I decided I'm not done yet for today, and where I'm teathered to my phone waiting for the call to come down to the hospital and see my nephew I'll vent and wallow some more.
So I took the day off work cuz Erin was getting induced today. I've sat on pins and needles all day just waiting. I cannot wait to meet him. It sounds bad but I've felt connected to Zaid since we found out Erin was preggers. I'm not sure why but I've never felt this way about any of the others. I mean I loved Clay and Lexi from day one but I didn't meet them until they were like 3 and 1. And then when Amanda got Pregnant with Austin I was.. actually really jealous. But once I got over that I was excited again. But I never really felt anymore connect to Austin than with any of the others. I dunno if it's just that I didn't spend as much time with Amanda while she was prego or what but for whatever reason I just never felt as close to him. Also he cries everytime I touch him. I still love him but I think I've made my point.
Zaid on the other hand, I attribute it to the fact that Paul was gone almost all of Erins pregnancy working in Iraq. I mowed Erins lawn for her all summer and got to go with her to register for her baby shower. It was so neat and I will forever be grateful for the experience. As clueless as we were in the store (how many of these will I need. Oh I dunno. We shoulda brought Amanda huh?) it was so much fun. I've talked to him a few times thru Erins tummy and let him know that I'm here with a whole room full of toys and no one for him to have to share them with. So when he gets mad at his parents he can call me and I will come get him. They all laugh but I'm serious. Like I said I've felt connected to him in a new way. I'd like to think that we really will be buddies and I can help him in some way. I'm not sure tho. I can't really help myself right now let alone anyone else. I'm letting myself get beaten by some setbacks. Albeit a lot of setbacks but still... So what I got screwed at work so what I have to start from the bottom yet again with managment that treats me like crap. does that mean I should curl up and die? No. I'm still going to fight at work to keep my job. or at least get something positive outta this endevor. I know that I deserve better and I know that I am willing to fight to get what I deserve. Acting like a baby is only going to make things worse. I have a valid case and I will be heard and keep going until I get results. It's unfair sure but a lot if things are. Everyone else can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It sucks. anyone who has never had to experience this has no idea what it's like. and anyone who tells me it'll happen when it's time doesn't have a clue either. I've decided that in Nov I'm going to my dr and saying I've done everything you've asked and none of it works and I need to get pregnant. Help me as is or I will find someone who will.
Anywho I'm going to go get some dinner then hopefully go meet Zaiden.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
the big bang theory and other ramblings
so I'm sitting here watching my newly aquired seasons of the big bang theory and I thought maybe I'd try and figure some stuff out... or wallow... prolly wallow mostly. and angrily.
so first off I had my second college midterm. 97.1% boo yah! If I only take one class at a time I can graduate college with a 4.0 in only 15.5 years. So when I am 37.5 we will have a fun graduation party. and then another 7 years later we'll have one for my masters and then another 7 years later for my doctorates. so when I am 52 approxamatly I can have the title of dr master. and everyone will refer to me as such. I may legally get my name changed to Dr Master Barnett.... yeah... but I digress. I guess I should focus on the here and now. I'm just throwing the idea out there for you three who read this ( Hi Charla, and possibly Annie and Amanda... best guess) Since you all only have 29.5 years to get used to the idea...
On to the rest of my life. I'm losing a grade and a title at work. And I'm pissed. This pilot program was shit when team one came in. we sat thru three weeks of useless training because no one knew what we would or wouldn't need. We were given the worst desk instructions ever spawned and daily. nay hourly changes for months on end. Then we were told that another team was going to be brought on and we all worried about them taking our jobs. Upper managment swore up and down that the other team was collapsaible. They would go first. now in the interest of being "fair" they have put all of us in a big pot and went by who had been there the longest and who had the best evaluation. so since I've only been there a year and have had shitty lazy power trippy managers I'm getting screwed outta a team I helped build up from the damn ground up. Oh and even better anytime I bring up a valid point about why this is bull shit I get talked in circles or told "that's just the way it is." Then they come to me and ask me to do things like show the super higher ups how to work a case or take extra cases "cuz we're super behind" but still tell me theres nothing they can do. I even got a talking to about my "attitude" after I told my boss to ask someone who would "still be on this team in a month" to take extra work. No shit I have an attitude. You want to work me like a slave then get rid of me. I feel like a whore. I've been paid for my services now I need to get out. I suppose I will start from the bottom again. I know I am better than this. I work my ass off for that place and get shit on in return. Fuck it. Fuck em. My next month will be a cake walk. I hate everyone there and I think my boss understands that I am super pissed and have no problems annoucing it. so I will spend the next two weeks enjoying my last fridays off and catching up on movies and tv shows. Anus. I'm coming back. stay the hell outta my way. I hate you . You hate me. I will try and be outta your hair as quickly as possible.
