursts of anger and the physical manifestations of it I'm afraid that our relationship is almost irrepariable. And that makes me even more angry. I can count the number of times I've been held down and yelled at or beaten or choaked or any number of other horrible things as punishment. I'm now big enough to take on my dad and he's got nothing to hold over me. Thanksgiving is the end of my rope. I love Christmas and if he is going to ruin it then he doesn't get to be a part of it. Or my life. And from here on out I have new rules concerning him regardless of outcome. #1. He will never. ever. be allowed alone with my children. Ever. I'm not sure if even him and my mom will be left alone cuz He'll just do whatever he wants and make her cry if she tries to stop him. I love my future children too much to put them thru the Hellish nightmare that was my life. In fact if Andy or I are not there then I don't think my kids will be. I will call Ellie or call Mom or call and pay Darcy (she informed me she charges by the hour and unless I get prego in the next two months she'll be home before I have kids) He's unfit to be around children. #2 If He so much as makes a hurtful statment, joking or not, towards me, andy, ellie, mom, or my kids I will flatten his ass. I spent my whole life hearing "You were an accident anyway" (note: my parents aniversary is May 7th 1988. My birthday is Nov 5th 1988. You do the math) You know when you hear that day in and day out my whole life. and then when I would act hurt he would say "I'm only joking grow some tougher skin" Well after 22 years jokes obviously have some meaning. #3. I'm done asking for or accepting help. I will stand on my own like Ellie is being forced to. I tell my mom all the time I have extra rooms and an extra bed (type thing. aka futon). I wouldn't be surprised if she took me up on that someday. Andy knows how I feel about this so he's even been limiting his interactions with my dad. And #4. If my mother cries because of him one more time he had better be in the hospital or he soon will be. I. Will. Not. Stand. For. That. Anymore. Once more and I will need you guys to come visit me in jail. But if I have to go down there Thanksgiving and beat some sense into him all other rules will go out the window and we will go to the only rule. Mike is not allowed within 50 feet of my house. He is not to contact me or Andy or our children. I will get a restraining order if I have to. But if he tries to keep my mother from seeing me or me from seeing her I will go down there and break both his legs. I'm done with the high school bullshit.

Anywho that's about enough for this one.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Im back

as requested a few months agoin a comment telegraph ( thanks Charla) I am going to post another blog. also I am done with my homework and have a few hours until andy gets home so I will revert back to blogging and try and catch up.

Number one. We got the house and a dog. We're still not unpacked (I hope to have it done by the time darcy gets back next december)Im not even close to good at blogging so if you want to see a picture of the dog you'll have to get on facebook when I get around to posting them( sorry charla.) Its a whole new step in my life. I love having a house. it took some getting used to but I finally feel like this is my home. I still think its haunted but its getting less creepy. Ive settled down in marrage life and I think that is a big reason I have grown to love this place. But on the flip side I sometimes feel traped. I now have responsibilities. Everyone has been telling me lately that I am so lucky to have a house at 21. But I worked my whole life for this. I didn't buy a car til I was 18 and I bought a cheap used one (that i love.) with no extras and paid it off and plan to have it til it dies or I have too many kids to fit in a tercel (2). I didn't get a credit card til last year and even then its a very small amount. I have worked hard to keep my credit good and worked even harder to build andys back up. I had a fire lit under my ass from day one and worked hard to get into a better job and have been working hard ever since to keep trying to move up. I have earned this house. I feel like when people attribute it to luck and good timing they are minimizing the work I put in my whole life to getting this house. Luck and good timing did have something to do with it but really it was my hard headedness and God's help that got us into this house.

I got the cutest dog on the planet. Her name is Mesha and she is so-o cute! She's about 6 years old and we got her from pets mart. We went into petsmart and they had all these cages lined up. She was in the last one and I turned the corner and fell in love. She was so cute and scared. We bought her and took her home. she was skittish and hard to control at first but now she is an irreversable part of the family. The cat has even adjusted. they aren't friends but the cat will move around and be near the dog and the dog doesn't try and eat the cat. She is half blue healer and half brittney. She is the dog of my dreams. When she wags her tail it goes in a circle like a helicopter and she always has a stuffed toy in her mouth. She stands at the door when we leave and is sometimes still there when we get back. just waiting. Shes good about having her ears pulled or rough housing. Its so nice and cute. I love her so much and she is my dog. for the first time in my life I have a dog that is mine. no one can tell me how to raise her or discipline her.

thats all for now cuz I am super tired. I have a feeling I will be back shortly tho

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Sunflower Seeds.

