- My dad is amazingly childish.
- I have the same weaknesses he does. But unlike him I am willing to admit that I am wrong and don't know anything and trust God even if i don't like what I am being told.
- I'm done putting forth all the effort to try and keep things pleasant, or at least livable.
- and I was going to lose him when I got married anyway. We're just starting a little early.
It's amazing. I went from feeling like the most worthless piece of sh*t on the planet and in 20 minutes with Andy all that went away. Gone. I was level headed-well as levelheaded as I get-and wondered why I cared in the first place. I have Andy and I am happy. Nothing else should matter. Amazing. I then went to work(which is a joke anymore. I'm not learning jack squat at this point I'd rather be out on the floor. yes I still wouldn't know how to do what I'm aposta be learning but at east if I got a live call about it I would have to learn-baptism by fire and all you know- but I'm still hoping for an IRS job right quick like January. before the job bid at teleperformence. but that's a whole different story) and learned about the history of the spork. I kid you not. I was that bored(btw 50,400 seconds until the weekend. yes. again.I was that bored) and then it was time to come home. I listened to Christmas music and choir music and night driving by thrice so I would be calm when I got home so I could try and at least not make things worse. I got in my dad just glared at me from the time i walked in and I went "hi" as pleasantly as I could(I'm good at faking pleasant. remember? Wendy's 3 years. telemarketer now. yeah. I can be sweet as pie.. or so you would think) And he takes that an shits on it. "I won't ask you about your life anymore so you won't rip my head off. I'm sorry I care too much." (My first thought was a giant. I'm sorry you care too much about yourself and you resent me.... but I was trying to not sever this completely) so I said you know what? I tried and you rejected. Sit her and be a bitter selfish old man. I'm done putting forth effort. I'm not hurt or mad anymore but I sure as hell am done." and I walked away. He hasn't spoken or even looked at me since but that's fine. I was going to lose him anyway.
Next point. I'm finally OK with getting married at 20. lol it didn't take much to convince me, just a few divine kicks upside the head. ;) The problem now comes when it becomes official and we have to tell our-my-family.(I guess I should still speak hypothetically.. if it becomes official) Andy comes from an extra religious family. as in he is like directly related to some of the first members of the church(I think its the smiths but I'm not sure.) there was really never any doubt he was going to go on mission and he's never been accused of being "too good for this family" I'm sure. His brother was married in the temple. Even tho his two sisters couldn't come. It won't be a big huge deal. they would all go good basically.
My family is different. There are 4 relatives on my side that could actually be inside the temple. 4. And at least two of them aren't close enough to me to make the trip up here from Nephi or wherever. yeah. so my two grandmas.. maybe. My mom and I have already had a big blow out about this a few months ago. It went something like this:
Mom: So what's the deal with you and Andy?
Me: I dunno. We're dating.
Mom: So is it like serious?
Me: I dunno
Mom: well if things do become serious I'd like you to think about getting married outside the temple first so your father and I can be there.
Me: That won't happen. If you guys want to be there when/if I get married you know what you need to do. you've got plenty of time
Mom: You just hate your family and don't want them there. You Know your father would never change and never let me do what it would take.
Me: Well that's you Guy's choice. I don't hate you. I would like nothing more than for you guys to be there. But I won't compromise. I will never end up in a house like this again. Full of distrust and resentment and anger. and if/when I find someone I would care enough about to give myself to I won't risk losing him. I will be with him for all eternity. What if in that year before we could go again One of us died? or something. or we were never eligible again? cuz that happens more often than one would think. Then the whole til death do you part would stand. I won't have that happen.
Mom: you know your father would be crushed...
Me: again, his choice. But I've made mine and I won't waiver so get used to the idea*turns to leave*
Mom:*screaming* you just want any excuse to cut your family out of your life! That boy has brainwashed you with a bunch of pretty pictures! You'll regret not having your family there for the rest of your life!
Me:*now severely ticked and also screaming* He is not brainwashing me! I made this choice long ago! You are the one who got brainwashed! I'm sorry I have standards and won't settle. You made your choices long ago too! I'll regret not having my family there sure. but I'd regret not doing what I know is right even more. And my kids will have the example to look up to. one or both parents will be rms and married in the temple. the first time. you can be to the reception after and all the other stuff but I won't change. And if I ever hear you talk about Andy that way again regardless of if you are my mother or not I will knock you on your ass. You do not get to talk about him like that. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. EVER! He accepts me for who I am and he has saved me from myself so many times before. So I suggest you either find a way to change or accept that you can't be there. Cuz this discussion is over!
I then got in my car and drove away. This was months ago. like August. when we had first started dating. So I've always kinda known the impact this choice would have. Now I'm actually purely terrified to start this up again. It would break my mom's heart to not be able to actually be there. But She'd accept my decision even if she didn't agree. My dad on the other hand would think it was just my way of Keeping him out of my life and would disown me. Not only that but he would force my mom and sister-as long as they lived there- to ostracise me as well. Ellie would support me. I'm sure. We've talked about it. And maybe if I went thru all the hard huge fights-that I can handle. or I would. whether I could or not-it would make things easier on her when and if her time comes and she makes that choice. I don't want to lose my family or have to choose between them and my God. But if forced I will. And My God will win. Every time. Then hopefully things would work out from there. But yeah. again. These are initial concerns. I've decided I will deal with any and all of them when the time comes from here on out-HA as I laugh at myself right...-or so I say.
Yeah. So this is my amazing life. Aren't you jealous?
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