My Family has become a living hell. My father is a fuckhead and I have had about all of him I can take. Ellie has decided to move into her own aptment. She found one in layton that is afordable for her. Im so not comfortable with her living alone. But She's 18. I can't stop her. And really she has no choice. The way my father is acting right now I'm surprised my mother hasn't slept here once or twice. or infinitly. I've decided as bad of an idea as it may be to set a timeline and at the end of it if things haven't gotten better then I am stepping in. If things stay the same and my father doesn't say or do anything stupid he has til Thanksgiving to straighten the fuck up. He told my mom that He would rather sit at home alone on thanksgiving then lay eyes on the daughter that "quit the family" (which side note. I hear that phrase one more time my timeline and patience will go to zero and I cannot be held responsable for my actions.) If he is so petty as to miss thanksgivine so help me god I will spend this holiday season in jail and he will spend it in the hospital. For my whole life (but more...vigorously(?) the last 8 years or so) he's been so stubborn and stupid. However he percieves things thats the way they are and that is that. Regardless of what kinda logic or reason you put into a situation if he thinks it's this way then its this way. I'm glad Ellie chose a less destructive way of dealing with it rather than bite her tongue and then get wasted. But I still don't like the idea of her getting thrown out 2 weeks after graduation. He has always pitted us against each other. I cannot count how many times Ellie has told me in my life things like "you're the favorite" or "they can't help me cuz they are too busy helping you." It's caused a real riff in our relationship and I would give anything to change it. Between that wedge froom my father and my out of control bursts of anger and the physical manifestations of it I'm afraid that our relationship is almost irrepariable. And that makes me even more angry. I can count the number of times I've been held down and yelled at or beaten or choaked or any number of other horrible things as punishment. I'm now big enough to take on my dad and he's got nothing to hold over me. Thanksgiving is the end of my rope. I love Christmas and if he is going to ruin it then he doesn't get to be a part of it. Or my life. And from here on out I have new rules concerning him regardless of outcome. #1. He will never. ever. be allowed alone with my children. Ever. I'm not sure if even him and my mom will be left alone cuz He'll just do whatever he wants and make her cry if she tries to stop him. I love my future children too much to put them thru the Hellish nightmare that was my life. In fact if Andy or I are not there then I don't think my kids will be. I will call Ellie or call Mom or call and pay Darcy (she informed me she charges by the hour and unless I get prego in the next two months she'll be home before I have kids) He's unfit to be around children. #2 If He so much as makes a hurtful statment, joking or not, towards me, andy, ellie, mom, or my kids I will flatten his ass. I spent my whole life hearing "You were an accident anyway" (note: my parents aniversary is May 7th 1988. My birthday is Nov 5th 1988. You do the math) You know when you hear that day in and day out my whole life. and then when I would act hurt he would say "I'm only joking grow some tougher skin" Well after 22 years jokes obviously have some meaning. #3. I'm done asking for or accepting help. I will stand on my own like Ellie is being forced to. I tell my mom all the time I have extra rooms and an extra bed (type thing. aka futon). I wouldn't be surprised if she took me up on that someday. Andy knows how I feel about this so he's even been limiting his interactions with my dad. And #4. If my mother cries because of him one more time he had better be in the hospital or he soon will be. I. Will. Not. Stand. For. That. Anymore. Once more and I will need you guys to come visit me in jail. But if I have to go down there Thanksgiving and beat some sense into him all other rules will go out the window and we will go to the only rule. Mike is not allowed within 50 feet of my house. He is not to contact me or Andy or our children. I will get a restraining order if I have to. But if he tries to keep my mother from seeing me or me from seeing her I will go down there and break both his legs. I'm done with the high school bullshit.
Anywho that's about enough for this one.
so first off I had my second college midterm. 97.1% boo yah! If I only take one class at a time I can graduate college with a 4.0 in only 15.5 years. So when I am 37.5 we will have a fun graduation party. and then another 7 years later we'll have one for my masters and then another 7 years later for my doctorates. so when I am 52 approxamatly I can have the title of dr master. and everyone will refer to me as such. I may legally get my name changed to Dr Master Barnett.... yeah... but I digress. I guess I should focus on the here and now. I'm just throwing the idea out there for you three who read this ( Hi Charla, and possibly Annie and Amanda... best guess) Since you all only have 29.5 years to get used to the idea...