Just a random musing from work today.

I was eating sunflower seeds today(I've picked that habit back up again) and I realized they are kinda like life. It doesn't seem to matter how many delicious salty perfectly cooked ones you find there will always be one that is burned or rotten or just yucky. And when you find that one yucky one you focus on that one. at least I do. That is like my life. Almost everything can be going just fine and then all of a sudden something with the house does go thru as fast as I would like it too or my ipod gets dropped in the toilet and stops working and I let it ruin my whold day. Just like I let that one yucky seed ruin a whole bag of perfectly good ones. Just an observation I made while sitting in silence at work cuz my ipod wasn't working.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

might as well...

I'm up really early and my stomach is turning with nervousness for what may come today so i figured I would blog a little to try and calm myself down so i can have a few more hours sleep before trying to tackle another 10 plus hour day on 2 hours sleep... maybe 2 and a half.

I think I'm really liking my new shift. aside from the fact that I feel like all I do is work and sleep monday-thursday having a 3 day weekend every week is worth it. now if only I could get them to give me this shift on days I'd be set.

I've decided that sitting around waiting to find out that I didn't even make these rosters I haven't heard from yet is killing me. between the house stuff, my sisters shit she is pulling and working the worst shift possible has made me a grumpy beast. so if I haven't heard anything by noon I'm calling the contact numbers on these jobs and finding out if I'm even on the list or just waiting to get another rejection letter. it'll basically make or break.. well everything. My whole old unit got to go to days as did my good buddy Daniel and sounds like it won't be long til Andy does. I'm apparently the only person that can't get a day job. I'm sick of having to work super hard for everything in my life. Jobs, possesions, recognition. Since Jr high nothing has come easy for me except drinking and messing up my life. I paper the town trying to get anyone to hire me for my first job. finally 100 plus applications and interviews later I get a crappy fast food job at Wendy's. I work there for 3 years being the go to person for 2.5 of those years and at the end of it I am still a minimum wage crew member doing the work for a manager without the pay or title. I then go to files and work my ass off there to become a walking IRM (procedural manual basically) of how things are done only to get laid off at the end of that year. i then paper the town again for 6 weeks with 4 years of working experience behind me cuz no one will still hire me. and on top of that I can't even collect unemployment cuz I go to school during the day. so I then while being unemployed and being contiunally turned down for jobs I also am in the middle of a fight to get unemployment as an honest american citizen when any lazy slob or illegal can go collect every week no problem. I finally have to take a shitty CSR job and then 4 weeks later get my unemployment I'm due. Now I am being skipped over for irs jobs and mocked by 2 irs buildings that I have to see every day. I finally 6 months later get an irs job on swings and get jerked around for 2 weeks then get thrown into the worst unit ever. I end up being on the wrong side of the numbers so i desperatly try to jump ship and get into a new unit and put in well over 100 applications again and still hear nothing. Finally 9 months and not a day too soon get this job that I'm currently in. Despite all their promises of "you're a perfect fit to move right into ladder jobs with this training" it doesn't seem like any of us have a shot cuz everyone puts in for every ladder job and nothing. I'm sick of having to claw my way up an inch at a time while people like my sister are able to get any job they put in for no problem. I've tried to be positive about the whole thing but you know what? the next person who says 'it could be worse you could have no job" is getting smacked. It could be worse. I could have a rare flesh eating desease that is slowly killing me from the inside out but I don't right now I have this. and frankly I think losing my sanity feeling trapped in a job cuz I can't go back to my old unit and take a $150 pay cut and be stuck with 3 bitches who are out for my blood and even if that happened there would be no way for me to take another $150 pay cut to go to days unless I moved up a grade cuz we are buying a house. Andy doesn't seem to understand that he needs to get his act together and get out of a 4. He's on a swing to days list and since his job exsists on days it won't take long. I can't tell him he can't go to days unless he goes up a grade cuz he just says things like "we'll make it work." but he talks about going golfing and going to movies and stuff if he got to days. I kinda don't see how to make him understand that if he stays a 4 and goes to days he will sit home every night not playing video games doing chores and never getting to go do anything fun cuz we'll be house broke as it is. him losing $110 a pay check will kill any chance of doing anything fun for both of us. plus I'll prolly still be stuck on nights for god knows how much longer so the resentment thing will come into play no matter how hard I try not to. it'll bad deal. Maybe I'm being selfish and can't see the big picture but I don't see any good coming out of this. at all. basically I'm sick of waiting. I wish it was noon already so i could just call and get this over with. I never knew I could hate a shift this much. I just wanna be on days and feel normal. is that so fucking mutch to ask? I come to work every day. I'm honest if I'm late. Yes I do take longer breaks and lunches than I'm supposed to but who can say they don't? no one in the irs. that's for damn sure. I am dependable to get my work done on time and even pick up the slack for others. I'm a quick learner and a great trainer. I may offend people with some of the things I say but people at the irs are too sensitive anyway for the most part. and I may be a little unbalenced at times but when you can't control how anything is going in your life aren't we all a little emotionally streached? arg! enough about this I'm more worked up than when I began... fingers crossed I hear good news I guess all I can do is wait another 5 hours...

