Still up to my old insomniatic ways. more thoughts. here goes (In no particular order)
I have been particularly baby hungry lately. It pretty much runs my life anymore. It has been my reason for going to the gym, reason for watching what I eat, reason for going to work and not taking time off. It's my reason for everything. It seems everywhere I look someone is pregnant or just had a baby or has 2 or three little rugrats running around. My two sister in laws that are old enough to be pregnant (Amanda, Erin) are both pregnant. A girl I grew up with (Andrea) is pregnant, my old vocal coach, cast member, and coworker (Shantel) is pregnant, and a girl from my old singles ward (Heidi) is pregnant. Another girl from the singles branch (Maddie) just had a baby recently, Daniel and Katelyn just got the Consent to adoption papers signed by Cayden's birth mother Jordan and Katelyn is always full of stories about the cute things Cayden says or does. Every one of the "gangs" kids have kids, even Hensley's Smack addicted mother has two kids that are being raised by her adulterous half lesbien half psyco mother. I Love little kids but this baby phenomonom is almost starting to make me bitter. It's almost as if God is rubbing my face in babies (and most of them are little boys. Anyone who knows me knows there is nothing I would like more than to have a couple sons running around.) My biggest fear is that I've screwed myself out of ever being able to have kids. I haven't ever taken very good care of myself and as a result I have this awesome condition called Poly Cycstic Ovarien Syndrome(PCOS). I found out that ther reason I have a lower voice, and more bodily hair than other females,very irregular periods, and a lot of other "male" attributes is cuz of this. It Basically means that my Ovaries are covered in Cysts therefore I don't ovulate very often and at very speratic times. It also causes the tesasterone in my body to be at a higher level. Basically it means I'm all out of whack. There is a lady at the terrace that has this same thing. Her name is Sally. She has been trying for prolly 5 years to get pregnant and has yet to have it happen. Hearing about her struggles has scared the crap outta me. They ended up adopting a littel girl just recently and they were so happy to have any baby-even one that has so many potential problems (the mother was a drug addict). It scares the hell outta me that someday that could be me. My friend Shantel also has a hard time getting pregnant-tho not for the same reason-and watching her try and fail and struggle and all that also just scares the living daylights out of me. I don't think I can do that. In fact I know I can't. It's stupid and petty and all that but I don't want to be the broken one. I don't want to be the one that can't have my own kids and has to take someone else's child cuz the teens can't manage to use a condom. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not saying go out and kill your unborn child. Cuz I will beat you into a bloody pulp if you can honestly speak the word 'abortion' in a sentance that starts with "I was pregnant but.." But I want my own. at least one. I want that nervousness of realizing I should prolly go get a stick to pee on. I want the excitment of watching 2 lines or a plus or whatever show up. I want all the dr's visits and excitment of telling everyone and feeling the growth and movment and all of that. Believe it or not I even want the uncomfort and the morning sickness and even the labor(a little). I want the whole shabang. I just fear that I may have fucked it all up for myself by living in the here and now for so long.
Andy doesn't seem to understand this...giant need I guess..and to be fair I've never really explained it to him and even if I tried I don't think I could explain it. I have a hard time explaining it to myself. In fact I can't figure it out at all. Up until like 2 years ago I thought all children were gross. I wanted ntohing to do with them til they were out of high school. The all of a sudden it's like I decided they weren't all that bad. and now I crave one.(Or 3)I'm even ok with the hard stuff. Lexi (niece) was having some serious problems yesterday (she has an auto immune deficiency her body kills her blood platlets and therefore somehow causes sever bruising they can treat it tho) and so we watched Clay for a while and worried about our cute little neice and our family sunday. Everything calmed down about 3 am which wouldn't've been a big deal for me if I had slept til 1 pm like I normally do but I got up at 930 to got to church and had been nervous since I had gotten home. I was exahusted. And the thought came into my head. "are you ready for this? Are you sure this is what you want? Could you do this?" I thought about it for a minute and all I could come up with was "I won't know until I try"(my motto for most everything except trying new foods) hearing Clay Screaming for his Mommy broke my heart. But it also made me want that. I want someone to scream for me when it's bedtime and I'm not around. I want someone to hear me in the kitchen and come running in wanting to help and getting into things even after I've told them a hundred times to not to play with that and then they smile and pretend they aren't doing it. I want someone to come crawl up next to me when the water heater turns on cuz they are scared and just being near me makes it better. I've been watching movies lately about troubled kids (it's not that I pick them more like the movies I have a sudden urge to watch deal with that) and all I can think of is what happens if my kid turns out like tb that? can I handle it? Can I break the Dabb cycle and have the home I always imagined? so many unanswerable questions. Obviously the problems between me and Andy are kinda major and have yet to be resolved. I feel so selfish for even thinking about wanting to bring another soul into this before we settle it that it makes me want to vomit. And yet, I can't stop thinking about it. and I am not the best example. I went to church last week for the first time since before we got married. and the coolest thing was I didn't feel out of place in that ward. I was comfortable enough to speak and share my ideas even on day one class one.
