Boys, Wow, and a Mission...maybe,

OK so this has been bugging me for a while so I'm going to attempt to organize my thoughts via blog.. and if anyone reads this and has advice.. let me know.. I'll take any and all. But this will prolly jump a whole lot and not make much sense.. but here goes:

so Wednesday was my 20th bday.. so I officially have less than a year until I can go on a mission if I want... now I have to figure out if that's what God wants me to do...

I've wanted to go on a mission as far back as I could remember.. even during my uber inactive years and thru all the bad stuff I've done.. but my family wouldn't be all about it.. my dad says he'll support me.. but I don't think he gets it.. especially since he is pretty anti most the time... he'd support me til I got my mission call and I went to like south America or Australia or Germany or something like that.. then he'd be all "there is no way in hell I'm letting you go there!" or if I got called stateside he'd come try and visit me (which btw I'm almost certain isn't allowed.. its 18 months-for girls- to two years for guys of no seeing your family and friends except for letters and such). He also frequently accuses me of thinking I'm better than the family cuz I choose to say go to church instead of stay home and do the chores he thinks I should do... I hate to think what he would accuse me of if I started to prepare to go on a mission... *shudders*

My mom is a different story: she would be all about it until I started doing things like going thru the temple and stuff like that that she can't do.. she just can't.. not right now and there's no way my dad would let her do the things that would make her eligible... no way... then things would get a little weird... also when it came time for me to leave she'd have a meltdown (again 18 months... letters and like 2 phone calls a year I think... that's it)... plus she doesn't really have a good foundation in the church.. neither of them do.. my mom goes for me and Ellie.. but since I moved to the singles branch and Ellie decided she wanted to be an "actress" they don't really go at all anymore.. I mean I don't go all that often either(maybe like twice a month) but it's way more often than say the once in the last 13 weeks they have gone.. my dad on the other hand just claims he's Mormon if asked but has problems with fundamental points.. like listening to the prophet and certain points of repentance and stuff like that.. he also kinda thinks that God should cater to him.. not the other way around.. yeah doesn't work like that sorry

I dunno how Ellie would react. She used to be really religious... then after constantly being ripped apart by my dad and even me sometimes(I feel really bad about that..) she kinda stopped.. also I don't think the whole acting thing helped.. at all. So I dunno.. She'd prolly support me either cuz she knew it was the right thing to do or because she'd get to take over my room/dvd player/ipod/car/not have to fight for the computer or bathroom/etc.. prolly more the latter.. but a lot of the things I do I do for her benefit. to be an example. The fact that I go to sacrament and institute and pitch a fit when anyone tries to stop me from going to these things is for me but also for her. I want to try and balance out the negative example I've been for the last few years.... I'm not always the best at it.. but I try..

My extended family would be mixed. My Grandma Greenwell would be all about it. My Grandma Sparkes would be all about it as well.. I think.. but she's 90.. she'd forget in a few minutes.. my uncle Jim.. the lecher.. he would prolly support my decision but not really like it.. wouldn't talk about it or want to really know anything about it.. I think.. his two sons (my two cousins that I'm closest to) would hate it.. Tyler may never speak to me again.. he hates religion and everything to do with it as far as I can tell... I dunno about Steven... but see the thing is I haven't seen either of them for well over a year so...all in all I would face a lot of ridicule for leaving a job and school and such... I can see it being a big mess

My friends would support it. Darcy and I have talked about it a lot. She's all about my going if that's what I think is best. I'm sure if nothing else I could count on regular letters from her ;) but there'd be more I'm sure
Steph would write me too I'm sure. in fact I bet most of my friends would write me cuz they are all awesome like that: Cami Heidi Charla Tara Lana.. I bet I could get a few letters out of each of them ;) Even Kimi and Prolly Angi and Julie and even Dustin would write if I asked I bet. Dustin told me once when I was venting to him during one of the LONGEST plays EVER that he would support me if I decided to go even if my family didn't and that he thought I would make a good missionary. (he doesn't know it or prolly remember it.. but I still have the text that says that. It meant a lot to me.. still does.. ) Julie and I have discussed it a few times. she's also all about my going. She thinks I would do well too. Actually Lana is all bout my going last time I checked too..

Now for the biggest one.. aside from my family Andy.