On to the rest of my life. I'm losing a grade and a title at work. And I'm pissed. This pilot program was shit when team one came in. we sat thru three weeks of useless training because no one knew what we would or wouldn't need. We were given the worst desk instructions ever spawned and daily. nay hourly changes for months on end. Then we were told that another team was going to be brought on and we all worried about them taking our jobs. Upper managment swore up and down that the other team was collapsaible. They would go first. now in the interest of being "fair" they have put all of us in a big pot and went by who had been there the longest and who had the best evaluation. so since I've only been there a year and have had shitty lazy power trippy managers I'm getting screwed outta a team I helped build up from the damn ground up. Oh and even better anytime I bring up a valid point about why this is bull shit I get talked in circles or told "that's just the way it is." Then they come to me and ask me to do things like show the super higher ups how to work a case or take extra cases "cuz we're super behind" but still tell me theres nothing they can do. I even got a talking to about my "attitude" after I told my boss to ask someone who would "still be on this team in a month" to take extra work. No shit I have an attitude. You want to work me like a slave then get rid of me. I feel like a whore. I've been paid for my services now I need to get out. I suppose I will start from the bottom again. I know I am better than this. I work my ass off for that place and get shit on in return. Fuck it. Fuck em. My next month will be a cake walk. I hate everyone there and I think my boss understands that I am super pissed and have no problems annoucing it. so I will spend the next two weeks enjoying my last fridays off and catching up on movies and tv shows. Anus. I'm coming back. stay the hell outta my way. I hate you . You hate me. I will try and be outta your hair as quickly as possible.
My Family has become a living hell. My father is a fuckhead and I have had about all of him I can take. Ellie has decided to move into her own aptment. She found one in layton that is afordable for her. Im so not comfortable with her living alone. But She's 18. I can't stop her. And really she has no choice. The way my father is acting right now I'm surprised my mother hasn't slept here once or twice. or infinitly. I've decided as bad of an idea as it may be to set a timeline and at the end of it if things haven't gotten better then I am stepping in. If things stay the same and my father doesn't say or do anything stupid he has til Thanksgiving to straighten the fuck up. He told my mom that He would rather sit at home alone on thanksgiving then lay eyes on the daughter that "quit the family" (which side note. I hear that phrase one more time my timeline and patience will go to zero and I cannot be held responsable for my actions.) If he is so petty as to miss thanksgivine so help me god I will spend this holiday season in jail and he will spend it in the hospital. For my whole life (but more...vigorously(?) the last 8 years or so) he's been so stubborn and stupid. However he percieves things thats the way they are and that is that. Regardless of what kinda logic or reason you put into a situation if he thinks it's this way then its this way. I'm glad Ellie chose a less destructive way of dealing with it rather than bite her tongue and then get wasted. But I still don't like the idea of her getting thrown out 2 weeks after graduation. He has always pitted us against each other. I cannot count how many times Ellie has told me in my life things like "you're the favorite" or "they can't help me cuz they are too busy helping you." It's caused a real riff in our relationship and I would give anything to change it. Between that wedge froom my father and my out of control bursts of anger and the physical manifestations of it I'm afraid that our relationship is almost irrepariable. And that makes me even more angry. I can count the number of times I've been held down and yelled at or beaten or choaked or any number of other horrible things as punishment. I'm now big enough to take on my dad and he's got nothing to hold over me. Thanksgiving is the end of my rope. I love Christmas and if he is going to ruin it then he doesn't get to be a part of it. Or my life. And from here on out I have new rules concerning him regardless of outcome. #1. He will never. ever. be allowed alone with my children. Ever. I'm not sure if even him and my mom will be left alone cuz He'll just do whatever he wants and make her cry if she tries to stop him. I love my future children too much to put them thru the Hellish nightmare that was my life. In fact if Andy or I are not there then I don't think my kids will be. I will call Ellie or call Mom or call and pay Darcy (she informed me she charges by the hour and unless I get prego in the next two months she'll be home before I have kids) He's unfit to be around children. #2 If He so much as makes a hurtful statment, joking or not, towards me, andy, ellie, mom, or my kids I will flatten his ass. I spent my whole life hearing "You were an accident anyway" (note: my parents aniversary is May 7th 1988. My birthday is Nov 5th 1988. You do the math) You know when you hear that day in and day out my whole life. and then when I would act hurt he would say "I'm only joking grow some tougher skin" Well after 22 years jokes obviously have some meaning. #3. I'm done asking for or accepting help. I will stand on my own like Ellie is being forced to. I tell my mom all the time I have extra rooms and an extra bed (type thing. aka futon). I wouldn't be surprised if she took me up on that someday. Andy knows how I feel about this so he's even been limiting his interactions with my dad. And #4. If my mother cries because of him one more time he had better be in the hospital or he soon will be. I. Will. Not. Stand. For. That. Anymore. Once more and I will need you guys to come visit me in jail. But if I have to go down there Thanksgiving and beat some sense into him all other rules will go out the window and we will go to the only rule. Mike is not allowed within 50 feet of my house. He is not to contact me or Andy or our children. I will get a restraining order if I have to. But if he tries to keep my mother from seeing me or me from seeing her I will go down there and break both his legs. I'm done with the high school bullshit.