I dunno. I guess I'll deal with one bridge at a time. First I will deal with fixing my spiritual relationship as well as my marital relationship( I have this funny feeling that the two will end up being linked). Then I will worry about the offspring thing.
But I'll never know what I can handle until I'm given a chance to try.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Thoughts
Hiya. More random thoughts to try and sort out. I'm not even going to attempt to put them in any order. (It's not like any of my blogs ever turn out that way anyway) Let's just file this one under stream of conscienceness-or however that is spelled maybe I need to borrow annie's super smart kids to proofread my blogs.
Well we had our first big fight. Nothing got resolved. At first I thought it did but tonight has shown me that nothing did. We argued and yelled and I felt like a jackass and all that. Seems he doesn't feel like he can talk to me. Which may be true. But I can't fix it if he doesn't try to talk to me. Which seems to be the path most taken lately. Which just exasserbates the problem more. But we'll get into that later. I have my own ideas about what is going on. My theory is that he is letting people from childhood run his life today. He often talks vaguely about how he hates it when people take teasing too far or something of the like. He's never even told me. (which really isn't surprising lately see above) but I think I might be on the right path by his reactions when I bring it up. My feelings? Everyone gets teased until they cry at some point in their life. You can't let it follow you forever. I have struggled with it every once in a while but you know. I found a way around it. It still creeps up into my mind every once in a while. but I've turned it into a positive. I don;t want to be the fat awkward kid anymore. so I got the p90x disks and joined a gym to lose weight. I didn't want to be the quiet shy picked on kid so I started doing plays cuz I loved going and watching them. And by doing that I met a whole lot of people with the same interests as I. Also I found something I was good at. Which further boosted my self esteem A lot of good has come from that playhouse. I met Lana there. And from her I met Tara and Charla. All of which have been instramental in my lifestyle changes. I look up to each and every one of them as I would a sister. Charla used to take me to do baptism's for the dead and 6 am every saturday. I am not a morning person but I would willingly get up every saturday at 5:15 shower, get dressed, drive to roy to pick her up (cuz at the time she didn't have her own car) and we would go do baptisms. It was awesome. Tara was able to take me thru the temple my first time. I've always felt a connection with her. We've had similar family/church situations so she has always been able to give me personal advice. I know it's not just what she's suppose to say but it's actually what I need to hear. Lana had been bugging me about going to church and going to the branch and all that. but Tara was the one that actually got me started going. And from there I met all kinds of people and influences. And Lana. What can I say about Lana. She is the craziest, funnest, most positive and upbeat person I have ever met. It doesn't matter what is happening or anything She just has the best attitude about all of it. She's got a special gift for not making you feel like a service project. A gift that many people need. You fell like she genuianly cares about you and that's prolly because she does. I have yet to meet a more Christlike example than these 3 women. If I can grow up to be half as awesome as any one of them I will consider myself lucky. I met and got to know Dustin. He is such a nice guy so full of good advice and I will always treasure the time we've spent in that tech booth. Dustin doesn't sugarcoat things. If you are not doing things right he will tell you. If teching is not for you he will tell you. The fact that he trusted me with the soundbooth and lights for 2 years speaks volumes. I met and got to know Annie. She is an awesome lady. and so funny. She's always had that motherly touch. She's so positive as well but she knows how to gently encourage you to do better. She's another example of someone I would love to be half as awesome as. Or even a quarter. There are so many more but these are the people that stand out to me right now. There was almost nothing about the Playhouse that could be considered a "con" that I can think of. It was hands down one of the best descions I ever made.
But I digress. The whole point of that ramble was to say that you can't hide from people. How are you going to get over your fear of them if you do? "But Myndi," you may say "I don't want to face my fears. I'm content staying in my own dwelling not facing them" "well," I'd reply "That means that you are my husband and/or that is very sad indeed" You can't just hide from everything. If you did that then you would be classified and a paranoid psyco and locked away forever in the looney bin. So that doesn't hold any weight. "so what is your next excuse?" I would then ask to which you would reply "It takes me out of my comfort zone. I hate meeting new people and big crowds of people" Lets see how long it takes me to blow a hole in this one. (I give it one very wordy paragraph) If that were true then things like Going out to dinner, or a movie theater, or a concert, or work, or anything really would be impossible to do. How about that mission? I seriously doubt you had any person you even remotely knew down in argentina. and yet you went. you made some friends. you leared a lot. you grew. How the hell did you manage that when You can't get up the gall to go to my family's superbowl party where every person there asked where you were and two even mentioned that they wished you were here (I realize it's family friends but I have known them since I was born. They are my family) and yet you can go to IHOP with that moron Rik and meet his friends. That's not a problem. Explain that. Is it cuz you're all nerds and can talk about stupid damn video games? Or is it cuz no one in my "Family" will buy your bullshit excuses and they force you to be socialble? *makes buzzer sound* ehh Wrong. no weight here. (not as wordy as I expected.)