I know he would support me. I know he would... despite all the stupid stuff we've done and the religious rut he was in when I met him always spoke about his mission with the highest respect. He know the importance of it. If that's where I thought I needed to be he would support it. No questions asked.
The problem being that I'm scared to go away. I really do love him. Some of the stuff he does bugs the living HELL out of me..(wow being one and the lighthearted way he takes his priesthood sometimes..) but over all I love him.. and I wouldn't want to lose him.. I can't go a day without texting him..I dunno how I could go a year and a half without seeing him... plus the whole losing him thing.. a year and a half is a long time.. out of sight out of mind.. he could up and get married while I was gone.. to which I would say I wish you the best of luck.. and I would truly mean it.. if that's what was best for him then that's what I would want.. even if it's not what I want... but I dunno.. last night while I was sitting there watching him play wow for like 7 hours and talking to Darcy I was kinda venting my frustrations to her(cuz she'll listen.. and I value her input) I kinda was just wondering.. what happens if things get more involved with us? I mean you claim you're not addicted to wow.. and I can get you to leave every once in while... and for big stuff.. but you're almost constantly on it... I can handle one or two nights a week.. but like 40 hours or more a week? I'm not all about that... what happens if we were to get married? Could i get him to cut back? Or later on If there were kids? could he handle not regularly playing or would we have to make a spot in our lives for wow? these are the things that I think about.. I also sometimes curse the guy that showed him wow... I mean i get that he enjoys video games and all and that's fine.. but all things in moderation.. getting up at 2 on a Saturday logging into wow, staying on til I come over at 5.. staying on til about 830 when you get hungry, going to Carl's Jr, then coming back and staying on til 1130 when I say OK I'm going to bounce then spending 2 hours in the freezing cold talking(which is what I live for.. I love our talks) then going in and playing for prolly another hour or more then going back to sleep.. that's.. a little excessive... I dunno.. I couldn't do it... the whole damn day would feel wasted... and then playing all night Sunday from like noon til like midnight.. then all night Monday Tuesday and Wednesday some Thursday and Friday from like 330 til midnight... kinda feels.. really excessive..almost to an addictive state.. I don't think that I ever was jonesin that hard even in the worst part of my life.. I'm all about this new swing shift he starts tomorrow.. except I feel that he'll be playing all morning.. I dunno.. again.. this would be an issue that would come up if things were getting really serious (IE he proposed) or if I ever get feeling especially pissy... but the point of that rant was that maybe we both need some time to.. I dunno.. prioritize? figure things out? find myself? I'm not that ready for marriage(although who among us is..) I don't think.. now if it was right and God approved.. I don't argue with God anymore. I would trust that I was ready and go for it... but yeah.. as much as I would love to never leave him at his doorstep ever again.. I dunno anyone who can decipher what feeling that is besides conflicted please let me know.. I love everything about him and when he's away from wow...He's such an amazingly deep person and he's so smart and awesome to talk to... away from the computer... ( iusually don't have a problem with it.. I really don't.. I dunno why yesterday bugged me so much... maybe i'm just feeling kinda.. hormonal.. right now.. and if he does read this I hope he won't get pissed..)

I also kinda wonder if that's the reason I'm having such a hard time getting a government job.. I mean I shouldn't have this hard of a time... I have a year of experience.. I know what a 941 looks like and what it's used for and where it goes..all that fun stuff that none of you out there know what I'm talking about.. I have a year of experience.. why would people be getting hired ahead of me?.. It makes no sense... but I think if I get one I will be too reluctant to leave it if it turns out I'm aposta go on a mission.. or maybe the government just hates me.. I dunno

but anyway yeah.. that's kinda my thought pattern right now.. I've kinda decided that I'm going to plan on going on a mission in a year and then if that's not what is aposta happen then something will happen and I will know that that's not where I'm needed... I can't really see a bad to preparing to go on a mission.. I'll be bettering myself and straightening my testimony and learning and stuff.. I'm not telling my family anything about this..yet.. they'll just put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me and stuff. Once I get a fer sure kinda thing I'll clue them in (prolly when I put my mission papers in) Darcy knows my plan thus far and I'm sure Andy will find out sooner or later.. cuz I'd like his input...and he can tell when somethings up..and cuz I love him and despite that long rant about his playing I know that he really does care about me.. and that he really is an amazing guy and that I am lucky to have him.. and because I can't keep anything from that kid..and anyone who reads this.. but that's about it..