eff my family, and my life.

I realized a few things last night:

1. My dad is a stubborn selfish asswipe that refuses to change
2. I am just like him
3. I have to get out of this house. and soon. or One of us will end up dead or in jail
4. Andy is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I don't know what I did to deserve him but it was obviously something amazing. and
5. because of this I can't let him in my life more than he is.

I love him too much to put him thru this hell hole that I call life. I can't. I would rather die alone and miserable than ever condemn another person to this. I can't stand the thought of being so insecure that I have to rule him with fear and guilt the way my dad has been doing to my mom of late. And I can't stand the thought of resenting my future children the was my dad does me. If I hadn't come along he wouldn't've ever had to marry my mom. they coulda just continued living in sin. Or the thought of my kids being chased out of their own house, Knowing that the damn dog has more claim to this house than they do. I can't stand it. And the person that would do that to them is me. That gene or trait or blood or idea has been natured or nurtured into me so strongly that I don't know that I could ever change it. The only way to be sure and not do this to the ones I love is to never let them get close enough for me to do it. Once I am out of this contentious shithole of a house I can never come back. and I will never allow my house to get like this. ever. I don't know what to do. I love andy more than I ever thougth possible and I think I got divine permission last night but I know that in order to be worthy to enter the temple and have myself ready to receive.. whatever it is I'm aposta learn when I go in there I would have to forgive my dad. Truly forgive him. And I can't do that. I'll be eternally damned but I cannot do it. And I could never allow anyone I love so strongly to settle for the broken distrustful person that I am. Not in good conscience. And even as I type this I know that I would rather be with andy and the knowledge that he had settled and that I was a selfish human than ever lose him. My life revolves around him and I have a life because of him. he's stopped me from doing stupid things so many times he doesn't even know. From giving up and ending up back in the word of wisdom prison that I struggled so hard to escape to talking enough sense into me that I realize that assault with a deadly weapon is not the answer. Even tho it would force my father to listen to me it would forever sever any chance of repairing this and it would land me my second or third strike. at 20 I could be facing life with no parole. it's not worth it. I dunno.