"Ok." you will reply "Here is my last one. My dad is like this and I am just like my dad." Hahah Dear brain. Please shut down 95% of yourself. 5% should be more than enough for this. Thanks. Love Myndi. Here is my first line of attack. I am like my dad. We have a lot of the same tendencies and problems and tastes. Does that mean I'm a clone? no. I have my own opinions and thoughts and feelings and actions. When I die I will not be able to stand before God and say 'I'm just like my dad' and get a pass. I will be help accountable for my own choices and actions. I grew up side by side with my dad and we are two very different people now. So that doesn't hold a lot of weight with me. Number 2. How many times when we were dating did you tell me that you did not want to be like your dad? A lot. Don't even try to deny it. So now you are saying that you can't help it? Bull to the Shit. You expressed not wanting to be like that and then chose not to cuz it's hard. We'll buck the fuck up. Anything that is easy isn't worth doing. If you don't have to reach how will you grow? You won't. When I say I'm married to 16 year old this is what I mean. You haven't reached or tried to do anything. You have no goals and the ones you have a shiftless at best. You took an easy job at the IRS and don't try to do anything. You stay in one place for years until it becomes unbearable and then you finally get up the gall to move. I've worked at the IRS for a year and I managed to get to a GS 5 Tax Examiner. You've worked there for 4 or 5 Years and you are a GS 4 Clerk. I have a clear cut goal. I want to be an anaylist. Budget to be exact but I'll take any. I know that I need to get a lead job. and then a managers job, and take the hard cases and any details so that I know as many aspects of the job as a whole as possible. I know it'll prolly take 20+ years to get there. I know I need to get back into school and get an accounting degree. I know that it will be tough and I don't have a whole lot of connections. But I have goals to get there. Get to days. Get to school. Get to lead. Get to manager. etc. I know that it will be hard. But I am willing to work for it. Wht are your goals? get to work? Talk to Rik about stupid fucking stuff with no purpose? My group at work, We discuss finaces, houses, credit scores, you know. things of importance. What's your comeback? You are happy. Well that's cuz you choose to be. If you love AUR so much then maybe you should move up to be a te in aur. But you know. I'm only 21 and a girl so I'm sure you have a much better idea of how this should go. But shouldn't you at least feel some shame or something at the fact that I am the breadwinner? I dunno. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about. But I think I am onto something here. And you keep giving me clues that I am right.
So this is a delclaration. I will not coddle you anymore. We are prolly going to get into it hardcore tomorrow becasue I will (as zombieland so eloquently put it- great movie by the way ) nut up or shut up. We are talking about all of this tomorrow in as calm a way as I can muster. and we are clearing the air. And if you are still being a baby then the next step is councling. We made a comitment and I will do whatever it takes to uphold my end of the bargin. But I will not compromise and let you be a lifeless lump. You at least tried when we were dating. We used to be able to talk. What the crap happened? I've invested a lot in you. therefore I am going to try and fix a few of the bad habits I see. If you were more open to suggestion then maybe I would be more open to any you see. But from where I'm sitting I'm the only one trying to improve herself here. I didn't do this when we were dating cuz I didn't have a lot invested in you. Now I do. And I will not allow you to sit stagnet any longer. That is all for now.
Well we had our first big fight. Nothing got resolved. At first I thought it did but tonight has shown me that nothing did. We argued and yelled and I felt like a jackass and all that. Seems he doesn't feel like he can talk to me. Which may be true. But I can't fix it if he doesn't try to talk to me. Which seems to be the path most taken lately. Which just exasserbates the problem more. But we'll get into that later. I have my own ideas about what is going on. My theory is that he is letting people from childhood run his life today. He often talks vaguely about how he hates it when people take teasing too far or something of the like. He's never even told me. (which really isn't surprising lately see above) but I think I might be on the right path by his reactions when I bring it up. My feelings? Everyone gets teased until they cry at some point in their life. You can't let it follow you forever. I have struggled with it every once in a while but you know. I found a way around it. It still creeps up into my mind every once in a while. but I've turned it into a positive. I don;t want to be the fat awkward kid anymore. so I got the p90x disks and joined a gym to lose weight. I didn't want to be the quiet shy picked on kid so I started doing plays cuz I loved going and watching them. And by doing that I met a whole lot of people with the same interests as I. Also I found something I was good at. Which further boosted my self esteem A lot of good has come from that playhouse. I met Lana there. And from her I met Tara and Charla. All of which have been instramental in my lifestyle changes. I look up to each and every one of them as I would a sister. Charla used to take me to do baptism's for the dead and 6 am every saturday. I am not a morning person but I would willingly get up every saturday at 5:15 shower, get dressed, drive to roy to pick her up (cuz at the time she didn't have her own car) and we would go do baptisms. It was awesome. Tara was able to take me thru the temple my first time. I've always felt a connection with her. We've had similar family/church situations so she has always been able to give me personal advice. I know it's not just what she's suppose to say but it's actually what I need to hear. Lana had been bugging me about going to church and going to the branch and all that. but Tara was the one that actually got me started going. And from there I met all kinds of people and influences. And Lana. What can I say about Lana. She is the craziest, funnest, most positive and upbeat person I have ever met. It doesn't matter what is happening or anything She just has the best attitude about all of it. She's got a special gift for not making you feel like a service project. A gift that many people need. You fell like she genuianly cares about you and that's prolly because she does. I have yet to meet a more Christlike example than these 3 women. If I can grow up to be half as awesome as any one of them I will consider myself lucky. I met and got to know Dustin. He is such a nice guy so full of good advice and I will always treasure the time we've spent in that tech booth. Dustin doesn't sugarcoat things. If you are not doing things right he will tell you. If teching is not for you he will tell you. The fact that he trusted me with the soundbooth and lights for 2 years speaks volumes. I met and got to know Annie. She is an awesome lady. and so funny. She's always had that motherly touch. She's so positive as well but she knows how to gently encourage you to do better. She's another example of someone I would love to be half as awesome as. Or even a quarter. There are so many more but these are the people that stand out to me right now. There was almost nothing about the Playhouse that could be considered a "con" that I can think of. It was hands down one of the best descions I ever made.
