So I knew it had to happen. no one makes it thru a career with the IRS without getting furloughed once. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck. The biggest part about all of this is that A) I was screwed into my number at the bottom of the list. and B) I will lose school next semester over this. Let me explain:
Part A. I am a good worker. I know it. I am willing to work my way up and do everything that is asked of me and then some. I have no errors and a production rate about average. As a good worker I expect certain things. I expect that my actions be recognized and that I get credit for them. Not publically but at least privately. I expect the managers to follow the rules and when the managers overstep/breech them (accidently or on purpose) that the union to which I belong and pay dues to every pay period do their job and correct it. Thus far in my experience at the IRS (a job that I wanted and worked towards since I was 16 I might add) none of these things have happened. I have gone to the Union a total of 6 times in my 22 months with the IRS and they have done 0 squat nada for me. Some of these were real problems (two counts of hostile work environment with a manager and one count of my evaluation being lowered without written counseling {for those of you don’t know your annual evaluation (or eval) is what gets you better paying jobs/permanent jobs(non furloughable)/or on day shifts so to have it lowered is bad enough but to have it lowered without reason because the manager and I…didn’t see eye to eye…and she was mad that she was getting kicked down from a manager to a pee-on is infuriating} ) I go to them with real breeches of the contract and they poo-poo me or make me feel like I am in the wrong for asking them to uphold the promises they have made. I am livid. I just have to hope that something will come thru….
And B) I cannot get my Tuition Payment Letter if I cannot get to my work email- which I can’t if I’m furloughed. So I can’t register for class unless I can come up with $1400 to pay for it. Awesome. What’s more I can’t turn in my grades to prove that I upheld my side of the agreement and passed so they will prolly say I owe them money when I come back. I’m livid. I guess we’ll see
Well after 8 hours of furlough I’m going nuts. I’ve decided to go to the gym 5 days a week for a few hours until I can go back to work
Lets see how this goes
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Waiting for Zaid...
I decided I'm not done yet for today, and where I'm teathered to my phone waiting for the call to come down to the hospital and see my nephew I'll vent and wallow some more.
So I took the day off work cuz Erin was getting induced today. I've sat on pins and needles all day just waiting. I cannot wait to meet him. It sounds bad but I've felt connected to Zaid since we found out Erin was preggers. I'm not sure why but I've never felt this way about any of the others. I mean I loved Clay and Lexi from day one but I didn't meet them until they were like 3 and 1. And then when Amanda got Pregnant with Austin I was.. actually really jealous. But once I got over that I was excited again. But I never really felt anymore connect to Austin than with any of the others. I dunno if it's just that I didn't spend as much time with Amanda while she was prego or what but for whatever reason I just never felt as close to him. Also he cries everytime I touch him. I still love him but I think I've made my point.
Zaid on the other hand, I attribute it to the fact that Paul was gone almost all of Erins pregnancy working in Iraq. I mowed Erins lawn for her all summer and got to go with her to register for her baby shower. It was so neat and I will forever be grateful for the experience. As clueless as we were in the store (how many of these will I need. Oh I dunno. We shoulda brought Amanda huh?) it was so much fun. I've talked to him a few times thru Erins tummy and let him know that I'm here with a whole room full of toys and no one for him to have to share them with. So when he gets mad at his parents he can call me and I will come get him. They all laugh but I'm serious. Like I said I've felt connected to him in a new way. I'd like to think that we really will be buddies and I can help him in some way. I'm not sure tho. I can't really help myself right now let alone anyone else. I'm letting myself get beaten by some setbacks. Albeit a lot of setbacks but still... So what I got screwed at work so what I have to start from the bottom yet again with managment that treats me like crap. does that mean I should curl up and die? No. I'm still going to fight at work to keep my job. or at least get something positive outta this endevor. I know that I deserve better and I know that I am willing to fight to get what I deserve. Acting like a baby is only going to make things worse. I have a valid case and I will be heard and keep going until I get results. It's unfair sure but a lot if things are. Everyone else can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It sucks. anyone who has never had to experience this has no idea what it's like. and anyone who tells me it'll happen when it's time doesn't have a clue either. I've decided that in Nov I'm going to my dr and saying I've done everything you've asked and none of it works and I need to get pregnant. Help me as is or I will find someone who will.
Anywho I'm going to go get some dinner then hopefully go meet Zaiden.
So I took the day off work cuz Erin was getting induced today. I've sat on pins and needles all day just waiting. I cannot wait to meet him. It sounds bad but I've felt connected to Zaid since we found out Erin was preggers. I'm not sure why but I've never felt this way about any of the others. I mean I loved Clay and Lexi from day one but I didn't meet them until they were like 3 and 1. And then when Amanda got Pregnant with Austin I was.. actually really jealous. But once I got over that I was excited again. But I never really felt anymore connect to Austin than with any of the others. I dunno if it's just that I didn't spend as much time with Amanda while she was prego or what but for whatever reason I just never felt as close to him. Also he cries everytime I touch him. I still love him but I think I've made my point.
Zaid on the other hand, I attribute it to the fact that Paul was gone almost all of Erins pregnancy working in Iraq. I mowed Erins lawn for her all summer and got to go with her to register for her baby shower. It was so neat and I will forever be grateful for the experience. As clueless as we were in the store (how many of these will I need. Oh I dunno. We shoulda brought Amanda huh?) it was so much fun. I've talked to him a few times thru Erins tummy and let him know that I'm here with a whole room full of toys and no one for him to have to share them with. So when he gets mad at his parents he can call me and I will come get him. They all laugh but I'm serious. Like I said I've felt connected to him in a new way. I'd like to think that we really will be buddies and I can help him in some way. I'm not sure tho. I can't really help myself right now let alone anyone else. I'm letting myself get beaten by some setbacks. Albeit a lot of setbacks but still... So what I got screwed at work so what I have to start from the bottom yet again with managment that treats me like crap. does that mean I should curl up and die? No. I'm still going to fight at work to keep my job. or at least get something positive outta this endevor. I know that I deserve better and I know that I am willing to fight to get what I deserve. Acting like a baby is only going to make things worse. I have a valid case and I will be heard and keep going until I get results. It's unfair sure but a lot if things are. Everyone else can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It sucks. anyone who has never had to experience this has no idea what it's like. and anyone who tells me it'll happen when it's time doesn't have a clue either. I've decided that in Nov I'm going to my dr and saying I've done everything you've asked and none of it works and I need to get pregnant. Help me as is or I will find someone who will.
Anywho I'm going to go get some dinner then hopefully go meet Zaiden.
the big bang theory and other ramblings
so I'm sitting here watching my newly aquired seasons of the big bang theory and I thought maybe I'd try and figure some stuff out... or wallow... prolly wallow mostly. and angrily.
so first off I had my second college midterm. 97.1% boo yah! If I only take one class at a time I can graduate college with a 4.0 in only 15.5 years. So when I am 37.5 we will have a fun graduation party. and then another 7 years later we'll have one for my masters and then another 7 years later for my doctorates. so when I am 52 approxamatly I can have the title of dr master. and everyone will refer to me as such. I may legally get my name changed to Dr Master Barnett.... yeah... but I digress. I guess I should focus on the here and now. I'm just throwing the idea out there for you three who read this ( Hi Charla, and possibly Annie and Amanda... best guess) Since you all only have 29.5 years to get used to the idea...
On to the rest of my life. I'm losing a grade and a title at work. And I'm pissed. This pilot program was shit when team one came in. we sat thru three weeks of useless training because no one knew what we would or wouldn't need. We were given the worst desk instructions ever spawned and daily. nay hourly changes for months on end. Then we were told that another team was going to be brought on and we all worried about them taking our jobs. Upper managment swore up and down that the other team was collapsaible. They would go first. now in the interest of being "fair" they have put all of us in a big pot and went by who had been there the longest and who had the best evaluation. so since I've only been there a year and have had shitty lazy power trippy managers I'm getting screwed outta a team I helped build up from the damn ground up. Oh and even better anytime I bring up a valid point about why this is bull shit I get talked in circles or told "that's just the way it is." Then they come to me and ask me to do things like show the super higher ups how to work a case or take extra cases "cuz we're super behind" but still tell me theres nothing they can do. I even got a talking to about my "attitude" after I told my boss to ask someone who would "still be on this team in a month" to take extra work. No shit I have an attitude. You want to work me like a slave then get rid of me. I feel like a whore. I've been paid for my services now I need to get out. I suppose I will start from the bottom again. I know I am better than this. I work my ass off for that place and get shit on in return. Fuck it. Fuck em. My next month will be a cake walk. I hate everyone there and I think my boss understands that I am super pissed and have no problems annoucing it. so I will spend the next two weeks enjoying my last fridays off and catching up on movies and tv shows. Anus. I'm coming back. stay the hell outta my way. I hate you . You hate me. I will try and be outta your hair as quickly as possible.
My Family has become a living hell. My father is a fuckhead and I have had about all of him I can take. Ellie has decided to move into her own aptment. She found one in layton that is afordable for her. Im so not comfortable with her living alone. But She's 18. I can't stop her. And really she has no choice. The way my father is acting right now I'm surprised my mother hasn't slept here once or twice. or infinitly. I've decided as bad of an idea as it may be to set a timeline and at the end of it if things haven't gotten better then I am stepping in. If things stay the same and my father doesn't say or do anything stupid he has til Thanksgiving to straighten the fuck up. He told my mom that He would rather sit at home alone on thanksgiving then lay eyes on the daughter that "quit the family" (which side note. I hear that phrase one more time my timeline and patience will go to zero and I cannot be held responsable for my actions.) If he is so petty as to miss thanksgivine so help me god I will spend this holiday season in jail and he will spend it in the hospital. For my whole life (but more...vigorously(?) the last 8 years or so) he's been so stubborn and stupid. However he percieves things thats the way they are and that is that. Regardless of what kinda logic or reason you put into a situation if he thinks it's this way then its this way. I'm glad Ellie chose a less destructive way of dealing with it rather than bite her tongue and then get wasted. But I still don't like the idea of her getting thrown out 2 weeks after graduation. He has always pitted us against each other. I cannot count how many times Ellie has told me in my life things like "you're the favorite" or "they can't help me cuz they are too busy helping you." It's caused a real riff in our relationship and I would give anything to change it. Between that wedge froom my father and my out of control bursts of anger and the physical manifestations of it I'm afraid that our relationship is almost irrepariable. And that makes me even more angry. I can count the number of times I've been held down and yelled at or beaten or choaked or any number of other horrible things as punishment. I'm now big enough to take on my dad and he's got nothing to hold over me. Thanksgiving is the end of my rope. I love Christmas and if he is going to ruin it then he doesn't get to be a part of it. Or my life. And from here on out I have new rules concerning him regardless of outcome. #1. He will never. ever. be allowed alone with my children. Ever. I'm not sure if even him and my mom will be left alone cuz He'll just do whatever he wants and make her cry if she tries to stop him. I love my future children too much to put them thru the Hellish nightmare that was my life. In fact if Andy or I are not there then I don't think my kids will be. I will call Ellie or call Mom or call and pay Darcy (she informed me she charges by the hour and unless I get prego in the next two months she'll be home before I have kids) He's unfit to be around children. #2 If He so much as makes a hurtful statment, joking or not, towards me, andy, ellie, mom, or my kids I will flatten his ass. I spent my whole life hearing "You were an accident anyway" (note: my parents aniversary is May 7th 1988. My birthday is Nov 5th 1988. You do the math) You know when you hear that day in and day out my whole life. and then when I would act hurt he would say "I'm only joking grow some tougher skin" Well after 22 years jokes obviously have some meaning. #3. I'm done asking for or accepting help. I will stand on my own like Ellie is being forced to. I tell my mom all the time I have extra rooms and an extra bed (type thing. aka futon). I wouldn't be surprised if she took me up on that someday. Andy knows how I feel about this so he's even been limiting his interactions with my dad. And #4. If my mother cries because of him one more time he had better be in the hospital or he soon will be. I. Will. Not. Stand. For. That. Anymore. Once more and I will need you guys to come visit me in jail. But if I have to go down there Thanksgiving and beat some sense into him all other rules will go out the window and we will go to the only rule. Mike is not allowed within 50 feet of my house. He is not to contact me or Andy or our children. I will get a restraining order if I have to. But if he tries to keep my mother from seeing me or me from seeing her I will go down there and break both his legs. I'm done with the high school bullshit.
Anywho that's about enough for this one.
so first off I had my second college midterm. 97.1% boo yah! If I only take one class at a time I can graduate college with a 4.0 in only 15.5 years. So when I am 37.5 we will have a fun graduation party. and then another 7 years later we'll have one for my masters and then another 7 years later for my doctorates. so when I am 52 approxamatly I can have the title of dr master. and everyone will refer to me as such. I may legally get my name changed to Dr Master Barnett.... yeah... but I digress. I guess I should focus on the here and now. I'm just throwing the idea out there for you three who read this ( Hi Charla, and possibly Annie and Amanda... best guess) Since you all only have 29.5 years to get used to the idea...
On to the rest of my life. I'm losing a grade and a title at work. And I'm pissed. This pilot program was shit when team one came in. we sat thru three weeks of useless training because no one knew what we would or wouldn't need. We were given the worst desk instructions ever spawned and daily. nay hourly changes for months on end. Then we were told that another team was going to be brought on and we all worried about them taking our jobs. Upper managment swore up and down that the other team was collapsaible. They would go first. now in the interest of being "fair" they have put all of us in a big pot and went by who had been there the longest and who had the best evaluation. so since I've only been there a year and have had shitty lazy power trippy managers I'm getting screwed outta a team I helped build up from the damn ground up. Oh and even better anytime I bring up a valid point about why this is bull shit I get talked in circles or told "that's just the way it is." Then they come to me and ask me to do things like show the super higher ups how to work a case or take extra cases "cuz we're super behind" but still tell me theres nothing they can do. I even got a talking to about my "attitude" after I told my boss to ask someone who would "still be on this team in a month" to take extra work. No shit I have an attitude. You want to work me like a slave then get rid of me. I feel like a whore. I've been paid for my services now I need to get out. I suppose I will start from the bottom again. I know I am better than this. I work my ass off for that place and get shit on in return. Fuck it. Fuck em. My next month will be a cake walk. I hate everyone there and I think my boss understands that I am super pissed and have no problems annoucing it. so I will spend the next two weeks enjoying my last fridays off and catching up on movies and tv shows. Anus. I'm coming back. stay the hell outta my way. I hate you . You hate me. I will try and be outta your hair as quickly as possible.
My Family has become a living hell. My father is a fuckhead and I have had about all of him I can take. Ellie has decided to move into her own aptment. She found one in layton that is afordable for her. Im so not comfortable with her living alone. But She's 18. I can't stop her. And really she has no choice. The way my father is acting right now I'm surprised my mother hasn't slept here once or twice. or infinitly. I've decided as bad of an idea as it may be to set a timeline and at the end of it if things haven't gotten better then I am stepping in. If things stay the same and my father doesn't say or do anything stupid he has til Thanksgiving to straighten the fuck up. He told my mom that He would rather sit at home alone on thanksgiving then lay eyes on the daughter that "quit the family" (which side note. I hear that phrase one more time my timeline and patience will go to zero and I cannot be held responsable for my actions.) If he is so petty as to miss thanksgivine so help me god I will spend this holiday season in jail and he will spend it in the hospital. For my whole life (but more...vigorously(?) the last 8 years or so) he's been so stubborn and stupid. However he percieves things thats the way they are and that is that. Regardless of what kinda logic or reason you put into a situation if he thinks it's this way then its this way. I'm glad Ellie chose a less destructive way of dealing with it rather than bite her tongue and then get wasted. But I still don't like the idea of her getting thrown out 2 weeks after graduation. He has always pitted us against each other. I cannot count how many times Ellie has told me in my life things like "you're the favorite" or "they can't help me cuz they are too busy helping you." It's caused a real riff in our relationship and I would give anything to change it. Between that wedge froom my father and my out of control bursts of anger and the physical manifestations of it I'm afraid that our relationship is almost irrepariable. And that makes me even more angry. I can count the number of times I've been held down and yelled at or beaten or choaked or any number of other horrible things as punishment. I'm now big enough to take on my dad and he's got nothing to hold over me. Thanksgiving is the end of my rope. I love Christmas and if he is going to ruin it then he doesn't get to be a part of it. Or my life. And from here on out I have new rules concerning him regardless of outcome. #1. He will never. ever. be allowed alone with my children. Ever. I'm not sure if even him and my mom will be left alone cuz He'll just do whatever he wants and make her cry if she tries to stop him. I love my future children too much to put them thru the Hellish nightmare that was my life. In fact if Andy or I are not there then I don't think my kids will be. I will call Ellie or call Mom or call and pay Darcy (she informed me she charges by the hour and unless I get prego in the next two months she'll be home before I have kids) He's unfit to be around children. #2 If He so much as makes a hurtful statment, joking or not, towards me, andy, ellie, mom, or my kids I will flatten his ass. I spent my whole life hearing "You were an accident anyway" (note: my parents aniversary is May 7th 1988. My birthday is Nov 5th 1988. You do the math) You know when you hear that day in and day out my whole life. and then when I would act hurt he would say "I'm only joking grow some tougher skin" Well after 22 years jokes obviously have some meaning. #3. I'm done asking for or accepting help. I will stand on my own like Ellie is being forced to. I tell my mom all the time I have extra rooms and an extra bed (type thing. aka futon). I wouldn't be surprised if she took me up on that someday. Andy knows how I feel about this so he's even been limiting his interactions with my dad. And #4. If my mother cries because of him one more time he had better be in the hospital or he soon will be. I. Will. Not. Stand. For. That. Anymore. Once more and I will need you guys to come visit me in jail. But if I have to go down there Thanksgiving and beat some sense into him all other rules will go out the window and we will go to the only rule. Mike is not allowed within 50 feet of my house. He is not to contact me or Andy or our children. I will get a restraining order if I have to. But if he tries to keep my mother from seeing me or me from seeing her I will go down there and break both his legs. I'm done with the high school bullshit.