speaking of the house. I have no new news. they should've done the appraisal and inspection this weekend sometime and after that is done we should be clear to have it in 2 weeks or so. again not a whole lot to do but wait. All this waiting...ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now to my sister. she is becoming an idiot since turning 18. hanging out with way too old for her guys with kids from other relationships and way too old for her girls and people the rest of the family isn't comfortable with. then when i tell her I'm not comfortable with any of this she tells me I don't understand. Right I don't fucking understand what it's like to deal with dad and his mood swings or graduating high schhol and having to figure out your life or working two jobs (but I worked 70 hours a week at my two jobs. not fucking 10.. total) or stressing about all of this rolled into one. I've never had to deal with any of that ever. certainly not you know 4 years ago. Don't fucking tell me I don't understand. You don't understand. You've never had to deal with real life for even a second. you've never had to work a job you hate. You have the luxurey of getting whatever job you want. and if you don't like it. you'll quit and have a new job in a week. So let me break it down for you Dad is right. you are a people user. Exhibit A. You've gone thru more "boyfriends" in the last year than I have ever had in my life. I don't think you keep them around for more than a month or so. ever. you let them buy you things and take you places and tell you how pretty you are and that they love you then you dump them and leave them heartbroken for the next "hotter" better not all used up guy. Guy or girl that makes you a sleezeball and a slut. Exhibit B. Darcy has been my best friend since grade school. she always will be my best friend (female). I can tell her anything and anything I can't tell her I shouldn't be doing. despite 3 years of almost never seeing or talking to Darcy I still feel as close to her as ever. Steph has been a good friend since grade school as well. Still is. My group from jr high and high school? for the most part the 12 of us are still in connection and still friends. Tara, Lana, Charla? Still in connection with them. still good friends (at least I think so.) I add to my circle of friends I don't
puch people out to make room for others. Lets look at your Friend history. Ally? good friend til you got "hot" then all of a sudden in jr high she was "too busy" for you (not what she said btw. I asked her wednesday when I saw her she says you left them) Emily? too busy for you.. really? Tesha? Her mom drove us apart. really? she was always tolerable of you when I was around at the very least. sometimes she even seemed downright nice. Michelle. She did screw up. I'll admit that. choosing her boyfriend over you. but she tried to apologize and you snubbed her. people make mistakes. she deserved at least a second chance...cautiously. so your group of 4 from childhood you have no contact with now. amazing. lets see every time I turn around you have a new "BFF" and a new group of friends. all of which I hate. i couldn't name any of them except for amie who i hate. She is a snot and a bitch. And I think Amie was stalking your exbf sam so I think you two are on the outs now. What is the common denomiator here? you. Have I made my point yet? well if not watch mean girls and see how you act. just like Cady? wow. as far as you wanting to go to college. I don't see how you think it'll be any different than high school which you barely manage to go to and pass. Except that in college you pay them and they could give a shit whether you pass or fail as long as your check clears. so good luck with that. and as far as this I don't wanna live anymore God hates me and so I'm just going to throw up everything I eat and hang out with lowlifes and dumb asses to prove how much everyone hates me then yell at anyone who tries to help me crap. Well number one I'm sure God isn't too thrilled with the choices you are making but he doesn't hate you. and If I ever hear you say that again I will box your ears in. Number two if my mother ever. EVER calls me crying like that again you had better be in the hospital or you will be in the hospital. Number three. If I ever hear you treating my mother the way you were last week when she brought you over here for a blessing You will need a new blessing. the got her ass whooped by her sister kind. You may be 18 but you are still my little sister and i will still kick your ass if you need it. and that is my mother you are talking to. The woman who gave me life and taught me everything. The woman who is willing to drop everything and let me curl up in a ball and cry until i throw up if I need to. The woman I want to be just like someday and The woman who I cried for when my life and marraige felt like it was in the toilet. You. Will. Not. Talk. To. Her. Like. That. Again. EVER! I realize i caused her a lot of grief in my time and you know what? I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that. and this is part of it. And Number four. This self harm crap is done. Until you stop all this crap you are no longer welcome to use my house as a refuge. And I've told andy my feelings and he said he will respect my wishes. Quite franlly til you stop going out with losers and harming yourself I will side with dad. and andy will side with me. if that means that you consider me an enemy then so be it. you have no idea how bad things can and will get for you if you keep this up. But your choice