But I digress. The whole point of that ramble was to say that you can't hide from people. How are you going to get over your fear of them if you do? "But Myndi," you may say "I don't want to face my fears. I'm content staying in my own dwelling not facing them" "well," I'd reply "That means that you are my husband and/or that is very sad indeed" You can't just hide from everything. If you did that then you would be classified and a paranoid psyco and locked away forever in the looney bin. So that doesn't hold any weight. "so what is your next excuse?" I would then ask to which you would reply "It takes me out of my comfort zone. I hate meeting new people and big crowds of people" Lets see how long it takes me to blow a hole in this one. (I give it one very wordy paragraph) If that were true then things like Going out to dinner, or a movie theater, or a concert, or work, or anything really would be impossible to do. How about that mission? I seriously doubt you had any person you even remotely knew down in argentina. and yet you went. you made some friends. you leared a lot. you grew. How the hell did you manage that when You can't get up the gall to go to my family's superbowl party where every person there asked where you were and two even mentioned that they wished you were here (I realize it's family friends but I have known them since I was born. They are my family) and yet you can go to IHOP with that moron Rik and meet his friends. That's not a problem. Explain that. Is it cuz you're all nerds and can talk about stupid damn video games? Or is it cuz no one in my "Family" will buy your bullshit excuses and they force you to be socialble? *makes buzzer sound* ehh Wrong. no weight here. (not as wordy as I expected.)
"Ok." you will reply "Here is my last one. My dad is like this and I am just like my dad." Hahah Dear brain. Please shut down 95% of yourself. 5% should be more than enough for this. Thanks. Love Myndi. Here is my first line of attack. I am like my dad. We have a lot of the same tendencies and problems and tastes. Does that mean I'm a clone? no. I have my own opinions and thoughts and feelings and actions. When I die I will not be able to stand before God and say 'I'm just like my dad' and get a pass. I will be help accountable for my own choices and actions. I grew up side by side with my dad and we are two very different people now. So that doesn't hold a lot of weight with me. Number 2. How many times when we were dating did you tell me that you did not want to be like your dad? A lot. Don't even try to deny it. So now you are saying that you can't help it? Bull to the Shit. You expressed not wanting to be like that and then chose not to cuz it's hard. We'll buck the fuck up. Anything that is easy isn't worth doing. If you don't have to reach how will you grow? You won't. When I say I'm married to 16 year old this is what I mean. You haven't reached or tried to do anything. You have no goals and the ones you have a shiftless at best. You took an easy job at the IRS and don't try to do anything. You stay in one place for years until it becomes unbearable and then you finally get up the gall to move. I've worked at the IRS for a year and I managed to get to a GS 5 Tax Examiner. You've worked there for 4 or 5 Years and you are a GS 4 Clerk. I have a clear cut goal. I want to be an anaylist. Budget to be exact but I'll take any. I know that I need to get a lead job. and then a managers job, and take the hard cases and any details so that I know as many aspects of the job as a whole as possible. I know it'll prolly take 20+ years to get there. I know I need to get back into school and get an accounting degree. I know that it will be tough and I don't have a whole lot of connections. But I have goals to get there. Get to days. Get to school. Get to lead. Get to manager. etc. I know that it will be hard. But I am willing to work for it. Wht are your goals? get to work? Talk to Rik about stupid fucking stuff with no purpose? My group at work, We discuss finaces, houses, credit scores, you know. things of importance. What's your comeback? You are happy. Well that's cuz you choose to be. If you love AUR so much then maybe you should move up to be a te in aur. But you know. I'm only 21 and a girl so I'm sure you have a much better idea of how this should go. But shouldn't you at least feel some shame or something at the fact that I am the breadwinner? I dunno. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about. But I think I am onto something here. And you keep giving me clues that I am right.
