More random late night thoughts.(mostly venting)

Hey Ya'll. Guess who's up at 430 in the effing morning eating cheese and crackers and blogging cuz she can't sleep. like ever? If you guessed me then you are....wrong. The answer I was going for was Robyn. Robyn... Nah I'm just messing with you. it's me (also I've been watching How I met your mother. Awesome show. if you haven't seen it go get Season one disk 2 and watch game night. That's game night. Then go get season 4 I believe also disk two and watch the naked man.- just trust me on this one- If you aren't hooked then there is something seriously wrong with you.) So I figured I'd maybe try and sort out some of these thoughts that are racing thru my head. And staring at a computer screen usually makes me really tired.

First. Denver lost by one point... ONE POINT to Oakland. This was not a good way to start of my Sunday. The Oakland/Denver game used to be one of the biggest ticket games in the NFL. This is a rivalry that is as old as the NFL. It was the toughest game of the season. Twice as big as the U of U/ BYU football game and more brutal than walking thru a dog pound with bacon pants. Lately it's not been that huge since both teams... have not been playing their best. Between Jay Cutler and Jamarcus Russell It's been a low scoring circus of a game. Earlier this year (before the broncos fell apart what up with that?) Denver was able to kill the Raiders on their home turf. Hold them to only a field goal. This time it seems that the Raiders were back with a vengeance. They held us to only Field goals. I wasn't able to watch the game on TV because green bay was playing and we had to watch that and then I just deleted the game off my dvr but How the hell did that happen? I mean really they manage to get 2 or 3 touchdowns and we can't do one? WTF guys? I don't mind losing by a lot to a team that is consistently better than me. I can respect that. But to lose to a team that normally can't pull their heads out on our turf by one fricken point? unacceptable.(Although one really fat raiders receiver lost his pants during a tackle. Funniest thing I've seen in a while.)
That Green Bay Game we had to watch? They also Played my Most hated team ever. EVER The Pittsburgh Steelers. And Green bay also managed to lose by one fricken point. It was not a good day at this household.
And since we are on the subject of Pro football I'll vent on a little longer about that. Up until this point this season there have been two undefeated teams- The colts and the saints- Now I can respect a good team and a good player don't get me wrong. Got nothing against Peyton (Eli is another story) but everything has gone just too perfectly for the Colts. There have been games where the first half they are down by 20+ points with not so much as a holding call on either team and then all of a sudden second half the opposing team gets 37 penalties on them and the colts are able to squeak by and chalk another win. I'm not saying that the colts did anything wrong- aka paid off the refs like a certain Pittsburgh team has admitted to doing. or anything- but I am accusing the NFL big wigs of something. Here's an idea. How bout instead of what team will bring the most money statistically and will cause the fans to go nuts over and lets take the black rookie coach give him a team whose fan base used to be huge but has been slipping a little and a veteran QB who has something to prove cuz his dad played for the same team years ago and whose younger brother has been getting all the glory for the past few years and put them together with a lot of advantages and calls that are questionable to say the least and they'll do what the Patriots couldn't do a few years ago and go undefeated all the way thru the Superbowl to make us so damn much money and instead how bout we go back to that basics? I think that if football (or basketball or any pro sport really) was played the way it was back in the 40's and 50's when honesty and integrity reined supreme that we would have some different standings. also I believe you could get many more people to watch more regularly and players would play for 15 years easy. Instead now you have people that can't even watch the game because the teams take 5 minute breaks between plays to figure out how to physically incapacitate the other team and the refs spend 20 minutes or more on a call that has been challenged haggling the price of their integrity. I hope that in heaven they have sports and on Saturday morning you can go catch a game with all the great players and know that it was a fun friendly game. and then go back to your daily life and have no hard feelings. (I'm personally hoping that I get to play with Floyd Little and Craig Morton and John Elway and and The 2009 roster. As mad as I am right now They are still my heroes to date. I see some potential in the next few years if we're giving a chance.)
Anyway I think the point of that whole paragraph was that the saints lost to my second most hated team the Dallas Cowboys Thursday leaving the Colts the only undefeated team just as it was planned.

Sorry one more, Both my college teams have made it to bowls tho. #8 Ohio State will be first facing #7 Oregon in the first game of the new year that I care about the rose bowl on Jan 1st 2010 at 430 on ABC . watch it. I'm thinking Oregon's explosive offense will be our downfall but I'm just happy we made it. Watch it. Just do it. and then following that on Jan 4Th at 8 pm on fox Boise State will be taking on TCU in the Fiesta bowl. Again prolly going to lose. Still Psyched we made it. Yay.

