What was that?! oh right... consicence

So last night was Halloween and instead of staying home and handing out candy to the three trick or treaters we get and being lame I went to a party with Andy. it was an interesting night;



Anywho we went over there about 7 pm and there was just me and Andy and Wes(the guy what owns the trailer we were at) and it was all cool.. we were just watching resident evil and and eating and talking and stuff and it was pretty chill. Then Wes went and got his wife ,now I guess, Mel who had been playing warcraft in the other room(yes... world of warcraft... I know...) and she came out.. and I could immediately tell she'd been drinking... quite a bit.. but that's cool.. she was being the funny drunk and it was fun.. the she brought out the hookah... which I kinda knew would happen which was one reason I was so reluctant to go to this party.. but whatev... so yeah earlier this week Andy and I had kinda had a talk about my.. inhibitions.. to go to this party.. he had promised me he wouldn't drink or get stoned.. but that if the hookah was brought out he'd prolly do that.. and I kinda agreed to this... not out of my being OK with it but out of my not wanting to cause a fight or argument... it's his life.. so yeah I was kinda hoping it wouldn't get brought out.. but it did and so they started up on that and drinking and then the pot came out for a second but with trick or treaters hitting up the door every few minutes that didn't last too long... but yeah nothing else that cool happened.. we played apples to apples and got Mel's ferret drunk.. which was funny as hell!! and watched ghostship but yeah that was pretty much it



anywho fast forward to when we left... we got in his car and left and were driving back to his house so I could pick up my car and get home before my parents shitted themselves with worry.. (they were all asleep when I came in at 330 anyway.. stupid family) and yeah the whole way back to his house and even while we were at his house the conversation was strained and aloof.. much like it was when we first met.. even when talking about things like religion and stuff that shoulda been easy for us to talk about at this point.. we do it quite frequently.. it was just uncomfortable.. and the safe feeling I get when I'm with him usually was there.. but very dim and hard to feel... I didn't like it... anywho so I went to leave and I gave him a quick hug and then he leaned in to kiss me and I stopped him and said " you've been smoking" and he looked at me and said "you didn't tell me this is what would happen." and I said "you're right. I didn't" and he said something like "that's OK I can deal with it" and I said "no you can't" "you're right I can't" and he kinda looked sad (which hurt so much.. I hate when he isn't happy it hurts me.. stupid cliched I know.. but I almost gave in then but I didn't) and I said went to get into my car and he kinda called back over his shoulder "love you" and I couldn't really say anything back cuz I was.. really conflicted and prolly woulda started crying..so I just left... and then I texted him as I was leaving(cuz I didn't want him thinking I was mad or anything I dunno.. I can't explain about half the stuff I do...just go with it) and I said something like 'you should not smoke anymore cuz truth be told I can't deal with it either.. but since actually gaining a strong testimony of the church and the priesthood things have changed.. I still love you tho and this is in no way a reflection on that' and he texted me back something like 'I know. Its not a good thing to do. I'm not totally sure why I do stupid things like that but after having not smoked for a while then being around it the weed bothered me quite a bit. the hookah was kinda off too. I don't feel as attracted to it as I once was' which also hurt me.. cuz yeah I dunno.. it just does..it kinda feels like he's beating himself up.. and I don't like that... so I attempted to explain myself via text (at 330 am.. yeah I dunno how well it worked) something like 'yeah this one is totally me. there are some things in the religion I left slide.. but anything having to do with the wow(in this blog used as word of wisdom.. Mormon doctrine for anyone who doesn't know...no drinking no smoking no drug use basically not world of warcraft like in most my blogs) I can't.. for myself... I don't mind being around it and I'd never take away anyone else's agency but.. yeah my thought train just derailed' and he sent back one that said something like 'Lol I know what you're gettin at. Even when I was smoking today I could tell you weren't happy and that's not good. I know you won't try to stop me but that doesn't mean I can do it if it's not right. I should know better. I'm sorry if I upset you tonight' and then I kinda went 'it's OK.. I'm sure I do things that bug you too. the important thing is that we can talk about it and get over it" and then I think both of us crashed... cuz I haven't heard from him since.. but I'm sure tonight or whenev I see him again we'll have to have this discussion.

now for my commentary: Tuesday when he had told me about this party he said your parents won't care will they? and I said about the party? nah.. I just can't stumble in smelling of weed and alcohol and he said OK I'll try not to get any on you... and I don't care that he jokes about it.. I do it too.. I'm not some stick up her ass Mormon that can't handle that.. it's part of my history and yeah.. but something about the way he said it made me think he wasn't all the way kidding... so then I went to institute and we had a lesson on the new testament story about the rich young man that was told that he needed to sell all his worldly possessions and follow Christ and how it pertained to us in the here and now. the comment was made by one of the girls in my class that an apostle once said (I can't remember which one or when.. or the quote exactly) "that at some point in each of our lives we will be asked to offer up what is most important to us... the Lord does this to test your patience faith and trust" something like that.. and I was sitting there going 'if I push the wow thing too much he could get pissed and I dunno how much more shit I can take right now.. he's the only thing keeping me sane.. but obviously I can compromise my own standing and values...' and then the same girl said something else like" we shouldn't approach the Lord in fear of what we're going to lose.. because whatever it may be there will be something 10 times better waiting" and then I was sitting there thinking "OK.. well if Andy's not right for me.. then there is someone else out there that is obviously more right for me than him (as hard as that is to believe)." so I texted him and I'm sure he knew something was up cuz he's really perceptive like that and asked him to read a scripture and stuff fulling intending to tell him my inhibitions and stuff and then we went to see nightmare before Christmas in 3D yeah awesome and I kinda decided at some point that I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and not accuse him of things that hadn't happened yet.. so I kinda just skirted around it and yeah.. so I'm wondering what the point in this is basically.. is this God testing me Patience and faith and whatev? or is it more of a this is what you believe and you need to know it for yourself with assuredty? or perhaps I'm just being too emotional about it cuz it's near '(on the)rag time' and because of Scotty od'ing and my whole struggles with alcohol and drugs and because I've never felt this close to anyone in my whole life..... I dunno.. unanswerable questions