well that is all. now that I am cried out and angried up I think I will try to sleep. HA!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It's been a while

So I realized it's been like a month since I last updated. but working on nights seems to make your whole life blend together. so here is an update.

1) We got approved for a house loan. It's called the FHA loan and basically it allows you to put all of your closing costs and down payments and things like that into the loan. It's a super sweet deal. We're running around like mad men trying to get into a contract before the end of the month so we can maybe qualify for that tax credit next year. It's actually really stressfull and if we don't make the April 30th deadline I think I may reconsider. the more I think about buying a house the more stressed I get. Stupid growing up. worrying about bills and budgets and all that crap. But I am kinda leaving this one up to... fate? God? whatever you want to call it. The market is prime right now for a house and I am all for not having noisy neighbors downstairs and being able to have a dog or two and being able to hang things up and all that. but at the same time I also worry about being "house broke" and hurting the credit (again) I've worked so hard to build (again). I guess we'll see what happens right?

2) The IRS approved me to go back to school this fall. YAY! I've never been so happy to get to go to school. I'm only allowed 2 classes a semester and if I don't pass then I have to pay back the IRS with interest (great incentive right?) but it's free and the classes I have picked out should help me move within the IRS. I figure if they will approve all my classes I need (doubtful but one can hope) I can have my degree in 5 years. I know I'm a few years late in starting but after watching what just an associates in accounting did for my friend Daniel I'm all for it. Weber State Here I come

3) I got my 4/10's shift at my job with every friday off starting next week. I'm super pumped about that. It'll give me a day to be normal. I hope it'll help me cope with my super sucky zombie life that I am forced to live until my shameless whoreing for day jobs finally pays off. I never thought I would want a day job so badly. And yet today I found myself spending a half an hour introducing myself to higher ups at a job fair as "Hi my name is Myndi Barnett. Does your department have day jobs and how do I get them?" I think most of them thought I was joking. but hey if that's what it takes to get them to remeber my name then so be it. I'm hoping that the lines of "This job's experience will give you a leg up on the compition for the ladder positions"(which happen to have many day shifts) coupled with my never missing an opportunity to tell anyone I meet the ridiclous things I would do to get on day shift. (This weeks answer Quote 'Put a puffer fish in my shoe and run around the building' end quote)and my pulling of every string I can even think to find along with trying to be a great employee will pay off soon. God seems to be giving me a little break lately. I know it's asking a lot but if you could just let me have this one last thing.. well I'd like to hope that it would be benificial in some way but in reality I'm just so sick of nights I could scream. It's making me grumpy and short with everyone I meet. I'm deathly afraid that Andy will move to days (cuz the more I talk about my NEED to be on days for my sanity the more he says I think I want to go to days again. And his job exsists on days. whereas my exact job does not)before I can and that old monster resentment will rear it's ugly head. But I got my fridays off so I can start going back to the terrace and having a night off and trying to stay sane til I prove myself worthy of a day job. Or they take pity on me. Whatever gets me on a normal schedual again. I'm not picky.

4) Darcy Finally got her mission call. She is going to the Ohmaha Nebraska Winter Quarters Mission. Yay! I may actually be able to send her more than 3 letters her whole mission (sorry Angi. see #3 the post office is not open when I am up in my zombie state. You can blame the IRS) On the 28th She is going thru the temple and has invited me to go along. I am so proud of her for these choices and so very honored that she would include me in her day. Way to go Darc! You'll do great!