Anywho that's about enough for this one.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Im back
as requested a few months agoin a comment telegraph ( thanks Charla) I am going to post another blog. also I am done with my homework and have a few hours until andy gets home so I will revert back to blogging and try and catch up.
Number one. We got the house and a dog. We're still not unpacked (I hope to have it done by the time darcy gets back next december)Im not even close to good at blogging so if you want to see a picture of the dog you'll have to get on facebook when I get around to posting them( sorry charla.) Its a whole new step in my life. I love having a house. it took some getting used to but I finally feel like this is my home. I still think its haunted but its getting less creepy. Ive settled down in marrage life and I think that is a big reason I have grown to love this place. But on the flip side I sometimes feel traped. I now have responsibilities. Everyone has been telling me lately that I am so lucky to have a house at 21. But I worked my whole life for this. I didn't buy a car til I was 18 and I bought a cheap used one (that i love.) with no extras and paid it off and plan to have it til it dies or I have too many kids to fit in a tercel (2). I didn't get a credit card til last year and even then its a very small amount. I have worked hard to keep my credit good and worked even harder to build andys back up. I had a fire lit under my ass from day one and worked hard to get into a better job and have been working hard ever since to keep trying to move up. I have earned this house. I feel like when people attribute it to luck and good timing they are minimizing the work I put in my whole life to getting this house. Luck and good timing did have something to do with it but really it was my hard headedness and God's help that got us into this house.
I got the cutest dog on the planet. Her name is Mesha and she is so-o cute! She's about 6 years old and we got her from pets mart. We went into petsmart and they had all these cages lined up. She was in the last one and I turned the corner and fell in love. She was so cute and scared. We bought her and took her home. she was skittish and hard to control at first but now she is an irreversable part of the family. The cat has even adjusted. they aren't friends but the cat will move around and be near the dog and the dog doesn't try and eat the cat. She is half blue healer and half brittney. She is the dog of my dreams. When she wags her tail it goes in a circle like a helicopter and she always has a stuffed toy in her mouth. She stands at the door when we leave and is sometimes still there when we get back. just waiting. Shes good about having her ears pulled or rough housing. Its so nice and cute. I love her so much and she is my dog. for the first time in my life I have a dog that is mine. no one can tell me how to raise her or discipline her.
thats all for now cuz I am super tired. I have a feeling I will be back shortly tho
Number one. We got the house and a dog. We're still not unpacked (I hope to have it done by the time darcy gets back next december)Im not even close to good at blogging so if you want to see a picture of the dog you'll have to get on facebook when I get around to posting them( sorry charla.) Its a whole new step in my life. I love having a house. it took some getting used to but I finally feel like this is my home. I still think its haunted but its getting less creepy. Ive settled down in marrage life and I think that is a big reason I have grown to love this place. But on the flip side I sometimes feel traped. I now have responsibilities. Everyone has been telling me lately that I am so lucky to have a house at 21. But I worked my whole life for this. I didn't buy a car til I was 18 and I bought a cheap used one (that i love.) with no extras and paid it off and plan to have it til it dies or I have too many kids to fit in a tercel (2). I didn't get a credit card til last year and even then its a very small amount. I have worked hard to keep my credit good and worked even harder to build andys back up. I had a fire lit under my ass from day one and worked hard to get into a better job and have been working hard ever since to keep trying to move up. I have earned this house. I feel like when people attribute it to luck and good timing they are minimizing the work I put in my whole life to getting this house. Luck and good timing did have something to do with it but really it was my hard headedness and God's help that got us into this house.
I got the cutest dog on the planet. Her name is Mesha and she is so-o cute! She's about 6 years old and we got her from pets mart. We went into petsmart and they had all these cages lined up. She was in the last one and I turned the corner and fell in love. She was so cute and scared. We bought her and took her home. she was skittish and hard to control at first but now she is an irreversable part of the family. The cat has even adjusted. they aren't friends but the cat will move around and be near the dog and the dog doesn't try and eat the cat. She is half blue healer and half brittney. She is the dog of my dreams. When she wags her tail it goes in a circle like a helicopter and she always has a stuffed toy in her mouth. She stands at the door when we leave and is sometimes still there when we get back. just waiting. Shes good about having her ears pulled or rough housing. Its so nice and cute. I love her so much and she is my dog. for the first time in my life I have a dog that is mine. no one can tell me how to raise her or discipline her.
thats all for now cuz I am super tired. I have a feeling I will be back shortly tho
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Sunflower Seeds.
Just a random musing from work today.
I was eating sunflower seeds today(I've picked that habit back up again) and I realized they are kinda like life. It doesn't seem to matter how many delicious salty perfectly cooked ones you find there will always be one that is burned or rotten or just yucky. And when you find that one yucky one you focus on that one. at least I do. That is like my life. Almost everything can be going just fine and then all of a sudden something with the house does go thru as fast as I would like it too or my ipod gets dropped in the toilet and stops working and I let it ruin my whold day. Just like I let that one yucky seed ruin a whole bag of perfectly good ones. Just an observation I made while sitting in silence at work cuz my ipod wasn't working.
I was eating sunflower seeds today(I've picked that habit back up again) and I realized they are kinda like life. It doesn't seem to matter how many delicious salty perfectly cooked ones you find there will always be one that is burned or rotten or just yucky. And when you find that one yucky one you focus on that one. at least I do. That is like my life. Almost everything can be going just fine and then all of a sudden something with the house does go thru as fast as I would like it too or my ipod gets dropped in the toilet and stops working and I let it ruin my whold day. Just like I let that one yucky seed ruin a whole bag of perfectly good ones. Just an observation I made while sitting in silence at work cuz my ipod wasn't working.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
might as well...
I'm up really early and my stomach is turning with nervousness for what may come today so i figured I would blog a little to try and calm myself down so i can have a few more hours sleep before trying to tackle another 10 plus hour day on 2 hours sleep... maybe 2 and a half.
I think I'm really liking my new shift. aside from the fact that I feel like all I do is work and sleep monday-thursday having a 3 day weekend every week is worth it. now if only I could get them to give me this shift on days I'd be set.
I've decided that sitting around waiting to find out that I didn't even make these rosters I haven't heard from yet is killing me. between the house stuff, my sisters shit she is pulling and working the worst shift possible has made me a grumpy beast. so if I haven't heard anything by noon I'm calling the contact numbers on these jobs and finding out if I'm even on the list or just waiting to get another rejection letter. it'll basically make or break.. well everything. My whole old unit got to go to days as did my good buddy Daniel and sounds like it won't be long til Andy does. I'm apparently the only person that can't get a day job. I'm sick of having to work super hard for everything in my life. Jobs, possesions, recognition. Since Jr high nothing has come easy for me except drinking and messing up my life. I paper the town trying to get anyone to hire me for my first job. finally 100 plus applications and interviews later I get a crappy fast food job at Wendy's. I work there for 3 years being the go to person for 2.5 of those years and at the end of it I am still a minimum wage crew member doing the work for a manager without the pay or title. I then go to files and work my ass off there to become a walking IRM (procedural manual basically) of how things are done only to get laid off at the end of that year. i then paper the town again for 6 weeks with 4 years of working experience behind me cuz no one will still hire me. and on top of that I can't even collect unemployment cuz I go to school during the day. so I then while being unemployed and being contiunally turned down for jobs I also am in the middle of a fight to get unemployment as an honest american citizen when any lazy slob or illegal can go collect every week no problem. I finally have to take a shitty CSR job and then 4 weeks later get my unemployment I'm due. Now I am being skipped over for irs jobs and mocked by 2 irs buildings that I have to see every day. I finally 6 months later get an irs job on swings and get jerked around for 2 weeks then get thrown into the worst unit ever. I end up being on the wrong side of the numbers so i desperatly try to jump ship and get into a new unit and put in well over 100 applications again and still hear nothing. Finally 9 months and not a day too soon get this job that I'm currently in. Despite all their promises of "you're a perfect fit to move right into ladder jobs with this training" it doesn't seem like any of us have a shot cuz everyone puts in for every ladder job and nothing. I'm sick of having to claw my way up an inch at a time while people like my sister are able to get any job they put in for no problem. I've tried to be positive about the whole thing but you know what? the next person who says 'it could be worse you could have no job" is getting smacked. It could be worse. I could have a rare flesh eating desease that is slowly killing me from the inside out but I don't right now I have this. and frankly I think losing my sanity feeling trapped in a job cuz I can't go back to my old unit and take a $150 pay cut and be stuck with 3 bitches who are out for my blood and even if that happened there would be no way for me to take another $150 pay cut to go to days unless I moved up a grade cuz we are buying a house. Andy doesn't seem to understand that he needs to get his act together and get out of a 4. He's on a swing to days list and since his job exsists on days it won't take long. I can't tell him he can't go to days unless he goes up a grade cuz he just says things like "we'll make it work." but he talks about going golfing and going to movies and stuff if he got to days. I kinda don't see how to make him understand that if he stays a 4 and goes to days he will sit home every night not playing video games doing chores and never getting to go do anything fun cuz we'll be house broke as it is. him losing $110 a pay check will kill any chance of doing anything fun for both of us. plus I'll prolly still be stuck on nights for god knows how much longer so the resentment thing will come into play no matter how hard I try not to. it'll bad deal. Maybe I'm being selfish and can't see the big picture but I don't see any good coming out of this. at all. basically I'm sick of waiting. I wish it was noon already so i could just call and get this over with. I never knew I could hate a shift this much. I just wanna be on days and feel normal. is that so fucking mutch to ask? I come to work every day. I'm honest if I'm late. Yes I do take longer breaks and lunches than I'm supposed to but who can say they don't? no one in the irs. that's for damn sure. I am dependable to get my work done on time and even pick up the slack for others. I'm a quick learner and a great trainer. I may offend people with some of the things I say but people at the irs are too sensitive anyway for the most part. and I may be a little unbalenced at times but when you can't control how anything is going in your life aren't we all a little emotionally streached? arg! enough about this I'm more worked up than when I began... fingers crossed I hear good news I guess all I can do is wait another 5 hours...
speaking of the house. I have no new news. they should've done the appraisal and inspection this weekend sometime and after that is done we should be clear to have it in 2 weeks or so. again not a whole lot to do but wait. All this waiting...ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now to my sister. she is becoming an idiot since turning 18. hanging out with way too old for her guys with kids from other relationships and way too old for her girls and people the rest of the family isn't comfortable with. then when i tell her I'm not comfortable with any of this she tells me I don't understand. Right I don't fucking understand what it's like to deal with dad and his mood swings or graduating high schhol and having to figure out your life or working two jobs (but I worked 70 hours a week at my two jobs. not fucking 10.. total) or stressing about all of this rolled into one. I've never had to deal with any of that ever. certainly not you know 4 years ago. Don't fucking tell me I don't understand. You don't understand. You've never had to deal with real life for even a second. you've never had to work a job you hate. You have the luxurey of getting whatever job you want. and if you don't like it. you'll quit and have a new job in a week. So let me break it down for you Dad is right. you are a people user. Exhibit A. You've gone thru more "boyfriends" in the last year than I have ever had in my life. I don't think you keep them around for more than a month or so. ever. you let them buy you things and take you places and tell you how pretty you are and that they love you then you dump them and leave them heartbroken for the next "hotter" better not all used up guy. Guy or girl that makes you a sleezeball and a slut. Exhibit B. Darcy has been my best friend since grade school. she always will be my best friend (female). I can tell her anything and anything I can't tell her I shouldn't be doing. despite 3 years of almost never seeing or talking to Darcy I still feel as close to her as ever. Steph has been a good friend since grade school as well. Still is. My group from jr high and high school? for the most part the 12 of us are still in connection and still friends. Tara, Lana, Charla? Still in connection with them. still good friends (at least I think so.) I add to my circle of friends I don't
puch people out to make room for others. Lets look at your Friend history. Ally? good friend til you got "hot" then all of a sudden in jr high she was "too busy" for you (not what she said btw. I asked her wednesday when I saw her she says you left them) Emily? too busy for you.. really? Tesha? Her mom drove us apart. really? she was always tolerable of you when I was around at the very least. sometimes she even seemed downright nice. Michelle. She did screw up. I'll admit that. choosing her boyfriend over you. but she tried to apologize and you snubbed her. people make mistakes. she deserved at least a second chance...cautiously. so your group of 4 from childhood you have no contact with now. amazing. lets see every time I turn around you have a new "BFF" and a new group of friends. all of which I hate. i couldn't name any of them except for amie who i hate. She is a snot and a bitch. And I think Amie was stalking your exbf sam so I think you two are on the outs now. What is the common denomiator here? you. Have I made my point yet? well if not watch mean girls and see how you act. just like Cady? wow. as far as you wanting to go to college. I don't see how you think it'll be any different than high school which you barely manage to go to and pass. Except that in college you pay them and they could give a shit whether you pass or fail as long as your check clears. so good luck with that. and as far as this I don't wanna live anymore God hates me and so I'm just going to throw up everything I eat and hang out with lowlifes and dumb asses to prove how much everyone hates me then yell at anyone who tries to help me crap. Well number one I'm sure God isn't too thrilled with the choices you are making but he doesn't hate you. and If I ever hear you say that again I will box your ears in. Number two if my mother ever. EVER calls me crying like that again you had better be in the hospital or you will be in the hospital. Number three. If I ever hear you treating my mother the way you were last week when she brought you over here for a blessing You will need a new blessing. the got her ass whooped by her sister kind. You may be 18 but you are still my little sister and i will still kick your ass if you need it. and that is my mother you are talking to. The woman who gave me life and taught me everything. The woman who is willing to drop everything and let me curl up in a ball and cry until i throw up if I need to. The woman I want to be just like someday and The woman who I cried for when my life and marraige felt like it was in the toilet. You. Will. Not. Talk. To. Her. Like. That. Again. EVER! I realize i caused her a lot of grief in my time and you know what? I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that. and this is part of it. And Number four. This self harm crap is done. Until you stop all this crap you are no longer welcome to use my house as a refuge. And I've told andy my feelings and he said he will respect my wishes. Quite franlly til you stop going out with losers and harming yourself I will side with dad. and andy will side with me. if that means that you consider me an enemy then so be it. you have no idea how bad things can and will get for you if you keep this up. But your choice
well that is all. now that I am cried out and angried up I think I will try to sleep. HA!
I think I'm really liking my new shift. aside from the fact that I feel like all I do is work and sleep monday-thursday having a 3 day weekend every week is worth it. now if only I could get them to give me this shift on days I'd be set.