Anywho that's about enough for this one.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Im back
as requested a few months agoin a comment telegraph ( thanks Charla) I am going to post another blog. also I am done with my homework and have a few hours until andy gets home so I will revert back to blogging and try and catch up.
Number one. We got the house and a dog. We're still not unpacked (I hope to have it done by the time darcy gets back next december)Im not even close to good at blogging so if you want to see a picture of the dog you'll have to get on facebook when I get around to posting them( sorry charla.) Its a whole new step in my life. I love having a house. it took some getting used to but I finally feel like this is my home. I still think its haunted but its getting less creepy. Ive settled down in marrage life and I think that is a big reason I have grown to love this place. But on the flip side I sometimes feel traped. I now have responsibilities. Everyone has been telling me lately that I am so lucky to have a house at 21. But I worked my whole life for this. I didn't buy a car til I was 18 and I bought a cheap used one (that i love.) with no extras and paid it off and plan to have it til it dies or I have too many kids to fit in a tercel (2). I didn't get a credit card til last year and even then its a very small amount. I have worked hard to keep my credit good and worked even harder to build andys back up. I had a fire lit under my ass from day one and worked hard to get into a better job and have been working hard ever since to keep trying to move up. I have earned this house. I feel like when people attribute it to luck and good timing they are minimizing the work I put in my whole life to getting this house. Luck and good timing did have something to do with it but really it was my hard headedness and God's help that got us into this house.
I got the cutest dog on the planet. Her name is Mesha and she is so-o cute! She's about 6 years old and we got her from pets mart. We went into petsmart and they had all these cages lined up. She was in the last one and I turned the corner and fell in love. She was so cute and scared. We bought her and took her home. she was skittish and hard to control at first but now she is an irreversable part of the family. The cat has even adjusted. they aren't friends but the cat will move around and be near the dog and the dog doesn't try and eat the cat. She is half blue healer and half brittney. She is the dog of my dreams. When she wags her tail it goes in a circle like a helicopter and she always has a stuffed toy in her mouth. She stands at the door when we leave and is sometimes still there when we get back. just waiting. Shes good about having her ears pulled or rough housing. Its so nice and cute. I love her so much and she is my dog. for the first time in my life I have a dog that is mine. no one can tell me how to raise her or discipline her.
thats all for now cuz I am super tired. I have a feeling I will be back shortly tho
Number one. We got the house and a dog. We're still not unpacked (I hope to have it done by the time darcy gets back next december)Im not even close to good at blogging so if you want to see a picture of the dog you'll have to get on facebook when I get around to posting them( sorry charla.) Its a whole new step in my life. I love having a house. it took some getting used to but I finally feel like this is my home. I still think its haunted but its getting less creepy. Ive settled down in marrage life and I think that is a big reason I have grown to love this place. But on the flip side I sometimes feel traped. I now have responsibilities. Everyone has been telling me lately that I am so lucky to have a house at 21. But I worked my whole life for this. I didn't buy a car til I was 18 and I bought a cheap used one (that i love.) with no extras and paid it off and plan to have it til it dies or I have too many kids to fit in a tercel (2). I didn't get a credit card til last year and even then its a very small amount. I have worked hard to keep my credit good and worked even harder to build andys back up. I had a fire lit under my ass from day one and worked hard to get into a better job and have been working hard ever since to keep trying to move up. I have earned this house. I feel like when people attribute it to luck and good timing they are minimizing the work I put in my whole life to getting this house. Luck and good timing did have something to do with it but really it was my hard headedness and God's help that got us into this house.
I got the cutest dog on the planet. Her name is Mesha and she is so-o cute! She's about 6 years old and we got her from pets mart. We went into petsmart and they had all these cages lined up. She was in the last one and I turned the corner and fell in love. She was so cute and scared. We bought her and took her home. she was skittish and hard to control at first but now she is an irreversable part of the family. The cat has even adjusted. they aren't friends but the cat will move around and be near the dog and the dog doesn't try and eat the cat. She is half blue healer and half brittney. She is the dog of my dreams. When she wags her tail it goes in a circle like a helicopter and she always has a stuffed toy in her mouth. She stands at the door when we leave and is sometimes still there when we get back. just waiting. Shes good about having her ears pulled or rough housing. Its so nice and cute. I love her so much and she is my dog. for the first time in my life I have a dog that is mine. no one can tell me how to raise her or discipline her.
thats all for now cuz I am super tired. I have a feeling I will be back shortly tho
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