5) Daniel-See #2- Was ordained an Elder last sunday. He also invited us to be there when he was ordained and it was amazing. I am so proud of him and the choices he has made since I met him 2 years ago at files. I cannot wait for Aug to see him and his wife and son be sealed toether for time and all eternity. Way to go Daniel! I know how hard you've worked for this and you deserve it.

6) Steph Got engaged and is getting married in june (23rd I believe). She looks so happy and Allen really does care. I don't know him very well but you can see it. I'm super happy for them both. Best of luck.

7) Things with me and andy have never been better. We bottomed out a few weeks ago and had the mother of all fights. it lasted all night. we didn't go to work the next day cuz of it. He was ready to move back with his parents and I never knew how strongly I felt about all of this til then. I basically told him that if he left that he would leave with theclothes on his back and a single man who couldn't keep a promise to his God , his family, his wife or himself. Durring this massive fight we were able to weed through the minor stupid things and get to one of the major problems in this whole thing. 3 Guesses what it was? yeah. The games. well the computer in general. After a long talk in which he finally admited that is was an addiction and agreed to get help. and guess what? something stuck. he hasn't been this happy in months. Although I don't agree with depression pills and shrinks you can't argue results. at least I won't for the time being. I am thinking that he is emerging. Will there be other fights. indoubitably. Especially with my irrational behavior lately. and I know that there are things that I need to work on but this has help us so much. It's incrediable.

8) The kids thing has come up a lot lately. Apparently I missed the barnett family memo that everyone was supposed to get prego at the same time. I'm not kidding. Amanda and Erin (sister in laws that are not 9 years old) Audry (Andy's cousin who got married like 6 months before us) and at least one other cousin (whose name I don't know) on his side are prego. Add that to my plethora of friends that are prego (Heidi and Joe, Shatel and Tyler, Andrea and Jonny, Darcy's brother Kyle and his Wife Katie and Emilie and Nate off the top of my head) and a dr that keeps telling me that unless I lose over half my body weight (haha guess what doc? Tried your diet and your exercise plan and gained weight), drop my blood pressure by 50 points (again doc. Taking those pills you gave me? raises it by and average of 15 points no matter what I eat or do) and get right on having kids now i will never have kids and you get one very confused and angry ball of emotion known more commonly as myndi Awesome. I aim to prove her wrong. I know for a fact that my only job on this earth is to be a mommy. I've come to realize that I would've made a pretty shitty missionary, (the fact that I refer to myself as a "Shitty Missionary" is proof enough) that's why I wasn't able to do that despite how badly I wanted to and instead I was given the path to get married. (which is totally fine. I'm not knocking that one bit) But ever since then all I've wanted is to have kids. my whole life is focused on that (and well getting back to a normal schedual) I've always planned on having kids. when I was little I wanted like 15. Through the years I've wheedled it down to a more manageable number-3. All this oppositon telling me to just forget about it is driving me crazy. all I have to cling onto on the "it'll happen side" is a few feelings and things like that I think i may have gotten in the last few years that I could totally be misinterpreting. But Andy- in his more aware state of mind that he is now in- has mentioned a few times that after the house thing is done we should start working on the kids thing. I dunno if he can tell that I am like dying to have some or if someone is telling him or what. but I think withing the next few months we'll get to start down that path of disapointment and heartbreak. or perhaps it'll be a cakewalk like all those sexually active and/or drug addicted teenagers and people who have no problem getting prego but can't seem to be bothered to use any kind of protection so they justify killing hundreds of innocent childred each year so they can be lazy. (bit of a sore subject. if you ever so need a soap box rant come see me about abortion.) But we'll see. I'll bet there are lots more posts on this subject. but in conclusion I may get to join the ranks of the prego army that is surrounding me sometime in the near future.

so in conclusion. Life is going pretty good except for a few things. I'm actually hoping that 4 months of deep dark depression means that I get 6-8 months of happiness. the last time I was as sad and confused an miserable as I was from about Christmas to The end of last month was when I lost my job. then after that I got engaged and got 6-8 months of everything going right... mostly. so if that pattern is following again then there is hope. But only time will tell.