I've decided that sitting around waiting to find out that I didn't even make these rosters I haven't heard from yet is killing me. between the house stuff, my sisters shit she is pulling and working the worst shift possible has made me a grumpy beast. so if I haven't heard anything by noon I'm calling the contact numbers on these jobs and finding out if I'm even on the list or just waiting to get another rejection letter. it'll basically make or break.. well everything. My whole old unit got to go to days as did my good buddy Daniel and sounds like it won't be long til Andy does. I'm apparently the only person that can't get a day job. I'm sick of having to work super hard for everything in my life. Jobs, possesions, recognition. Since Jr high nothing has come easy for me except drinking and messing up my life. I paper the town trying to get anyone to hire me for my first job. finally 100 plus applications and interviews later I get a crappy fast food job at Wendy's. I work there for 3 years being the go to person for 2.5 of those years and at the end of it I am still a minimum wage crew member doing the work for a manager without the pay or title. I then go to files and work my ass off there to become a walking IRM (procedural manual basically) of how things are done only to get laid off at the end of that year. i then paper the town again for 6 weeks with 4 years of working experience behind me cuz no one will still hire me. and on top of that I can't even collect unemployment cuz I go to school during the day. so I then while being unemployed and being contiunally turned down for jobs I also am in the middle of a fight to get unemployment as an honest american citizen when any lazy slob or illegal can go collect every week no problem. I finally have to take a shitty CSR job and then 4 weeks later get my unemployment I'm due. Now I am being skipped over for irs jobs and mocked by 2 irs buildings that I have to see every day. I finally 6 months later get an irs job on swings and get jerked around for 2 weeks then get thrown into the worst unit ever. I end up being on the wrong side of the numbers so i desperatly try to jump ship and get into a new unit and put in well over 100 applications again and still hear nothing. Finally 9 months and not a day too soon get this job that I'm currently in. Despite all their promises of "you're a perfect fit to move right into ladder jobs with this training" it doesn't seem like any of us have a shot cuz everyone puts in for every ladder job and nothing. I'm sick of having to claw my way up an inch at a time while people like my sister are able to get any job they put in for no problem. I've tried to be positive about the whole thing but you know what? the next person who says 'it could be worse you could have no job" is getting smacked. It could be worse. I could have a rare flesh eating desease that is slowly killing me from the inside out but I don't right now I have this. and frankly I think losing my sanity feeling trapped in a job cuz I can't go back to my old unit and take a $150 pay cut and be stuck with 3 bitches who are out for my blood and even if that happened there would be no way for me to take another $150 pay cut to go to days unless I moved up a grade cuz we are buying a house. Andy doesn't seem to understand that he needs to get his act together and get out of a 4. He's on a swing to days list and since his job exsists on days it won't take long. I can't tell him he can't go to days unless he goes up a grade cuz he just says things like "we'll make it work." but he talks about going golfing and going to movies and stuff if he got to days. I kinda don't see how to make him understand that if he stays a 4 and goes to days he will sit home every night not playing video games doing chores and never getting to go do anything fun cuz we'll be house broke as it is. him losing $110 a pay check will kill any chance of doing anything fun for both of us. plus I'll prolly still be stuck on nights for god knows how much longer so the resentment thing will come into play no matter how hard I try not to. it'll bad deal. Maybe I'm being selfish and can't see the big picture but I don't see any good coming out of this. at all. basically I'm sick of waiting. I wish it was noon already so i could just call and get this over with. I never knew I could hate a shift this much. I just wanna be on days and feel normal. is that so fucking mutch to ask? I come to work every day. I'm honest if I'm late. Yes I do take longer breaks and lunches than I'm supposed to but who can say they don't? no one in the irs. that's for damn sure. I am dependable to get my work done on time and even pick up the slack for others. I'm a quick learner and a great trainer. I may offend people with some of the things I say but people at the irs are too sensitive anyway for the most part. and I may be a little unbalenced at times but when you can't control how anything is going in your life aren't we all a little emotionally streached? arg! enough about this I'm more worked up than when I began... fingers crossed I hear good news I guess all I can do is wait another 5 hours...
speaking of the house. I have no new news. they should've done the appraisal and inspection this weekend sometime and after that is done we should be clear to have it in 2 weeks or so. again not a whole lot to do but wait. All this waiting...ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now to my sister. she is becoming an idiot since turning 18. hanging out with way too old for her guys with kids from other relationships and way too old for her girls and people the rest of the family isn't comfortable with. then when i tell her I'm not comfortable with any of this she tells me I don't understand. Right I don't fucking understand what it's like to deal with dad and his mood swings or graduating high schhol and having to figure out your life or working two jobs (but I worked 70 hours a week at my two jobs. not fucking 10.. total) or stressing about all of this rolled into one. I've never had to deal with any of that ever. certainly not you know 4 years ago. Don't fucking tell me I don't understand. You don't understand. You've never had to deal with real life for even a second. you've never had to work a job you hate. You have the luxurey of getting whatever job you want. and if you don't like it. you'll quit and have a new job in a week. So let me break it down for you Dad is right. you are a people user. Exhibit A. You've gone thru more "boyfriends" in the last year than I have ever had in my life. I don't think you keep them around for more than a month or so. ever. you let them buy you things and take you places and tell you how pretty you are and that they love you then you dump them and leave them heartbroken for the next "hotter" better not all used up guy. Guy or girl that makes you a sleezeball and a slut. Exhibit B. Darcy has been my best friend since grade school. she always will be my best friend (female). I can tell her anything and anything I can't tell her I shouldn't be doing. despite 3 years of almost never seeing or talking to Darcy I still feel as close to her as ever. Steph has been a good friend since grade school as well. Still is. My group from jr high and high school? for the most part the 12 of us are still in connection and still friends. Tara, Lana, Charla? Still in connection with them. still good friends (at least I think so.) I add to my circle of friends I don't
puch people out to make room for others. Lets look at your Friend history. Ally? good friend til you got "hot" then all of a sudden in jr high she was "too busy" for you (not what she said btw. I asked her wednesday when I saw her she says you left them) Emily? too busy for you.. really? Tesha? Her mom drove us apart. really? she was always tolerable of you when I was around at the very least. sometimes she even seemed downright nice. Michelle. She did screw up. I'll admit that. choosing her boyfriend over you. but she tried to apologize and you snubbed her. people make mistakes. she deserved at least a second chance...cautiously. so your group of 4 from childhood you have no contact with now. amazing. lets see every time I turn around you have a new "BFF" and a new group of friends. all of which I hate. i couldn't name any of them except for amie who i hate. She is a snot and a bitch. And I think Amie was stalking your exbf sam so I think you two are on the outs now. What is the common denomiator here? you. Have I made my point yet? well if not watch mean girls and see how you act. just like Cady? wow. as far as you wanting to go to college. I don't see how you think it'll be any different than high school which you barely manage to go to and pass. Except that in college you pay them and they could give a shit whether you pass or fail as long as your check clears. so good luck with that. and as far as this I don't wanna live anymore God hates me and so I'm just going to throw up everything I eat and hang out with lowlifes and dumb asses to prove how much everyone hates me then yell at anyone who tries to help me crap. Well number one I'm sure God isn't too thrilled with the choices you are making but he doesn't hate you. and If I ever hear you say that again I will box your ears in. Number two if my mother ever. EVER calls me crying like that again you had better be in the hospital or you will be in the hospital. Number three. If I ever hear you treating my mother the way you were last week when she brought you over here for a blessing You will need a new blessing. the got her ass whooped by her sister kind. You may be 18 but you are still my little sister and i will still kick your ass if you need it. and that is my mother you are talking to. The woman who gave me life and taught me everything. The woman who is willing to drop everything and let me curl up in a ball and cry until i throw up if I need to. The woman I want to be just like someday and The woman who I cried for when my life and marraige felt like it was in the toilet. You. Will. Not. Talk. To. Her. Like. That. Again. EVER! I realize i caused her a lot of grief in my time and you know what? I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that. and this is part of it. And Number four. This self harm crap is done. Until you stop all this crap you are no longer welcome to use my house as a refuge. And I've told andy my feelings and he said he will respect my wishes. Quite franlly til you stop going out with losers and harming yourself I will side with dad. and andy will side with me. if that means that you consider me an enemy then so be it. you have no idea how bad things can and will get for you if you keep this up. But your choice
well that is all. now that I am cried out and angried up I think I will try to sleep. HA!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
It's been a while
So I realized it's been like a month since I last updated. but working on nights seems to make your whole life blend together. so here is an update.
1) We got approved for a house loan. It's called the FHA loan and basically it allows you to put all of your closing costs and down payments and things like that into the loan. It's a super sweet deal. We're running around like mad men trying to get into a contract before the end of the month so we can maybe qualify for that tax credit next year. It's actually really stressfull and if we don't make the April 30th deadline I think I may reconsider. the more I think about buying a house the more stressed I get. Stupid growing up. worrying about bills and budgets and all that crap. But I am kinda leaving this one up to... fate? God? whatever you want to call it. The market is prime right now for a house and I am all for not having noisy neighbors downstairs and being able to have a dog or two and being able to hang things up and all that. but at the same time I also worry about being "house broke" and hurting the credit (again) I've worked so hard to build (again). I guess we'll see what happens right?
2) The IRS approved me to go back to school this fall. YAY! I've never been so happy to get to go to school. I'm only allowed 2 classes a semester and if I don't pass then I have to pay back the IRS with interest (great incentive right?) but it's free and the classes I have picked out should help me move within the IRS. I figure if they will approve all my classes I need (doubtful but one can hope) I can have my degree in 5 years. I know I'm a few years late in starting but after watching what just an associates in accounting did for my friend Daniel I'm all for it. Weber State Here I come
3) I got my 4/10's shift at my job with every friday off starting next week. I'm super pumped about that. It'll give me a day to be normal. I hope it'll help me cope with my super sucky zombie life that I am forced to live until my shameless whoreing for day jobs finally pays off. I never thought I would want a day job so badly. And yet today I found myself spending a half an hour introducing myself to higher ups at a job fair as "Hi my name is Myndi Barnett. Does your department have day jobs and how do I get them?" I think most of them thought I was joking. but hey if that's what it takes to get them to remeber my name then so be it. I'm hoping that the lines of "This job's experience will give you a leg up on the compition for the ladder positions"(which happen to have many day shifts) coupled with my never missing an opportunity to tell anyone I meet the ridiclous things I would do to get on day shift. (This weeks answer Quote 'Put a puffer fish in my shoe and run around the building' end quote)and my pulling of every string I can even think to find along with trying to be a great employee will pay off soon. God seems to be giving me a little break lately. I know it's asking a lot but if you could just let me have this one last thing.. well I'd like to hope that it would be benificial in some way but in reality I'm just so sick of nights I could scream. It's making me grumpy and short with everyone I meet. I'm deathly afraid that Andy will move to days (cuz the more I talk about my NEED to be on days for my sanity the more he says I think I want to go to days again. And his job exsists on days. whereas my exact job does not)before I can and that old monster resentment will rear it's ugly head. But I got my fridays off so I can start going back to the terrace and having a night off and trying to stay sane til I prove myself worthy of a day job. Or they take pity on me. Whatever gets me on a normal schedual again. I'm not picky.
4) Darcy Finally got her mission call. She is going to the Ohmaha Nebraska Winter Quarters Mission. Yay! I may actually be able to send her more than 3 letters her whole mission (sorry Angi. see #3 the post office is not open when I am up in my zombie state. You can blame the IRS) On the 28th She is going thru the temple and has invited me to go along. I am so proud of her for these choices and so very honored that she would include me in her day. Way to go Darc! You'll do great!
5) Daniel-See #2- Was ordained an Elder last sunday. He also invited us to be there when he was ordained and it was amazing. I am so proud of him and the choices he has made since I met him 2 years ago at files. I cannot wait for Aug to see him and his wife and son be sealed toether for time and all eternity. Way to go Daniel! I know how hard you've worked for this and you deserve it.
6) Steph Got engaged and is getting married in june (23rd I believe). She looks so happy and Allen really does care. I don't know him very well but you can see it. I'm super happy for them both. Best of luck.
7) Things with me and andy have never been better. We bottomed out a few weeks ago and had the mother of all fights. it lasted all night. we didn't go to work the next day cuz of it. He was ready to move back with his parents and I never knew how strongly I felt about all of this til then. I basically told him that if he left that he would leave with theclothes on his back and a single man who couldn't keep a promise to his God , his family, his wife or himself. Durring this massive fight we were able to weed through the minor stupid things and get to one of the major problems in this whole thing. 3 Guesses what it was? yeah. The games. well the computer in general. After a long talk in which he finally admited that is was an addiction and agreed to get help. and guess what? something stuck. he hasn't been this happy in months. Although I don't agree with depression pills and shrinks you can't argue results. at least I won't for the time being. I am thinking that he is emerging. Will there be other fights. indoubitably. Especially with my irrational behavior lately. and I know that there are things that I need to work on but this has help us so much. It's incrediable.
8) The kids thing has come up a lot lately. Apparently I missed the barnett family memo that everyone was supposed to get prego at the same time. I'm not kidding. Amanda and Erin (sister in laws that are not 9 years old) Audry (Andy's cousin who got married like 6 months before us) and at least one other cousin (whose name I don't know) on his side are prego. Add that to my plethora of friends that are prego (Heidi and Joe, Shatel and Tyler, Andrea and Jonny, Darcy's brother Kyle and his Wife Katie and Emilie and Nate off the top of my head) and a dr that keeps telling me that unless I lose over half my body weight (haha guess what doc? Tried your diet and your exercise plan and gained weight), drop my blood pressure by 50 points (again doc. Taking those pills you gave me? raises it by and average of 15 points no matter what I eat or do) and get right on having kids now i will never have kids and you get one very confused and angry ball of emotion known more commonly as myndi Awesome. I aim to prove her wrong. I know for a fact that my only job on this earth is to be a mommy. I've come to realize that I would've made a pretty shitty missionary, (the fact that I refer to myself as a "Shitty Missionary" is proof enough) that's why I wasn't able to do that despite how badly I wanted to and instead I was given the path to get married. (which is totally fine. I'm not knocking that one bit) But ever since then all I've wanted is to have kids. my whole life is focused on that (and well getting back to a normal schedual) I've always planned on having kids. when I was little I wanted like 15. Through the years I've wheedled it down to a more manageable number-3. All this oppositon telling me to just forget about it is driving me crazy. all I have to cling onto on the "it'll happen side" is a few feelings and things like that I think i may have gotten in the last few years that I could totally be misinterpreting. But Andy- in his more aware state of mind that he is now in- has mentioned a few times that after the house thing is done we should start working on the kids thing. I dunno if he can tell that I am like dying to have some or if someone is telling him or what. but I think withing the next few months we'll get to start down that path of disapointment and heartbreak. or perhaps it'll be a cakewalk like all those sexually active and/or drug addicted teenagers and people who have no problem getting prego but can't seem to be bothered to use any kind of protection so they justify killing hundreds of innocent childred each year so they can be lazy. (bit of a sore subject. if you ever so need a soap box rant come see me about abortion.) But we'll see. I'll bet there are lots more posts on this subject. but in conclusion I may get to join the ranks of the prego army that is surrounding me sometime in the near future.
so in conclusion. Life is going pretty good except for a few things. I'm actually hoping that 4 months of deep dark depression means that I get 6-8 months of happiness. the last time I was as sad and confused an miserable as I was from about Christmas to The end of last month was when I lost my job. then after that I got engaged and got 6-8 months of everything going right... mostly. so if that pattern is following again then there is hope. But only time will tell.
1) We got approved for a house loan. It's called the FHA loan and basically it allows you to put all of your closing costs and down payments and things like that into the loan. It's a super sweet deal. We're running around like mad men trying to get into a contract before the end of the month so we can maybe qualify for that tax credit next year. It's actually really stressfull and if we don't make the April 30th deadline I think I may reconsider. the more I think about buying a house the more stressed I get. Stupid growing up. worrying about bills and budgets and all that crap. But I am kinda leaving this one up to... fate? God? whatever you want to call it. The market is prime right now for a house and I am all for not having noisy neighbors downstairs and being able to have a dog or two and being able to hang things up and all that. but at the same time I also worry about being "house broke" and hurting the credit (again) I've worked so hard to build (again). I guess we'll see what happens right?
2) The IRS approved me to go back to school this fall. YAY! I've never been so happy to get to go to school. I'm only allowed 2 classes a semester and if I don't pass then I have to pay back the IRS with interest (great incentive right?) but it's free and the classes I have picked out should help me move within the IRS. I figure if they will approve all my classes I need (doubtful but one can hope) I can have my degree in 5 years. I know I'm a few years late in starting but after watching what just an associates in accounting did for my friend Daniel I'm all for it. Weber State Here I come
3) I got my 4/10's shift at my job with every friday off starting next week. I'm super pumped about that. It'll give me a day to be normal. I hope it'll help me cope with my super sucky zombie life that I am forced to live until my shameless whoreing for day jobs finally pays off. I never thought I would want a day job so badly. And yet today I found myself spending a half an hour introducing myself to higher ups at a job fair as "Hi my name is Myndi Barnett. Does your department have day jobs and how do I get them?" I think most of them thought I was joking. but hey if that's what it takes to get them to remeber my name then so be it. I'm hoping that the lines of "This job's experience will give you a leg up on the compition for the ladder positions"(which happen to have many day shifts) coupled with my never missing an opportunity to tell anyone I meet the ridiclous things I would do to get on day shift. (This weeks answer Quote 'Put a puffer fish in my shoe and run around the building' end quote)and my pulling of every string I can even think to find along with trying to be a great employee will pay off soon. God seems to be giving me a little break lately. I know it's asking a lot but if you could just let me have this one last thing.. well I'd like to hope that it would be benificial in some way but in reality I'm just so sick of nights I could scream. It's making me grumpy and short with everyone I meet. I'm deathly afraid that Andy will move to days (cuz the more I talk about my NEED to be on days for my sanity the more he says I think I want to go to days again. And his job exsists on days. whereas my exact job does not)before I can and that old monster resentment will rear it's ugly head. But I got my fridays off so I can start going back to the terrace and having a night off and trying to stay sane til I prove myself worthy of a day job. Or they take pity on me. Whatever gets me on a normal schedual again. I'm not picky.