So this is a delclaration. I will not coddle you anymore. We are prolly going to get into it hardcore tomorrow becasue I will (as zombieland so eloquently put it- great movie by the way ) nut up or shut up. We are talking about all of this tomorrow in as calm a way as I can muster. and we are clearing the air. And if you are still being a baby then the next step is councling. We made a comitment and I will do whatever it takes to uphold my end of the bargin. But I will not compromise and let you be a lifeless lump. You at least tried when we were dating. We used to be able to talk. What the crap happened? I've invested a lot in you. therefore I am going to try and fix a few of the bad habits I see. If you were more open to suggestion then maybe I would be more open to any you see. But from where I'm sitting I'm the only one trying to improve herself here. I didn't do this when we were dating cuz I didn't have a lot invested in you. Now I do. And I will not allow you to sit stagnet any longer. That is all for now.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
FUCK COMPUTERS
I Fucking hate Computers. Can I just say that one more time? I FUCKING HATE COMPUTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to have one hell of a week I forsee.
Today I got up. Went out to the couch, laid back down and of course fell asleep again. When I woke up I had a text from my mom saking if I was going to come do taxes today. I said yeah so I got up, Showered, Went to the Post Office, got tax forms, then went to my mom's house to do our taxes (yay $2500 back) It took prolly 3 and a half hours to do my taxes and then another hour to hour and a half to file them online. (Cuz I'm a slow typer) between that and going to the store with my mom and chatting with my family I was gone prolly 6-7 hours. I made it home to find that my husband (I use the term loosly in this case) was sitting at home on that damn computer. I didn't want to explode and make things worse (I of all people know that ADDICTION is a sensitive thing) So I put on my ipod and proceeded to make a cheesecake for tomorrow's superbowl party(strawberry chocolate), get all the nacho stuff together that I am bringing. tidy up the bathroom (I've been letting it go for like two weeks-which I'll explain later-but It finally got to me I didn't deep clean like it needs but I wiped it down), make kool aid, make frozen juice, change the grabages in the bathroom and kitchen, file all the tax stuff away, get my clothes out of the dryer, hang them up, put away the whites I did earlier, and pick up my shoes from my side of the bed and clean that up a little. He sat out here and played Left 4 dead 2 then watched the new spongebob and penguins episodes. I came out without saying a word and sat on the couch. we finished watching the episode he handed me the remotes said here watch whatever, then went into the kitchen at 2 effing 30 in the damn morning and made the only effing thing he eats a cheese quesadilla with catsup then asked if he could skip my families superbowl party. I said "Not to stay here and play those damn games. You're computer and game time has gotten completely out of control." to which he said "I play games as much as you watch tv and play on your computer. Besides I only played like twice this week with the exception of tuesday and two of them were today (Lie I saw him at least 3 times this week before or after work)And I said "I manage to keep this house running. You emptied the dishwaser. once. and it took you 4 days to do it. Those were washed on tuesday and they got put away today." to which his reply was "They were put away yesterday" (possible. but prolly not) he then said nothing and neither did I and then he went to bed without saying a word. And now I am blogging to keep from packing my shit, calling my mom, and leaving. Or going in there to yell at him.
Lets back up a little shall we. Last week (thursday night) He cleaned the litter box for the first time in like 2 weeks because it was so full that the cat wouldn't use it anymore and proceeded to pee all over the house. and put it in a wal mart bag and set it by the door. It was late so I didn't pitch my usualy fit about how stinky the cat poo is and how it needs to be taken out immediatly, which never happens so I dunno why I waste my breath. Friday after work I came home and beat him home by a good 4 hours cuz on fridays he goes to ihop after work with (evil voice and flames in eyes and behind head) Rik. Who I could care less if he dropped over dead. I hate Rik. Rik will henceforth be known as he who shall not be named a la Harry Potter. but more on that later. I was leaving for Wendover Saturday for my buddy Sammie's 21st (to which he wouldn't come either) so I packed my stuff and went to sleep. I got up in the morning, got picked up by Sammie and left before he got out of bed. The Cat mess or Bag o poo as it will now be refered to was still there when I left. I went to wendover won $100 at the garter, every machine I touched turned to money, and condemend myself to hell for the time being by drinking enought to necessitate a giant hangover monday. We came back about 2 pm sunday. Bag o Poo was still there. Andy on the computer when I got home. (To his credit he did get off long enought to hear my stories) I was still drunk, but coming down and I had had like 3 hours of restless drunk sleep (drinking=great sleep, Drunk=terrible sleep, Passed out=terrible sleep but lots of it)the night before so I promplty fell asleep on the love seat when I woke up the first time(about 4 pm) he was playing (evil voice, scary music fire) Zelda on the wii. I think I got up, peed, drank some water to try and stave off the hangover (It didn't work. I got really sick. Side note. DId you know that when you get a hangover your brain actaully shrinks. cuz teh alcohol has dehydreted the rest of your organs the only place left with water is your brain so it sends it's water to other places and shrink pulling on the membranes in your head and causing the pounding headache. I learned it this week) and then passed out again. When I woke up again (about 9 or 10 pm) he was still playing Zelda. he then got off the tv so I could watch it (not that it mattered. I spent most of the next two days in the