Thoughts

Hiya. More random thoughts to try and sort out. I'm not even going to attempt to put them in any order. (It's not like any of my blogs ever turn out that way anyway) Let's just file this one under stream of conscienceness-or however that is spelled maybe I need to borrow annie's super smart kids to proofread my blogs.

Well we had our first big fight. Nothing got resolved. At first I thought it did but tonight has shown me that nothing did. We argued and yelled and I felt like a jackass and all that. Seems he doesn't feel like he can talk to me. Which may be true. But I can't fix it if he doesn't try to talk to me. Which seems to be the path most taken lately. Which just exasserbates the problem more. But we'll get into that later. I have my own ideas about what is going on. My theory is that he is letting people from childhood run his life today. He often talks vaguely about how he hates it when people take teasing too far or something of the like. He's never even told me. (which really isn't surprising lately see above) but I think I might be on the right path by his reactions when I bring it up. My feelings? Everyone gets teased until they cry at some point in their life. You can't let it follow you forever. I have struggled with it every once in a while but you know. I found a way around it. It still creeps up into my mind every once in a while. but I've turned it into a positive. I don;t want to be the fat awkward kid anymore. so I got the p90x disks and joined a gym to lose weight. I didn't want to be the quiet shy picked on kid so I started doing plays cuz I loved going and watching them. And by doing that I met a whole lot of people with the same interests as I. Also I found something I was good at. Which further boosted my self esteem A lot of good has come from that playhouse. I met Lana there. And from her I met Tara and Charla. All of which have been instramental in my lifestyle changes. I look up to each and every one of them as I would a sister. Charla used to take me to do baptism's for the dead and 6 am every saturday. I am not a morning person but I would willingly get up every saturday at 5:15 shower, get dressed, drive to roy to pick her up (cuz at the time she didn't have her own car) and we would go do baptisms. It was awesome. Tara was able to take me thru the temple my first time. I've always felt a connection with her. We've had similar family/church situations so she has always been able to give me personal advice. I know it's not just what she's suppose to say but it's actually what I need to hear. Lana had been bugging me about going to church and going to the branch and all that. but Tara was the one that actually got me started going. And from there I met all kinds of people and influences. And Lana. What can I say about Lana. She is the craziest, funnest, most positive and upbeat person I have ever met. It doesn't matter what is happening or anything She just has the best attitude about all of it. She's got a special gift for not making you feel like a service project. A gift that many people need. You fell like she genuianly cares about you and that's prolly because she does. I have yet to meet a more Christlike example than these 3 women. If I can grow up to be half as awesome as any one of them I will consider myself lucky. I met and got to know Dustin. He is such a nice guy so full of good advice and I will always treasure the time we've spent in that tech booth. Dustin doesn't sugarcoat things. If you are not doing things right he will tell you. If teching is not for you he will tell you. The fact that he trusted me with the soundbooth and lights for 2 years speaks volumes. I met and got to know Annie. She is an awesome lady. and so funny. She's always had that motherly touch. She's so positive as well but she knows how to gently encourage you to do better. She's another example of someone I would love to be half as awesome as. Or even a quarter. There are so many more but these are the people that stand out to me right now. There was almost nothing about the Playhouse that could be considered a "con" that I can think of. It was hands down one of the best descions I ever made.