4) Darcy Finally got her mission call. She is going to the Ohmaha Nebraska Winter Quarters Mission. Yay! I may actually be able to send her more than 3 letters her whole mission (sorry Angi. see #3 the post office is not open when I am up in my zombie state. You can blame the IRS) On the 28th She is going thru the temple and has invited me to go along. I am so proud of her for these choices and so very honored that she would include me in her day. Way to go Darc! You'll do great!
5) Daniel-See #2- Was ordained an Elder last sunday. He also invited us to be there when he was ordained and it was amazing. I am so proud of him and the choices he has made since I met him 2 years ago at files. I cannot wait for Aug to see him and his wife and son be sealed toether for time and all eternity. Way to go Daniel! I know how hard you've worked for this and you deserve it.
6) Steph Got engaged and is getting married in june (23rd I believe). She looks so happy and Allen really does care. I don't know him very well but you can see it. I'm super happy for them both. Best of luck.
7) Things with me and andy have never been better. We bottomed out a few weeks ago and had the mother of all fights. it lasted all night. we didn't go to work the next day cuz of it. He was ready to move back with his parents and I never knew how strongly I felt about all of this til then. I basically told him that if he left that he would leave with theclothes on his back and a single man who couldn't keep a promise to his God , his family, his wife or himself. Durring this massive fight we were able to weed through the minor stupid things and get to one of the major problems in this whole thing. 3 Guesses what it was? yeah. The games. well the computer in general. After a long talk in which he finally admited that is was an addiction and agreed to get help. and guess what? something stuck. he hasn't been this happy in months. Although I don't agree with depression pills and shrinks you can't argue results. at least I won't for the time being. I am thinking that he is emerging. Will there be other fights. indoubitably. Especially with my irrational behavior lately. and I know that there are things that I need to work on but this has help us so much. It's incrediable.
8) The kids thing has come up a lot lately. Apparently I missed the barnett family memo that everyone was supposed to get prego at the same time. I'm not kidding. Amanda and Erin (sister in laws that are not 9 years old) Audry (Andy's cousin who got married like 6 months before us) and at least one other cousin (whose name I don't know) on his side are prego. Add that to my plethora of friends that are prego (Heidi and Joe, Shatel and Tyler, Andrea and Jonny, Darcy's brother Kyle and his Wife Katie and Emilie and Nate off the top of my head) and a dr that keeps telling me that unless I lose over half my body weight (haha guess what doc? Tried your diet and your exercise plan and gained weight), drop my blood pressure by 50 points (again doc. Taking those pills you gave me? raises it by and average of 15 points no matter what I eat or do) and get right on having kids now i will never have kids and you get one very confused and angry ball of emotion known more commonly as myndi Awesome. I aim to prove her wrong. I know for a fact that my only job on this earth is to be a mommy. I've come to realize that I would've made a pretty shitty missionary, (the fact that I refer to myself as a "Shitty Missionary" is proof enough) that's why I wasn't able to do that despite how badly I wanted to and instead I was given the path to get married. (which is totally fine. I'm not knocking that one bit) But ever since then all I've wanted is to have kids. my whole life is focused on that (and well getting back to a normal schedual) I've always planned on having kids. when I was little I wanted like 15. Through the years I've wheedled it down to a more manageable number-3. All this oppositon telling me to just forget about it is driving me crazy. all I have to cling onto on the "it'll happen side" is a few feelings and things like that I think i may have gotten in the last few years that I could totally be misinterpreting. But Andy- in his more aware state of mind that he is now in- has mentioned a few times that after the house thing is done we should start working on the kids thing. I dunno if he can tell that I am like dying to have some or if someone is telling him or what. but I think withing the next few months we'll get to start down that path of disapointment and heartbreak. or perhaps it'll be a cakewalk like all those sexually active and/or drug addicted teenagers and people who have no problem getting prego but can't seem to be bothered to use any kind of protection so they justify killing hundreds of innocent childred each year so they can be lazy. (bit of a sore subject. if you ever so need a soap box rant come see me about abortion.) But we'll see. I'll bet there are lots more posts on this subject. but in conclusion I may get to join the ranks of the prego army that is surrounding me sometime in the near future.
so in conclusion. Life is going pretty good except for a few things. I'm actually hoping that 4 months of deep dark depression means that I get 6-8 months of happiness. the last time I was as sad and confused an miserable as I was from about Christmas to The end of last month was when I lost my job. then after that I got engaged and got 6-8 months of everything going right... mostly. so if that pattern is following again then there is hope. But only time will tell.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
well that lasted long....
Here I am back for more ventingish.
My good friend Steph just got engaged. so Congrats to her. I hope things for her and Allen work out. I miss that time. as hectic and stressful as it was it seems like things for me and Andy have gone downhill since then. But I'm super happy for her. They are planning june 23rd so hopefully Darcy will still be here and all that we'll see. Congrats Steph and Allen.
Tonight Jim and Amanda invited us over for dinner. That was super nice to get out and see Clay and Lexi and them and just visit. Thanks you guys.
Now for the venting part of the post. I'm not sure where to start but here goes
I'm pretty fed up with the state of things here. I thought we had a real breakthrough last week but it feels like that was crap. He claimed he was going to do something about it and yet nothing. I'm pretty fed up with this technology crap tho. Everything has to be about technology. Last night I went to sleep in the bed cuz I was actually tired instead of fine and then asleep like normal. He went to bed half hour earlier. I get there and he was playing solitare on his ipod. He played that for prolly another hour before I fell asleep and god knows how long after. I get up today realize I have slept thru church yet again, went out started watching tv and then was asleep again. I dunno how that happened. When I woke up andy was in on his stupid computer as always. he stayed on it til prolly 6 or 615 when we started getting ready to go to his brothers house for dinner as mentioned above. on the way there he bitched about the road being closed and 12th street being remodled. Then we didn't say anything til we got there. There he didn't say much and then proceeded to get in an argument with his brother over freaking pineapple. Really? After Dinner Amanda and I stayed in the kitchen for a while talking and Jim and Andy went out into the living room to talk. then Amanda and I went into the living room. Durring this discussion andy pulled out his phone to 'look at the time' and then proceeded to mess with it totally reverting his attention to that instead of the discussion with his brother and sister in law. really? REALLY?! That sealed it. I don't care what kinda fight there is he will not be having internet on his phone when he jumps to my plan. I will shut data off completely. This is ridiculous. Then nothing was said on the way back and then we get home I go to the bathroom and by the time I was out he was in the bedroom and hasn't come out since. You know this "depression" crap is a bull. I don't really care what anyone says. He claimes it runs in his family. Guess what? runs on both sides of mine too. and yet I've learned to deal with it. I don't spend my whole life scared and angry at everyone and everything. I don't take pills and I am hesitant to even let that be an option. those pills are a joke. Dr's just perscribe them to assuge people. the real problem is in the mind. people who take them are quitters and can't freaking deal with life. So since it's been weeks since he said he would do something about it and surprise surprise nothing has been done then I am now doing something about it. But it won't be pills and it sure as hell won't be spending life on that fucking computer. "It's how I relax" well I suggest you find a new way. this technology crap is done. He won't go to school or better himself with it and only hide behind it. the ultimatum is now. Unless tomorrow I lear something that blows me away it will be me or that computer and those fucking games. It is getting really hard for me to keep caring about someone that doesn't give a shit about himself or anything else. I'm sorry his parents didn't do this a long time ago but I sure am. And he can either choose to change or he will choose to get the fuck outta my house. But I cannot take this depressed-lazy-hide from taking reponsiblity-bullshit anymore. It's wearing on me and it's wearing on my health. I guess I better go get the number for LDSfamily services. they are getting a call tomorrow from me. My buddy Daniel recomended a great mariage councler but we are going a step farther. we are going to get a single councelor for his "depression" til that councelor and God tell me that there is no other way except pills that WILL NOT be an option. Mark my words.
My good friend Steph just got engaged. so Congrats to her. I hope things for her and Allen work out. I miss that time. as hectic and stressful as it was it seems like things for me and Andy have gone downhill since then. But I'm super happy for her. They are planning june 23rd so hopefully Darcy will still be here and all that we'll see. Congrats Steph and Allen.
Tonight Jim and Amanda invited us over for dinner. That was super nice to get out and see Clay and Lexi and them and just visit. Thanks you guys.
Now for the venting part of the post. I'm not sure where to start but here goes
I'm pretty fed up with the state of things here. I thought we had a real breakthrough last week but it feels like that was crap. He claimed he was going to do something about it and yet nothing. I'm pretty fed up with this technology crap tho. Everything has to be about technology. Last night I went to sleep in the bed cuz I was actually tired instead of fine and then asleep like normal. He went to bed half hour earlier. I get there and he was playing solitare on his ipod. He played that for prolly another hour before I fell asleep and god knows how long after. I get up today realize I have slept thru church yet again, went out started watching tv and then was asleep again. I dunno how that happened. When I woke up andy was in on his stupid computer as always. he stayed on it til prolly 6 or 615 when we started getting ready to go to his brothers house for dinner as mentioned above. on the way there he bitched about the road being closed and 12th street being remodled. Then we didn't say anything til we got there. There he didn't say much and then proceeded to get in an argument with his brother over freaking pineapple. Really? After Dinner Amanda and I stayed in the kitchen for a while talking and Jim and Andy went out into the living room to talk. then Amanda and I went into the living room. Durring this discussion andy pulled out his phone to 'look at the time' and then proceeded to mess with it totally reverting his attention to that instead of the discussion with his brother and sister in law. really? REALLY?! That sealed it. I don't care what kinda fight there is he will not be having internet on his phone when he jumps to my plan. I will shut data off completely. This is ridiculous. Then nothing was said on the way back and then we get home I go to the bathroom and by the time I was out he was in the bedroom and hasn't come out since. You know this "depression" crap is a bull. I don't really care what anyone says. He claimes it runs in his family. Guess what? runs on both sides of mine too. and yet I've learned to deal with it. I don't spend my whole life scared and angry at everyone and everything. I don't take pills and I am hesitant to even let that be an option. those pills are a joke. Dr's just perscribe them to assuge people. the real problem is in the mind. people who take them are quitters and can't freaking deal with life. So since it's been weeks since he said he would do something about it and surprise surprise nothing has been done then I am now doing something about it. But it won't be pills and it sure as hell won't be spending life on that fucking computer. "It's how I relax" well I suggest you find a new way. this technology crap is done. He won't go to school or better himself with it and only hide behind it. the ultimatum is now. Unless tomorrow I lear something that blows me away it will be me or that computer and those fucking games. It is getting really hard for me to keep caring about someone that doesn't give a shit about himself or anything else. I'm sorry his parents didn't do this a long time ago but I sure am. And he can either choose to change or he will choose to get the fuck outta my house. But I cannot take this depressed-lazy-hide from taking reponsiblity-bullshit anymore. It's wearing on me and it's wearing on my health. I guess I better go get the number for LDSfamily services. they are getting a call tomorrow from me. My buddy Daniel recomended a great mariage councler but we are going a step farther. we are going to get a single councelor for his "depression" til that councelor and God tell me that there is no other way except pills that WILL NOT be an option. Mark my words.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
okey day
So obviously a lot of people read this. I would just like to reitterate that this is used as a vent space for me. mostly. yeah. also I use it to organize my thoughts. so for all you awesome people who will some day have a nice gramatically/politically correct, well put together collection of fun memories and photos with little to no swearing to show your kids, good for you. This is not one of those blogs.
ok so moving on.things between me and Andy have gotten better. We had a real breakthrough a few nights ago and things have felt better since then. at least between us. I am still getting over a bout of homesickness but the only thought that seems to keep popping into my head is what I've told other people time and time again. "the hard scary things are the things worth doing." I think I'm just scared of the unknown. So I'm trying to muscle thru this. We'll see what happens.
Number two. I. Am. So. Sick. Of. Swing. Effing. Shit!.. I mean Shift.I thought I would love it. I absolutly HATE it. I mean I like my job-I won't go as far as to say I love it-and it is a hellova lot better than the shithole I came from(at least here I have yet to be pegged a racist by a 50 year old loser who had nothing better to do but make my life miserable, but I am sick of not having a life. I feel like crap all the time. I never get to see anyone. I can't help at the playhouse. I con't even go to the playhouse, and therefore I have become a bitch to live with. I know that. I try and keep my temper under control and let stupid things roll off, but there is only so much I can take. I have been on nights for two years. I am sick of it. I've heard a lot of people talk about how swing is the shift to move up in until you are comfortable with your job then try and get to days. and others talk about how universtiy was so much easier being on nights and how once that degree is done then it's so much easier to go to days. and Still others just say relax and see what happens this is a great place for you to be. you don't want ot be on opposite shifts as your husband. Not til you have to. To those people I say. Bah! I've done this swing shift shit long enough. If I didn't have friends I would like to see and I was content to just sit around playing video games and watching tv and being online then yes swing would be perfect. But I get antsy being cooped up. I feel like I am missing things. My best friend is leaving on a mission soon and I feel like I haven't spent any time with her since high school. She went to BYUI and I stayed here. She comes back and I am on swings and in the middle of planning a wedding. I try and plan things around my day off I get a new job and that day off is taken from me with little to no hope of gettig it back til middle of the summer the way things are going. She is working, taking university classes and preparing for a mission. we don't even really text anymore cuz we are so busy. My little sister is growing up before my eyes and I am missing it. Last time I saw her she had a seasonal christmas stint at Shopko and was trying to get on track for graduation. Now she has a perm job at shopko, a volunteer job at a retirement home, she is taking a concurrent enrollment cna class and looking at going to Utah Carrer College for vet tech this fall. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?! SO here we are again. At the brink of an assload of rejection. But I am going to get on days before I am 22 or die trying. Forests of the world. prepare yourself. cuz the IRS is about to send me hundreds of rejection letters telling me I didn't make the cut or I'm not eligable. But maybe, Just maybe, in all those day jobs someone will take pity on me and give me a chance. Or perhaps people will get sick of my bitching and moaning and bellyaching and stick me somewhere just to shut up. But I will kiss whatever ass I have to, pull whatever strings I can find to pull, say and do whatever it takes. But I am getting out of this swing shift puragtory as fast as humanly possible.
Anywho. I'm about to start a long time period of 12 hour days until I reach the 24 hour credit limit or they take it away (about 8 days I think) so I am going to attempt to get my fill in of watching tv and sleeping for the next 3 days. Cuz I have this funny feeling nither will be happening again til friday night. So for all you who may or may not read this. Night ya'll.
ok so moving on.things between me and Andy have gotten better. We had a real breakthrough a few nights ago and things have felt better since then. at least between us. I am still getting over a bout of homesickness but the only thought that seems to keep popping into my head is what I've told other people time and time again. "the hard scary things are the things worth doing." I think I'm just scared of the unknown. So I'm trying to muscle thru this. We'll see what happens.
Number two. I. Am. So. Sick. Of. Swing. Effing. Shit!.. I mean Shift.I thought I would love it. I absolutly HATE it. I mean I like my job-I won't go as far as to say I love it-and it is a hellova lot better than the shithole I came from(at least here I have yet to be pegged a racist by a 50 year old loser who had nothing better to do but make my life miserable, but I am sick of not having a life. I feel like crap all the time. I never get to see anyone. I can't help at the playhouse. I con't even go to the playhouse, and therefore I have become a bitch to live with. I know that. I try and keep my temper under control and let stupid things roll off, but there is only so much I can take. I have been on nights for two years. I am sick of it. I've heard a lot of people talk about how swing is the shift to move up in until you are comfortable with your job then try and get to days. and others talk about how universtiy was so much easier being on nights and how once that degree is done then it's so much easier to go to days. and Still others just say relax and see what happens this is a great place for you to be. you don't want ot be on opposite shifts as your husband. Not til you have to. To those people I say. Bah! I've done this swing shift shit long enough. If I didn't have friends I would like to see and I was content to just sit around playing video games and watching tv and being online then yes swing would be perfect. But I get antsy being cooped up. I feel like I am missing things. My best friend is leaving on a mission soon and I feel like I haven't spent any time with her since high school. She went to BYUI and I stayed here. She comes back and I am on swings and in the middle of planning a wedding. I try and plan things around my day off I get a new job and that day off is taken from me with little to no hope of gettig it back til middle of the summer the way things are going. She is working, taking university classes and preparing for a mission. we don't even really text anymore cuz we are so busy. My little sister is growing up before my eyes and I am missing it. Last time I saw her she had a seasonal christmas stint at Shopko and was trying to get on track for graduation. Now she has a perm job at shopko, a volunteer job at a retirement home, she is taking a concurrent enrollment cna class and looking at going to Utah Carrer College for vet tech this fall. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?! SO here we are again. At the brink of an assload of rejection. But I am going to get on days before I am 22 or die trying. Forests of the world. prepare yourself. cuz the IRS is about to send me hundreds of rejection letters telling me I didn't make the cut or I'm not eligable. But maybe, Just maybe, in all those day jobs someone will take pity on me and give me a chance. Or perhaps people will get sick of my bitching and moaning and bellyaching and stick me somewhere just to shut up. But I will kiss whatever ass I have to, pull whatever strings I can find to pull, say and do whatever it takes. But I am getting out of this swing shift puragtory as fast as humanly possible.