bathroom or asleep) and went and played on the computer for a few hours. Bag o poo was still there. Monday came and went bag o poo stayed, same with tuesday and wednesday. Thursday He got home about 230 (he gets off at 130. he can't get all his taking to he who shall not be named in the 9 hours he's there so he needs another 1-6 hours a night to talk to him. ERG. And his sister was bringing her cat over for us to watch so he changed the litter again and finally took out the bag o poo. Thursday night. that's a full week it sat there. Strike one. As afore mentioned The dishwasher was ran sometime between tuesday and wednesday it was emptied friday night. strike two. He claimed Friday that he was "too sick to go to work" but then went to ihop before I got home at 1240 and promised me that he wouldn't stay out too long. he rolled home at 6 effing am. strike three. Two weekends ago he spent 12 hours on saturday and 12 hours on sunday on the computer. He didn't say 4 sentances to me all weekend.Strike four. Months ago when we first got married he promised me he would only play on the weekends cuz 'it's a stupid thing to fight about' for the last month I've been keeping tabs on him. He hasn't kept that promise in at least a month but I'd venture to say since about nov when he met he who shall not be named. strikes five and six. I mange to do my laundry and put it away. He has not hung up a shirt since I made him the first time. His clothes just stay in the basket they come in by the magic laundry elves. If I ask him to pick up his pants and put them away there is always an excuse "It bothers me to hang up pants cuz it bends the hangers" to which you may reply as I did then why don't you put them in a drawer? and his response? " It bothers me to put them in a drawer. I just need a corner where I can stack them" yeah. The cat peed on his two "good" pairs of pants (yet he has 9 "bad" pairs lying around the house.) And he got mad and yelled at the cat. to which I said. "That's funny. She didn't pee on my pants,or any of my clothes actually. Oh wait that's cuz they are hung up or put in a drawer like they are supposed to be. Don't yell at her cuz you can't put your clothes away" He didn't think that was very funny. Strike seven. Today. While I was gone doing taxes and errands and things like that I had a load of whites in the washer. I live in a 900 sq foot apt. you can hear when the washer is done. I get home 2 hours later to pick up a flash drive with his last years tax return on it. The whites are still in the washer. They had been done for prolly an hour and he couldn't find 5 minutes to put them in the dryer. Strike eight. He will argue with me for hours on end about why he can only use irish spring soap, and why only his movies are any good (I swear if I hear one more word about the 'holy trinity' of fucking star wars I will go bananas), and why I can't by the cheap lexmark ink printer just so we have a printer and why we have to by teh 240 lazer color toner printer, and flip out if his precious video games are the slightest bit out of some ungodly order that I can't figure out, tell me ways to improve anything I cook or just not eat it. (I've stopped cooking sunday dinner. He can fend for himself.) or spend ten minutes looking up somethng on the fucking blackberry to prove that he is right but he can't put any of that enery into anything productive. like going to school ("I will only go to steven's henniger. and only for it. That's where my dad went and he didn't have to take generals. I hate generals." yeah and that's also a non accredited school outside of utah with a 90% dropout rate.) Or getting a better position in the IRS ("i'm happy where I'm at. and it's not like we're hurting so why does it matter?" yeah if you want to stay in this tiny apt with no kids and no dogs, and hope like hell that nothing breaks down or rates don't go up on anything cuz we have a bunch of credit card debt then yeah. stay where you are. with a shit manager and a shittier "friend" (I use the term loosly) which is the real reason you won't even try to move) or clean. anything. or even just pick up after himself. ("I don't want to mess up your cleaning" trust me cleaning it again won't mess it up) I swear if it doesn't have a fucking dragon or mage magic or some other stupid shit in it then he doesn't care about it. strike nine. But the crowning strike is the fact that unlike any normal human being he can apperantly go 7 weeks without any kind of.. how do i put this nicely... physical closeness? Yeah 7 weeks. I'm pretty sure that is one of the major signs of addiction. Strike ten.
I found this article online about video game addiction and it lists 8 major warning signs then it says that if you or someone you know is experiencing 3 or more that they need some help. I will post these signs now and bold the ones he has
1.Obsession or preoccupation about computer games or playing video games on a video game console excessively
2.Neglecting personal relationships with friends and family to spend more time playing video games
3.Difficulty keeping up with personal or professional responsibilities due to increased hours playing video games. Have you ever “called in sick” to stay home to play your favorite game?
4.Lying to others about computer or video game use. Do you sneak time to play games, perhaps late at night while others are asleep? Has someone close to you, perhaps your significant other, ever criticized you for spending too much time playing video games rather than spending time with them?
5.While not spending time on the internet or playing video games, do you feel angry, agitated, irritable or depressed? Do you experience withdrawal symptoms when not playing video games?
6.Do you spend most of your time thinking or wishing you could be playing your favorite game or surfing the web? (it's all he talks about so I'm assuming that is the case
7.Do you become so involved in playing video games that you sometimes neglect to eat, sleep, or bathe?
8.Do you ever experience physical symptoms such as backaches, dry eyes or headaches after playing video games? -He complains of these things all the time- Have you been diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome or experience symptoms of carpal tunnel?
