might as well...

I'm up really early and my stomach is turning with nervousness for what may come today so i figured I would blog a little to try and calm myself down so i can have a few more hours sleep before trying to tackle another 10 plus hour day on 2 hours sleep... maybe 2 and a half.

I think I'm really liking my new shift. aside from the fact that I feel like all I do is work and sleep monday-thursday having a 3 day weekend every week is worth it. now if only I could get them to give me this shift on days I'd be set.

I've decided that sitting around waiting to find out that I didn't even make these rosters I haven't heard from yet is killing me. between the house stuff, my sisters shit she is pulling and working the worst shift possible has made me a grumpy beast. so if I haven't heard anything by noon I'm calling the contact numbers on these jobs and finding out if I'm even on the list or just waiting to get another rejection letter. it'll basically make or break.. well everything. My whole old unit got to go to days as did my good buddy Daniel and sounds like it won't be long til Andy does. I'm apparently the only person that can't get a day job. I'm sick of having to work super hard for everything in my life. Jobs, possesions, recognition. Since Jr high nothing has come easy for me except drinking and messing up my life. I paper the town trying to get anyone to hire me for my first job. finally 100 plus applications and interviews later I get a crappy fast food job at Wendy's. I work there for 3 years being the go to person for 2.5 of those years and at the end of it I am still a minimum wage crew member doing the work for a manager without the pay or title. I then go to files and work my ass off there to become a walking IRM (procedural manual basically) of how things are done only to get laid off at the end of that year. i then paper the town again for 6 weeks with 4 years of working experience behind me cuz no one will still hire me. and on top of that I can't even collect unemployment cuz I go to school during the day. so I then while being unemployed and being contiunally turned down for jobs I also am in the middle of a fight to get unemployment as an honest american citizen when any lazy slob or illegal can go collect every week no problem. I finally have to take a shitty CSR job and then 4 weeks later get my unemployment I'm due. Now I am being skipped over for irs jobs and mocked by 2 irs buildings that I have to see every day. I finally 6 months later get an irs job on swings and get jerked around for 2 weeks then get thrown into the worst unit ever. I end up being on the wrong side of the numbers so i desperatly try to jump ship and get into a new unit and put in well over 100 applications again and still hear nothing. Finally 9 months and not a day too soon get this job that I'm currently in. Despite all their promises of "you're a perfect fit to move right into ladder jobs with this training" it doesn't seem like any of us have a shot cuz everyone puts in for every ladder job and nothing. I'm sick of having to claw my way up an inch at a time while people like my sister are able to get any job they put in for no problem. I've tried to be positive about the whole thing but you know what? the next person who says 'it could be worse you could have no job" is getting smacked. It could be worse. I could have a rare flesh eating desease that is slowly killing me from the inside out but I don't right now I have this. and frankly I think losing my sanity feeling trapped in a job cuz I can't go back to my old unit and take a $150 pay cut and be stuck with 3 bitches who are out for my blood and even if that happened there would be no way for me to take another $150 pay cut to go to days unless I moved up a grade cuz we are buying a house. Andy doesn't seem to understand that he needs to get his act together and get out of a 4. He's on a swing to days list and since his job exsists on days it won't take long. I can't tell him he can't go to days unless he goes up a grade cuz he just says things like "we'll make it work." but he talks about going golfing and going to movies and stuff if he got to days. I kinda don't see how to make him understand that if he stays a 4 and goes to days he will sit home every night not playing video games doing chores and never getting to go do anything fun cuz we'll be house broke as it is. him losing $110 a pay check will kill any chance of doing anything fun for both of us. plus I'll prolly still be stuck on nights for god knows how much longer so the resentment thing will come into play no matter how hard I try not to. it'll bad deal. Maybe I'm being selfish and can't see the big picture but I don't see any good coming out of this. at all. basically I'm sick of waiting. I wish it was noon already so i could just call and get this over with. I never knew I could hate a shift this much. I just wanna be on days and feel normal. is that so fucking mutch to ask? I come to work every day. I'm honest if I'm late. Yes I do take longer breaks and lunches than I'm supposed to but who can say they don't? no one in the irs. that's for damn sure. I am dependable to get my work done on time and even pick up the slack for others. I'm a quick learner and a great trainer. I may offend people with some of the things I say but people at the irs are too sensitive anyway for the most part. and I may be a little unbalenced at times but when you can't control how anything is going in your life aren't we all a little emotionally streached? arg! enough about this I'm more worked up than when I began... fingers crossed I hear good news I guess all I can do is wait another 5 hours...