Anywho. I'm about to start a long time period of 12 hour days until I reach the 24 hour credit limit or they take it away (about 8 days I think) so I am going to attempt to get my fill in of watching tv and sleeping for the next 3 days. Cuz I have this funny feeling nither will be happening again til friday night. So for all you who may or may not read this. Night ya'll.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Mostly baby related
Still up to my old insomniatic ways. more thoughts. here goes (In no particular order)
I have been particularly baby hungry lately. It pretty much runs my life anymore. It has been my reason for going to the gym, reason for watching what I eat, reason for going to work and not taking time off. It's my reason for everything. It seems everywhere I look someone is pregnant or just had a baby or has 2 or three little rugrats running around. My two sister in laws that are old enough to be pregnant (Amanda, Erin) are both pregnant. A girl I grew up with (Andrea) is pregnant, my old vocal coach, cast member, and coworker (Shantel) is pregnant, and a girl from my old singles ward (Heidi) is pregnant. Another girl from the singles branch (Maddie) just had a baby recently, Daniel and Katelyn just got the Consent to adoption papers signed by Cayden's birth mother Jordan and Katelyn is always full of stories about the cute things Cayden says or does. Every one of the "gangs" kids have kids, even Hensley's Smack addicted mother has two kids that are being raised by her adulterous half lesbien half psyco mother. I Love little kids but this baby phenomonom is almost starting to make me bitter. It's almost as if God is rubbing my face in babies (and most of them are little boys. Anyone who knows me knows there is nothing I would like more than to have a couple sons running around.) My biggest fear is that I've screwed myself out of ever being able to have kids. I haven't ever taken very good care of myself and as a result I have this awesome condition called Poly Cycstic Ovarien Syndrome(PCOS). I found out that ther reason I have a lower voice, and more bodily hair than other females,very irregular periods, and a lot of other "male" attributes is cuz of this. It Basically means that my Ovaries are covered in Cysts therefore I don't ovulate very often and at very speratic times. It also causes the tesasterone in my body to be at a higher level. Basically it means I'm all out of whack. There is a lady at the terrace that has this same thing. Her name is Sally. She has been trying for prolly 5 years to get pregnant and has yet to have it happen. Hearing about her struggles has scared the crap outta me. They ended up adopting a littel girl just recently and they were so happy to have any baby-even one that has so many potential problems (the mother was a drug addict). It scares the hell outta me that someday that could be me. My friend Shantel also has a hard time getting pregnant-tho not for the same reason-and watching her try and fail and struggle and all that also just scares the living daylights out of me. I don't think I can do that. In fact I know I can't. It's stupid and petty and all that but I don't want to be the broken one. I don't want to be the one that can't have my own kids and has to take someone else's child cuz the teens can't manage to use a condom. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not saying go out and kill your unborn child. Cuz I will beat you into a bloody pulp if you can honestly speak the word 'abortion' in a sentance that starts with "I was pregnant but.." But I want my own. at least one. I want that nervousness of realizing I should prolly go get a stick to pee on. I want the excitment of watching 2 lines or a plus or whatever show up. I want all the dr's visits and excitment of telling everyone and feeling the growth and movment and all of that. Believe it or not I even want the uncomfort and the morning sickness and even the labor(a little). I want the whole shabang. I just fear that I may have fucked it all up for myself by living in the here and now for so long.
Andy doesn't seem to understand this...giant need I guess..and to be fair I've never really explained it to him and even if I tried I don't think I could explain it. I have a hard time explaining it to myself. In fact I can't figure it out at all. Up until like 2 years ago I thought all children were gross. I wanted ntohing to do with them til they were out of high school. The all of a sudden it's like I decided they weren't all that bad. and now I crave one.(Or 3)I'm even ok with the hard stuff. Lexi (niece) was having some serious problems yesterday (she has an auto immune deficiency her body kills her blood platlets and therefore somehow causes sever bruising they can treat it tho) and so we watched Clay for a while and worried about our cute little neice and our family sunday. Everything calmed down about 3 am which wouldn't've been a big deal for me if I had slept til 1 pm like I normally do but I got up at 930 to got to church and had been nervous since I had gotten home. I was exahusted. And the thought came into my head. "are you ready for this? Are you sure this is what you want? Could you do this?" I thought about it for a minute and all I could come up with was "I won't know until I try"(my motto for most everything except trying new foods) hearing Clay Screaming for his Mommy broke my heart. But it also made me want that. I want someone to scream for me when it's bedtime and I'm not around. I want someone to hear me in the kitchen and come running in wanting to help and getting into things even after I've told them a hundred times to not to play with that and then they smile and pretend they aren't doing it. I want someone to come crawl up next to me when the water heater turns on cuz they are scared and just being near me makes it better. I've been watching movies lately about troubled kids (it's not that I pick them more like the movies I have a sudden urge to watch deal with that) and all I can think of is what happens if my kid turns out like tb that? can I handle it? Can I break the Dabb cycle and have the home I always imagined? so many unanswerable questions. Obviously the problems between me and Andy are kinda major and have yet to be resolved. I feel so selfish for even thinking about wanting to bring another soul into this before we settle it that it makes me want to vomit. And yet, I can't stop thinking about it. and I am not the best example. I went to church last week for the first time since before we got married. and the coolest thing was I didn't feel out of place in that ward. I was comfortable enough to speak and share my ideas even on day one class one.
I dunno. I guess I'll deal with one bridge at a time. First I will deal with fixing my spiritual relationship as well as my marital relationship( I have this funny feeling that the two will end up being linked). Then I will worry about the offspring thing.
But I'll never know what I can handle until I'm given a chance to try.
I have been particularly baby hungry lately. It pretty much runs my life anymore. It has been my reason for going to the gym, reason for watching what I eat, reason for going to work and not taking time off. It's my reason for everything. It seems everywhere I look someone is pregnant or just had a baby or has 2 or three little rugrats running around. My two sister in laws that are old enough to be pregnant (Amanda, Erin) are both pregnant. A girl I grew up with (Andrea) is pregnant, my old vocal coach, cast member, and coworker (Shantel) is pregnant, and a girl from my old singles ward (Heidi) is pregnant. Another girl from the singles branch (Maddie) just had a baby recently, Daniel and Katelyn just got the Consent to adoption papers signed by Cayden's birth mother Jordan and Katelyn is always full of stories about the cute things Cayden says or does. Every one of the "gangs" kids have kids, even Hensley's Smack addicted mother has two kids that are being raised by her adulterous half lesbien half psyco mother. I Love little kids but this baby phenomonom is almost starting to make me bitter. It's almost as if God is rubbing my face in babies (and most of them are little boys. Anyone who knows me knows there is nothing I would like more than to have a couple sons running around.) My biggest fear is that I've screwed myself out of ever being able to have kids. I haven't ever taken very good care of myself and as a result I have this awesome condition called Poly Cycstic Ovarien Syndrome(PCOS). I found out that ther reason I have a lower voice, and more bodily hair than other females,very irregular periods, and a lot of other "male" attributes is cuz of this. It Basically means that my Ovaries are covered in Cysts therefore I don't ovulate very often and at very speratic times. It also causes the tesasterone in my body to be at a higher level. Basically it means I'm all out of whack. There is a lady at the terrace that has this same thing. Her name is Sally. She has been trying for prolly 5 years to get pregnant and has yet to have it happen. Hearing about her struggles has scared the crap outta me. They ended up adopting a littel girl just recently and they were so happy to have any baby-even one that has so many potential problems (the mother was a drug addict). It scares the hell outta me that someday that could be me. My friend Shantel also has a hard time getting pregnant-tho not for the same reason-and watching her try and fail and struggle and all that also just scares the living daylights out of me. I don't think I can do that. In fact I know I can't. It's stupid and petty and all that but I don't want to be the broken one. I don't want to be the one that can't have my own kids and has to take someone else's child cuz the teens can't manage to use a condom. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not saying go out and kill your unborn child. Cuz I will beat you into a bloody pulp if you can honestly speak the word 'abortion' in a sentance that starts with "I was pregnant but.." But I want my own. at least one. I want that nervousness of realizing I should prolly go get a stick to pee on. I want the excitment of watching 2 lines or a plus or whatever show up. I want all the dr's visits and excitment of telling everyone and feeling the growth and movment and all of that. Believe it or not I even want the uncomfort and the morning sickness and even the labor(a little). I want the whole shabang. I just fear that I may have fucked it all up for myself by living in the here and now for so long.
Andy doesn't seem to understand this...giant need I guess..and to be fair I've never really explained it to him and even if I tried I don't think I could explain it. I have a hard time explaining it to myself. In fact I can't figure it out at all. Up until like 2 years ago I thought all children were gross. I wanted ntohing to do with them til they were out of high school. The all of a sudden it's like I decided they weren't all that bad. and now I crave one.(Or 3)I'm even ok with the hard stuff. Lexi (niece) was having some serious problems yesterday (she has an auto immune deficiency her body kills her blood platlets and therefore somehow causes sever bruising they can treat it tho) and so we watched Clay for a while and worried about our cute little neice and our family sunday. Everything calmed down about 3 am which wouldn't've been a big deal for me if I had slept til 1 pm like I normally do but I got up at 930 to got to church and had been nervous since I had gotten home. I was exahusted. And the thought came into my head. "are you ready for this? Are you sure this is what you want? Could you do this?" I thought about it for a minute and all I could come up with was "I won't know until I try"(my motto for most everything except trying new foods) hearing Clay Screaming for his Mommy broke my heart. But it also made me want that. I want someone to scream for me when it's bedtime and I'm not around. I want someone to hear me in the kitchen and come running in wanting to help and getting into things even after I've told them a hundred times to not to play with that and then they smile and pretend they aren't doing it. I want someone to come crawl up next to me when the water heater turns on cuz they are scared and just being near me makes it better. I've been watching movies lately about troubled kids (it's not that I pick them more like the movies I have a sudden urge to watch deal with that) and all I can think of is what happens if my kid turns out like tb that? can I handle it? Can I break the Dabb cycle and have the home I always imagined? so many unanswerable questions. Obviously the problems between me and Andy are kinda major and have yet to be resolved. I feel so selfish for even thinking about wanting to bring another soul into this before we settle it that it makes me want to vomit. And yet, I can't stop thinking about it. and I am not the best example. I went to church last week for the first time since before we got married. and the coolest thing was I didn't feel out of place in that ward. I was comfortable enough to speak and share my ideas even on day one class one.
I dunno. I guess I'll deal with one bridge at a time. First I will deal with fixing my spiritual relationship as well as my marital relationship( I have this funny feeling that the two will end up being linked). Then I will worry about the offspring thing.
But I'll never know what I can handle until I'm given a chance to try.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Thoughts
Hiya. More random thoughts to try and sort out. I'm not even going to attempt to put them in any order. (It's not like any of my blogs ever turn out that way anyway) Let's just file this one under stream of conscienceness-or however that is spelled maybe I need to borrow annie's super smart kids to proofread my blogs.
Well we had our first big fight. Nothing got resolved. At first I thought it did but tonight has shown me that nothing did. We argued and yelled and I felt like a jackass and all that. Seems he doesn't feel like he can talk to me. Which may be true. But I can't fix it if he doesn't try to talk to me. Which seems to be the path most taken lately. Which just exasserbates the problem more. But we'll get into that later. I have my own ideas about what is going on. My theory is that he is letting people from childhood run his life today. He often talks vaguely about how he hates it when people take teasing too far or something of the like. He's never even told me. (which really isn't surprising lately see above) but I think I might be on the right path by his reactions when I bring it up. My feelings? Everyone gets teased until they cry at some point in their life. You can't let it follow you forever. I have struggled with it every once in a while but you know. I found a way around it. It still creeps up into my mind every once in a while. but I've turned it into a positive. I don;t want to be the fat awkward kid anymore. so I got the p90x disks and joined a gym to lose weight. I didn't want to be the quiet shy picked on kid so I started doing plays cuz I loved going and watching them. And by doing that I met a whole lot of people with the same interests as I. Also I found something I was good at. Which further boosted my self esteem A lot of good has come from that playhouse. I met Lana there. And from her I met Tara and Charla. All of which have been instramental in my lifestyle changes. I look up to each and every one of them as I would a sister. Charla used to take me to do baptism's for the dead and 6 am every saturday. I am not a morning person but I would willingly get up every saturday at 5:15 shower, get dressed, drive to roy to pick her up (cuz at the time she didn't have her own car) and we would go do baptisms. It was awesome. Tara was able to take me thru the temple my first time. I've always felt a connection with her. We've had similar family/church situations so she has always been able to give me personal advice. I know it's not just what she's suppose to say but it's actually what I need to hear. Lana had been bugging me about going to church and going to the branch and all that. but Tara was the one that actually got me started going. And from there I met all kinds of people and influences. And Lana. What can I say about Lana. She is the craziest, funnest, most positive and upbeat person I have ever met. It doesn't matter what is happening or anything She just has the best attitude about all of it. She's got a special gift for not making you feel like a service project. A gift that many people need. You fell like she genuianly cares about you and that's prolly because she does. I have yet to meet a more Christlike example than these 3 women. If I can grow up to be half as awesome as any one of them I will consider myself lucky. I met and got to know Dustin. He is such a nice guy so full of good advice and I will always treasure the time we've spent in that tech booth. Dustin doesn't sugarcoat things. If you are not doing things right he will tell you. If teching is not for you he will tell you. The fact that he trusted me with the soundbooth and lights for 2 years speaks volumes. I met and got to know Annie. She is an awesome lady. and so funny. She's always had that motherly touch. She's so positive as well but she knows how to gently encourage you to do better. She's another example of someone I would love to be half as awesome as. Or even a quarter. There are so many more but these are the people that stand out to me right now. There was almost nothing about the Playhouse that could be considered a "con" that I can think of. It was hands down one of the best descions I ever made.
But I digress. The whole point of that ramble was to say that you can't hide from people. How are you going to get over your fear of them if you do? "But Myndi," you may say "I don't want to face my fears. I'm content staying in my own dwelling not facing them" "well," I'd reply "That means that you are my husband and/or that is very sad indeed" You can't just hide from everything. If you did that then you would be classified and a paranoid psyco and locked away forever in the looney bin. So that doesn't hold any weight. "so what is your next excuse?" I would then ask to which you would reply "It takes me out of my comfort zone. I hate meeting new people and big crowds of people" Lets see how long it takes me to blow a hole in this one. (I give it one very wordy paragraph) If that were true then things like Going out to dinner, or a movie theater, or a concert, or work, or anything really would be impossible to do. How about that mission? I seriously doubt you had any person you even remotely knew down in argentina. and yet you went. you made some friends. you leared a lot. you grew. How the hell did you manage that when You can't get up the gall to go to my family's superbowl party where every person there asked where you were and two even mentioned that they wished you were here (I realize it's family friends but I have known them since I was born. They are my family) and yet you can go to IHOP with that moron Rik and meet his friends. That's not a problem. Explain that. Is it cuz you're all nerds and can talk about stupid damn video games? Or is it cuz no one in my "Family" will buy your bullshit excuses and they force you to be socialble? *makes buzzer sound* ehh Wrong. no weight here. (not as wordy as I expected.)
"Ok." you will reply "Here is my last one. My dad is like this and I am just like my dad." Hahah Dear brain. Please shut down 95% of yourself. 5% should be more than enough for this. Thanks. Love Myndi. Here is my first line of attack. I am like my dad. We have a lot of the same tendencies and problems and tastes. Does that mean I'm a clone? no. I have my own opinions and thoughts and feelings and actions. When I die I will not be able to stand before God and say 'I'm just like my dad' and get a pass. I will be help accountable for my own choices and actions. I grew up side by side with my dad and we are two very different people now. So that doesn't hold a lot of weight with me. Number 2. How many times when we were dating did you tell me that you did not want to be like your dad? A lot. Don't even try to deny it. So now you are saying that you can't help it? Bull to the Shit. You expressed not wanting to be like that and then chose not to cuz it's hard. We'll buck the fuck up. Anything that is easy isn't worth doing. If you don't have to reach how will you grow? You won't. When I say I'm married to 16 year old this is what I mean. You haven't reached or tried to do anything. You have no goals and the ones you have a shiftless at best. You took an easy job at the IRS and don't try to do anything. You stay in one place for years until it becomes unbearable and then you finally get up the gall to move. I've worked at the IRS for a year and I managed to get to a GS 5 Tax Examiner. You've worked there for 4 or 5 Years and you are a GS 4 Clerk. I have a clear cut goal. I want to be an anaylist. Budget to be exact but I'll take any. I know that I need to get a lead job. and then a managers job, and take the hard cases and any details so that I know as many aspects of the job as a whole as possible. I know it'll prolly take 20+ years to get there. I know I need to get back into school and get an accounting degree. I know that it will be tough and I don't have a whole lot of connections. But I have goals to get there. Get to days. Get to school. Get to lead. Get to manager. etc. I know that it will be hard. But I am willing to work for it. Wht are your goals? get to work? Talk to Rik about stupid fucking stuff with no purpose? My group at work, We discuss finaces, houses, credit scores, you know. things of importance. What's your comeback? You are happy. Well that's cuz you choose to be. If you love AUR so much then maybe you should move up to be a te in aur. But you know. I'm only 21 and a girl so I'm sure you have a much better idea of how this should go. But shouldn't you at least feel some shame or something at the fact that I am the breadwinner? I dunno. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about. But I think I am onto something here. And you keep giving me clues that I am right.
