Mostly baby related

Still up to my old insomniatic ways. more thoughts. here goes (In no particular order)

I have been particularly baby hungry lately. It pretty much runs my life anymore. It has been my reason for going to the gym, reason for watching what I eat, reason for going to work and not taking time off. It's my reason for everything. It seems everywhere I look someone is pregnant or just had a baby or has 2 or three little rugrats running around. My two sister in laws that are old enough to be pregnant (Amanda, Erin) are both pregnant. A girl I grew up with (Andrea) is pregnant, my old vocal coach, cast member, and coworker (Shantel) is pregnant, and a girl from my old singles ward (Heidi) is pregnant. Another girl from the singles branch (Maddie) just had a baby recently, Daniel and Katelyn just got the Consent to adoption papers signed by Cayden's birth mother Jordan and Katelyn is always full of stories about the cute things Cayden says or does. Every one of the "gangs" kids have kids, even Hensley's Smack addicted mother has two kids that are being raised by her adulterous half lesbien half psyco mother. I Love little kids but this baby phenomonom is almost starting to make me bitter. It's almost as if God is rubbing my face in babies (and most of them are little boys. Anyone who knows me knows there is nothing I would like more than to have a couple sons running around.) My biggest fear is that I've screwed myself out of ever being able to have kids. I haven't ever taken very good care of myself and as a result I have this awesome condition called Poly Cycstic Ovarien Syndrome(PCOS). I found out that ther reason I have a lower voice, and more bodily hair than other females,very irregular periods, and a lot of other "male" attributes is cuz of this. It Basically means that my Ovaries are covered in Cysts therefore I don't ovulate very often and at very speratic times. It also causes the tesasterone in my body to be at a higher level. Basically it means I'm all out of whack. There is a lady at the terrace that has this same thing. Her name is Sally. She has been trying for prolly 5 years to get pregnant and has yet to have it happen. Hearing about her struggles has scared the crap outta me. They ended up adopting a littel girl just recently and they were so happy to have any baby-even one that has so many potential problems (the mother was a drug addict). It scares the hell outta me that someday that could be me. My friend Shantel also has a hard time getting pregnant-tho not for the same reason-and watching her try and fail and struggle and all that also just scares the living daylights out of me. I don't think I can do that. In fact I know I can't. It's stupid and petty and all that but I don't want to be the broken one. I don't want to be the one that can't have my own kids and has to take someone else's child cuz the teens can't manage to use a condom. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not saying go out and kill your unborn child. Cuz I will beat you into a bloody pulp if you can honestly speak the word 'abortion' in a sentance that starts with "I was pregnant but.." But I want my own. at least one. I want that nervousness of realizing I should prolly go get a stick to pee on. I want the excitment of watching 2 lines or a plus or whatever show up. I want all the dr's visits and excitment of telling everyone and feeling the growth and movment and all of that. Believe it or not I even want the uncomfort and the morning sickness and even the labor(a little). I want the whole shabang. I just fear that I may have fucked it all up for myself by living in the here and now for so long.

Andy doesn't seem to understand this...giant need I guess..and to be fair I've never really explained it to him and even if I tried I don't think I could explain it. I have a hard time explaining it to myself. In fact I can't figure it out at all. Up until like 2 years ago I thought all children were gross. I wanted ntohing to do with them til they were out of high school. The all of a sudden it's like I decided they weren't all that bad. and now I crave one.(Or 3)I'm even ok with the hard stuff. Lexi (niece) was having some serious problems yesterday (she has an auto immune deficiency her body kills her blood platlets and therefore somehow causes sever bruising they can treat it tho) and so we watched Clay for a while and worried about our cute little neice and our family sunday. Everything calmed down about 3 am which wouldn't've been a big deal for me if I had slept til 1 pm like I normally do but I got up at 930 to got to church and had been nervous since I had gotten home. I was exahusted. And the thought came into my head. "are you ready for this? Are you sure this is what you want? Could you do this?" I thought about it for a minute and all I could come up with was "I won't know until I try"(my motto for most everything except trying new foods) hearing Clay Screaming for his Mommy broke my heart. But it also made me want that. I want someone to scream for me when it's bedtime and I'm not around. I want someone to hear me in the kitchen and come running in wanting to help and getting into things even after I've told them a hundred times to not to play with that and then they smile and pretend they aren't doing it. I want someone to come crawl up next to me when the water heater turns on cuz they are scared and just being near me makes it better. I've been watching movies lately about troubled kids (it's not that I pick them more like the movies I have a sudden urge to watch deal with that) and all I can think of is what happens if my kid turns out like tb that? can I handle it? Can I break the Dabb cycle and have the home I always imagined? so many unanswerable questions. Obviously the problems between me and Andy are kinda major and have yet to be resolved. I feel so selfish for even thinking about wanting to bring another soul into this before we settle it that it makes me want to vomit. And yet, I can't stop thinking about it. and I am not the best example. I went to church last week for the first time since before we got married. and the coolest thing was I didn't feel out of place in that ward. I was comfortable enough to speak and share my ideas even on day one class one.

I dunno. I guess I'll deal with one bridge at a time. First I will deal with fixing my spiritual relationship as well as my marital relationship( I have this funny feeling that the two will end up being linked). Then I will worry about the offspring thing.

But I'll never know what I can handle until I'm given a chance to try.