speaking of the house. I have no new news. they should've done the appraisal and inspection this weekend sometime and after that is done we should be clear to have it in 2 weeks or so. again not a whole lot to do but wait. All this waiting...ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now to my sister. she is becoming an idiot since turning 18. hanging out with way too old for her guys with kids from other relationships and way too old for her girls and people the rest of the family isn't comfortable with. then when i tell her I'm not comfortable with any of this she tells me I don't understand. Right I don't fucking understand what it's like to deal with dad and his mood swings or graduating high schhol and having to figure out your life or working two jobs (but I worked 70 hours a week at my two jobs. not fucking 10.. total) or stressing about all of this rolled into one. I've never had to deal with any of that ever. certainly not you know 4 years ago. Don't fucking tell me I don't understand. You don't understand. You've never had to deal with real life for even a second. you've never had to work a job you hate. You have the luxurey of getting whatever job you want. and if you don't like it. you'll quit and have a new job in a week. So let me break it down for you Dad is right. you are a people user. Exhibit A. You've gone thru more "boyfriends" in the last year than I have ever had in my life. I don't think you keep them around for more than a month or so. ever. you let them buy you things and take you places and tell you how pretty you are and that they love you then you dump them and leave them heartbroken for the next "hotter" better not all used up guy. Guy or girl that makes you a sleezeball and a slut. Exhibit B. Darcy has been my best friend since grade school. she always will be my best friend (female). I can tell her anything and anything I can't tell her I shouldn't be doing. despite 3 years of almost never seeing or talking to Darcy I still feel as close to her as ever. Steph has been a good friend since grade school as well. Still is. My group from jr high and high school? for the most part the 12 of us are still in connection and still friends. Tara, Lana, Charla? Still in connection with them. still good friends (at least I think so.) I add to my circle of friends I don't
puch people out to make room for others. Lets look at your Friend history. Ally? good friend til you got "hot" then all of a sudden in jr high she was "too busy" for you (not what she said btw. I asked her wednesday when I saw her she says you left them) Emily? too busy for you.. really? Tesha? Her mom drove us apart. really? she was always tolerable of you when I was around at the very least. sometimes she even seemed downright nice. Michelle. She did screw up. I'll admit that. choosing her boyfriend over you. but she tried to apologize and you snubbed her. people make mistakes. she deserved at least a second chance...cautiously. so your group of 4 from childhood you have no contact with now. amazing. lets see every time I turn around you have a new "BFF" and a new group of friends. all of which I hate. i couldn't name any of them except for amie who i hate. She is a snot and a bitch. And I think Amie was stalking your exbf sam so I think you two are on the outs now. What is the common denomiator here? you. Have I made my point yet? well if not watch mean girls and see how you act. just like Cady? wow. as far as you wanting to go to college. I don't see how you think it'll be any different than high school which you barely manage to go to and pass. Except that in college you pay them and they could give a shit whether you pass or fail as long as your check clears. so good luck with that. and as far as this I don't wanna live anymore God hates me and so I'm just going to throw up everything I eat and hang out with lowlifes and dumb asses to prove how much everyone hates me then yell at anyone who tries to help me crap. Well number one I'm sure God isn't too thrilled with the choices you are making but he doesn't hate you. and If I ever hear you say that again I will box your ears in. Number two if my mother ever. EVER calls me crying like that again you had better be in the hospital or you will be in the hospital. Number three. If I ever hear you treating my mother the way you were last week when she brought you over here for a blessing You will need a new blessing. the got her ass whooped by her sister kind. You may be 18 but you are still my little sister and i will still kick your ass if you need it. and that is my mother you are talking to. The woman who gave me life and taught me everything. The woman who is willing to drop everything and let me curl up in a ball and cry until i throw up if I need to. The woman I want to be just like someday and The woman who I cried for when my life and marraige felt like it was in the toilet. You. Will. Not. Talk. To. Her. Like. That. Again. EVER! I realize i caused her a lot of grief in my time and you know what? I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that. and this is part of it. And Number four. This self harm crap is done. Until you stop all this crap you are no longer welcome to use my house as a refuge. And I've told andy my feelings and he said he will respect my wishes. Quite franlly til you stop going out with losers and harming yourself I will side with dad. and andy will side with me. if that means that you consider me an enemy then so be it. you have no idea how bad things can and will get for you if you keep this up. But your choice

well that is all. now that I am cried out and angried up I think I will try to sleep. HA!