So this is a delclaration. I will not coddle you anymore. We are prolly going to get into it hardcore tomorrow becasue I will (as zombieland so eloquently put it- great movie by the way ) nut up or shut up. We are talking about all of this tomorrow in as calm a way as I can muster. and we are clearing the air. And if you are still being a baby then the next step is councling. We made a comitment and I will do whatever it takes to uphold my end of the bargin. But I will not compromise and let you be a lifeless lump. You at least tried when we were dating. We used to be able to talk. What the crap happened? I've invested a lot in you. therefore I am going to try and fix a few of the bad habits I see. If you were more open to suggestion then maybe I would be more open to any you see. But from where I'm sitting I'm the only one trying to improve herself here. I didn't do this when we were dating cuz I didn't have a lot invested in you. Now I do. And I will not allow you to sit stagnet any longer. That is all for now.
Well we had our first big fight. Nothing got resolved. At first I thought it did but tonight has shown me that nothing did. We argued and yelled and I felt like a jackass and all that. Seems he doesn't feel like he can talk to me. Which may be true. But I can't fix it if he doesn't try to talk to me. Which seems to be the path most taken lately. Which just exasserbates the problem more. But we'll get into that later. I have my own ideas about what is going on. My theory is that he is letting people from childhood run his life today. He often talks vaguely about how he hates it when people take teasing too far or something of the like. He's never even told me. (which really isn't surprising lately see above) but I think I might be on the right path by his reactions when I bring it up. My feelings? Everyone gets teased until they cry at some point in their life. You can't let it follow you forever. I have struggled with it every once in a while but you know. I found a way around it. It still creeps up into my mind every once in a while. but I've turned it into a positive. I don;t want to be the fat awkward kid anymore. so I got the p90x disks and joined a gym to lose weight. I didn't want to be the quiet shy picked on kid so I started doing plays cuz I loved going and watching them. And by doing that I met a whole lot of people with the same interests as I. Also I found something I was good at. Which further boosted my self esteem A lot of good has come from that playhouse. I met Lana there. And from her I met Tara and Charla. All of which have been instramental in my lifestyle changes. I look up to each and every one of them as I would a sister. Charla used to take me to do baptism's for the dead and 6 am every saturday. I am not a morning person but I would willingly get up every saturday at 5:15 shower, get dressed, drive to roy to pick her up (cuz at the time she didn't have her own car) and we would go do baptisms. It was awesome. Tara was able to take me thru the temple my first time. I've always felt a connection with her. We've had similar family/church situations so she has always been able to give me personal advice. I know it's not just what she's suppose to say but it's actually what I need to hear. Lana had been bugging me about going to church and going to the branch and all that. but Tara was the one that actually got me started going. And from there I met all kinds of people and influences. And Lana. What can I say about Lana. She is the craziest, funnest, most positive and upbeat person I have ever met. It doesn't matter what is happening or anything She just has the best attitude about all of it. She's got a special gift for not making you feel like a service project. A gift that many people need. You fell like she genuianly cares about you and that's prolly because she does. I have yet to meet a more Christlike example than these 3 women. If I can grow up to be half as awesome as any one of them I will consider myself lucky. I met and got to know Dustin. He is such a nice guy so full of good advice and I will always treasure the time we've spent in that tech booth. Dustin doesn't sugarcoat things. If you are not doing things right he will tell you. If teching is not for you he will tell you. The fact that he trusted me with the soundbooth and lights for 2 years speaks volumes. I met and got to know Annie. She is an awesome lady. and so funny. She's always had that motherly touch. She's so positive as well but she knows how to gently encourage you to do better. She's another example of someone I would love to be half as awesome as. Or even a quarter. There are so many more but these are the people that stand out to me right now. There was almost nothing about the Playhouse that could be considered a "con" that I can think of. It was hands down one of the best descions I ever made.
But I digress. The whole point of that ramble was to say that you can't hide from people. How are you going to get over your fear of them if you do? "But Myndi," you may say "I don't want to face my fears. I'm content staying in my own dwelling not facing them" "well," I'd reply "That means that you are my husband and/or that is very sad indeed" You can't just hide from everything. If you did that then you would be classified and a paranoid psyco and locked away forever in the looney bin. So that doesn't hold any weight. "so what is your next excuse?" I would then ask to which you would reply "It takes me out of my comfort zone. I hate meeting new people and big crowds of people" Lets see how long it takes me to blow a hole in this one. (I give it one very wordy paragraph) If that were true then things like Going out to dinner, or a movie theater, or a concert, or work, or anything really would be impossible to do. How about that mission? I seriously doubt you had any person you even remotely knew down in argentina. and yet you went. you made some friends. you leared a lot. you grew. How the hell did you manage that when You can't get up the gall to go to my family's superbowl party where every person there asked where you were and two even mentioned that they wished you were here (I realize it's family friends but I have known them since I was born. They are my family) and yet you can go to IHOP with that moron Rik and meet his friends. That's not a problem. Explain that. Is it cuz you're all nerds and can talk about stupid damn video games? Or is it cuz no one in my "Family" will buy your bullshit excuses and they force you to be socialble? *makes buzzer sound* ehh Wrong. no weight here. (not as wordy as I expected.)
"Ok." you will reply "Here is my last one. My dad is like this and I am just like my dad." Hahah Dear brain. Please shut down 95% of yourself. 5% should be more than enough for this. Thanks. Love Myndi. Here is my first line of attack. I am like my dad. We have a lot of the same tendencies and problems and tastes. Does that mean I'm a clone? no. I have my own opinions and thoughts and feelings and actions. When I die I will not be able to stand before God and say 'I'm just like my dad' and get a pass. I will be help accountable for my own choices and actions. I grew up side by side with my dad and we are two very different people now. So that doesn't hold a lot of weight with me. Number 2. How many times when we were dating did you tell me that you did not want to be like your dad? A lot. Don't even try to deny it. So now you are saying that you can't help it? Bull to the Shit. You expressed not wanting to be like that and then chose not to cuz it's hard. We'll buck the fuck up. Anything that is easy isn't worth doing. If you don't have to reach how will you grow? You won't. When I say I'm married to 16 year old this is what I mean. You haven't reached or tried to do anything. You have no goals and the ones you have a shiftless at best. You took an easy job at the IRS and don't try to do anything. You stay in one place for years until it becomes unbearable and then you finally get up the gall to move. I've worked at the IRS for a year and I managed to get to a GS 5 Tax Examiner. You've worked there for 4 or 5 Years and you are a GS 4 Clerk. I have a clear cut goal. I want to be an anaylist. Budget to be exact but I'll take any. I know that I need to get a lead job. and then a managers job, and take the hard cases and any details so that I know as many aspects of the job as a whole as possible. I know it'll prolly take 20+ years to get there. I know I need to get back into school and get an accounting degree. I know that it will be tough and I don't have a whole lot of connections. But I have goals to get there. Get to days. Get to school. Get to lead. Get to manager. etc. I know that it will be hard. But I am willing to work for it. Wht are your goals? get to work? Talk to Rik about stupid fucking stuff with no purpose? My group at work, We discuss finaces, houses, credit scores, you know. things of importance. What's your comeback? You are happy. Well that's cuz you choose to be. If you love AUR so much then maybe you should move up to be a te in aur. But you know. I'm only 21 and a girl so I'm sure you have a much better idea of how this should go. But shouldn't you at least feel some shame or something at the fact that I am the breadwinner? I dunno. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about. But I think I am onto something here. And you keep giving me clues that I am right.
So this is a delclaration. I will not coddle you anymore. We are prolly going to get into it hardcore tomorrow becasue I will (as zombieland so eloquently put it- great movie by the way ) nut up or shut up. We are talking about all of this tomorrow in as calm a way as I can muster. and we are clearing the air. And if you are still being a baby then the next step is councling. We made a comitment and I will do whatever it takes to uphold my end of the bargin. But I will not compromise and let you be a lifeless lump. You at least tried when we were dating. We used to be able to talk. What the crap happened? I've invested a lot in you. therefore I am going to try and fix a few of the bad habits I see. If you were more open to suggestion then maybe I would be more open to any you see. But from where I'm sitting I'm the only one trying to improve herself here. I didn't do this when we were dating cuz I didn't have a lot invested in you. Now I do. And I will not allow you to sit stagnet any longer. That is all for now.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
FUCK COMPUTERS
I Fucking hate Computers. Can I just say that one more time? I FUCKING HATE COMPUTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to have one hell of a week I forsee.
Today I got up. Went out to the couch, laid back down and of course fell asleep again. When I woke up I had a text from my mom saking if I was going to come do taxes today. I said yeah so I got up, Showered, Went to the Post Office, got tax forms, then went to my mom's house to do our taxes (yay $2500 back) It took prolly 3 and a half hours to do my taxes and then another hour to hour and a half to file them online. (Cuz I'm a slow typer) between that and going to the store with my mom and chatting with my family I was gone prolly 6-7 hours. I made it home to find that my husband (I use the term loosly in this case) was sitting at home on that damn computer. I didn't want to explode and make things worse (I of all people know that ADDICTION is a sensitive thing) So I put on my ipod and proceeded to make a cheesecake for tomorrow's superbowl party(strawberry chocolate), get all the nacho stuff together that I am bringing. tidy up the bathroom (I've been letting it go for like two weeks-which I'll explain later-but It finally got to me I didn't deep clean like it needs but I wiped it down), make kool aid, make frozen juice, change the grabages in the bathroom and kitchen, file all the tax stuff away, get my clothes out of the dryer, hang them up, put away the whites I did earlier, and pick up my shoes from my side of the bed and clean that up a little. He sat out here and played Left 4 dead 2 then watched the new spongebob and penguins episodes. I came out without saying a word and sat on the couch. we finished watching the episode he handed me the remotes said here watch whatever, then went into the kitchen at 2 effing 30 in the damn morning and made the only effing thing he eats a cheese quesadilla with catsup then asked if he could skip my families superbowl party. I said "Not to stay here and play those damn games. You're computer and game time has gotten completely out of control." to which he said "I play games as much as you watch tv and play on your computer. Besides I only played like twice this week with the exception of tuesday and two of them were today (Lie I saw him at least 3 times this week before or after work)And I said "I manage to keep this house running. You emptied the dishwaser. once. and it took you 4 days to do it. Those were washed on tuesday and they got put away today." to which his reply was "They were put away yesterday" (possible. but prolly not) he then said nothing and neither did I and then he went to bed without saying a word. And now I am blogging to keep from packing my shit, calling my mom, and leaving. Or going in there to yell at him.
Lets back up a little shall we. Last week (thursday night) He cleaned the litter box for the first time in like 2 weeks because it was so full that the cat wouldn't use it anymore and proceeded to pee all over the house. and put it in a wal mart bag and set it by the door. It was late so I didn't pitch my usualy fit about how stinky the cat poo is and how it needs to be taken out immediatly, which never happens so I dunno why I waste my breath. Friday after work I came home and beat him home by a good 4 hours cuz on fridays he goes to ihop after work with (evil voice and flames in eyes and behind head) Rik. Who I could care less if he dropped over dead. I hate Rik. Rik will henceforth be known as he who shall not be named a la Harry Potter. but more on that later. I was leaving for Wendover Saturday for my buddy Sammie's 21st (to which he wouldn't come either) so I packed my stuff and went to sleep. I got up in the morning, got picked up by Sammie and left before he got out of bed. The Cat mess or Bag o poo as it will now be refered to was still there when I left. I went to wendover won $100 at the garter, every machine I touched turned to money, and condemend myself to hell for the time being by drinking enought to necessitate a giant hangover monday. We came back about 2 pm sunday. Bag o Poo was still there. Andy on the computer when I got home. (To his credit he did get off long enought to hear my stories) I was still drunk, but coming down and I had had like 3 hours of restless drunk sleep (drinking=great sleep, Drunk=terrible sleep, Passed out=terrible sleep but lots of it)the night before so I promplty fell asleep on the love seat when I woke up the first time(about 4 pm) he was playing (evil voice, scary music fire) Zelda on the wii. I think I got up, peed, drank some water to try and stave off the hangover (It didn't work. I got really sick. Side note. DId you know that when you get a hangover your brain actaully shrinks. cuz teh alcohol has dehydreted the rest of your organs the only place left with water is your brain so it sends it's water to other places and shrink pulling on the membranes in your head and causing the pounding headache. I learned it this week) and then passed out again. When I woke up again (about 9 or 10 pm) he was still playing Zelda. he then got off the tv so I could watch it (not that it mattered. I spent most of the next two days in the bathroom or asleep) and went and played on the computer for a few hours. Bag o poo was still there. Monday came and went bag o poo stayed, same with tuesday and wednesday. Thursday He got home about 230 (he gets off at 130. he can't get all his taking to he who shall not be named in the 9 hours he's there so he needs another 1-6 hours a night to talk to him. ERG. And his sister was bringing her cat over for us to watch so he changed the litter again and finally took out the bag o poo. Thursday night. that's a full week it sat there. Strike one. As afore mentioned The dishwasher was ran sometime between tuesday and wednesday it was emptied friday night. strike two. He claimed Friday that he was "too sick to go to work" but then went to ihop before I got home at 1240 and promised me that he wouldn't stay out too long. he rolled home at 6 effing am. strike three. Two weekends ago he spent 12 hours on saturday and 12 hours on sunday on the computer. He didn't say 4 sentances to me all weekend.Strike four. Months ago when we first got married he promised me he would only play on the weekends cuz 'it's a stupid thing to fight about' for the last month I've been keeping tabs on him. He hasn't kept that promise in at least a month but I'd venture to say since about nov when he met he who shall not be named. strikes five and six. I mange to do my laundry and put it away. He has not hung up a shirt since I made him the first time. His clothes just stay in the basket they come in by the magic laundry elves. If I ask him to pick up his pants and put them away there is always an excuse "It bothers me to hang up pants cuz it bends the hangers" to which you may reply as I did then why don't you put them in a drawer? and his response? " It bothers me to put them in a drawer. I just need a corner where I can stack them" yeah. The cat peed on his two "good" pairs of pants (yet he has 9 "bad" pairs lying around the house.) And he got mad and yelled at the cat. to which I said. "That's funny. She didn't pee on my pants,or any of my clothes actually. Oh wait that's cuz they are hung up or put in a drawer like they are supposed to be. Don't yell at her cuz you can't put your clothes away" He didn't think that was very funny. Strike seven. Today. While I was gone doing taxes and errands and things like that I had a load of whites in the washer. I live in a 900 sq foot apt. you can hear when the washer is done. I get home 2 hours later to pick up a flash drive with his last years tax return on it. The whites are still in the washer. They had been done for prolly an hour and he couldn't find 5 minutes to put them in the dryer. Strike eight. He will argue with me for hours on end about why he can only use irish spring soap, and why only his movies are any good (I swear if I hear one more word about the 'holy trinity' of fucking star wars I will go bananas), and why I can't by the cheap lexmark ink printer just so we have a printer and why we have to by teh 240 lazer color toner printer, and flip out if his precious video games are the slightest bit out of some ungodly order that I can't figure out, tell me ways to improve anything I cook or just not eat it. (I've stopped cooking sunday dinner. He can fend for himself.) or spend ten minutes looking up somethng on the fucking blackberry to prove that he is right but he can't put any of that enery into anything productive. like going to school ("I will only go to steven's henniger. and only for it. That's where my dad went and he didn't have to take generals. I hate generals." yeah and that's also a non accredited school outside of utah with a 90% dropout rate.) Or getting a better position in the IRS ("i'm happy where I'm at. and it's not like we're hurting so why does it matter?" yeah if you want to stay in this tiny apt with no kids and no dogs, and hope like hell that nothing breaks down or rates don't go up on anything cuz we have a bunch of credit card debt then yeah. stay where you are. with a shit manager and a shittier "friend" (I use the term loosly) which is the real reason you won't even try to move) or clean. anything. or even just pick up after himself. ("I don't want to mess up your cleaning" trust me cleaning it again won't mess it up) I swear if it doesn't have a fucking dragon or mage magic or some other stupid shit in it then he doesn't care about it. strike nine. But the crowning strike is the fact that unlike any normal human being he can apperantly go 7 weeks without any kind of.. how do i put this nicely... physical closeness? Yeah 7 weeks. I'm pretty sure that is one of the major signs of addiction. Strike ten.
