So I'm really confused so I'm going to blog and hope to get some semblance of understanding.. or at least organization of said confusing thoughts and feelings:
K haha so I'll start with the good: Andy got a gs4 perm job-which is very good. He'll be making more money and stuff so he can move out and what not. The bad(I think) is it's a swing job.. meaning from like 4-1230 at night I think.. so I'm not going to get to see as much of him as I'd like.. but I did manage to see him while he was working graves and I was working days so it can be done. I wonder if this was a little for me too... I've kinda been waiting around hoping to get my old files job back cuz I didn't want to give up my nights to working and days to school. But I made the decision that I am sick of waiting around for something that may or may not happen and I want to get back out there and get a job(I hate Hate HATE!!! not having income.. I have a car payment along with various other bills i.e. school insurance and gas for said car and I'm trying to move out by this time next year so it would be nice to be able to start putting back into that fund instead of taking out) and then this happened so I think that's kinda the go ahead.. i know I can get a swing type job whenev I want.. I'm not all about going back to food but nights aren't that bad and I know how to do it and deal with school at the same time I did it all thru high school and with only 2 or 3 hours of school a day I'd be ok.. but that's a last resort so unless something magical in jobland happens in the next 7 hours or so til I go to bed that's going to be a big part of tomorrow. yeah. it sucks.
ok number two: speaking of Andy! BAH!!!! Why are boys so hard to read?! I have no idea what he is thinking or wants half the time... then again I don't really know what I want most the time either... But yeah I don't even know what to think about the whole Andy situation. I always want to be around him, when my life went to shit a few weeks ago he was the first person I told and some of the only times I could think and breath and not just sit in my room freaking out and unable to function was when I was with him. I always feel so safe when I'm with him, like nothing could ever hurt me, and I hate leaving him at his doorstep (or him leaving me at mine). Last night despite the fact that was freaking cold as hell and way too late for either of us to be up cuz we both had to get up semi early I couldn't help but want to just stay with him( I nearly fell asleep on his shoulder is how this story ended.. he told me I had to go inside and go to sleep or else), I used to be able to go to movies and plays and stuff with Krogman and Zane or by myself and now it just feels weird without him there, I used to not live to hear my phone vibrate hoping i could go over there.. hell even doing homework is more fun and easier to do when I'm with him (well maybe not easier to do but when I do do it I retain more info it's so weird) Knowing him has given me and eternal perspective that 20 years of church couldn't do and that has helped me in so many ways, he's also given me an undying testimony of the priesthood and the knowledge that I both want and need that in my life for the duration there of. I can talk to him about anything and everything under the sun. Last night we went from talking about the movie we had just seen to work to religion to sex to the future to family issues to music to teasing about embarrassing past things to wow to our party days to his mission to my less than wholesome thoughts involving us to south park and back again! I would trust him with my life and then some. I can't even imagine not having him in my life nor can I remember how to have a life without him being a part of it. This scares me. First off because I am too damn young to be feeling like this and making such big decisions such as what I want to do for the rest of my life to pay the bills and if the opportunity arises who I want to be with for the rest of.. forever! I've lived with my family-who I love- for 20 years and I'm about ready to kill all of them on a daily basis! Forever is such a long time! This also scares me for another reason. He has the power to hurt me in a way that no one else does.. or ever has had to my knowledge. that doesn't mean that he will and I am not saying I don't trust him. but that is fact. I have held up pretty ok emotionally thus far despite everything that has gone on but I blame that solely on his allowing me to come hang with him.. like all the time. I dunno it's just big and scary... it almost makes me miss some of my old high school boy problems.. not really but almost.
and finally(well not really but the final big one) school: I'm so not sure if accounting is going to be what I think it will and even if it's what I want.. I mean the classes(aside from keyboarding) have all been relatively easy and unless I get divine intervention I am finishing out this accounting program if nothing else but I don't know if I want to do this for the next 40 years or so... I don't know if I want to do anything for the next 40 or so years hell the way I get bored with things I don't know that there's anything that could interest me for more than 5 or 6 years... I dunno
yeah so that's all... stupid life.. I'm going to go contemplate things whilst watching the Simpsons
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2 comments:
I told you that I'd entertain you with comments, but of course you know silly Darcy, always choosing the deep philisophical days to check up on you (Or the days where you are sleep-deprived...but we won't go into that) ;) One of your comments about being too young to be feeling this way, let's see, I could think of several examples: Chantel is engaged to be married in less than three months, My brother's fiancee is 19, You know Jon Thorstead? He's married, to a girl who graduated 2008, and a girl that is Shae Jackman's age is already engaged. So too young? I think not, my friend... APPARENTLY as soon as you are legal, you're fresh meat, so to speak. As to your accounting, I understand completely because I am going through the same thing. Being an English major isn't as much as it's cracked up to be, because I've met some of the thousands of English majors that give us English majors a bad name! (ie 'I know everything, and you don't therefore you are an idiot') But when I transfer to Weber, (Which in itself was a HUGE decision, because I have to leave so many people behind up here, and I have to come back to Weber, which is good and bad. One, I'll be known again!! *Smiles and does mini jig* and two, I'll be with everyone we went to school with, extremely weird!) I don't know whether to keep my major as an English major, or switch it, I already have to switch my minor because Weber doesn't take clusters... UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH (you get the idea) I can't decide what to do with my life right now because it's such CHAOS!!!!! ANYWAY... you don't need ot hear me vent on your blog. Sorry, this is your space. I'll let you go now, and go to sleep, and dream again about dying. That is definitely on ODD dream!
haha hi darcy welcome to my blog ;) you can vent here all you want.. lol that's what I use it for...
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