But I digress. The whole point of that ramble was to say that you can't hide from people. How are you going to get over your fear of them if you do? "But Myndi," you may say "I don't want to face my fears. I'm content staying in my own dwelling not facing them" "well," I'd reply "That means that you are my husband and/or that is very sad indeed" You can't just hide from everything. If you did that then you would be classified and a paranoid psyco and locked away forever in the looney bin. So that doesn't hold any weight. "so what is your next excuse?" I would then ask to which you would reply "It takes me out of my comfort zone. I hate meeting new people and big crowds of people" Lets see how long it takes me to blow a hole in this one. (I give it one very wordy paragraph) If that were true then things like Going out to dinner, or a movie theater, or a concert, or work, or anything really would be impossible to do. How about that mission? I seriously doubt you had any person you even remotely knew down in argentina. and yet you went. you made some friends. you leared a lot. you grew. How the hell did you manage that when You can't get up the gall to go to my family's superbowl party where every person there asked where you were and two even mentioned that they wished you were here (I realize it's family friends but I have known them since I was born. They are my family) and yet you can go to IHOP with that moron Rik and meet his friends. That's not a problem. Explain that. Is it cuz you're all nerds and can talk about stupid damn video games? Or is it cuz no one in my "Family" will buy your bullshit excuses and they force you to be socialble? *makes buzzer sound* ehh Wrong. no weight here. (not as wordy as I expected.)
"Ok." you will reply "Here is my last one. My dad is like this and I am just like my dad." Hahah Dear brain. Please shut down 95% of yourself. 5% should be more than enough for this. Thanks. Love Myndi. Here is my first line of attack. I am like my dad. We have a lot of the same tendencies and problems and tastes. Does that mean I'm a clone? no. I have my own opinions and thoughts and feelings and actions. When I die I will not be able to stand before God and say 'I'm just like my dad' and get a pass. I will be help accountable for my own choices and actions. I grew up side by side with my dad and we are two very different people now. So that doesn't hold a lot of weight with me. Number 2. How many times when we were dating did you tell me that you did not want to be like your dad? A lot. Don't even try to deny it. So now you are saying that you can't help it? Bull to the Shit. You expressed not wanting to be like that and then chose not to cuz it's hard. We'll buck the fuck up. Anything that is easy isn't worth doing. If you don't have to reach how will you grow? You won't. When I say I'm married to 16 year old this is what I mean. You haven't reached or tried to do anything. You have no goals and the ones you have a shiftless at best. You took an easy job at the IRS and don't try to do anything. You stay in one place for years until it becomes unbearable and then you finally get up the gall to move. I've worked at the IRS for a year and I managed to get to a GS 5 Tax Examiner. You've worked there for 4 or 5 Years and you are a GS 4 Clerk. I have a clear cut goal. I want to be an anaylist. Budget to be exact but I'll take any. I know that I need to get a lead job. and then a managers job, and take the hard cases and any details so that I know as many aspects of the job as a whole as possible. I know it'll prolly take 20+ years to get there. I know I need to get back into school and get an accounting degree. I know that it will be tough and I don't have a whole lot of connections. But I have goals to get there. Get to days. Get to school. Get to lead. Get to manager. etc. I know that it will be hard. But I am willing to work for it. Wht are your goals? get to work? Talk to Rik about stupid fucking stuff with no purpose? My group at work, We discuss finaces, houses, credit scores, you know. things of importance. What's your comeback? You are happy. Well that's cuz you choose to be. If you love AUR so much then maybe you should move up to be a te in aur. But you know. I'm only 21 and a girl so I'm sure you have a much better idea of how this should go. But shouldn't you at least feel some shame or something at the fact that I am the breadwinner? I dunno. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about. But I think I am onto something here. And you keep giving me clues that I am right.
So this is a delclaration. I will not coddle you anymore. We are prolly going to get into it hardcore tomorrow becasue I will (as zombieland so eloquently put it- great movie by the way ) nut up or shut up. We are talking about all of this tomorrow in as calm a way as I can muster. and we are clearing the air. And if you are still being a baby then the next step is councling. We made a comitment and I will do whatever it takes to uphold my end of the bargin. But I will not compromise and let you be a lifeless lump. You at least tried when we were dating. We used to be able to talk. What the crap happened? I've invested a lot in you. therefore I am going to try and fix a few of the bad habits I see. If you were more open to suggestion then maybe I would be more open to any you see. But from where I'm sitting I'm the only one trying to improve herself here. I didn't do this when we were dating cuz I didn't have a lot invested in you. Now I do. And I will not allow you to sit stagnet any longer. That is all for now.