I found this article online about video game addiction and it lists 8 major warning signs then it says that if you or someone you know is experiencing 3 or more that they need some help. I will post these signs now and bold the ones he has
1.Obsession or preoccupation about computer games or playing video games on a video game console excessively
2.Neglecting personal relationships with friends and family to spend more time playing video games
3.Difficulty keeping up with personal or professional responsibilities due to increased hours playing video games. Have you ever “called in sick” to stay home to play your favorite game?
4.Lying to others about computer or video game use. Do you sneak time to play games, perhaps late at night while others are asleep? Has someone close to you, perhaps your significant other, ever criticized you for spending too much time playing video games rather than spending time with them?
5.While not spending time on the internet or playing video games, do you feel angry, agitated, irritable or depressed? Do you experience withdrawal symptoms when not playing video games?
6.Do you spend most of your time thinking or wishing you could be playing your favorite game or surfing the web? (it's all he talks about so I'm assuming that is the case
7.Do you become so involved in playing video games that you sometimes neglect to eat, sleep, or bathe?
8.Do you ever experience physical symptoms such as backaches, dry eyes or headaches after playing video games? -He complains of these things all the time- Have you been diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome or experience symptoms of carpal tunnel?
As you can see he has 8 out of 8. I'm done. I know I have said this beofre but this time I mean it. I will bring up the problem again tomorrow before I leave for the party and if he gets the slightest bit defensive about the new 12 hours a week (max two a day) time restriction it'll come down to an ultimatum. Me or the fucking games. I sure hope all that crap about how much he loves me and how I'm the most important thing in his life wasn't just hot air like everything else he's ever told me. I guess I'll soon find out huh?
Today I got up. Went out to the couch, laid back down and of course fell asleep again. When I woke up I had a text from my mom saking if I was going to come do taxes today. I said yeah so I got up, Showered, Went to the Post Office, got tax forms, then went to my mom's house to do our taxes (yay $2500 back) It took prolly 3 and a half hours to do my taxes and then another hour to hour and a half to file them online. (Cuz I'm a slow typer) between that and going to the store with my mom and chatting with my family I was gone prolly 6-7 hours. I made it home to find that my husband (I use the term loosly in this case) was sitting at home on that damn computer. I didn't want to explode and make things worse (I of all people know that ADDICTION is a sensitive thing) So I put on my ipod and proceeded to make a cheesecake for tomorrow's superbowl party(strawberry chocolate), get all the nacho stuff together that I am bringing. tidy up the bathroom (I've been letting it go for like two weeks-which I'll explain later-but It finally got to me I didn't deep clean like it needs but I wiped it down), make kool aid, make frozen juice, change the grabages in the bathroom and kitchen, file all the tax stuff away, get my clothes out of the dryer, hang them up, put away the whites I did earlier, and pick up my shoes from my side of the bed and clean that up a little. He sat out here and played Left 4 dead 2 then watched the new spongebob and penguins episodes. I came out without saying a word and sat on the couch. we finished watching the episode he handed me the remotes said here watch whatever, then went into the kitchen at 2 effing 30 in the damn morning and made the only effing thing he eats a cheese quesadilla with catsup then asked if he could skip my families superbowl party. I said "Not to stay here and play those damn games. You're computer and game time has gotten completely out of control." to which he said "I play games as much as you watch tv and play on your computer. Besides I only played like twice this week with the exception of tuesday and two of them were today (Lie I saw him at least 3 times this week before or after work)And I said "I manage to keep this house running. You emptied the dishwaser. once. and it took you 4 days to do it. Those were washed on tuesday and they got put away today." to which his reply was "They were put away yesterday" (possible. but prolly not) he then said nothing and neither did I and then he went to bed without saying a word. And now I am blogging to keep from packing my shit, calling my mom, and leaving. Or going in there to yell at him.
Lets back up a little shall we. Last week (thursday night) He cleaned the litter box for the first time in like 2 weeks because it was so full that the cat wouldn't use it anymore and proceeded to pee all over the house. and put it in a wal mart bag and set it by the door. It was late so I didn't pitch my usualy fit about how stinky the cat poo is and how it needs to be taken out immediatly, which never happens so I dunno why I waste my breath. Friday after work I came home and beat him home by a good 4 hours cuz on fridays he goes to ihop after work with (evil voice and flames in eyes and behind head) Rik. Who I could care less if he dropped over dead. I hate Rik. Rik will henceforth be known as he who shall not be named a la Harry Potter. but more on that later. I was leaving for Wendover Saturday for my buddy Sammie's 21st (to which he wouldn't come either) so I packed my stuff and went to sleep. I got up in the morning, got picked up by Sammie and left before he got out of bed. The Cat mess or Bag o poo as it will now be refered to was still there when I left. I went to wendover won $100 at the garter, every machine I touched turned to money, and condemend myself to hell for the time being by drinking enought to necessitate a giant hangover monday. We came back about 2 pm sunday. Bag o Poo was still there. Andy on the computer when I got home. (To his credit he did get off long enought to hear my stories) I was still drunk, but coming down and I had had like 3 hours of restless drunk sleep (drinking=great sleep, Drunk=terrible sleep, Passed out=terrible sleep but lots of it)the night before so I promplty fell asleep on the love seat when I woke up the first time(about 4 pm) he was playing (evil voice, scary music fire) Zelda on the wii. I think I got up, peed, drank some water to try and stave off the hangover (It didn't work. I got really sick. Side note. DId you know that when you get a hangover your brain actaully shrinks. cuz teh alcohol has dehydreted the rest of your organs the only place left with water is your brain so it sends it's water to other places and shrink pulling on the membranes in your head and causing the pounding headache. I learned it this week) and then passed out again. When I woke up again (about 9 or 10 pm) he was still playing Zelda. he then got off the tv so I could watch it (not that it mattered. I spent most of the next two days in the bathroom or asleep) and went and played on the computer for a few hours. Bag o poo was still there. Monday came and went bag o poo stayed, same with tuesday and wednesday. Thursday He got home about 230 (he gets off at 130. he can't get all his taking to he who shall not be named in the 9 hours he's there so he needs another 1-6 hours a night to talk to him. ERG. And his sister was bringing her cat over for us to watch so he changed the litter again and finally took out the bag o poo. Thursday night. that's a full week it sat there. Strike one. As afore mentioned The dishwasher was ran sometime between tuesday and wednesday it was emptied friday night. strike two. He claimed Friday that he was "too sick to go to work" but then went to ihop before I got home at 1240 and promised me that he wouldn't stay out too long. he rolled home at 6 effing am. strike three. Two weekends ago he spent 12 hours on saturday and 12 hours on sunday on the computer. He didn't say 4 sentances to me all weekend.Strike four. Months ago when we first got married he promised me he would only play on the weekends cuz 'it's a stupid thing to fight about' for the last month I've been keeping tabs on him. He hasn't kept that promise in at least a month but I'd venture to say since about nov when he met he who shall not be named. strikes five and six. I mange to do my laundry and put it away. He has not hung up a shirt since I made him the first time. His clothes just stay in the basket they come in by the magic laundry elves. If I ask him to pick up his pants and put them away there is always an excuse "It bothers me to hang up pants cuz it bends the hangers" to which you may reply as I did then why don't you put them in a drawer? and his response? " It bothers me to put them in a drawer. I just need a corner where I can stack them" yeah. The cat peed on his two "good" pairs of pants (yet he has 9 "bad" pairs lying around the house.) And he got mad and yelled at the cat. to which I said. "That's funny. She didn't pee on my pants,or any of my clothes actually. Oh wait that's cuz they are hung up or put in a drawer like they are supposed to be. Don't yell at her cuz you can't put your clothes away" He didn't think that was very funny. Strike seven. Today. While I was gone doing taxes and errands and things like that I had a load of whites in the washer. I live in a 900 sq foot apt. you can hear when the washer is done. I get home 2 hours later to pick up a flash drive with his last years tax return on it. The whites are still in the washer. They had been done for prolly an hour and he couldn't find 5 minutes to put them in the dryer. Strike eight. He will argue with me for hours on end about why he can only use irish spring soap, and why only his movies are any good (I swear if I hear one more word about the 'holy trinity' of fucking star wars I will go bananas), and why I can't by the cheap lexmark ink printer just so we have a printer and why we have to by teh 240 lazer color toner printer, and flip out if his precious video games are the slightest bit out of some ungodly order that I can't figure out, tell me ways to improve anything I cook or just not eat it. (I've stopped cooking sunday dinner. He can fend for himself.) or spend ten minutes looking up somethng on the fucking blackberry to prove that he is right but he can't put any of that enery into anything productive. like going to school ("I will only go to steven's henniger. and only for it. That's where my dad went and he didn't have to take generals. I hate generals." yeah and that's also a non accredited school outside of utah with a 90% dropout rate.) Or getting a better position in the IRS ("i'm happy where I'm at. and it's not like we're hurting so why does it matter?" yeah if you want to stay in this tiny apt with no kids and no dogs, and hope like hell that nothing breaks down or rates don't go up on anything cuz we have a bunch of credit card debt then yeah. stay where you are. with a shit manager and a shittier "friend" (I use the term loosly) which is the real reason you won't even try to move) or clean. anything. or even just pick up after himself. ("I don't want to mess up your cleaning" trust me cleaning it again won't mess it up) I swear if it doesn't have a fucking dragon or mage magic or some other stupid shit in it then he doesn't care about it. strike nine. But the crowning strike is the fact that unlike any normal human being he can apperantly go 7 weeks without any kind of.. how do i put this nicely... physical closeness? Yeah 7 weeks. I'm pretty sure that is one of the major signs of addiction. Strike ten.
I found this article online about video game addiction and it lists 8 major warning signs then it says that if you or someone you know is experiencing 3 or more that they need some help. I will post these signs now and bold the ones he has
1.Obsession or preoccupation about computer games or playing video games on a video game console excessively
2.Neglecting personal relationships with friends and family to spend more time playing video games
3.Difficulty keeping up with personal or professional responsibilities due to increased hours playing video games. Have you ever “called in sick” to stay home to play your favorite game?
4.Lying to others about computer or video game use. Do you sneak time to play games, perhaps late at night while others are asleep? Has someone close to you, perhaps your significant other, ever criticized you for spending too much time playing video games rather than spending time with them?
5.While not spending time on the internet or playing video games, do you feel angry, agitated, irritable or depressed? Do you experience withdrawal symptoms when not playing video games?
6.Do you spend most of your time thinking or wishing you could be playing your favorite game or surfing the web? (it's all he talks about so I'm assuming that is the case
7.Do you become so involved in playing video games that you sometimes neglect to eat, sleep, or bathe?
8.Do you ever experience physical symptoms such as backaches, dry eyes or headaches after playing video games? -He complains of these things all the time- Have you been diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome or experience symptoms of carpal tunnel?
As you can see he has 8 out of 8. I'm done. I know I have said this beofre but this time I mean it. I will bring up the problem again tomorrow before I leave for the party and if he gets the slightest bit defensive about the new 12 hours a week (max two a day) time restriction it'll come down to an ultimatum. Me or the fucking games. I sure hope all that crap about how much he loves me and how I'm the most important thing in his life wasn't just hot air like everything else he's ever told me. I guess I'll soon find out huh?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
HATES COMPUTER GAMES
This is just a post to let everyone know that anyone that creates, plays, or encorages the use of online games is an accomplice to the american obesity problem and the destruction of families. It's worse than crack and alcohol combined. Just something to think about
FUCK COMPUTERS
FUCK COMPUTERS
Thursday, January 14, 2010
insomnia strikes again.
So my insomnia is striking again. I was up blog stalking a few old friends from high school and then I thought I would give my blog some loving.
Ok first off I have a new workout goal. I still want to be able to do all those other things but I have a new goal. For anyone that doesn't know I've become ridiculously Baby Hungry since getting married. (and a little before. Crazy huh?) So I found this picture on the internet and printed it off and have it in my gym bag and wallet.. ok well I can't figure out how to post a pic on here cuz I'm pretty computer-tarded and my nerd husband is asleep. like most normal people at this hour. But it's a pic of a really cute little boy about age 2. I've decided that that is my new goal. I want to start trying for a baby this year. I have to see if I can talk Andy into it a little earlier than he was hoping but we'll see what happens. before that can happen tho I need to get my Blood pressure down a little and get to a healthy weight and then get some finacial things taken care of but hopefully by about june or july I can bring up the subject again. (andy wanted to wait til like next jan but I'm not sure I wanna wait that long. I think this is a good compromise) We'll see if I still feel this way if and when I get into weber.
Which brings me to my next random thought. I need to get back to school. and how much fun will it be since I'm married. You know there are times that I miss the single lifestyle. But I know that if I wasn't married I'd be sitting in my cramped little room at my parents doing the same amount of nothing I was doing before. Which gave me a good lesson. When I lost my job at Files in 2008 it started a whole chain of events that I didn't really understand but now looking back I can see what a difference they've made in my life. I now know that everything I was forced to go thru during that time was to prepare me to enter into the house of the Lord and later to seal myself to my best friend for time and all eternity. It was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do. I still remember every agonizing day and week of searching for jobs and getting rejected time and time again. I remember the bills (of which I only had 3 oh the days) pilling up and trying to make everything streach hoping that tomorrow would be the day that the IRS would call. I remeber getting rejected for unemployment because I was in school and therefor was 'unable to accept full time employment' and I rememer what a jerk I was to those closest to me. I also rememeber a few of the good things. I remember having a phone call court date -which sounds and is pretty stupid- and I remember the judge saying "After hearing your case I think you can accept full time work. I hearby grant you unemployment." Best thing a judge has ever done for me. I cried. I had just accepted a job at teleproformance but I wasn't going to get paid for 3 weeks as is the way with most jobs. I had school and a car payment due within the next week. I checked my account 2 days later and there was $1000 in there. Just enough to pay for my next semster of school my car payment and for gas until I was to get paid again. I remember all the time I spent with my mom because I couldn't afford to go anywhere cuz I needed the gas in my car to get me to work and back. We had a few fights but mostly we had a lot of fun. My dad was at work and ellie was in school so it was just me and her. I remember the day that they told me that a few of the perm employees had opted to get laid off early in because of that I got to stay on for 2 more weeks and get an extra paycheck. and perhaps the biggest thing I remember is when I went to Andy for help. I had spent days cring myself to sleep and spending the days just trying to function in a semi normal fashion and figuring out where to go from here (if there is one thing I hate more than not being in control of my life it's not being in control of my emotions and like crying in front of people. and at this point in time I was living on the verge of both all the time) After about three days of this zombie stage my friend Angi texted me and basically told me that I needed a blessing. Anyone that knows my family knows that the very closest realative I could ask is my great uncle or one of my 2nd cousins. I thought about Darcy's dad for a minute and although Jeff's has been like a second home to me for many years that still felt weird. Angi offered her dad or one of her bros but that felt even more weird. the one person that kept coming up was Andy. I don't remember exactly what was said or what happened but I remember going over there feeling so terrible. so Hopeless. and I remeber after the fact as I stood there trying to figure out what had just happened and what had changed. The answer was nothing. I was still jobless. I was still dependent on my parents i was still lost and confused. But there was hope. And that hope kept me going for the next two months in a semi sane fashion. It helped me thru the worst job I have ever had-and I worked fast food for 3 years- telemarketing. and it kept that little spark of hope alive in me that someday I would work in one of the behind teleperformance (there are currently two irs buildings behing there and I am currently working in one of them. a year later) In fact just the other day I stopped and looked at the big now hiring sign and rememebered standing out there just a year prior looking at the building and thinking. Someday. I don't care what it takes. Someday I WILL work there. Well here it is one year later and I do. I learned that when I set my mind to something there is no stopping me. That night was also the night I fell in love and realized that I wanted... no needed.. the priesthood in my life. At one of my pre wedding party thingys Darcy had this game set up where she had already asked andy questions then she asked me the same questions and then compared them to his. One of the questions was when did you know that he/she was the one you would marry? I didn't want to go into this night with all my friends there cuz I knew I would cry (and we all know how much I hate that. see above) so I made up some other answer but this was it. Despite all the little things that he does that just bug the hell outta me I still love him and consiter him my best friend. Lately It seems all we do is argue and I feel like I'm constantly nagging him or irritated with him. This is one of the two memeories that puts things into persepective (the other one can't be posted here. Sorry that's for me only) I've decided to amend my new years resolution. This year I am going to try and keep things into perspective and do everythign I can to strengthen myself physically mentally and spirtually as well as to strengthen my marriage. It doesn't matter if the clothes get hung up or who vaccums in the eternal perspective. I also resolve to notice the little things that God does for me in my day to day life to help push me just a little more. For years i had complained about getting up early to drag myself to work or complained about the hours or wished I had more time to myself or to hang out with friends. after I got laid off I wished I had to get up early to go to work. As much as I hate swing shift I am so greatful to have a job in these times. a job that allows me to make enough to pay all my bills and even occasionally do something fun with. and a job that I (for the most part) enjoy and could see myself in for a long time comfortably. A job that stimulates me intelectually and a job that has opportunities for growth. I already have my eventual goal in place and I am finding ways to take the steps I need to get there. (I want to be an anaylist preferably budget but I'll take any) I needed reminding of this I guess. These random late night tangents are often a very good way for me to learn things. even tho most of the time it just seems like a jumble of spelling errors and lack of punctuation, it usually clears my head and what is left is what I needed to hear. that's pretty much it
oh ps motts pear flavored applesauce and juice consisting of three or more fruits and made from concentrate makes an awesome midnight (or in this case 6:54am) snack. try it ok back to my thought train.