As you can see he has 8 out of 8. I'm done. I know I have said this beofre but this time I mean it. I will bring up the problem again tomorrow before I leave for the party and if he gets the slightest bit defensive about the new 12 hours a week (max two a day) time restriction it'll come down to an ultimatum. Me or the fucking games. I sure hope all that crap about how much he loves me and how I'm the most important thing in his life wasn't just hot air like everything else he's ever told me. I guess I'll soon find out huh?
Today I got up. Went out to the couch, laid back down and of course fell asleep again. When I woke up I had a text from my mom saking if I was going to come do taxes today. I said yeah so I got up, Showered, Went to the Post Office, got tax forms, then went to my mom's house to do our taxes (yay $2500 back) It took prolly 3 and a half hours to do my taxes and then another hour to hour and a half to file them online. (Cuz I'm a slow typer) between that and going to the store with my mom and chatting with my family I was gone prolly 6-7 hours. I made it home to find that my husband (I use the term loosly in this case) was sitting at home on that damn computer. I didn't want to explode and make things worse (I of all people know that ADDICTION is a sensitive thing) So I put on my ipod and proceeded to make a cheesecake for tomorrow's superbowl party(strawberry chocolate), get all the nacho stuff together that I am bringing. tidy up the bathroom (I've been letting it go for like two weeks-which I'll explain later-but It finally got to me I didn't deep clean like it needs but I wiped it down), make kool aid, make frozen juice, change the grabages in the bathroom and kitchen, file all the tax stuff away, get my clothes out of the dryer, hang them up, put away the whites I did earlier, and pick up my shoes from my side of the bed and clean that up a little. He sat out here and played Left 4 dead 2 then watched the new spongebob and penguins episodes. I came out without saying a word and sat on the couch. we finished watching the episode he handed me the remotes said here watch whatever, then went into the kitchen at 2 effing 30 in the damn morning and made the only effing thing he eats a cheese quesadilla with catsup then asked if he could skip my families superbowl party. I said "Not to stay here and play those damn games. You're computer and game time has gotten completely out of control." to which he said "I play games as much as you watch tv and play on your computer. Besides I only played like twice this week with the exception of tuesday and two of them were today (Lie I saw him at least 3 times this week before or after work)And I said "I manage to keep this house running. You emptied the dishwaser. once. and it took you 4 days to do it. Those were washed on tuesday and they got put away today." to which his reply was "They were put away yesterday" (possible. but prolly not) he then said nothing and neither did I and then he went to bed without saying a word. And now I am blogging to keep from packing my shit, calling my mom, and leaving. Or going in there to yell at him.
Lets back up a little shall we. Last week (thursday night) He cleaned the litter box for the first time in like 2 weeks because it was so full that the cat wouldn't use it anymore and proceeded to pee all over the house. and put it in a wal mart bag and set it by the door. It was late so I didn't pitch my usualy fit about how stinky the cat poo is and how it needs to be taken out immediatly, which never happens so I dunno why I waste my breath. Friday after work I came home and beat him home by a good 4 hours cuz on fridays he goes to ihop after work with (evil voice and flames in eyes and behind head) Rik. Who I could care less if he dropped over dead. I hate Rik. Rik will henceforth be known as he who shall not be named a la Harry Potter. but more on that later. I was leaving for Wendover Saturday for my buddy Sammie's 21st (to which he wouldn't come either) so I packed my stuff and went to sleep. I got up in the morning, got picked up by Sammie and left before he got out of bed. The Cat mess or Bag o poo as it will now be refered to was still there when I left. I went to wendover won $100 at the garter, every machine I touched turned to money, and condemend myself to hell for the time being by drinking enought to necessitate a giant hangover monday. We came back about 2 pm sunday. Bag o Poo was still there. Andy on the computer when I got home. (To his credit he did get off long enought to hear my stories) I was still drunk, but coming down and I had had like 3 hours of restless drunk sleep (drinking=great sleep, Drunk=terrible sleep, Passed out=terrible sleep but lots of it)the night before so I promplty fell asleep on the love seat when I woke up the first time(about 4 pm) he was playing (evil voice, scary music fire) Zelda on the wii. I think I got up, peed, drank some water to try and stave off the hangover (It didn't work. I got really sick. Side note. DId you know that when you get a hangover your brain actaully shrinks. cuz teh alcohol has dehydreted the rest of your organs the only place left with water is your brain so it sends it's water to other places and shrink pulling on the membranes in your head and causing the pounding headache. I learned it this week) and then passed out again. When I woke up again (about 9 or 10 pm) he was still playing Zelda. he then got off the tv so I could watch it (not that it mattered. I spent most of the next two days in the bathroom or asleep) and went and played on the computer for a few hours. Bag o poo was still there. Monday came and went bag o poo stayed, same with tuesday and wednesday. Thursday He got home about 230 (he gets off at 130. he can't get all his taking to he who shall not be named in the 9 hours he's there so he needs another 1-6 hours a night to talk to him. ERG. And his sister was bringing her cat over for us to watch so he changed the litter again and finally took out the bag o poo. Thursday night. that's a full week it sat there. Strike one. As afore mentioned The dishwasher was ran sometime between tuesday and wednesday it was emptied friday night. strike