OK on to real more important things than sports. (although I effectively managed to procrastinate away a full hour)So I've been having some second thoughts about life choices I've recently made. I know these are supposed to come before but I've never really been one for what you're supposed to do. Darcy a month or so ago informed me that she had decided to go on a mission. It pretty much rocked my world. I mean we've been talking about it since we were little kids-no really- and there are few people that would make a better missionary than Darcy but it totally made me stop and go whoa. I mean before when Angi left (she comes back in may. I hope to get another letter to her before that) a mission was still an option for me. In fact it was my plan. I was OK with my life because I was working a respectable job during the day and hanging out with my friends at night. (mostly at the TPP) but then my whole world changed. First we all got laid off. Then I had 3 months of unemployment then I found the worst job in the world and the only way to take it was on nights. which I thought I would like better. I mean get to sleep in during the day and be making money (with night diff I might add) when I was already up? Sounds great right? I was wrong. Then I got on with the IRS again what I've wanted since High School and able to move out of a dead end area into one that would give me lots of experience in the systems that I would need to move up in the company. then i got engaged, then my unit turned into the unit from hell, then married. then extra hellish unit. then I got a grade raise and went from seasonal to perm but I'm still on nights. and now we are here. I mean I know everything happens for a reason and I have to think that if I'm moving up in the IRS so quickly that this is where I'm supposed to be but a part of me almost wishes I had asked Andy to wait and gone on a mission. I wonder where I would've gone and how I would've done and what I could've learned and who I could've helped and all that. As it is I feel like I'm in a rut. I'm constantly pissed off. Andy and I have some of the stupidest fights on a regular basis. Everything that I used to find cute and fun about him pretty much just annoys me at this point. I haven't seen any of my old friends in a very long time. I pretty much have no chance of seeing them for a while cuz of my stupid work schedule. I don't go to school. I don't have a kid, I don't do anything. I stay up doing nothing until 7 am then sleep on the couch til 1230 get up shower go get lunch go to work come home watch TV til 3 toss and turn in bed til 4 get up and start all over again. I haven't been to church since July making me a terrible example to my family. I mean I went thru the whole thing to be married somewhere where they couldn't be and went thru all that turmoil to become inactive the week after? Hell we could've gotten married wherever and went thru a year later. When I was more ready. at least then maybe we'd still be going to church. What incentive will my sister have to want to ever make it to the temple? or my mom or even my dad? none. And if I don't step up I know that someday I will have to answer for that. I know that they are all their own people and have their agency but I want to know that I did everything I could to show them the true happiness that could be found. and I'm not. That peace and happiness that I once had feels like it was a hundred years ago. Lately all I feel is contentious and angry. At everyone. I'm pissed at Andy for being so damn complacent and not having any motivation to even follow thru on anything that we once talked about. I feel like I have to punish him and yell and threaten to get anything done. And I'm taking second place to the damn video games again. which causes my blood to boil. I'm mad at my friends for moving on and living their lives and mostly I'm just mad at myself. I haven't changed. I'm still the fucked up little weirdo form High school. I'm unhappy with myself and the direction that my life has taken but I'm too damn lazy to do a thing about it. I had all these plans of college and friends and not living paycheck to paycheck and not being fat and out of shape and doing something with my life and instead here I sit. I don't know why I thought I was ready for any of this. But I'm also too damn stubborn to admit I was wrong. So instead I'll go on being miserable and lashing out at people I love and not actually saying what's wrong til it boils over in an overreacted manner and then try and clean up the pieces possibly ruining things in the process.

anyway now that I have publicly verbally beaten myself up I still feel like shit but I'm finally kinda tired. I'm going to watch spongebob and fall asleep on an uncomfortable couch for 3 or 4 hours only to wake up to this mess again. Hopefully things will get better with the holidays and such but I fear that even Christmas(my most beloved of all holidays) can't help me feel too much better. I'm hoping that I get to hang out with Charla and Lana the day after Christmas. I usually feel better after talking to them. Charla may get a random text today cuz I can talk to her about absolutely nothing and feel better. I love that about her. And I'll work my butt off at work in hopes of getting off review quickly and beginning the process of rejection for new internal jobs now that I am much more picky and will only accept perm day 5's (or above) and try and figure everything out one thing at a time.

No one said it would be easy. They only said it would be worth it.