Ok first off I have a new workout goal. I still want to be able to do all those other things but I have a new goal. For anyone that doesn't know I've become ridiculously Baby Hungry since getting married. (and a little before. Crazy huh?) So I found this picture on the internet and printed it off and have it in my gym bag and wallet.. ok well I can't figure out how to post a pic on here cuz I'm pretty computer-tarded and my nerd husband is asleep. like most normal people at this hour. But it's a pic of a really cute little boy about age 2. I've decided that that is my new goal. I want to start trying for a baby this year. I have to see if I can talk Andy into it a little earlier than he was hoping but we'll see what happens. before that can happen tho I need to get my Blood pressure down a little and get to a healthy weight and then get some finacial things taken care of but hopefully by about june or july I can bring up the subject again. (andy wanted to wait til like next jan but I'm not sure I wanna wait that long. I think this is a good compromise) We'll see if I still feel this way if and when I get into weber.
Which brings me to my next random thought. I need to get back to school. and how much fun will it be since I'm married. You know there are times that I miss the single lifestyle. But I know that if I wasn't married I'd be sitting in my cramped little room at my parents doing the same amount of nothing I was doing before. Which gave me a good lesson. When I lost my job at Files in 2008 it started a whole chain of events that I didn't really understand but now looking back I can see what a difference they've made in my life. I now know that everything I was forced to go thru during that time was to prepare me to enter into the house of the Lord and later to seal myself to my best friend for time and all eternity. It was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do. I still remember every agonizing day and week of searching for jobs and getting rejected time and time again. I remember the bills (of which I only had 3 oh the days) pilling up and trying to make everything streach hoping that tomorrow would be the day that the IRS would call. I remeber getting rejected for unemployment because I was in school and therefor was 'unable to accept full time employment' and I rememer what a jerk I was to those closest to me. I also rememeber a few of the good things. I remember having a phone call court date -which sounds and is pretty stupid- and I remember the judge saying "After hearing your case I think you can accept full time work. I hearby grant you unemployment." Best thing a judge has ever done for me. I cried. I had just accepted a job at teleproformance but I wasn't going to get paid for 3 weeks as is the way with most jobs. I had school and a car payment due within the next week. I checked my account 2 days later and there was $1000 in there. Just enough to pay for my next semster of school my car payment and for gas until I was to get paid again. I remember all the time I spent with my mom because I couldn't afford to go anywhere cuz I needed the gas in my car to get me to work and back. We had a few fights but mostly we had a lot of fun. My dad was at work and ellie was in school so it was just me and her. I remember the day that they told me that a few of the perm employees had opted to get laid off early in because of that I got to stay on for 2 more weeks and get an extra paycheck. and perhaps the biggest thing I remember is when I went to Andy for help. I had spent days cring myself to sleep and spending the days just trying to function in a semi normal fashion and figuring out where to go from here (if there is one thing I hate more than not being in control of my life it's not being in control of my emotions and like crying in front of people. and at this point in time I was living on the verge of both all the time) After about three days of this zombie stage my friend Angi texted me and basically told me that I needed a blessing. Anyone that knows my family knows that the very closest realative I could ask is my great uncle or one of my 2nd cousins. I thought about Darcy's dad for a minute and although Jeff's has been like a second home to me for many years that still felt weird. Angi offered her dad or one of her bros but that felt even more weird. the one person that kept coming up was Andy. I don't remember exactly what was said or what happened but I remember going over there feeling so terrible. so Hopeless. and I remeber after the fact as I stood there trying to figure out what had just happened and what had changed. The answer was nothing. I was still jobless. I was still dependent on my parents i was still lost and confused. But there was hope. And that hope kept me going for the next two months in a semi sane fashion. It helped me thru the worst job I have ever had-and I worked fast food for 3 years- telemarketing. and it kept that little spark of hope alive in me that someday I would work in one of the behind teleperformance (there are currently two irs buildings behing there and I am currently working in one of them. a year later) In fact just the other day I stopped and looked at the big now hiring sign and rememebered standing out there just a year prior looking at the building and thinking. Someday. I don't care what it takes. Someday I WILL work there. Well here it is one year later and I do. I learned that when I set my mind to something there is no stopping me. That night was also the night I fell in love and realized that I wanted... no needed.. the priesthood in my life. At one of my pre wedding party thingys Darcy had this game set up where she had already asked andy questions then she asked me the same questions and then compared them to his. One of the questions was when did you know that he/she was the one you would marry? I didn't want to go into this night with all my friends there cuz I knew I would cry (and we all know how much I hate that. see above) so I made up some other answer but this was it. Despite all the little things that he does that just bug the hell outta me I still love him and consiter him my best friend. Lately It seems all we do is argue and I feel like I'm constantly nagging him or irritated with him. This is one of the two memeories that puts things into persepective (the other one can't be posted here. Sorry that's for me only) I've decided to amend my new years resolution. This year I am going to try and keep things into perspective and do everythign I can to strengthen myself physically mentally and spirtually as well as to strengthen my marriage. It doesn't matter if the clothes get hung up or who vaccums in the eternal perspective. I also resolve to notice the little things that God does for me in my day to day life to help push me just a little more. For years i had complained about getting up early to drag myself to work or complained about the hours or wished I had more time to myself or to hang out with friends. after I got laid off I wished I had to get up early to go to work. As much as I hate swing shift I am so greatful to have a job in these times. a job that allows me to make enough to pay all my bills and even occasionally do something fun with. and a job that I (for the most part) enjoy and could see myself in for a long time comfortably. A job that stimulates me intelectually and a job that has opportunities for growth. I already have my eventual goal in place and I am finding ways to take the steps I need to get there. (I want to be an anaylist preferably budget but I'll take any) I needed reminding of this I guess. These random late night tangents are often a very good way for me to learn things. even tho most of the time it just seems like a jumble of spelling errors and lack of punctuation, it usually clears my head and what is left is what I needed to hear. that's pretty much it
oh ps motts pear flavored applesauce and juice consisting of three or more fruits and made from concentrate makes an awesome midnight (or in this case 6:54am) snack. try it ok back to my thought train.
Friday, January 8, 2010
New Year.
So it's a new year. Not only that but it's a new decade. Yay! I guess. We started things off right on New years Day with the Rose Bowl which Ohio State won. Yay! And then on the 2nd I got to hang out with Charla and John and Lana And Craig. Which was just awesome! and then on the 4th Bosie State Beat TCU and stayed undefeated. WOO! Then on the 5th My buddy From work Sammie and I Joined Anytime Fitness in Clinton and we've been going to work out for at least an hour every night after work (for the last 3 nights) I'm not sure how much good it's doing really but I'm makeing a new friend, I've started feeling semi normal because I get to go out and do something every day, I've been sleeping better for the most part and without the help of sleep aids, I have more energy and feel better (despite being sore-er) and I had dropped 1.8 pounds in two freaking days. Awesome! Then I had BK for lunch and put all that on plus more. But whatevs. It's a good lesson in food. What I eat really does make a difference. But I've also decided that I'm not going to make weight based goals because if they don't pan out I'll get discouraged. Instead I've decided to make other goals that may or may not prompt weight loss and by posting it here then I will I have to live up to them. (unlike Some Tara's who promse to post more and then leave us hanging... are you trying to build the suspense? It's built! lol jk) so here they are my 2010 goals:
1: Run a mile in 7 minutes without being winded
2: Be able to do 10 chin ups.
3: Be able to do 10 push ups
4: Be able to run 5 miles continually without stopping no matter the time.
5: Be able to Face myself in the mirror and not be ashamed. To know that I have done everything I can to better myself physically and have something to show for it. And to know that I can set goals for myself and reach them.
We'll see how this turns out. but I'm locked into a contract with said gym(the only gym in Northern Utah open 24/7) for 12 months. So whether I use it or not I'll be paying $32 a month to them until next Feb. So I'd better use it. (that's $384 in a year) Also I'm hoping to have a kid this time next year. (we'll see how onboard someone else is about this... but we've got about 4 maybe 5 years ot be done having kids. Long Story) But I have high blood pressure and crappy everything habits amoung other things all of which I am working towards for this coming year.
Also on my list of goals is one finacial goal. Get all of the following debt paid off. on our list we have
-One line of credit each at $500 a piece totallying $1000
-A line of Credit at Rc Willeys totalling $1500
-My Credit Card at $1000
-My car at $285. (I should own it by March)
-And our rings that are left with approx $500
If I can get a good chunk of that paid by May along with keeping up on the
current bills then we may think about being able to get a house. But I'm not holding my breath . With me at a GS 5 and Andy refusing to move out of his GS 4 there is no way we could afford a house anyway I crunch it. We'll see what happens.
My next goals are some that will make me sound like a total bitch and could be classified as "Kicking against the pricks" but I'm pretty adament about most of them. Ok some back story. Before We got married when we were just engaged Andy and I talked about what we wanted our future home to be like. We agreed we didn't want to have "packrat piles" like both sets of our parents do. We agreed not to have "dumping grounds" like both our familes do. and we agreed that we would put all dirty dishes in the dishwasher immediatly and not let them pile up. We talked about not leaving clean clothes in the laundry basket and actually putting them away (Which I have been guilty of a few times I will admit)also amoung other things. To date I can count on one hand the number of times that I haven't had to put the dishes away out of the dishwasher because the sink was too full to use. I have never ever once seen him load the dishwasher the way I asked (with all the spoons in one basket section and all the forks in another and all the sharp ones in another and so on) because "that's dumb it takes too long and {He's} not going to do it". We cannot even think about going into our second bedroom except in a straight line to "his" computer (which I will get to later) because we have to keep every box or wire or anything ever. I threw/gave/donanted/stored away 2/3rds of my possesions when we got married cuz I knew we didn't have room and wanted to make a fresh start. He brought everything he's ever owned apperantly and nothing can be parted with. The kitchen counter looks like a 6 year old empted his pockets 3 weeks out of the month til it gets to me and I clean it. No matter what I ask him to do he always ALWAYS has an excuse for why he can't. Either "I've done it this way for 26 years" or "that'll take too long" or my personal favrite "that bothers me" I'm sick of fighting about it so I've started just being bitchy. all the time. I'm sick of it. It's like everything I do to try and make things better he goes out of his way to destroy. So I've decided that talking about it doesn't help cuz he's all talk and no action so now I am going to give it one more go with the "talking" and then if that doesn't do it I'm going to start having restrictions. I really hope it doesn't come to it but I may end up with a whole lot of mens clothes that won't get hung up and games that are more important than the few simple things I ask him to do to give away. so keep a watch out. Most of the time I feel like I am married to a jackass or a 15 year old. All the cute things and going out of the way he did when we were dating has been replaced by grouciness at the slightest request (your garms have holes in them I'm going to get more for myself would you get dressed and come with me) turn into the hugest fights. (I hate leaving the house. I'm very comfortable when I don't have to I do not want to leave. I'm just going to sit at my effing computer and play the same stupid game forever and eat and fart and burp without getting dressed. not even when we have company over so I look like a slob and not help you and yell over stupid shit and things will be done my way or I will make up stupid excuses for why they can't be done anyother way but the way that I want... ok I may have made up a little of the last part) I'm not sure i can handle a full year living with him like this let alone an eternity. More and more do I wish that I had said "you know I'm going on a mission." I love him dearly but I feel like I am the only one trying in this. I'm done dealing with this. I may be bitchy cunning and evil most of 2010 hopefully we'll come out stronger and I won't be so pissed all the time. Wish me luck on this impossible task.(any and all advice on this situation -however brutal- is welcome and apprecialted)
The last goal I have for this year is to tone down the swearing. I can have a serious mouth on me. (Noooo you may reply. I know it's shocking but true) I doubt I'll ever be able to clear it out completely-especially when I'm upset- but I would like to remove a good chunk of it. but it's a minor goal to the major ones I've mentioned above. aight well it's 5 am. almost. time for soem sleep
1: Run a mile in 7 minutes without being winded
2: Be able to do 10 chin ups.
3: Be able to do 10 push ups
4: Be able to run 5 miles continually without stopping no matter the time.
5: Be able to Face myself in the mirror and not be ashamed. To know that I have done everything I can to better myself physically and have something to show for it. And to know that I can set goals for myself and reach them.
We'll see how this turns out. but I'm locked into a contract with said gym(the only gym in Northern Utah open 24/7) for 12 months. So whether I use it or not I'll be paying $32 a month to them until next Feb. So I'd better use it. (that's $384 in a year) Also I'm hoping to have a kid this time next year. (we'll see how onboard someone else is about this... but we've got about 4 maybe 5 years ot be done having kids. Long Story) But I have high blood pressure and crappy everything habits amoung other things all of which I am working towards for this coming year.
Also on my list of goals is one finacial goal. Get all of the following debt paid off. on our list we have
-One line of credit each at $500 a piece totallying $1000
-A line of Credit at Rc Willeys totalling $1500
-My Credit Card at $1000
-My car at $285. (I should own it by March)
-And our rings that are left with approx $500
If I can get a good chunk of that paid by May along with keeping up on the
current bills then we may think about being able to get a house. But I'm not holding my breath . With me at a GS 5 and Andy refusing to move out of his GS 4 there is no way we could afford a house anyway I crunch it. We'll see what happens.
My next goals are some that will make me sound like a total bitch and could be classified as "Kicking against the pricks" but I'm pretty adament about most of them. Ok some back story. Before We got married when we were just engaged Andy and I talked about what we wanted our future home to be like. We agreed we didn't want to have "packrat piles" like both sets of our parents do. We agreed not to have "dumping grounds" like both our familes do. and we agreed that we would put all dirty dishes in the dishwasher immediatly and not let them pile up. We talked about not leaving clean clothes in the laundry basket and actually putting them away (Which I have been guilty of a few times I will admit)also amoung other things. To date I can count on one hand the number of times that I haven't had to put the dishes away out of the dishwasher because the sink was too full to use. I have never ever once seen him load the dishwasher the way I asked (with all the spoons in one basket section and all the forks in another and all the sharp ones in another and so on) because "that's dumb it takes too long and {He's} not going to do it". We cannot even think about going into our second bedroom except in a straight line to "his" computer (which I will get to later) because we have to keep every box or wire or anything ever. I threw/gave/donanted/stored away 2/3rds of my possesions when we got married cuz I knew we didn't have room and wanted to make a fresh start. He brought everything he's ever owned apperantly and nothing can be parted with. The kitchen counter looks like a 6 year old empted his pockets 3 weeks out of the month til it gets to me and I clean it. No matter what I ask him to do he always ALWAYS has an excuse for why he can't. Either "I've done it this way for 26 years" or "that'll take too long" or my personal favrite "that bothers me" I'm sick of fighting about it so I've started just being bitchy. all the time. I'm sick of it. It's like everything I do to try and make things better he goes out of his way to destroy. So I've decided that talking about it doesn't help cuz he's all talk and no action so now I am going to give it one more go with the "talking" and then if that doesn't do it I'm going to start having restrictions. I really hope it doesn't come to it but I may end up with a whole lot of mens clothes that won't get hung up and games that are more important than the few simple things I ask him to do to give away. so keep a watch out. Most of the time I feel like I am married to a jackass or a 15 year old. All the cute things and going out of the way he did when we were dating has been replaced by grouciness at the slightest request (your garms have holes in them I'm going to get more for myself would you get dressed and come with me) turn into the hugest fights. (I hate leaving the house. I'm very comfortable when I don't have to I do not want to leave. I'm just going to sit at my effing computer and play the same stupid game forever and eat and fart and burp without getting dressed. not even when we have company over so I look like a slob and not help you and yell over stupid shit and things will be done my way or I will make up stupid excuses for why they can't be done anyother way but the way that I want... ok I may have made up a little of the last part) I'm not sure i can handle a full year living with him like this let alone an eternity. More and more do I wish that I had said "you know I'm going on a mission." I love him dearly but I feel like I am the only one trying in this. I'm done dealing with this. I may be bitchy cunning and evil most of 2010 hopefully we'll come out stronger and I won't be so pissed all the time. Wish me luck on this impossible task.(any and all advice on this situation -however brutal- is welcome and apprecialted)
The last goal I have for this year is to tone down the swearing. I can have a serious mouth on me. (Noooo you may reply. I know it's shocking but true) I doubt I'll ever be able to clear it out completely-especially when I'm upset- but I would like to remove a good chunk of it. but it's a minor goal to the major ones I've mentioned above. aight well it's 5 am. almost. time for soem sleep
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