two. He claimed Friday that he was "too sick to go to work" but then went to ihop before I got home at 1240 and promised me that he wouldn't stay out too long. he rolled home at 6 effing am. strike three. Two weekends ago he spent 12 hours on saturday and 12 hours on sunday on the computer. He didn't say 4 sentances to me all weekend.Strike four. Months ago when we first got married he promised me he would only play on the weekends cuz 'it's a stupid thing to fight about' for the last month I've been keeping tabs on him. He hasn't kept that promise in at least a month but I'd venture to say since about nov when he met he who shall not be named. strikes five and six. I mange to do my laundry and put it away. He has not hung up a shirt since I made him the first time. His clothes just stay in the basket they come in by the magic laundry elves. If I ask him to pick up his pants and put them away there is always an excuse "It bothers me to hang up pants cuz it bends the hangers" to which you may reply as I did then why don't you put them in a drawer? and his response? " It bothers me to put them in a drawer. I just need a corner where I can stack them" yeah. The cat peed on his two "good" pairs of pants (yet he has 9 "bad" pairs lying around the house.) And he got mad and yelled at the cat. to which I said. "That's funny. She didn't pee on my pants,or any of my clothes actually. Oh wait that's cuz they are hung up or put in a drawer like they are supposed to be. Don't yell at her cuz you can't put your clothes away" He didn't think that was very funny. Strike seven. Today. While I was gone doing taxes and errands and things like that I had a load of whites in the washer. I live in a 900 sq foot apt. you can hear when the washer is done. I get home 2 hours later to pick up a flash drive with his last years tax return on it. The whites are still in the washer. They had been done for prolly an hour and he couldn't find 5 minutes to put them in the dryer. Strike eight. He will argue with me for hours on end about why he can only use irish spring soap, and why only his movies are any good (I swear if I hear one more word about the 'holy trinity' of fucking star wars I will go bananas), and why I can't by the cheap lexmark ink printer just so we have a printer and why we have to by teh 240 lazer color toner printer, and flip out if his precious video games are the slightest bit out of some ungodly order that I can't figure out, tell me ways to improve anything I cook or just not eat it. (I've stopped cooking sunday dinner. He can fend for himself.) or spend ten minutes looking up somethng on the fucking blackberry to prove that he is right but he can't put any of that enery into anything productive. like going to school ("I will only go to steven's henniger. and only for it. That's where my dad went and he didn't have to take generals. I hate generals." yeah and that's also a non accredited school outside of utah with a 90% dropout rate.) Or getting a better position in the IRS ("i'm happy where I'm at. and it's not like we're hurting so why does it matter?" yeah if you want to stay in this tiny apt with no kids and no dogs, and hope like hell that nothing breaks down or rates don't go up on anything cuz we have a bunch of credit card debt then yeah. stay where you are. with a shit manager and a shittier "friend" (I use the term loosly) which is the real reason you won't even try to move) or clean. anything. or even just pick up after himself. ("I don't want to mess up your cleaning" trust me cleaning it again won't mess it up) I swear if it doesn't have a fucking dragon or mage magic or some other stupid shit in it then he doesn't care about it. strike nine. But the crowning strike is the fact that unlike any normal human being he can apperantly go 7 weeks without any kind of.. how do i put this nicely... physical closeness? Yeah 7 weeks. I'm pretty sure that is one of the major signs of addiction. Strike ten.
I found this article online about video game addiction and it lists 8 major warning signs then it says that if you or someone you know is experiencing 3 or more that they need some help. I will post these signs now and bold the ones he has
1.Obsession or preoccupation about computer games or playing video games on a video game console excessively
2.Neglecting personal relationships with friends and family to spend more time playing video games
3.Difficulty keeping up with personal or professional responsibilities due to increased hours playing video games. Have you ever “called in sick” to stay home to play your favorite game?
4.Lying to others about computer or video game use. Do you sneak time to play games, perhaps late at night while others are asleep? Has someone close to you, perhaps your significant other, ever criticized you for spending too much time playing video games rather than spending time with them?
5.While not spending time on the internet or playing video games, do you feel angry, agitated, irritable or depressed? Do you experience withdrawal symptoms when not playing video games?
6.Do you spend most of your time thinking or wishing you could be playing your favorite game or surfing the web? (it's all he talks about so I'm assuming that is the case
7.Do you become so involved in playing video games that you sometimes neglect to eat, sleep, or bathe?
8.Do you ever experience physical symptoms such as backaches, dry eyes or headaches after playing video games? -He complains of these things all the time- Have you been diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome or experience symptoms of carpal tunnel?
As you can see he has 8 out of 8. I'm done. I know I have said this beofre but this time I mean it. I will bring up the problem again tomorrow before I leave for the party and if he gets the slightest bit defensive about the new 12 hours a week (max two a day) time restriction it'll come down to an ultimatum. Me or the fucking games. I sure hope all that crap about how much he loves me and how I'm the most important thing in his life wasn't just hot air like everything else he's ever told me. I guess I'll soon find out huh?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
